Struggling

[Newtothis5643]

Hi, I'm new to this site and only came across it as a friend of mine sent me to a link that I read and it has taken me a bit of time but I have decided to pick up the courage to create a new thread and get a few opinions, as you seem like a nice supportive bunch.
Just over a week ago, my partner of nearly 2 years, who I felt completely secure and in love with, literally packed his bags and his daughters and put a key under the door and left me.
The thing I am really struggling with, is that we hadn't lived together but he was going through a bereavement and was struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and asked that we go into lockdown together in my house (which I also hadn't been living in may I add, as I was staying with parents). We got there and quickly started making it lovely - he was really committed to making it a lovely home, he was actively doing things in the garden, making suggestions to make it a nicer home. We were going round stores together to buy things for the house and he suggested buying a photo frame and getting some pics up of the 3 of us. He was listing all of the things that he was going to do and going to help me with. He would message me when we weren't together to check that I had done things - he encouraged me to get people round to decorate and do works on the house - we bought tools for him to do the works better - all sorts. We were very active sexually, so didn't see any problems there. When we had his daughter, I had a great relationship with her - I went out of my way to buy things in that they both individually liked. I put them first and listened to a lot of his emotional childhood issues - but we had deep conversations about things and he knew what was right or wrong. He had also helped me at the beginning of our relationship, with an abusive ex who had really torn me apart, where I had been cheated on, had to cancel my wedding, had to buy him out of a house and all sorts of trauma - he would comment often about how awful that was and so I felt reassured that he knew I had been through hell and was finally in a loving and supportive relationship. He also talked about having to be careful with having a child and he hadn't introduced her to anyone before and we had a great relationship - he even said he noticed how much more grown up she would be with me etc. We had also had conversations, where he knew that my concern was that I was building a relationship with the two of them and that God forbid anything did go wrong, that I would love her too and he always reassured that even if something happened to him, he wanted me to be part of her life. He seemed to emotionally mature and I never in a million years, thought that he could a) leave me but b) do it in such a way that was so unexpected, it literally has created panic attacks and shock in me, in a way I can't describe. We had an appointment the day he left, to go and view things that he had booked in and we were planning in the morning to get ready to go and he flipped out over nothing and I said calm down, I'll go for a walk for 5 minutes. (I assumed he was stressed at going back to work etc). he text me while I was walking to say the key was under the mat and that he couldn't do it. I asked him to please come back and talk and that we could get through anything together if we talked and not to sabotage things. He said it had made him realise he couldn't live with anyone and that he was glad it had happened and just put sorry.
No consideration for the hurt he would be putting me through or for the plans we had. We were even trying for a baby of our own because he had said he wanted a family with me and that it was crazy that no one had ever made me a mum.
He was even talking the night before about me and his daughter doing some baking and I was going to take her back to her mums while he was at work. He seemed really happy in the house and even referred to it as a bubble and that he didn't want to go back to work because he couldn't be there to keep doing the routine he had created there (his work is a bit of a distance so he would only be coming on a weekend). There is so much I could say but, he had a great relationship with my family and we had so many special occassions together and he even said to me recently that he had to be grateful to my ex in a way because otherwise we wouldn't be together. I don't think I took him for granted in any way and if anything, I appreciated him so much, that I always made the effort.
We talked and text all the time, so it's really feeling odd not being able to tell him things - he was so interested in my work, my family, my friends - everything.
I didn't reply to his text, because I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what there was to say and felt that I had to have a bit of self respect, with him doing it in such a reckless way and that it was obvious from my previous messages that I wanted to talk and wanted to be with him. He knows that I will be struggling to sleep and eat as he knows how I am, so I find it so utterly cold. I literally feel like they have both died because I walk around the house and there are reminders of them both everywhere. I can't seem to snap out of it but am determined not to message him because I think on this occasion he should swallow his pride and apologise or at least do the decent thing and explain what the hell happened. He said he couldn't deal with small things as they annoyed him too much - but I have no idea what these small things are and how they could be worth throwing away all of the amazing big things we had together.
Feel like I'm going slightly mad to be honest - cannot concentrate, cannot breathe properly half the time and can't stop the constant churning. I haven't been able to open any whatsapp or social media for days and I know he will have seen I haven't been online but I just can't face seeing any profile changes or anything else.
His daughter was also sending things to our group whatsapp and I was politely replying but then I felt like it wasn't fair for him to just be off the hook and me acting like nothing had happened when I had heard nothing from him and he wasn't responding on the group.
I don't really know what I expect anyone to say but it's slightly therapeutic just being able to type this.
Broken hearted doesn't even come close - although I never thought anyone could do something as bad to me as my ex, this feels so much worse, as there is no preparation and I can't at the moment look back and see any bad in him.
Any thoughts appreciated and if not, thanks for listening.

