Struggling

[Newtothis5643]

Hi, I'm new to this site and only came across it as a friend of mine sent me to a link that I read and it has taken me a bit of time but I have decided to pick up the courage to create a new thread and get a few opinions, as you seem like a nice supportive bunch.
Just over a week ago, my partner of nearly 2 years, who I felt completely secure and in love with, literally packed his bags and his daughters and put a key under the door and left me.
The thing I am really struggling with, is that we hadn't lived together but he was going through a bereavement and was struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and asked that we go into lockdown together in my house (which I also hadn't been living in may I add, as I was staying with parents). We got there and quickly started making it lovely - he was really committed to making it a lovely home, he was actively doing things in the garden, making suggestions to make it a nicer home. We were going round stores together to buy things for the house and he suggested buying a photo frame and getting some pics up of the 3 of us. He was listing all of the things that he was going to do and going to help me with. He would message me when we weren't together to check that I had done things - he encouraged me to get people round to decorate and do works on the house - we bought tools for him to do the works better - all sorts. We were very active sexually, so didn't see any problems there. When we had his daughter, I had a great relationship with her - I went out of my way to buy things in that they both individually liked. I put them first and listened to a lot of his emotional childhood issues - but we had deep conversations about things and he knew what was right or wrong. He had also helped me at the beginning of our relationship, with an abusive ex who had really torn me apart, where I had been cheated on, had to cancel my wedding, had to buy him out of a house and all sorts of trauma - he would comment often about how awful that was and so I felt reassured that he knew I had been through hell and was finally in a loving and supportive relationship. He also talked about having to be careful with having a child and he hadn't introduced her to anyone before and we had a great relationship - he even said he noticed how much more grown up she would be with me etc. We had also had conversations, where he knew that my concern was that I was building a relationship with the two of them and that God forbid anything did go wrong, that I would love her too and he always reassured that even if something happened to him, he wanted me to be part of her life. He seemed to emotionally mature and I never in a million years, thought that he could a) leave me but b) do it in such a way that was so unexpected, it literally has created panic attacks and shock in me, in a way I can't describe. We had an appointment the day he left, to go and view things that he had booked in and we were planning in the morning to get ready to go and he flipped out over nothing and I said calm down, I'll go for a walk for 5 minutes. (I assumed he was stressed at going back to work etc). he text me while I was walking to say the key was under the mat and that he couldn't do it. I asked him to please come back and talk and that we could get through anything together if we talked and not to sabotage things. He said it had made him realise he couldn't live with anyone and that he was glad it had happened and just put sorry.
No consideration for the hurt he would be putting me through or for the plans we had. We were even trying for a baby of our own because he had said he wanted a family with me and that it was crazy that no one had ever made me a mum.
He was even talking the night before about me and his daughter doing some baking and I was going to take her back to her mums while he was at work. He seemed really happy in the house and even referred to it as a bubble and that he didn't want to go back to work because he couldn't be there to keep doing the routine he had created there (his work is a bit of a distance so he would only be coming on a weekend). There is so much I could say but, he had a great relationship with my family and we had so many special occassions together and he even said to me recently that he had to be grateful to my ex in a way because otherwise we wouldn't be together. I don't think I took him for granted in any way and if anything, I appreciated him so much, that I always made the effort.
We talked and text all the time, so it's really feeling odd not being able to tell him things - he was so interested in my work, my family, my friends - everything.
I didn't reply to his text, because I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what there was to say and felt that I had to have a bit of self respect, with him doing it in such a reckless way and that it was obvious from my previous messages that I wanted to talk and wanted to be with him. He knows that I will be struggling to sleep and eat as he knows how I am, so I find it so utterly cold. I literally feel like they have both died because I walk around the house and there are reminders of them both everywhere. I can't seem to snap out of it but am determined not to message him because I think on this occasion he should swallow his pride and apologise or at least do the decent thing and explain what the hell happened. He said he couldn't deal with small things as they annoyed him too much - but I have no idea what these small things are and how they could be worth throwing away all of the amazing big things we had together.
Feel like I'm going slightly mad to be honest - cannot concentrate, cannot breathe properly half the time and can't stop the constant churning. I haven't been able to open any whatsapp or social media for days and I know he will have seen I haven't been online but I just can't face seeing any profile changes or anything else.
His daughter was also sending things to our group whatsapp and I was politely replying but then I felt like it wasn't fair for him to just be off the hook and me acting like nothing had happened when I had heard nothing from him and he wasn't responding on the group.
I don't really know what I expect anyone to say but it's slightly therapeutic just being able to type this.
Broken hearted doesn't even come close - although I never thought anyone could do something as bad to me as my ex, this feels so much worse, as there is no preparation and I can't at the moment look back and see any bad in him.
Any thoughts appreciated and if not, thanks for listening.

