Struggling

[Newtothis5643]

Hi, I'm new to this site and only came across it as a friend of mine sent me to a link that I read and it has taken me a bit of time but I have decided to pick up the courage to create a new thread and get a few opinions, as you seem like a nice supportive bunch.
Just over a week ago, my partner of nearly 2 years, who I felt completely secure and in love with, literally packed his bags and his daughters and put a key under the door and left me.
The thing I am really struggling with, is that we hadn't lived together but he was going through a bereavement and was struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and asked that we go into lockdown together in my house (which I also hadn't been living in may I add, as I was staying with parents). We got there and quickly started making it lovely - he was really committed to making it a lovely home, he was actively doing things in the garden, making suggestions to make it a nicer home. We were going round stores together to buy things for the house and he suggested buying a photo frame and getting some pics up of the 3 of us. He was listing all of the things that he was going to do and going to help me with. He would message me when we weren't together to check that I had done things - he encouraged me to get people round to decorate and do works on the house - we bought tools for him to do the works better - all sorts. We were very active sexually, so didn't see any problems there. When we had his daughter, I had a great relationship with her - I went out of my way to buy things in that they both individually liked. I put them first and listened to a lot of his emotional childhood issues - but we had deep conversations about things and he knew what was right or wrong. He had also helped me at the beginning of our relationship, with an abusive ex who had really torn me apart, where I had been cheated on, had to cancel my wedding, had to buy him out of a house and all sorts of trauma - he would comment often about how awful that was and so I felt reassured that he knew I had been through hell and was finally in a loving and supportive relationship. He also talked about having to be careful with having a child and he hadn't introduced her to anyone before and we had a great relationship - he even said he noticed how much more grown up she would be with me etc. We had also had conversations, where he knew that my concern was that I was building a relationship with the two of them and that God forbid anything did go wrong, that I would love her too and he always reassured that even if something happened to him, he wanted me to be part of her life. He seemed to emotionally mature and I never in a million years, thought that he could a) leave me but b) do it in such a way that was so unexpected, it literally has created panic attacks and shock in me, in a way I can't describe. We had an appointment the day he left, to go and view things that he had booked in and we were planning in the morning to get ready to go and he flipped out over nothing and I said calm down, I'll go for a walk for 5 minutes. (I assumed he was stressed at going back to work etc). he text me while I was walking to say the key was under the mat and that he couldn't do it. I asked him to please come back and talk and that we could get through anything together if we talked and not to sabotage things. He said it had made him realise he couldn't live with anyone and that he was glad it had happened and just put sorry.
No consideration for the hurt he would be putting me through or for the plans we had. We were even trying for a baby of our own because he had said he wanted a family with me and that it was crazy that no one had ever made me a mum.
He was even talking the night before about me and his daughter doing some baking and I was going to take her back to her mums while he was at work. He seemed really happy in the house and even referred to it as a bubble and that he didn't want to go back to work because he couldn't be there to keep doing the routine he had created there (his work is a bit of a distance so he would only be coming on a weekend). There is so much I could say but, he had a great relationship with my family and we had so many special occassions together and he even said to me recently that he had to be grateful to my ex in a way because otherwise we wouldn't be together. I don't think I took him for granted in any way and if anything, I appreciated him so much, that I always made the effort.
We talked and text all the time, so it's really feeling odd not being able to tell him things - he was so interested in my work, my family, my friends - everything.
I didn't reply to his text, because I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what there was to say and felt that I had to have a bit of self respect, with him doing it in such a reckless way and that it was obvious from my previous messages that I wanted to talk and wanted to be with him. He knows that I will be struggling to sleep and eat as he knows how I am, so I find it so utterly cold. I literally feel like they have both died because I walk around the house and there are reminders of them both everywhere. I can't seem to snap out of it but am determined not to message him because I think on this occasion he should swallow his pride and apologise or at least do the decent thing and explain what the hell happened. He said he couldn't deal with small things as they annoyed him too much - but I have no idea what these small things are and how they could be worth throwing away all of the amazing big things we had together.
Feel like I'm going slightly mad to be honest - cannot concentrate, cannot breathe properly half the time and can't stop the constant churning. I haven't been able to open any whatsapp or social media for days and I know he will have seen I haven't been online but I just can't face seeing any profile changes or anything else.
His daughter was also sending things to our group whatsapp and I was politely replying but then I felt like it wasn't fair for him to just be off the hook and me acting like nothing had happened when I had heard nothing from him and he wasn't responding on the group.
I don't really know what I expect anyone to say but it's slightly therapeutic just being able to type this.
Broken hearted doesn't even come close - although I never thought anyone could do something as bad to me as my ex, this feels so much worse, as there is no preparation and I can't at the moment look back and see any bad in him.
Any thoughts appreciated and if not, thanks for listening.