How are you doing today OP?

Thinking of you, OP. Hope you felt a little stronger today- make up or not!

I am not doing too great to be honest - I am hurting like hell and I am still so confused and I am so frustrated with myself.

I know if I was listening to myself through the voice of my friends, I'd be giving all the same advice and I know through conversations I had with him I said I would never put up with another bad relationships but, because I was so happy in the relationship when we were all together, I am finding it hard to find that anger.

I have been up and put make up on and been out walking and pathetically I know some of it was to ensure I looked good in case I bumped into them by any chance.

And another pathetic thing - I felt like everywhere I looked, there was a sign/reminder of them.

I am trying to read books about changing mindset and finding your own believe in yourself but there is a part of me thinking has he just had a breakdown or been badly affected by lockdown and should I not give up on him....even though I know you are all going to say but he's given up on me.

It's just the pain - i guess this will subside but I feel like I'm never going to be okay with this happening and with the loss of his daughter too.

I frustrate myself writing this because it's 2 weeks ago that he left and in some ways I never thought I'd get here but in another I am still no furhter on. In fact I'm probably behind in a way because I am hiding away.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wish I could say something more positive!

It completely understandable and you’re doing so much better than you think! You are being honest with your feelings and motivations. It’s hard to be totally blindsided like you have. You let this guy into your world and he just creates pain.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. What happened to you is painful and it’ll take some time, but I promise you will get through it.

At some point you will start to feel angry that he treated you in this horrible manner. You won’t feel as sad. I’m not saying anger is great, but you’ll be able to see even more clearly what an asshat this guy is.

You have been keeping it together and trying and that is a huge positive!

I was dumped before in a spectacular fashion. I was so depressed the whole thing. The guy who dumped me once bought be a beautiful vase. It would pain me to see it so I hid it away. I never ever thought the pain would go away. Now I can look over at that very same vase and He doesn’t even enter my mind. It’s a nice vase lol (other stuff I had to throw out ... I was like a crazy lady after being dumped)

Anyways, I’m telling you what he did to you is so abusive and ridiculous. It is going to take some time, but you’re doing so much better than most!!!!

Thanks for thinking so but I’m really not.
I’ve really let myself down and I am ashamed of myself.

The feeling of shame that I had when mine left was awful. I was ashamed all the time when people came up to me to ask how he was and what we were up to. The crippling shame I felt when telling them he had left me was awful. Its a feeling that is so wrong as it is him who needs to feel shame. But it doesn't stop your feelings of it. This feeling nearly destroyed me and I stopped going out so I wouldn't have to explain myself. Even a year later when I got a lovely card from an old friend asking after myself and my partner came through I still felt shame explaining he had left, then you get the pity party from them which was worse. So, by all means feel shame if you want but stop it when you have had enough of beating yourself up over this persons actions. He is the shameful one, not you. Feel your feelings but don't sit there in the muddy pond of shame and get out when you have processed it. Anger is around the corner. Get your pillows and baseball bat ready to hit the soft furnishings.

People say it gets better with time. Hasn't been the same with me. Constant pain for well over a year now. I mean sure it could get better after 2-3, or 5 years but that is still a lot of life to lose out on.

@BigBoosh, I hear you. It took 3 years for me but I tried my best to go out and have fun despite the pain. I never wanted the ex to scupper any more of my time grieving for him. They have no idea the damage they cause x

It’s so hard to accept that someone has so much control of your life - as in yes I can go out and get on but in reality right now, I feel like I could win the lottery, land my dream job etc etc and I would still feel shit cos the person I’d want to share that with has essentially died.

And I know, from lots of reading, that I need to get more comfortable with myself so that I don’t rely on anyone else for happiness but at the end of the day, humans are set up to have companionship so I find it hard to just feel satisfied in turning myself into this super woman who doesn’t need love.

And I know that’s not really what anyone’s saying but I’m sick of reading stuff about empaths and whatever.

Saying that I am sure Time is going to be the thing to heal this (unless he has a complete transformation and comes to his senses and this was some horrible break down) but yes I know I have to get on but the nights are just unbearable and the days aren’t much better.

I know it sounds niaive but I don’t think he’s a true narcissist- I think he has traits but I think he has emotional problems and I believe that he could get help for it....but I know I can’t really say that to him right now and it has to come from him.

Sorry to sound so negative - I really am!

@newtothis5643, he will come back but I don't think that you should ever get back with this man again. Plan your future without this man. You do not need this man in your life. Someone who pack up and walk out of your life without telling you what you did wrong or he did wrong does not deserve your time.

