Struggling

[Newtothis5643]

Hi, I'm new to this site and only came across it as a friend of mine sent me to a link that I read and it has taken me a bit of time but I have decided to pick up the courage to create a new thread and get a few opinions, as you seem like a nice supportive bunch.
Just over a week ago, my partner of nearly 2 years, who I felt completely secure and in love with, literally packed his bags and his daughters and put a key under the door and left me.
The thing I am really struggling with, is that we hadn't lived together but he was going through a bereavement and was struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and asked that we go into lockdown together in my house (which I also hadn't been living in may I add, as I was staying with parents). We got there and quickly started making it lovely - he was really committed to making it a lovely home, he was actively doing things in the garden, making suggestions to make it a nicer home. We were going round stores together to buy things for the house and he suggested buying a photo frame and getting some pics up of the 3 of us. He was listing all of the things that he was going to do and going to help me with. He would message me when we weren't together to check that I had done things - he encouraged me to get people round to decorate and do works on the house - we bought tools for him to do the works better - all sorts. We were very active sexually, so didn't see any problems there. When we had his daughter, I had a great relationship with her - I went out of my way to buy things in that they both individually liked. I put them first and listened to a lot of his emotional childhood issues - but we had deep conversations about things and he knew what was right or wrong. He had also helped me at the beginning of our relationship, with an abusive ex who had really torn me apart, where I had been cheated on, had to cancel my wedding, had to buy him out of a house and all sorts of trauma - he would comment often about how awful that was and so I felt reassured that he knew I had been through hell and was finally in a loving and supportive relationship. He also talked about having to be careful with having a child and he hadn't introduced her to anyone before and we had a great relationship - he even said he noticed how much more grown up she would be with me etc. We had also had conversations, where he knew that my concern was that I was building a relationship with the two of them and that God forbid anything did go wrong, that I would love her too and he always reassured that even if something happened to him, he wanted me to be part of her life. He seemed to emotionally mature and I never in a million years, thought that he could a) leave me but b) do it in such a way that was so unexpected, it literally has created panic attacks and shock in me, in a way I can't describe. We had an appointment the day he left, to go and view things that he had booked in and we were planning in the morning to get ready to go and he flipped out over nothing and I said calm down, I'll go for a walk for 5 minutes. (I assumed he was stressed at going back to work etc). he text me while I was walking to say the key was under the mat and that he couldn't do it. I asked him to please come back and talk and that we could get through anything together if we talked and not to sabotage things. He said it had made him realise he couldn't live with anyone and that he was glad it had happened and just put sorry.
No consideration for the hurt he would be putting me through or for the plans we had. We were even trying for a baby of our own because he had said he wanted a family with me and that it was crazy that no one had ever made me a mum.
He was even talking the night before about me and his daughter doing some baking and I was going to take her back to her mums while he was at work. He seemed really happy in the house and even referred to it as a bubble and that he didn't want to go back to work because he couldn't be there to keep doing the routine he had created there (his work is a bit of a distance so he would only be coming on a weekend). There is so much I could say but, he had a great relationship with my family and we had so many special occassions together and he even said to me recently that he had to be grateful to my ex in a way because otherwise we wouldn't be together. I don't think I took him for granted in any way and if anything, I appreciated him so much, that I always made the effort.
We talked and text all the time, so it's really feeling odd not being able to tell him things - he was so interested in my work, my family, my friends - everything.
I didn't reply to his text, because I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what there was to say and felt that I had to have a bit of self respect, with him doing it in such a reckless way and that it was obvious from my previous messages that I wanted to talk and wanted to be with him. He knows that I will be struggling to sleep and eat as he knows how I am, so I find it so utterly cold. I literally feel like they have both died because I walk around the house and there are reminders of them both everywhere. I can't seem to snap out of it but am determined not to message him because I think on this occasion he should swallow his pride and apologise or at least do the decent thing and explain what the hell happened. He said he couldn't deal with small things as they annoyed him too much - but I have no idea what these small things are and how they could be worth throwing away all of the amazing big things we had together.
Feel like I'm going slightly mad to be honest - cannot concentrate, cannot breathe properly half the time and can't stop the constant churning. I haven't been able to open any whatsapp or social media for days and I know he will have seen I haven't been online but I just can't face seeing any profile changes or anything else.
His daughter was also sending things to our group whatsapp and I was politely replying but then I felt like it wasn't fair for him to just be off the hook and me acting like nothing had happened when I had heard nothing from him and he wasn't responding on the group.
I don't really know what I expect anyone to say but it's slightly therapeutic just being able to type this.
Broken hearted doesn't even come close - although I never thought anyone could do something as bad to me as my ex, this feels so much worse, as there is no preparation and I can't at the moment look back and see any bad in him.
Any thoughts appreciated and if not, thanks for listening.