Enlist a friend or relative to support you emotionally.
The man cares for noone other than himself.

It's not you , it's him.

Hugs.

Take a moment, and breathe.

I hope it feels better to have at least written all this down and get it off your chest.

Whatever his decisions, this wasn't your fault. You were just unfortunate enough to get caught up in this. He sounds incredibly unstable and has chosen to take flight. Commonly with this type of behaviour I have noticed they will usually find a way to come back to you. If he comes back, you have to know whether you are ready for a life of never knowing if he will stay or leave at any moment.

If he decides not to come back, I'm afraid you really have no choice but to move on. It seems so odd given how committed he was to starting this new life with you. But this isn't a reflection on you.

I'm sorry I couldn't help more. I hope you find some support to get you through this. You seem like someone with their head screwed on, so I know you'll move past it. It gets easier with time, so give it the time it needs.

He said it's him, I just find it so shocking.
I really thought after a lot of previous relationships that I would have spotted the signs but clearly not. The pain is unbearable but I guess it is out of my control at this moment. Thanks for your comment.

Thank you @SpiderStan - I know you are right, I just don't want to accept it as it just seems so out of character. He always talks about holding a lot of guilt, as he has a lot of family commitments and although he gets very let down by them, he is extremely loyal, which I often commend him on. So it feels really hurtful and shocking that the person (me) who doesn't let him down, he abandons like this.
I guess you never really know a person and I really should never have let my defenses down and should have been more protective of myself after previous experiences.
Can't help but keep questioning myself and whether I should have done things differently so your words help.

I also have a huge part of me that wants to reach out and try to make him feel better and sort things but, I know that would almost be like rewarding bad behaviour and saying I accept anything, so I pray that he will not be stubborn and in time will find his way back. But also mentally preparing myself for the fact he may not, like you say.

Thanks again.

Thank you @MikeUniformMike - didn't realise how to tag...funny how you can see that so quickly from what I have said but I see him as an extremely selfless person at the moment. You've given me food for thought at least.

Has he tried to contact you at all since he called it off?

@WildNorthEast - he hadn't done - although since last Wednesday, I have not opened whatsapp or facebook messenger, as I couldn't face it. But if he did have anything to say that was important then he could have emailed or called. I know he is the type of person that will see I am not online (unless of course he has no regard for me whatsoever).
One of the reasons that I came off is because his daughter was messaging on the group whatsapp that we have (she clearly doesn't know or understand what is going on) and I was messaging her back and he wasn't on our group - I felt it wasn't fair for me to be acting like everything was okay and almost letting him off the hook of a proper explanation or how it would continue with his daughter (or not).
It was his mums birthday this weekend and I was supposed to be there, I had a short message with her and get the impression that she doesn't know either. She said she hoped to see me soon, which was upsetting. But I guess with social distancing it would have been easy for him to make some excuses up and not have to face it all. He isn't one for confiding in them so I'm not entirely surprised.

I did think though after everything we have had together that he might have either changed his mind or had a bit of a conscience about leaving it so abruptly.

So many people have said that I should demand answers from him but I don't think I could face more rejection or for him to ignore me now.

Hello,

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I imagine you must be absolutely reeling from shock.

Having been through (a far less blindsiding) breakup not so long ago, I can say that how a person chooses to end a relationship speaks volumes. The fact you feel so blindsided shows that he wasn’t communicating effectively with you, not that you could have done anything differently.

It’s no wonder you feel so crushed and I had the same ‘wtf’ feeling after my own two year relationship ended. The behaviour was so at odds with what I had come to expect. But when the fog clears you may see patterns emerge. Things that weren’t quite right.

My advice for you to get you through the short term is baby steps. Look at how you can regain control over little things and make sure you take care of yourself until the dust settles. Keep eating, exercise if you can, enjoy hot baths and find outlets like Mumsnet and other virtual connections to lean on. Create to-do lists and keep busy.

If you decide to entertain a conversation with him then be clear what purpose you hope it will serve. Ask yourself if you have all the facts you need in order to decide whether you can trust this person to be who you believed him to be.

OP, I have been in a similar situation. I could barely function.

The best way, I found, is to make no contact. Block him on your phone, social media. Don't look for him online or IRL.

Make up the answers that you can accept. Don't dwell. You will but try to switch off the thoughts.