No one in this life is worth making you feel so bad about yourself. I learnt important lessons just before Lockdown - some relationships/friendships are just one way - the moment you stop doing certain things, that relationships ends. In reality the relationship has not ended, it was one sided.

Be gentle with yourself, take away everything that reminds you of him and get rid of them. Write down all the red flags about this man. From your post, I see quite a lot. You wanted things to work more than him but it take two to tangle. You have done the right thing by not contacting him. Try to meditate. Google Osho.

sorry op. i think its still early days and there may be more hard or easy days ahead.
putting so much into a relationship is very risky.
i think he is damaged somehow.
keep your social circle around. and i agree with a pp that therapy could help you. its too intense and difficult.

This might be a bad ideas but....

Would it help to join a OLD site? Maybe the one he's on...? Perhaps just to chat to a few guys. It might restore your confidence.

You will all be really disappointed in me and I almost wasn’t going to write this but you’ve all been so lovely and supportive I felt I should be honest.....I made contact with him this weekend. I decided that I couldn’t live with myself if he was having some kind of breakdown and this was almost a cry for help or something he would think I turned my back on him.
I went to see him, I was not a blubbering mess, I was actually (I don’t know how), extremely calm and nice and smiled and joked a lot (seriously don’t know how I hid what I have been going through for weeks).

He looked shocked to see me at first and didn’t want to talk but he sort of eased a bit but I could tell he didn’t want me there. I said I assumed he hadn’t actually dumped me via text and he said he’s too weird etc and doesn’t know what to do.
His daughter came in and was hugging me, which was heartbreaking.

Anyway, he said he’d contact me, which he did last night - he said he didn’t want to waste my time - I sent a message back - very honestly asked some questions - I was nice but justified in what I was saying. The conversation went a bit back and forth but he had absolutely no regard for what I was saying and actually got very nasty towards the end - told me not to turn up and look desperate - which was very unfair as I told him I was concerned (again justified after him feeling like he was dying through his panic attacks and him going through grief etc). He ended it really nasty as if I should have got the hint when he didn’t message me and so he was going to make it clear and he then blacked and deleted me and my family off all social media. I mean how childish. I told him I wasn’t begging and that if I had just overnight turned my back on him and his daughter like that, after everything we had been through, that I would expect him to check I was okay and to have the same concerns/questions. He put the relationship down completely and made out it was a casual thing, which is absolutely wasn’t.

Anyway, the big lesson here, is that I should have listened to you all more and messaged on here when I got the urge but then in another way, if it had been the case that he was depressed and didn’t feel he could reach out after leaving that way (because he is incredibly stubborn) then I wouldn’t have forgiven myself, so as hurtful and new the shock has been, I can at least know that I didn’t ever let them down like he has me.

I am sorry to all of you who have supported me over the last few weeks for not listening - I should have done and not been so impulsive!

It was an awful experience because the shock it’s caused had hit me in a different way, I was breathless because it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger - it wasn’t like he was talking to me at all and I’ve never ever seen that side to him and it’s sort of stunned my entire body so that I feel nothing but adrenaline! I had had a cry about his daughter when I left the house and I naively thought that he would perhaps contact me to either meet to discuss things in a nice way so that there was no bad feelings or to maybe try again but in a relaxed and fresh start type thing.

He did neither and I have been burnt some more and the healing is going to have to restart in a different type of way now.

I’m sad about our future - that I thought was real. I’m sad that it absolutely feels like lies now and I’m sad that any glimmer of hope I thought there was is gone: Pathetic again, I know.

I understand if no one wants to message me again after being so weak but I thought I’d own up to the last few days and thank you all for being stronger and wiser than me! X

Oh OP that must be very difficult. I’m sorry he behaved so badly. You don’t deserve that

What an absolute piece of shit your ex is, OP. He does not deserve a single tear or minute of your thoughts and it is unforgivable that he used and then discarded you like that. I've just read your whole thread and I was thinking all the way through that you would definitely try and get in contact with him anyway so was not surprised by your last post, though sad for you that he was so cruel and casual.
I agree with lots of others who posted on this thread previously; the person you thought you were in a relationship with and are grieving for doesn't exist. It suited him to play Mr Family nice guy for a period of time and now that it doesn't suit him any more he drops it. This man will never care about anyone but himself and you are well rid of him. Don't feel ashamed, it's him that should feel ashamed but people like that never do.
Look after yourself OP xx

To be honest op I think I would have done the same as you in those circumstances. At least you know now once and for all that he is not the person you thought he was.

I think you will have speeded up the healing process because you have removed that element of uncertainty. Give yourself a bit longer, you will get there! And be grateful that you found out about him when you did, and not further down the line.