Thanks for being so understanding everyone.

I think I am utterly exhausted with it all now - I have been to see a councilor that I know this afternoon - she said I have to think of it like a mask and like the terminator - so he had a drop down box of how to be when he was with me but always needed that time out to recharge his batteries cos he couldn't keep it up & so when I wanted to just see him randomly/spontaneously he couldn't do it and had to stick to his routine.

I mentioned all the initial messages where in the first few weeks he was asking me to move in with him at some point (cos I had been completely put off from ex) and he said within a couple of years that's what he wanted and all the attentive and committed messages early on and now he says the opposite - she said it's like he jumped into the swimming pool at the deep end and was obsessed with me and ended up at the shallow end - whereas I started at the shallow end and now, I'm in deep water but he's out grabbing his towel & drying off.

He was probably aware of things that were annoying him for a while but he's completely hidden it from me because if he communicated with me a) it would be emotional confrontation that he can't handle, hence him dumping me via text
b) he wouldn't have wanted to make me aware in case I dumped him cos he wanted to make his mind up about what he wanted instead of talking and working on things together if he had a problem.

Ultimately like you have all said, they come before anyone and go along with it all when it's smooth and fits their schedule, when push comes to shove its their way or the highway. And the smallest of things or when they feel out of control, they just abandon.

I even remember there were days we would all be together and he would say they were going and his daughter would be repeatedly saying that she didn't want to go or wanted me to go with them - there would be no reason on my part (or his) that I couldn't go with them. I would say I wanted to too and he would just completely ignore it and just leave with her. And would make me feel guilty that he needed time with her, even though they had loads of time when I wasn't there but it was a bit like his dumping text, he projected stuff onto me that wasn't actually correct.

She's made me make a list of the positives that I am missing and craving, alongside what should have really been reg flags - it's hard cos I am so in love but I'm starting to see some quite hypocritical behaviour and some things that don't really add up at all....

It's weird in a way cos I thought being able to be more logical with it would make me feel better to do this and highlight some things but, it makes me more sad and disappointed cos I have been literally hoping and praying to the universe for it all to be a massive breakdown and that he will come running back and make it all better and change to the person I thought it was.....I guess this is part of the process.

She said I have to start feeling empowered - god, that word is the complete opposite of how I am feeling, it actually feels mental to think that I ever will feel that.....but I am working on myself, I'm trying to read things, I am trying to write things down like you have all said and I am trying to have less tears....maybe numb is a better place to be. I cried in the session a hell of a lot but around family and friends I am completely holding it in (maybe I have learnt from the master how to put on a mask).....thanks again, I love all your positivity - it is you guys who are empowered! xx

Well done for getting help what a fantastic step to take, so pat yourself on the back for that! Its really hard this bit for a while. One thing I was desperate for was the process to be over quickly as I couldn't bare the pain and knowing it was going to take time. I tried to rush getting over him and convince myself I was. I clearly wasn't. Be as kind to yourself as you can. Its going to be a roller coaster for a while until you get used to the new life you are living in. I learned a really good lesson through all of it and that was I over invested in my man and that I let my relationship be my source of happiness. Through a lot of work with my therapist and myself I am able to stand on my own with happiness and my partner is an extra to my happiness now and not the be all and end all. Its a healthy and happy relationship because it is balanced.

hey @litterbird - thanks and it's so reassuring to hear you say that. I just went for a walk and I was literally thinking the part I hate is that time is going so slowly - i literally go to bed thinking, "okay, I've survived another day" and then the nights are so long cos I can't get much sleep at all.
And waking up is horrendous because I have to remember it all over again. It's just horrible.

