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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship - no sex!

162 replies

MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 09:06

I’ve been seeing someone for 5 weeks. We slept together on the first date, having both been a bit sexually deprived through lockdown! And then I think we had sex another 3 times over the next couple of weeks.

I really like him, a lot. He’s gorgeous, and we get on really well. He seems thoughtful and sensitive.

It’s usually me that goes to see him (he lives just over an hour away) as he’s working really long hours and is always knackered, so it just makes sense that I am the one to do the driving. I’m ok with that.

However, for the last 3 weeks, we’ve seen each other about 10 times, and had sex one of those times. I don’t really know why we’ve gone from having sex every time we see each other to not at all.

I have resisted saying anything as I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do it, I wanted to feel wanted and I don’t. But last night, we went to bed and a couple of minutes later he was snoring away, and I felt really upset, got up drove home (he was asleep no had no idea).

I get he’s tired from work and I don’t expect us to have sex every time we see each other but surely at this point the sex should be great!

I figured either he’s not that into sex, or not that into me :( although we otherwise have a lovely time together and he seems to really look forward to seeing me.

Is this doomed?

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 15/06/2020 20:26

5 weeks in and all this? Really not worth it OP and I’ll tell you now it won’t get better.

Coffeeandbeans · 15/06/2020 20:43

This has to be a wind up surely? I’ve not spent quality time with my BF for 11 weeks until this weekend. I thought we were in lockdown where we don’t visit other people’s house. Yet you have been on a date, he stayed at yours the first night and this being in each other’s houses has continued. Unbelievable. Have you heard of corovaris OP and lockdown?

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 15/06/2020 21:49

No judgement on anyone who has diligently followed the rules, that’s up to them. But even our government haven’t deemed it necessary to follow their own rules. In my immediate circle of friends, I’m the only person who has had the Rona, back in early April, after travelling abroad. Literally nobody else I know has followed the rules, and also nobody else I know has become ill. Deaths in my local area = 0.

So I have had it, and am therefore very likely immune, my bf has had to continue working throughout and therefore doesn’t really see the point in the very strange, arbitrary rules set by the government which make no sense whatsoever, and even they don’t follow. HTH.

OP posts:
Amibannedorwhat · 15/06/2020 22:56

“No judgement on anyone who has diligently followed the rules, that’s up to them”
Why on earth would you judge someone for that?

Mintychoc1 · 15/06/2020 23:09

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving!
Breaking lockdown
Having “the Rona”
Driving miles to pester a tired man for sex
But I think the best bit is reassuring us that the kids won’t get attached to her!

OP I hope this is a joke because otherwise it’s actually quite scary.

Mintychoc1 · 15/06/2020 23:10

Oh and not judging those of us who have made sacrifices and stuck to lockdown rules. So kind of you not to judge us.

LittleWing80 · 15/06/2020 23:15

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving!
Breaking lockdown
Having “the Rona”
@mintychoc1
🤣🤣🤣

Whataloadofshite · 15/06/2020 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PhilTheGroundhog · 15/06/2020 23:36

@Whataloadofshite

🤣🤣

notangelinajolie · 15/06/2020 23:42

Is this doomed?

Yes. You have sex as pretty high up in your list of relationship necessities.

He doesn't. You are absolutely a sex pest. You do know we are in lockdown? Leave him or leave him alone, he is too nice for you.

Sorry. But I think you need to find someone like you who puts sex before everything.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 15/06/2020 23:47

Thanks. I’d be surprised if he dumped me for not following lockdown rules, when he obviously hasn’t either Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MayDayHelp · 15/06/2020 23:49

Okaaaaay. Yes I’m absolutely a sex pest for thinking that in an adult relationship sex is a thing that happens. Rightyho.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 15/06/2020 23:50

No judgement on anyone who has diligently followed the rules, that’s up to them.

Oh thank god, I've been worried about being judged for following the rules. Thank you for so graciously forgiving us.

Going over to his house this soon (especially during lockdown) to cook for him and shag him while his kids are there isn't just "not ideal" it's grim. Bet they're cringing.

I think he just has way too much going on in his life for a girlfriend. Even a girlfriend who is prepared to do as much as she can to make his life easy for him.

He clearly doesn't have time for a girlfriend. The fact you thought you were willing to do as much as you can to make life easy for him, despite all the very obvious obstacles, is really worrying and it sounds like you need to work on your self esteem before you start dating again.

It's such a silly precedent to set and it breeds complacency because you've obviously making out you're happy to do all of it when actually you knew you were making sacrifices and putting in all the effort.

When someone said you should be putting in the same effort you said "playing that game" doesn't work but they didn't mean you should sort of do it tactically. It shouldn't be game playing.

You should be conscious of whether or not you're naturally putting in the same effort and if you're not, end it instead of carrying on.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 15/06/2020 23:57

No his kids are quite pleased with the situation as it means they get a decent meal too rather than yet another takeaway. I don’t cook every time I go over! Maybe once a week. And the shagging hasn’t actually been happening, which is kind of the point of the thread.

Normally I would absolutely agree that effort should be equal, and it’s usually my rule of thumb. But this is a different situation due to the hours he works and the distance. He was thinking about staying at mine last night but worked out he’d have to get up at 4.30am! Which isn’t really feasible.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 16/06/2020 00:00

So will you be having him stay over with your DC in the house?

excelledyourself · 16/06/2020 00:01

Or have they been confirmed as having had it too?

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 16/06/2020 00:04

Well considering that the rules have now changed to allow it, from a Corona point of view there’s no reason why not. Although it’s not been an issue because firstly, he is never usually able to come here, and secondly my children are with their father for periods of time so it would be easy for them not to be here at the same time.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 16/06/2020 00:10

So you and him are each going to form your one bubble with a household which has been breaking the lockdown? After a mere 5 weeks of knowing each other? You're happy for him to bring the virus to your kids, knowing him and his two sons have been doing as they please?

And then you'll send those kids to their dad?

Mrskeats · 16/06/2020 00:11

This can't be real can it?

backseatcookers · 16/06/2020 00:12

Crack on then OP, you seem pretty sure you're doing the right thing.

Try to be objective...

Five weeks in, so 45 days in, you are going to his house to cook a meal once a week for him and his children.

Yes the shagging hasn't been happening. But it was. With the kids in as they won't have been going anywhere else. It's just grim.

You surely can't think that's appropriate, even removing lockdown from the equation?

It's WAY too soon! Five weeks? If a man was happy with that I'd think he was an irresponsible dad to be honest and it would put me off.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 16/06/2020 00:24

The kids are quite often not there, as I’ve previously mentioned. And even if they were, it’s a big house and their rooms are on a different floor, again as I’ve mentioned.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 16/06/2020 00:29

Where did you meet this prince?

Jeremyironsnothing · 16/06/2020 00:33

Thank God not everyone has the same irresponsible attitude to covid that you have.

backseatcookers · 16/06/2020 00:33

You honestly don't see that five weeks in it's way too much too soon to be seeing him so often, travelling so far and already feeling like you're the one putting all the effort in? I just can't imagine that much headspace and effort going into someone I've been seeing for 45ish days and met 10 times, it's madness.

You've got an answer for everything and seem to be happy with it despite your list of peeves, so as I say why not just crack on then...

Notashandyta · 16/06/2020 00:44

What the bloody nora is wrong with people on this thread!! Confused

You dont agree with her on the corona rules. So what? Mention it once- no need to keep on and on about it. Surely you know there are many breaking the rules? Why are you going on and on about it? It's getting really boring and bitchy.

Sorry op, nothing useful to add about your op, hope it works itself out how you want it to.