Write all of those letters now - but never post them. Journaling is an important process to get the tangle out of your head.

You will know when you are moving on when the desperate, fantastical, wishful thinking moves on to anger.

In either of those emotional states it would not be healthy to be in dialogue with him - you would be v emotionally vulnerable and likely to make poor choices and get hurt either in the short or medium term.

He has been exceptionally unkind and disrespectful respectful to you.

This is what he is capable of.

This is who he is.

The charm and charisma is a mask to cover up his inner darkness.

What do your friends and family think of him - are these actions consistent with what they have suspected and seen from him before.

I've read the whole thing and you've had great advice. However, you'd be crazy to meet up with this man and beg him for closure. He will never let you have it, he will just torment you more. Don't do it!

@Gutterton thank you - I will take your advice. The friends and family i have now spoken to are utterly shocked. They really felt he was genuine and interested in me and my family. They are all really sad for me and believed that everything was great. My parents were really pleased at how happy we were and he had been sending lots of messages and pictures and videos and things to my parents during lockdown of me and his daughter....what was that all about?!

@YgritteSnow - I won't go and beg for closure, as tempting as it is. I had this horrible urge last night that I just wanted to go to his house and ask him for an explanation but like you say, he's not likely to give it to me, as he obviously thinks it's okay to do this.
The thing I find utterly shocking is, he often remarked on how awful my ex boyfriends had been, so I never thought it would be even worse....but I'm guessing he doesn't view it like that....I just can't understand how after such an intense loving relationship, he doesn't miss me yet! and wonder if he ever will!

P.S. I realise that if you have read all of this, that I must sound absolutely pathetic and I know if I was giving the advise to someone else I would be saying to stay away but, my brain keeps doing this weird sort of swishy thing, where I suddenly say but, NO - it's him...he would never behave like this....it's going to sort itself out...I have seen him go into a sort of shutdown before - one time he just didn't message and I sort of decided to give him space - then in the evening I messaged him to see he was okay and he didn't show up online until the next morning where he said that he had just felt really depressed and that his way of dealing with it was just to completely shut off.
I turned up at his house the next day and he was sat there with his daughter there and I said I was really worried and was upset that he didn't feel he could just at least tell me when we are so open with each other and so in touch - he sort of laughed off me being worried and just said it was his way and then had a shower and we carried on to have a normal day and went for lunch and looking round houses. I felt a bit anxious, I have to say, because I had gone from all the worry to then him saying I was over-reacting in a really calm way. I felt a bit stupid - so then I think, is this just another depressed episode and he us shutting me out because I am the easiest person to shut out and probably the one who will care the most....while on lockdown he never heard from his parents and he kept commenting on the fact that if he didn't live or work with them, that he would probably never hear from them....I wonder if he's testing me in some way....am I just going mad?!

Oh OP my heart breaks reading this. I have been where you are and it's soul destroying and you think is it you and you think what did I do. None of this was you but he's an evil manipulative piece of work. Start loving yourself and realising just how amazing you are and if he dares message you or tries to get in touch don't reply. That's the best way to deal with this creature

Sounds like he already tested you once before given your latest post. So this time he might well be pushing your boundaries even further - a bigger test.....?

Either way - he doesn’t deserve you.