So it's good to hear - I think you know what, you've sort of resonated something there which I sort of identified today - when I was re-reading our messages from when we were first dating, I seemed to much more active in terms of my social life and what I was doing. I think because of all the routines and various things about the relationship, I stopped doing as much as I would do normally and I sort of put them first. I don't regret doing that of course as that's part of having a family but - you're right, it had become my main source of happiness and what I sort of lived for and it probably shouldn't have been like that and probably wasn't for him cos he was in control of the timings of everything. I was still having my own life and a very active worklife but I guess this happening during lockdown has made it so much worse.

The other thing I have recognsed (and this is probably learn behaviour from previous abusive relationships), is that the times when I was sort of abandoned or ignored over a few days were hell for me, absolute hell. But I never wanted to rock the boat when he sort of came back round but, I actually should have - even if it meant a horrible conversations or him going off again. But I was so addicted to the good times, I stopped standing my ground. In the early days I wasn't like that and also the situations were not as extreme as that.

So I guess as time goes on, I am starting to repair myself in many ways. I just read something that said that the trauma of a relationship just ending over night, has been compared to PTSD. I came across it cos I was looking up rehab for heartache.

Today I managed to feel numb for a lot of the day and that felt better but then when I went walking I got emotional again - and the chest pain and anxiety have started up again - cos I've gone back to a place of not understanding it - (which I need to keep working on)....anyway, I just thought I would pay good money to go to a rehab centre where they make you get better and you are just away from everything to just feel better......I realise this sounds so dramatic but maybe it's a bit like you say, I just want to rush through the process by dealing with it as intense as possible to get to the other side.

I realise I write such a lot too which I think is odd - because I don't even know why anyone would read it but, I find it better to type because I can't sit still or relax. I envy him just being able to carry on like nothing has happened and being able to just sit in his chair and veg out in front of the tv....it's actually bloody infuriating to think he can!!! I want him to feel this pain, I'd pay good money for that too!

I'll stop now but thanks for listening...

You are totally spot on with the PTSD thing. 3 years after he walked out I had a terrifying episode that was triggered by the 3rd anniversary of the day he walked out. I had a terrifying moment that I was launched back to the day he left, it was if I was reliving that day and the days after it with all the trauma. I went to seek out a therapist out immediately who dealt with this stuff. It was because I just tried to block everything out at the beginning and try and get over too fast. I wouldn't wish anyone to go through what I went through. I also bought a book called Abandonment to Healing which made sense of my journey. I have had to repair a lot of abandonment trauma that was created with the event. I believe I have almost healed completely now. So you are doing the best thing you can. If you feel a rehab centre will help, and I am sure it will, then seek it out. If the panic and anxiety are overwhelming please visit your GP, they may help in the short term with anti anxiety tablets and sleeping tablets just to get you through the first part. I had to make friends with the pain in my chest as it stayed for a long time and had to sit with it and know that it would go.....and it did. Keep writing and journaling as it will be good for you and a fascinating insight in to your healing.

Hi OP I have read your whole thread and I think your doing better than you think, you seem to be able to express your feelings and process them. The thing that really helped me loads to get through the depression and anxiety was Saint John worts, it's a herbal tablet that helps with this, they really helped me to take the edge of it, I'm still on them 2 years later as I'm not brave enough to stop them just yet.
My ex walked out on me and our 2 children and what u are describing now is exactly how I felt too, I couldn't even get off the couch and shower or eat, I was a zombie around the children and just cried all the time. He left our 10 year relationship and shackled up with someone else. I had to see him all the time due to the children and it was awful seeing him so happy and he used to go on and on about how amazing the new women was etc, I had hit rock bottom and was left holding the baby. I went for councilling and it was so useful for me, and he helped me loads, my ex was a convert narc too, seems to be a trend here. I use to cry that much that I was sick and I had no energy as I wasn't eating, I was a mess. But slowly over time it hurt less and less every day, I did up my bedroom in pink and kept myself busy with little projects etc, I started to socialise again even though I didn't want to, I'm sure my friends were sick of hearing about him. I started to look after myself again and slowly I started to feel happier again, I looked forward to a nice bath, glass of wine of getting my hair done etc small things to start with. I put in place some boundaries to help deal with my ex, as I still had to see him for the kids etc. Fast forward to 2 years down the line, ex has split up with girlfriend, she has turned nasty and horrible to him and now he has come to realise what he has done, walked out on his family and he has said sorry to me and he knows what he has lost, I have dreamt of the day he would say this, but now it means nothing to me and I would never thought I would ever say, he was the love of my life but now I feel nothing, I have met a lovely man, an old friend and he is everything I have ever wanted, he is so kind and caring and lovely, and we are planning our future together, we will be moving in together next year, after we build an extension etc so we will have a nice new house, he has a little girl too, who I love and my kids love them both, I could never in a million years predict this is where I would be after 2 years but I have never been happier, time is a great healer, it really is, people who have commented on this thread have gone through the same experience and have come out of the other side, you cannot see it yet, but you will, I hope you update us in a couple of years down the line, it will be nice to keep this thread so see how far you have come, sorry to waffle on a bit, big hugs to you OP x

