Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship - no sex!

162 replies

MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 09:06

I’ve been seeing someone for 5 weeks. We slept together on the first date, having both been a bit sexually deprived through lockdown! And then I think we had sex another 3 times over the next couple of weeks.

I really like him, a lot. He’s gorgeous, and we get on really well. He seems thoughtful and sensitive.

It’s usually me that goes to see him (he lives just over an hour away) as he’s working really long hours and is always knackered, so it just makes sense that I am the one to do the driving. I’m ok with that.

However, for the last 3 weeks, we’ve seen each other about 10 times, and had sex one of those times. I don’t really know why we’ve gone from having sex every time we see each other to not at all.

I have resisted saying anything as I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do it, I wanted to feel wanted and I don’t. But last night, we went to bed and a couple of minutes later he was snoring away, and I felt really upset, got up drove home (he was asleep no had no idea).

I get he’s tired from work and I don’t expect us to have sex every time we see each other but surely at this point the sex should be great!

I figured either he’s not that into sex, or not that into me :( although we otherwise have a lovely time together and he seems to really look forward to seeing me.

Is this doomed?

OP posts:
VeganCow · 13/06/2020 18:00

OP how did you meet him and are you in the UK?

Amibannedorwhat · 13/06/2020 18:12

@MayDayHelp
Spot on! Also to be more concerned about not having enough sex with everything that’s going on in the world, I mean I’m a fan of the sexy sex but come on! 🤦‍♀️

hibeat · 13/06/2020 18:30

His viagra delivery has been delayed this week I'm afraid. Might have to wait until july.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/06/2020 21:00

The questioning where someone lives to lambast them them about possibly breaking lockdown rules is getting very tiring now.

@Windmillwhirl Forgive me for caring about trying to stop people dying. #sorrynotsorry

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 22:34

He’s coming over tomorrow to talk about it. Not really sure what there is to be said, it’s clear there’s a mismatch in sex drives and there’s no way of compromising on that.

Also he may well not even turn up. We’ll see.

OP posts:
Sunnydays123456 · 13/06/2020 22:47

@mayday

Noooo not necessarily - he might be stressed out or something ? How old are you both btw?

Sunnydays123456 · 13/06/2020 22:49

And def agree with what some other people have said - you need to give him time to miss you and chase YOU. It’s a cliche but men do love the chase tbh

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 22:55

I’m 39 and he’s 43. Thing is, I know he does like me. I think he just has way too much going on in his life for a girlfriend. Even a girlfriend who is prepared to do as much as she can to make his life easy for him.

OP posts:
Sunnydays123456 · 13/06/2020 22:58

@mayday -yeah , don’t make it easy for him !! That’s the trick - let him do the work and you’ll find his interest picks up I bet ..

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 23:03

I kind of tried that at the beginning where I did the normal thing of expecting him to put as much effort in as me, but quickly realised I was on a hiding to nothing as he wasn’t being a dick, he just literally couldn’t put the same amount of effort in due to his other commitments. So playing that game doesn’t work.

I think I will back off for my own sanity though, if it doesn’t all end tomorrow. Maybe just go and see him once a week, then that’s less scope for being disappointed.

OP posts:
needhandhold · 14/06/2020 04:35

You are being too facilitating and too amenable. If he really really had the hots for you, he’d be at your door chasing your tail like a dog on heat. He would. The other commitments is just an excuse. He can’t really be bothered. You’re running to his and making it easy for him. He’s lost respect for you. He’s not that into you. I had a boyfriend who worked very long hours and lived a few hours drive away from me. He’d turn up on my doorstep wanting to jump my bones at 2am. He’d come whenever he could because he wanted to get into my pants. This early on he should be wanting to get into your pants. There’s something massive and exciting missing from your relationship already and it hasn’t been going on for long! I wouldn’t have him come over. I’d message and say “please don’t come over. I think the relationship has run its course. All the best” then put your energy into finding a better match and somebody who is more available

StarlightLady · 14/06/2020 06:01

To me, this proves that sex on a first date is a good thing, because you discover things early on.

If you are going to carry on seeing him, l would not regard it as an exclusive friendship unlesz you can sort this out.

If this goes long term, the likelihood is that you will be back on here when things have got worse. He may be tired but if he is not going to put the effort in now...