You did the absolutely right thing for you. You needed to see, hear and feel his nastiness directly because he was so manipulative he hadn’t shown it before and you were left wondering.

It’s another kick in the teeth but I believe that you will start to process the grief of this faster now.

Be proud the you continued to behave with dignity and compassion to him and his DD.

You held it together emotionally - you behaved like a caring functioning adult - he didn’t.

You did well. You did your best. Sorry that he is so gross and disordered.

Please don’t engage further though - he may well come back to torment, humiliate and punish you more. Don’t give him the opportunity. Glad that he has blocked and deleted you - you need to do the same. He is nasty and twisted.

What a complete and utter cunt. Don't feel ashamed OP if anything at least you have some sort of closure now, you won't spend the next few years wondering if he had a breakdown - he's just a cold, unfeeling bastard. Imagine if it was the other way around? If your contact with him just dropped off the face of the earth for a reason beyond your control? If you thought he was assuming the wrong thing and feeling abandoned you would do everything in your power to try and fix it, that's not being a mug it's just being a decent human being and treating someone with the integrity you would expect for yourself. Decent human beings don't go around trashing other peoples lives.

Also don't beat yourself up so much for missing him or for the feelings of loneliness or longing as there is nothing wrong with that. I myself came out of a relationship in February and although it was me who ended it, it was the last thing I wanted to do and my hand was forced. I consider myself to be an extremely self sufficient person. I definitely don't need to be in a relationship, I just happened to want a certain person who I thought would fit a rare mould and let me tell you... for the first month I cried every hour of the day. In bed, in the shower, cooking dinner, washing up, in the toilets at work you name it. Because no matter how many people are around you, how many friends you have, you just want that person who provided the contentment only a partner can. That doesn't make you needy, just a woman in love! I even started googling how to get over it (pure desperation I've been through it twice before I know there isn't a magic wand!) I am 4 months into my own unchosen "new life" now. I won't pretend I'm right as rain because I'm not. He's still the only person I want to tell when something happens, I am still sad that he just couldn't love me, there is still an undercurrent of emptiness that is always in the background. BUT every now and then I get a burst of "feel good", I'll genuinely laugh my head off when I see something funny (highly recommend After Life!), I'll look forward to whatever dinner I've got planned, I'll start planning a little break somewhere, or treat myself to a new dress, sometimes I'm just in a really good mood for a while. The fiestiness is coming back! I'm not trying to make it all about me here OP, I'm just promising you that like me, like the amazing Rain Runner on the other thread, like so many others all around the world... it will not rain forever x

Hopefully this will provide the closure you need OP. You were harbouring an optimism that this was all a mistake - a breakdown on his part but now you know your version of the relationship isn't his. Use that adrenalin to get angry and fight to get YOU back.He's not worth another thought.

*He's NOT worth another thought!

Thank you - I appreciate all your comments.
I feel like a zombie today, I don't know how I'm functioning - I feel like I have no emotions.
It's weird - I know this is a bit of over analysing but I sort of need to get my head round it - I started reading our messages from when we were first dating - I was quite cautious because I was out of a bad experience.

Anyway - I will start to try to heal in some way but fear it's going to feel worst before it gets better.

Thanks for all sharing your experiences - it gives me hope.
I just wish I could turn my brain off on what the fairytale i thought I was in.....the support on here has been amazing. Never would have thought that complete strangers could care so much - there are good people out there x

you were right to be worried about him and called him, but for me it would be his last chance.
he doesnt look normal, something going on with him and he is hurting you along.
there is nothing you did wrong but he is impossible.
i am sorry for his dd. he will behave the same way to her or to anyone in the future. i wonder how he was with his exes or friends.
i am sure there is someone who deserves you, you seem such a nice person.

I have been through a similar experience. He did say at the start of the relationship that he was complicated and used the onion layers analogy but I didn't heed that warning because all his actions seemed to contradict that. He seemed sweet and kind.

Until he wasn't.

And abruptly ended things. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

For months after he kept calling and being sweet again, waffling about wanting to start up again. But not really.

Pure torture.

I finally got sharp with him and hung up on him. And changed my phone number.

Block him and his child and take some time to heal.

He's a dick.

He was using you for money and a place to stay. Send him a bill for bed and board. Tell everyone he knows what he's like and what he treated you like. He thinks he's gotten away with it by blocking you. Go out get really drunk and have fun. Now you can date again or just have fun. Get a new haircut and don't let him make you miserable for years. He was a conman not a long lost lover. He sounds like a sociopath.

Well done OP, that was a difficult call for you to make and you did it because that's what was needed for you. The fairytale has well and truly gone now so you may actually start to heal quicker as there is no going back. He truly is a snake in the grass.