I would also recommend a hot bath, candles, wine and the back to Black album by Amy winehouse if you are up for a good cry, my councillor told me to cry if I needed to cry and let it all out, after so long though my friends got tough with me and told me off for wallowing in it a little too much, it was a kick I needed to be fair to them, I used to remember I use to measure how well I was doing by how many times I had cried that week

Thanks for sharing and caring - I am sorry that you all too have gone through this. Emotions are one strange thing aren't they - imagine having a switch to be able to turn them off....but I guess that would make us robots.

The PTSD thing is an interesting one and I think I have every symptom.

I'm feeling worse today for some reason, like I've had a set back from yesterday.

I am getting some online Reiki at lunchtime though - not sure how reiki works online but, I've bought a session and willing to give it a go.

Wish I could turn back time, do things differently, pick up on stuff more, maybe been more aware early on to stop me feeling so crap.

I think the thing I struggle with is that he really was the more boring, routine person. He described himself as a hermit and me bringing him out of that. I opened up his world I said and made him have a life, rather than just existing. So why is the grass greener and why am I boring to him now. I haven't changed and haven't stopped putting the effort in so when did he start feeling that.....guess I'll never know the answers.

Anyway - thanks for all your advise and for sharing the experiences - it's funny to think how desperately I want him to turn up or message me and yet most of you have described these exact same emotions and said that when that happened for you, you weren't bothered anymore. I can't imagine that, yet I know it is true.

The irony is that I have always been adventurous, social and spontaneous but, I feel we have switched roles and he is now so confident and excited about the world and I am hibernating and not wanting to see anyone or be anywhere apart from in a dark room on my own to deal with these feelings.

How odd....I am angry at myself more than him in a way!

Ooh we like anger....that’s an important stage of progressing through your grief.

Anger is energy and active - it’s a nudge on from the paralysis and numb of shock and denial.

And processing grief is physically and mentally exhausting. You have covered an awful lot of ground.

If you need to wallow for a few hours a day - crack on with the sad songs, snotty crying, angry journaling. Your feelings are valid - you have been deeply hurt and betrayed. You need to honour and express your feelings caused by this hurt in the privacy of your own home - allow it to rise and importantly subside and leave your body......but have something positive to do each day which isn’t about him and involves getting out of the house and connecting nature and the nice human beings in your life who treat you with kindness and respect. You need to actively counter his treatment of you by flushing out thoughts of his toxic actions and fill your life instead with clear positive interactions.

And good that you can see all of your own positive attributes that he has somehow sucked from you - but you will get them back in time.

There is no healing without feeling. You are doing great

Just reaching out too. Some of the advice on here is excellent.

Couple of things from me. Please don’t be angry with yourself as you describe you feel. Take yourself outside the situation and look in - and what would ‘you’ do for ‘you’? You’d probably give yourself a massive hug and say be gentle, what’s you’ve been through is a big deal. Allow that sad emotion to happen and work through it - it’s okay to be sad, and angry at him, but don’t be angry with yourself and don’t shut the feelings away too much.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD just this last week. It stems back to being married to a very controlling narcissist. After years and years of EA I left with no contact (other than divorce proceedings which obviously had a third party involved) and since the day I left I’ve not spoken to him directly. Although that’s fantastic I also didn’t process the whole thing properly and my family didn’t help much either - they (and I) were so glad it was over there was a lot of ‘let’s just get on with life now’ and things were not processed properly. As a result I NOW after years of thinking I am Teflon coated, am having serious issues with anxiety and emotions which my CBT counsellor is very sure comes from that time.