No one should be treated this like this.

He is brutal and cruel.

Not just to you but also his child it seems.

I realise that if you have read all of this, that I must sound absolutely pathetic

Op you don't sound pathetic AT ALL. You sound lovely.

He on the other hand... . He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, a grown man, a father, and he's not man enough to treat you with respect and have the basic decency to afford you a 30 minute face to face conversation. (Especially as you had accommodated them both in your home.) Now that's pathetic alright, in fact he's a horrible coward.

This is the third time I've posted on this thread and probably not the last, I feel more invested in this situation than any other thread I've read on here... I hope that doesn't sound too weird sorry if it does! The only reason being like a pp has said it just breaks my heart to read what you are going through and so many people can relate to this feeling. I wouldn't wish this kind of devastation on my worst enemy. Someone causing you this much emotional trauma in my opinion is like having some kind of illness and unless you've been through it you just can't imagine. Nobody on here thinks you sound pathetic OP you sound lovely, sincere and completely innocent in all of this.

I believe he will come back, they usually do. When he does I hope you will have found closure from within by that point and are strong enough to turn him away. When you do he will spend the rest of his life regretting it x

Just want to add another voice to the chorus that you are not pathetic. You’ve been blindsided by someone deceitful and disrespectful.

I hope you won’t internalise his behaviour as being a reflection on you. You’re not crazy or going mad.

Over the next few days you’ll probably recall more incidents that felt off. Someone else on this thread has suggested writing it all down. Imagine what you might say to him face to face and get it on paper instead.

Note your most recent example of his poor behaviour which was seemingly counterproductive to what he desired — it was underpinned by you being the “cool girl”

Not pressuring him
You were legitimately hurt but had to put aside all your feelings for him
He was allowed to shrug off his behaviour & not have to analyse his behaviour or the affect it has on other people around him
He got to play the bad mummy & daddy card to evoke your sympathies

Might I add a child is not something to “show” at the end of a relationship. When people are ending relationships here the sentiment is usually “thank god” when kids are not involved. You sound deeply insecure at not ever having been married or bearing a child. As a childfree indentifying 38 year old woman your attitude seems like a major problem. You speak of yourself like you are “less than” him because he has a child.

You have shown more genuine caring for this child than he as a parent - he has ripped off your relationship with her like a bandaid. He does not care how this will have affected her or there would have been an adult conversation about how to handle the breakup with her.

This is not a good person. You are in a delusional mindset because who you believed him to be is a lie. In time promise you will look back & feel so angry, replaying memories of him/things he did or said & see with benefit of clear mind + mindset that he is a fake, a liar, not to be trusted at all.

Embrace your anger, you’re going to need it & it will feel empowering. Like how DARE he put himself on this pedestal of pitying you because no man ‘gave’ you a child. A child is not some trophy man bestowes you with. His attitude towards you is of pity. Yet he pities the woman of good character who actually has his daughter’s needs & feelings in mind. You are more than he will ever be. He is playing on what must surely be an obvious insecurity that you have not had kids.

Please OP go visit CHUMP LADY website. You are still deep in Chump land right now. You’re in danger of trying to do the “pick me” dance wasting your time trying to win back the attentions of a piece of shit.

People who are mature & of sound mind do not set traps, tests, hoops for people to jump past.

So no I repeat please do not write him anything, especially not some long winded emotional letter. In time you will be proud to have gone no contact & stood up for yourself.

Do not I repeat do not make any attempts to go to his house or work place in attempt to clear the air or talk to him. He is like an addiction for you at this stage. Your body is in withdrawal craving the heady feeling of a soothing makeup, to get your fix of the love drug again. It’s just the oxytocin withdrawal - it’s all chemical. Once you get him out of your system you will realise he is nasty

what @vikingwife says.....cant say anymore than that. I know exactly what you are going through and how to god I managed to never contact mine after he disappeared I don't know. But I did. It was hard. It was the best thing I ever did.

If you have been friends for many years before the RS - so you have friends in common, do you live near each other etc - are your paths likely to cross?