Grieve the relationship. Give it time, you will feel better.

@anonnnnni - thank you - you are so kind to write that.
At this present moment, I feel so crushed that nothing keeps me busy, I can't concentrate on television or anything. The only thing that got me through the weekend was that I kept thinking he will come to his senses and get in touch with me and he will start to feel regret and miss me.
But as it seems he has just deleted himself from the whatsapp group he had with me and his daughter and seems to be getting on with his life like nothing has happened and like I meant absolutely nothing to him. I have had seriously bad breakups, that he knows about - that he has discussed in horror with me - but this far outweighs them because there were no warning signs and he really led me to believe that everything was good....

@MikeUniformMike thank you - I half feel better knowing other people have been through this but I feel so bad I can't imagine ever feeling better again....it's just the worst feeling in the world.

I am so sorry, reading your post echoed a similar thing that happened to me 5 years ago. I, too, did not message or contact again when mine told me he did not want a relationship with me and walked out. I was in the state you were in. I had no idea he was unhappy and it hit me hard. I had terrible panic attacks and sleepless nights. I walked around like a zombie for months and months. One thing I should have done quicker was get into therapy. 3 years after he left I went into a post traumatic episode which was linked to him leaving suddenly and unexpectedly. I had to get to therapy quick to deal with it as it was so frightening. So, please go and talk to someone. This is nothing to do with you, it is all about him, his anxieties and his damaged thinking. Do not, I repeat, do not blame anything on yourself. You are doing the right thing and not contacting him. Well done. Do not contact him under any circumstances. You will go through some intense emotions. Get help. Talk. Mine eventually came back to get me several years later. He is still trying to contact me. I wanted nothing more to do with him. He said it was a terrible mistake but the damage was so deep and permanent nothing would let me near him again. Mine left 5 years ago and he has never forgiven himself for what he did. I have no feelings for him but the intense pain I went through was astonishing. I know what you are going through so keep posting. Best wishes xx

I resurrected a previous thread OP and saw you posted on there, I'm so glad you started your own because you will get a ton of support on here.

I have no real words of wisdom, absolutely nothing anyone can say will take away your pain at the moment but there IS one thing that will - time. Give yourself lots and lots of time. Accept that this is the way you feel at the moment and you will do until it starts to burn itself out... and it will OP. Maybe not tomorrow or next week but one day you will wake up and the grief will be just a little bit lighter.

The one thing you can reassure yourself of is that when the fog clears you'll see it's not the loss you think it is. A man worth holding on to would never have done this to you. Unforgivable.

My heart really goes out to you x

Thanks OP.
It helped me to think that it had been good but that he had issues that were not my fault. Not that I was blameless but I didn't deserve what happened.
You are probably better off without him.

I would personally check your social media just to see if there is any explanation given as to what has happened. I only say this because it seems so out of character.

If there hasn’t been any contact, I would block him so he doesn’t get the chance to see what you’re up to. He knows where you are if he needs you.

I would have probably been honest with his mum too and said that under the circumstances I don’t know when I’ll see you again. Don’t cover for him.

He pulled the rug from underneath you, that was brutal!

He was selfish, and will hurt his daughter too.

I wonder if he was just too scared.

He might come back.

I don't think he deserves another chance.

Should he come back, send him on his way.
However much you might want to, don't.

A huge hug for you OP.

Sorry, that should have said
'However much you might want to, don't take him back.'

@litterbird oh my god, you can't believe how much that means to read...although I can't get rid of the feelings and the intense emotion, like you say - I am here, unable to sleep again, worrying about how I am going to work tomorrow, how I am going to ever feel okay and you have given me some hope. I will get some therapy as I have a history of abusive relationships and this one has shocked me more than anything because I really didn't think it was but, to leave someone in this way, after I have tried to make everything so special for him and his daughter is just the worst. I am crying wondering what she has been told and how he could do that to her too.
I also am very envious that you got contact and it's pathetic that I talk like this, I know - but I just keep praying all the time that he will come to his senses and contact me because surely it can't all have been a lie and I must have meant something...but thanks for your advice and I will see what is available as I don't think I can take much more of this. You sound extremely strong and I am grateful that you have taken the time to share that with me - thank you so much.
Today, I had a look and he had left the whatsapp group that we have with his daughter - it's such a silly thing and shouldn't hurt but I completely broke down....I had the heard not to leave it because of what it would do to her and also to him in a way - but there was no regard for me!