So be kind to yourself now, nurture yourself and allow that stuff to happen. You will be okay, I can promise you that much.

@Gutterton thank you, you’re right. I think my anger is back to confusion and sadness and trying to work it all out but I’m trying to focus on work and things, but it just doesn’t fullfill you in the same way.

@Nomorewineever so sorry to hear that you are going through this now. It’s really scary and really hard to process those emotions. But brilliant that you are having CBT and working it all out.

I would definitely say I’ve spent my life just blocking things out and that’s been my brains way of dealing with stuff. I had some 121 online reiki yesterday and I wasn’t expecting much coz I thought you had to be there in person but, I was willing to try anything just to have a distraction.
Actually she doesn’t need to be face to face. She was incredible. I don’t know how she could pick up on energies over the phone but she was spot on and took me all the way back to stuff that happened to me when I was 18!! She was so in tune and it sort of made me realise that I myself have some deep rooted issues that I have never addressed and as high a price it is to pay (and it doesn’t take the pain away), I have to really really use this time to work on healing me. Cos if i keep putting this off then I’m going to have a niggle that I need to do this. I was going to do it about 18 months ago after an awful experience that I again blocked. So sometimes, call it universe, fate, planets....whatever....I think I’ve got a lot of baggage that needs unpacking!

I’m always beating myself up for stuff and always working on others and I need to find some inner peace and worthiness. My only regret is that I didn’t start doing this when I first met him as maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now.

But thanks for listening - my heart is hurting but i know I’m not ignoring it this time. X

That’s a really important breakthrough Ron know that you have something to fix yourself. Once you do this your life will be much lighter and richer. Self compassion is the route out of beating yourself up - which you don’t need to be doing because as you have experienced there are enough people out there who will happily do that to you if you let them.

You say that you are always “working on others” - do you give too much and it’s not appreciated? Have a read up on codependency and the drama triangle.

Yes, you're right and I do need to be kinder to myself.
When things happen I seem to have this feeling that I have brought it on myself through one thing or another - not necessarily a particular action but just through energy maybe - hard to explain.

Yes, I think I give far too much - what I have looked back at is that there have been times (not just in this relationship but with friends who have turned their back on me also), where I have not necessarily been treated right by then but, because I don't want to have confrontation or see the bad in them, I have turned a blind eye to it.
But then as soon as I have done one thing to seemingly annoy them, they have completely dropped me.

In this case, one of the reasons I am finding it so hard is because he was in such a bad emotional state and he was coming to me and I just find it really hard to think that he felt so much for me and seemed to appreciate it and has now completely done a u-turn.

The way she explained it yesterday was that if someone is not good at expressing themselves emotionally naturally, when they start to feel so much and when they feel they really need you, it can be scary for them and they then panic at that feeling and push you away.

I don't know the ins and outs of it and something I am trying to tell my brain to do, is to stop trying to second guess what's happening with him because I can't help him - he is going to have to have those epiphany moments for himself. Me listing it out to him or trying will not do either of us any good, as hard as it is to just switch off myself cos I have this love I want to share.

The problem i am having at the moment is that it's like my brain is randomly sending me videos or pictures, that make me think of so many situations that make me question the things he has said and the action he has taken - it's like torture because I can't press stop or switch off these images and they literally just flash up out of nowhere. It's so dam hard to deal with cos they provoke so much emotion, confusion, hope, sadness - you get it.

Anyway, I am trying to teach myself to meditate as much as I can, even for 5 minutes a day to try to take control of myself.

Those thoughts are appropriate for now - because this situation is v hard to understand and you are just trying to make sense of something senseless. Writing down the confusing thoughts gets them out of your head. But having an expectation that you won’t be able to find the answers doesn’t mean you can’t ask and log the question. Purge yourself of all of this stuff now - you don’t want it swirling around at the same frequency and intensity for too long as it will drain you of emotional energy that you need to look at and heal yourself

• not just from this RS - but from repeated patterns of behaviours that are of good intention but inadvertently backfiring and causing distress. If you relate to co-dependency it might be because there was some dysfunction going on in your childhood.