If so is there a way of minimising or avoiding any interactions?

@Mikeymoo12 - thank you for understanding. I still can't think of him as evil but I am trying to process what has happened.

@Gutterton - yes it's not nice to be tested but I think it's been the only way I can sort of process what's happened.

@Studycast - thank you, not feeling very lovely but trying to read and work on myself and how I should be in the future.

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit - your post made me feel quite emotional - to have someone who doesn't know me at all be that supportive and care that much, is really heart warming. I honestly, could cry to think you could feel that when I've done nothing but moan and obsess. I feel quite selfish really as I know that so many people now have had similar experiences, so why should I be writing and trying to understand mine but, I really do appreciate it. Thank you for caring x

@anonnnnni - thank you for the reassurance and the advice, I am going to start journaling and working on me so I can stop feeling like I am responsible or going mad.

@vikingwife - wow that really made me think. Maybe I do actually spend a lot of my time thinking I am not good enough or in fact, why have i never been good enough for anyone to want to stay with me and commit to me and that probably actually stems from previous trauma's and not him but, I hadn't actually thought of it like that.
I promise I am not someone who tries to pity myself or get sympathy or anything - i try to be strong and independent and caring and positive but I guess this has thrown me more than I thought but, your words have really given me food for thought to perhaps what I am putting out there about myself. Thank you. I needed that.

@litterbird thank you

@Gutterton - we do but I doubt our paths will cross.

Big thank you all for taking the time to help me.

@Gutterton I appreciate your view but sometimes it's the confusion and lack of reasonable explanation - however difficult - that is hard to move on from

It is, but - in my experience - a covert narc won't give you the explanation you need. They're far more likely to tell you something that isn't true but paints them in a positive light or else shift the blame on you entirely.

And I second @vikingwife's suggestion of visiting ChumpLady. Better still, send her this post - there's a good chance she'll post a personal response and other members of "ChumpNation" will be able to offer support and understanding too.

You write you made lots of effort in all your relationships, it may be you are too eager to please men in the hope of keeping them, so you are no longer in YOUR eyes a 'failure'. You write you did cooking and cleaning while he was with you - did you do all of it? Showing again you're so eager to please a man. This can mark you as an easy target for user men.

You also seem to have spoken at length to him about your past abusive relationships. This gave him an in to your vulnerability, and a way of forging fake closeness and empathy.

There are lessons to be learned here, once you're past your initial shock. Never make a man your all, or think you're incomplete without one. You are a strong, kind woman who has been used by a narc or simply a user, maybe for a cosy billet during lockdown, or maybe simply because he could.

Now he's tired of playacting the cosy home guy, and wants a new acting role as dater and stud about town.

Do not allow him back when he tires of dating and wants a sure bet and a bit of comfort. Do not allow yourself to again be a bit part player in the great drama of his life.

May I ask - did you feel passionately in love with him, more so than any other love in your life? I only say this because I know that sometimes I've 'fallen in love' with men who fitted the mould of what feels right for a potential future life and then rolled with it. But in actual fact, they weren’t the one, however much I wanted them to be. I’d be interested to hear how you felt about him in the grand scheme of things?

The fact that you’ve been so strong since the breakup means that every second you’re saving by not getting in contact with him, is an extra second to find the right person for you (if you wish to find a partner at all!). Through splitting up, you now have the space to find true happiness, which simply, through facts, never could have been with him.

Imo the best case scenario for him would be him saying ‘oh my goodness I had a moment of madness, I take it all back!’. But in that case, is that ok? You deserve someone who can’t get enough of you and would never have a doubt. I know this, we know this, you know this - but it’s so hard to accept I know (too many of us have been there already).

Him having children who you’ve connected to so closely obviously makes it so much harder. You love these children so much and I would also be devastated to have to cut contact.

I don’t know how old you are, but I’m 38. I’m lucky that I feel liberated in not feeling the need to have a partner or children at all. But I remember in my early to mid thirties I was dead-set on finding a partner to have the ‘perfect’ societal norm. But that was a big mistake - I trialed out several partners, including a two-year live-together relationship - but I realised - you can’t fake true love.