Best of luck OP Flowers

Gwenhwyfar · 14/06/2020 06:27

@Windmillwhirl

The questioning where someone lives to lambast them them about possibly breaking lockdown rules is getting very tiring now.
If they were asking advice for any other illegal activity (presumably as OP refuses to answer), would MN be condoning it? Do we see threads on where to get drugs on MN? No, we don't neither do we have any threads encouraging or facilitating any other illegality, even things that lots of people do.

@MNHQ what's going on? (will that get to them?)

Sunnydays123456 · 14/06/2020 08:13

@Gwenhwyfar hahahahaha

eatsleepread · 14/06/2020 08:46

I would take a step back now OP, and let him come to you. If he doesn't make the effort, then you'll have your answer. At the moment you are making everything too easy for him.

chatterbugmegastar · 14/06/2020 09:53

as he wasn’t being a dick, he just literally couldn’t put the same amount of effort in due to his other commitments

Absolute bollox

He IS being a dick and he COULD prioritise you but he doesn't and you've bought in to his bullshit story

Tyjaro75 · 14/06/2020 10:13

This is meant to be the time that you can't keep your hands off each other, no matter how tired he is. Can you imagine what it will be like in 5 years?
I think you deserve better than this. It's either he has got too much going on in his life, which means it's not really worth hanging around waiting for something to change or that he's not really that into it. Either way, you will always feel like you're not getting what you want from him. You sound lovely and I'm sure there is someone better for you out there that will make you feel special and give you what you need.

Sunnydays123456 · 14/06/2020 10:44

Read Why Men Love Bitches for some truths this about how to build your self worth , op

KeepingTwoChevronsApart · 14/06/2020 11:03

Some nasty replies on here.

Imagine a woman: I'm a widow and a single parent and work long hours. My new boyfriend comes over and wants more sex than I'm up to. He's getting annoyed about it and wants me leave my kids on their own overnight and drive for hours to stay at his.

excelledyourself · 14/06/2020 11:21

Very true @KeepingTwoChevronsApart

However, I'd also be advising the female poster that inviting a new boyfriend, but a stranger to her children, into their home 3 times a week is not decent parenting.

Otterhound · 14/06/2020 11:23

My sentiments exactly keepingtwo.
OP, he is keeping a business open, keeping a roof over employees heads, raising 2 kids who aren't at school. I should imagine he is knackered and genuinely doesn't feel like sex. Plenty of women in the same boat wouldn’t. The idea that you have to be all over each other at the beginning is bollox.

If its not for you then walk away. I am sure you can both easily find someone else.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 14/06/2020 11:37

I’ve had a bit of a revelation this morning. He takes a lot of prescribed codeine for back pain, he only started taking them in December and he’s taking 4-6 30mg tablets a day. I kind of figured that’s one of the reasons he’s so tired, I have the same prescription for my back pain, and if I take 2 that’s me completely out for the count for hours. I googled and one of the side effects of codeine is reduced libido, so maybe that’s not helping.

Haven’t heard from him today, don’t know if he’s still planning on coming over.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/06/2020 11:40

If the sexes were reversed, it would still be the case that the other person apparently doesn't have the time, energy or bandwidth for a proper relationship.

Basically op goes over, makes him dinner, gives him a massage and he goes to sleep. It's a new relationship, I don't think anybody should be happy with it being so one-sided, and she's been a bit too "low maintenance" going along with it thus far.

If he doesn't have the energy to give to a relationship, he should stay single.

category12 · 14/06/2020 11:41

Cross posted

Michaelbaubles · 14/06/2020 15:12

I should imagine he is knackered and genuinely doesn't feel like sex. Plenty of women in the same boat wouldn’t. The idea that you have to be all over each other at the beginning is bollox

Well, lots of people would disagree with that, and even if they didn’t, it seems unlikely that someone who has no time or energy for second in the first months will magically perk up at a later date, so if the OP wants a relationship with regular sex, it’s a non-starter.

The same advice would be given to a woman in his position - the vast majority of people embarking on a relationship will want regular sex and if you’re not really in a place for it you just have to hold out for someone who isn’t, but you also have to face the fact that really narrows the pool quite a lot. For me, I’m quite happy when single, so why would I get tied down to having to schlep about to someone’s house, cook for them, massage them etc if I’m not even in a sexual relationship with them? I have friends to cook for and watch telly with if I wanted to.