This website has lots of info and support - maybe start with this page to see if anything resonates:
coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

If it does this book is a brilliant tool:

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thanks for that - I will certainly have a look and always interested in books like this for self development.
I wish I didn't love him so much - I had a chat with my mum and she said this is the first time where it has not been my choice to walk away and where I have loved him so much that I have let things slide that I maybe should have addressed along the way. In the past, even though situations have been bad, I've been in control of walking away from it all and have never loved on this level.

I guess life teaches us things for a reason.

Thanks again for sharing.

I’m sorry this is blunt but you met him just after coming out of a bad experience.
I think he saw that vulnerability and used you, took advantage, and tossed you aside later.

Yes people do this, there’s no point even trying to analyse why, it just wastes vital energy like water leaking through a sieve.

Some people just are that cold and manipulative.

You need to make a decision to end this ‘story’, this script that you are now creating to explain his behaviour. This is not an insult to you, quite the opposite - YOU alone choose your life path and who you allow in. Anyone who causes this much pain is bad for you. Protect you.

The accumulated pain from past hurt is now fusing to the recent hurt and you are in danger of ‘taking this on as an identity’.

Sounds really daft but I think eckhart tolle really explains this stuff well.

Yeah maybe I am it's just my gut feeling says this isn't that - but like you say, I'm probably not in the best place at the moment for assessing it all.

I am working on this with all the sessoins I am booking in and appreciate a bit of "tough love" in the matter....than you

Musicformonks makes a good point that we can only take control and responsibility for our own selves. Don’t worry about him - think about you. If you have had repeated abusive RS - then try to work on learning what the red flags are and what confused gut senses did you over ride in your optimism.

Also you are doing well - it must be 3 weeks now - you have survived and made great progress - just got to keep moving forward gently.

I know you are all probably right and yes it's 3 weeks this weekend.
But I feel like I am getting worse. Yes I have survived but I feel more emotional than I have been. I want to feel stunned again - cos I am feeling like I am crying every day and I am also feeling like I haven't washed my hair since last week and I used to do it nearly every day.
I don't know why I am going backwards but I just guess I don't really believe it. I honestly feel like he's coming back - is that pathetic!?

I have booked more reiki and counciling for next week and I am going to keep it up but I just feel so horrible and I hate it.

I don't even want to go back to my house - how bad is that. I am just hibernating and I know I shouldn't be doing that but I just don't feel like anything will make me happy right now. x

If he got in touch and said he made a mistake, would you honestly take him back after all he has put you through? I imagine if you did, you would be on the edge of your seat for ever more wondering if he would do it again.

Hi @Newtothis5643, what you are feeling is normal. The shock is wearing off and your feelings are coming forward now. This isn't a pleasant bit at all but I want you to know this is all the important part of the process. The brain is trying to protect you and thinks he is going to come back to stop the pain of abandonment. It sucks, that's all I can say. Embrace this part of the process, know its going to get worse before it gets better and remember you are now having the numbing effect of shock going so be prepared. You will get through this I promise you. Keep posting.

I really really would have him back - I miss him so much and the more and more I think about things, I just don't think this is him. I don't think he's a covert narc and I think he has issues to resolve about himself and has some stuff to deal with but I don't think he's a monster.
I just hope I'm not setting myself up for a fall - I know he's not showing any signs of coming round at the moment but I can't believe that he will be okay with this.

Keep track of your emotions and know that the deep distraught crying episodes are therapeutic - they are the medicine. See them as coming in waves - you might get 5 waves a day for a week that last 45 minutes and did you keep tracking in two weeks time these episodes might be only 4 times a day or every other day or only last for 30 mins.

Wanting to isolate is natural. Let yourself do that for a bit - but push yourself to go out for a walk for 15 minutes each day to meet up with a friend - it’s important to keep connected to the outside world.

Thanks. Yes I have been going for a walk cos I get to the point that I just have too much energy or emotion and have to walk it off a bit. I was awake at 4am again. I dreamt about him and his family and his daughter and we got back together and it was all so vivid, that I felt sick when I woke up!
I keep thinking I should have taken all your advice and I shouldn’t have gone round there because it would have still been a bit open - but now he’s got so nasty he’s unlikely to come round - I’m so upset with myself! I should have stuck with what I was doing! I keep googling to see if there are stories of people coming back - how sad is that!!

but now he’s got so nasty

Once the fog of immediate pain lifts, look at why you want to be with someone this nasty. Is it him you want or the promise of a similar lifestyle that is your driving motivation.