I’m massively struggling tonight. I was doing a bit better in parts of last night and this morning - i think it was down to the fact I convinced myself that it was all going to be okay and actually dreamt about messaging him like normal.

I have now got myself all worked up and anxious and upset and feel like a fog on my brain.

I absolutely thought he was the love of my life, so passionately in every way. To the point I thought we should have got together sooner! He even said to me I wish we’d got together 10 years ago.

I just find find it all so bizarre. I feel like he’s just living his normal life without me and I can’t understand how but then I think he has a way of zoning out more. And I am unable to do that!

You are trying to rationalise & understand the feelings / intent / motivation of a narcissist. You will need time to work through it. Ups and downs are the norm. But every time you find yourself questioning him like “but he said X!” “His way of dealing with things is Y” is not going to get you anywhere. Because those were lies. Where you are now is reality. He was playing the part of sensitive, caring boyfriend because he enjoys that role. None of this is about you personally. It may seem that way but it’s not.

You are wasting energy better spent on yourself by going around in circles debating the hows & whys.

Narcissists are great at future faking. They love being swept up in the drama & grandiosity of love. He will be telling the next insecure woman the same lines which worked on you. You can still hear the echo of his sweet “I wish we had met ten years ago”. Why? So he wouldn’t have his existing daughter ? In what seemed a lovely romantic statement will be hidden selfishness.

You having wonderful d&ms - he would have loved being your soundboard, someone to offer advice to. Narcs always love the sound of their own voice & people who idolise them, as you obviously did. I agree he will have been learning what your insecurities are by having these deep conversations.

isn’t it funny how he was seemingly able to self reflect & offer you insight into his past, his parents, previous relationships & gave the impression he was emotionally intelligent - yet when he has done something hurtful it all comes out as excuses / defensive / dismissive of your feelings ? When push comes to shove he isn’t insightful or emotionally intelligent when it comes to anyone other than himself. He has no interest in analysing his bad behaviours with a view of learning & growing. They’re excuses.

They can wax lyrical on many topics but they are imitating a fake empathetic person. You’ve been had.

I think you want to be a good person & be seen as understanding, kind, generous, empathetic. However while these are good traits, they are destructive to yourself in this situation.

Making a list of every kindness you showed him & how he has chosen to repay you for it may be a start ? Find your anger ! It will help promise you that.

When a narcissist is done with you it’s called the final discard & it is very hurtful. He is going on with life as if it was normal - living proof you did not mean much to him, he did not care deeply for you & these people at their core are incredibly shallow. That can be why I think they pretend so hard to be these deep, insightful empathetic people - they know how deficient they are in human emotions. They mimic & copy because of their true feelings/opinions/motivations were known they would not be accepted by society.

One thing have learned recently is a covert / any kind of narcisssist will sometimes give themselves away by denying something verbally they are actually feeling.

Look at the situation with Myka Stauffer, the people who adopted the child from China so lovingly on their YouTube channel, then gave him away when he wasn’t fun anymore. In her videos she is often giving herself away eg” oh we have never thought of giving him up! We love him forever”

In reality they were thinking of giving him up

Narcs will often catastrophise - if you pull them up on one particular thing they may be grow their hands up & say “well I must be the worst boyfriend in the world then !” - they don’t want to address a particular issue & will make out like it’s a character assassination. They are terrified of having their TRUE character examined. The only one which they enjoy examining is the fake front they present to the world.

I am quite certain in his language there will have been “tells” which once you learn more about narcissism might help you see things in a different light.

I suggest any memory which confuses you because he seemed so sweet - go back & replay it with a critical analysis of what would have been benefiting him in that situation. They always have a secret agenda, ALWAYS.

Replay it & think “what was he getting out of that conversation / interaction ?” Because he will have been getting his narcissistic supply with you.

I don’t wish to upset you but he will have someone else on the go now & May have had an overlap with partners. They rarely leave until they get some form of better offer.