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit oh thank you so much - you really are kind. I really wish I could burn it out - I don't know where all this energy is coming from - it's like I can't breathe but I also can't sit down, so I end up walking like an absolute lunatic, so fast and so far and don't really want to stop. I can't wait for some time to pass, which is sad but I really do feel like I am grieving for them both and the thing that hurts is that I didn't see it coming and it feels like it was so irrational, like is he sat there regretting it but too stubborn to say or does he really just not love me the way he said he did.

@Fiveasidefootballfamily _ I did have a look today - it hurt me all over again - he'd come off the whatsapp group and had posted pictures of him and his little girl at the weekend, like everything was normal and happy without me there. In hindsight, you are right about his mum - probably utter desperation on my part.

@longtimecomin - it's strange cos the only thing calming me at the moment is when I get a glimmer in my thoughts that he will come back but then in reality, how could we pick up after this, as I would live in fear that he could just change his mind again....

@MikeUniformMike - thanks for this - I know you are right but, at this moment in time I would just love to hear from him. Can't believe what character he has to not miss anything about us. We were the type of couple that even when we were going to see each other in the evening, he would still be messaging me all day, interested in how I was and work and anything else that was going on, so it's so strange that he is able to just do that and not miss our constant conversations.

Thank you all for your support - honestly, keeps me going for a moment and stops me dwelling on what I should or could have done different to stop this from happening.

Huge virtual hugs OP, that’s a horrific shock. Hope you have some people able to support you as best as they can in the current situation. Do you think he could be depressed? I have lived with my OH’s depression for a long time, and read a lot about it - the sudden flipping to a cold, unresponsive voice making absolute decisions makes me wonder. Is his daughter with him? If so, please keep answering so she knows you’re thinking of her and checking she’s ok. If depression is a possibility, is there any way of getting him medical help? I’m not down-playing the awfulness of his behaviour, but mental health problems have a funny way of rationalising awful things

I'm sorry this is happening to you op. You deserve so much better.

I could be wrong as I don't know enough background but it sounds as though he may have deliberately used you as some sort of stop gap during lockdown, or there is something else going on in his life such as a relationship, or debt , as this all seems a bit suspicious to me.

If you think about it he asked to move in to your house (where you weren't living at the time) when lockdown started. Was this so you would help with his daughter? And as soon as lockdown eases, and he is going back to work, he fabricates an argument out of the blue and leaves.

The timing is very convenient don't you think? Are you sure he is not going back to his ex op? You were going to take his daughter back there while he was at work and him walking out like that prevented you from meeting.

Apologies if this is way off base. I've become cynical in my old age.

There’s more going on here. I think you’ve been led on and he used you for somewhere to live during lockdown. Where was he living before? What was he paying? Towards your costs? I think you’ve been love bombed and he’s been telling you what you want to hear. As soon as you start living together then it all comes crashing down. He’s not a nice man. Get some help/therapy so that you aren’t tempted to take him back

@Newtothis5643....the feelings you are going through about wanting him to contact are absolutely normal. I felt the same, I was so desperate at one point and became quite delusional and even thought I could will him to contact me if I thought about him hard all the time and my brain waves would go to his brain waves and so he would make contact.....mad, I know but when you are in this situation you will do anything to stop pain and madness. On talking about blocking you out his life, I was constantly being crushed as I would go on social media to find he had blocked me from everything. "What had I done to deserve this?"...this is what I kept saying all the time. Then one evening I went on Netflix and it wouldn't connect...he had even stopped his Netflix account so I couldn't use it. It was astonishing that someone that I had just booked a holiday with, was due to go to a festival that weekend and had just wrapped a wedding present up for dear friends that we were invited to their nuptials the following week. I made the mistake of starting to blame myself but knew I hadn't done anything wrong....it was just a crazy making action he took. You do mention at the beginning he had suffered a bereavement and also had panic attacks and anxiety. You may find that dealing with grief makes you do strange things. He may well be suffering himself in his own way. Many years later mine said he suffered what he could only come to a conclusion of a mid life crisis...he hit 50. He changed over night. 5 days after he left, mine announced on another woman's Facebook page that he was deeply in love with her and she was deeply in love with him complete with photos of them together. I cannot begin to tell you how I felt. I am not saying this will happen to you but the action was so out of character for him that it actually helped me realise he had lost the plot as much as I had. I don't want you to spend the next months trying to figure him out. I made that mistake and it drove me insane. I know it is difficult, you will never get the answers you are looking for right now, because he may not know why he acted like this too. Grief, anxiety and panic can make people do odd things. So, today, if you can, stop trying to work out the why's and how's and take baby steps into the ' what can I do now to move forward without him'. If that means sobbing into a tub of Ben and Jerrys with a bottle of wine then do that. If it means talking to people at work about it and warning them you may be a little off for a few weeks but will be ok in the end then do that. Most of all always remember you did nothing to deserve this. Everyday right now will be a battle to get through but slowly but surely that battle will be won....by you. I do have a posting on mumsnet I wrote a year ago called '4 years later'...it documents the contact my ex made to try and come back. He still contacts me once a month, hilarious really as I never reply to his texts. I have moved on now with someone else but it took me 4 years to steady myself from the shock. I don't want you to spend 4 years healing so get out there and talk to someone professional and grab back your life. Big hugs xx