Also if you’re wondering how he can love & stop ? Well think of a lovely pair of shoes you bought. You wore them, enjoyed them but after some time they were due replacement. Nothing wrong with them, just a bit worn & tired. They don’t excite you anymore like they did when you bought them. Buying a new pair of shoes will be fun won’t it ?

It’s as deep as that. All the deep conversations are hiding someone who replaces people as though they were shoes.

They do come running back when the new shoes don’t fit well or give them a blister. Watch out for that. Maybe you will sit at the op shop (single life) and someone new is going to happen upon you & wonder where these awesome shoes have been their whole life!

Do not go back to your original owner

(Am attempting humour to comfort you, not to upset you here & hope it is working.)

A better example than Myka Stauffer who you may not know of is say:

“I have never thought about cheating, I’m very loyal”

When they say “I never” or “I don’t” it can sometimes be a tell as to exactly what they are feeling/thinking.

It’s really hard to spot at first but once you “see” the fake everything they do or say looks obviously an act. However they can be extremely convincing because most people take what others say at face value and aren’t secretly examine possible bad intentions. You are a good person so you see through your lens others must want to be good people too. Unfortunately this is not always the case & with your insecurities perhaps focus on yourself not being good enough when in reality this person is not good enough for you.

I don’t think you sound drama or attention seeking at all. You seem like a person who has had a terrible shock & their brain needs some time to catch up with your heart. But it will. I would allow yourself 6-12 months to be ok with not feeling ok. Please allow yourself permission & give yourself the kindness I bet you would show to a stranger on the street who is going through what you are.

Also sorry to spam ‘ but whenever they come across as caring, it is not true care - it is underpinned by pity. They must pity everyone around them so they feel superior. He could have acted totally caring with you, but if you heard how he might describe you to someone else you would be shocked, because he will speak of you with an air of pity.

My mother could coach someone to help them on their weight loss journey & be a wonderful sounding board to her friends at the gym who idolise her. But around the dinner table will speak of her fat unfortunate friends in a putting manner. They can let their guard drop with people they know are true enablers, who will tolerate their real ugly opinions.

Also one final thing - there is a channel on YouTube, it is called “live abuse free”

She is an amazing lady, English too ! She lives in Thailand though...her videos really helped me through some tough times, learning to understand covert narcissism & how insidious it is. She covers a lot of narcissistic abuse related topics which you may find helpful.

It was her who taught me about how the narcissist can give themselves away by denying something which is their true feelings. They are an expert at denying anything which makes them look bad. The only way they admit to bad things is with the intention of an excuse to their behaviour or to get you to feel sorry for them. To make you feel special they have opened up to you.

Live Abuse Free lady is the best on YouTube I reckon !

@vikingwife thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I’ve read it a few times and haven’t replied coz I’ve kept thinking this is not him.
I don’t know why I’m struggling so hard to accept it.
I will look up what you have said and try To stop wallowing.

The worst feeling is the pain and then the lack of sleep and then you get half and hour and dream about them and wake up panicking and remembering it all!

I am starting to hate myself for being so pathetic!

I never thought I’d allow this feeling but it’s awful!

Tomorrow I must have a shower and put some make up on and remember I am more than this wreck who agonises constantly!

Just wanted to send regards and you are not pathetic.

These types do tend to turn up again, and usually just around the time you’re almost fully healed. It’s like they have some weird ability to sense it.

You’re doing good! Don’t message him and don’t write him. Stay strong. Keep up with no contact. I swear you will thank yourself later. He will not give you closure and you’ll be feeding his ego. He might even start a narrative of how you just “can’t let go” or are crazy or something. This is how they are.

You will get through this! I actually feel sorry for his kid. You are a very loving woman who has a huge heart.

I have no doubt he will come back especially since you’re not chasing him. He will wonder were his ego kibbles went... he will wonder why you don’t feel the need to wail on his porch... The nerve that you aren’t texting him and leaving messages crying! .... then he will come sniffing around. I’ll bet you a sandwich! :)