Thank you all for these messages, I have been tossing and turning all night and I absolutely hate falling asleep for a little while because I always wake up panicking and reminding myself of what has happened and that he isn’t there anymore. It’s the most weird sensation and I hate it!

I’ve been trying to play healing and positive meditations but I don’t seem to be able to switch off at the moment!

@litterbird - I completely get the trying to use thoughts to attract him back. I’ve been thinking the law of attraction and positive affirmations will bring him back and trying all sorts of things like that.

It all gets worse really in terms of hurt - he’s put himself on a dating app! The pain when I got sent the screenshots was something else - panic attack - didn’t think I’d be able to calm down; walked miles! The weird thing is, he’s gone on a site that he only knows about because I’d told him about friends on there and he’d mocked the name of it and the other hurtful thing, the pictures he’s used are ones I have taken of him that he looks good in with his best friend and even his daughter from a special day our we had a few weeks ago! I can’t understand why he would have her on there with him or why he would be able to choose pics that he knows I took and that were of happy times together!! It’s shocked me beyond belief!

Especially as he knows I had such a bad relationship beforehand, so I never in a million years thought it wouldn’t be amicable if we did ever split.

I do think he may be having a mid life crisis but this is one hell of a way of going about it!

I do think was it all planned - but what I don’t get it why you would go to the extend of planning lovely jobs with me to make it better. I mean little details that I just can’t imagine going through with anyone if I didn’t want to be a part of it. I wonder if it’s been in his mind but he didn’t think he’d actually do it...and then I think he’s just had a breakdown but then I also think maybe I’m being too kind to him by saying that...

I know I’m probably driving you all mad for keep going on but I don’t understand how he was so moralistic about introducing to children and not messing them around and all sorts of things that he wouldn’t slag my ex bf off for and yet he’s done this. Smaller things have been done by other people that he’s said he would never be able to do because he wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of it, yet this is by far the worst experience of my life!

I have questioned if he’s bi-polar and all sorts but I don’t think he is. I think he’s panicked or something and he’s taken it way to far. But maybe he is just relieved now, which hurts all the more.

My brain goes from convincing myself he will be there missing me too, to then thinking he hates me and just wants to hurt me.

He has always had this thing where he has an almost self sabotage where he believes he’s not allowed to be happy and that he has to punish himself. But this is another level.

I just think of all the in depth conversations we’ve had about so many things but especially around people’s behaviours and so this is just mental as I feel he is the person I want to talk to about it cos he would be shocked about it, then have to remind myself it’s actually him I’m talking about!!

Someone said maybe he wants kinkier sex and things like that which I could maybe think is true but then I can’t believe he would throw it all away!

I just want a message at least apologising and telling me what he’s told his daughter at least or apologising for hurting me this way or even trying to make it amicable - he hates confrontation and let’s things go with other people that are much worse and usually just has a moan to me about it and so I think maybe I’ve done something terrible that I’m not aware of!

His ex is in another relationship and has moved on to have another 2 children so I know there isn’t anything there. Although I agree with trying to find the cynical angle, like whether he meant to do it or not. I honestly feel we had plans that day that I think while we were discussing them over breakfast, he was going ahead with but something tipped him to do this (a conversation about socks ironically) but he must have had something in mind to take it to this level and not just have a bit of a disagreement and then carry on.

We didn’t really argue much at all. And when I think back he has done a few things where he has sabotaged and not spoken to me for days - and it’s been horrible - but it’s never been like this where he’s actually sent a message ending it or coming out of the group or dating site.

When I look back, he’s never really got angry with me but I think he’s had some anger issues, just even how irritated he could get about things but it would usually just lead him to have a moan to me about it. On the whole he was actually really chilled out to be with and that’s what I liked because I’d come from a very volatile and erratic past.

I confuse myself so much when I think about it cos our families were so involved in our lives too.

I will stop here because otherwise I will keep rambling....thank you xx