Struggling

[Newtothis5643]

Hi, I'm new to this site and only came across it as a friend of mine sent me to a link that I read and it has taken me a bit of time but I have decided to pick up the courage to create a new thread and get a few opinions, as you seem like a nice supportive bunch.
Just over a week ago, my partner of nearly 2 years, who I felt completely secure and in love with, literally packed his bags and his daughters and put a key under the door and left me.
The thing I am really struggling with, is that we hadn't lived together but he was going through a bereavement and was struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and asked that we go into lockdown together in my house (which I also hadn't been living in may I add, as I was staying with parents). We got there and quickly started making it lovely - he was really committed to making it a lovely home, he was actively doing things in the garden, making suggestions to make it a nicer home. We were going round stores together to buy things for the house and he suggested buying a photo frame and getting some pics up of the 3 of us. He was listing all of the things that he was going to do and going to help me with. He would message me when we weren't together to check that I had done things - he encouraged me to get people round to decorate and do works on the house - we bought tools for him to do the works better - all sorts. We were very active sexually, so didn't see any problems there. When we had his daughter, I had a great relationship with her - I went out of my way to buy things in that they both individually liked. I put them first and listened to a lot of his emotional childhood issues - but we had deep conversations about things and he knew what was right or wrong. He had also helped me at the beginning of our relationship, with an abusive ex who had really torn me apart, where I had been cheated on, had to cancel my wedding, had to buy him out of a house and all sorts of trauma - he would comment often about how awful that was and so I felt reassured that he knew I had been through hell and was finally in a loving and supportive relationship. He also talked about having to be careful with having a child and he hadn't introduced her to anyone before and we had a great relationship - he even said he noticed how much more grown up she would be with me etc. We had also had conversations, where he knew that my concern was that I was building a relationship with the two of them and that God forbid anything did go wrong, that I would love her too and he always reassured that even if something happened to him, he wanted me to be part of her life. He seemed to emotionally mature and I never in a million years, thought that he could a) leave me but b) do it in such a way that was so unexpected, it literally has created panic attacks and shock in me, in a way I can't describe. We had an appointment the day he left, to go and view things that he had booked in and we were planning in the morning to get ready to go and he flipped out over nothing and I said calm down, I'll go for a walk for 5 minutes. (I assumed he was stressed at going back to work etc). he text me while I was walking to say the key was under the mat and that he couldn't do it. I asked him to please come back and talk and that we could get through anything together if we talked and not to sabotage things. He said it had made him realise he couldn't live with anyone and that he was glad it had happened and just put sorry.
No consideration for the hurt he would be putting me through or for the plans we had. We were even trying for a baby of our own because he had said he wanted a family with me and that it was crazy that no one had ever made me a mum.
He was even talking the night before about me and his daughter doing some baking and I was going to take her back to her mums while he was at work. He seemed really happy in the house and even referred to it as a bubble and that he didn't want to go back to work because he couldn't be there to keep doing the routine he had created there (his work is a bit of a distance so he would only be coming on a weekend). There is so much I could say but, he had a great relationship with my family and we had so many special occassions together and he even said to me recently that he had to be grateful to my ex in a way because otherwise we wouldn't be together. I don't think I took him for granted in any way and if anything, I appreciated him so much, that I always made the effort.
We talked and text all the time, so it's really feeling odd not being able to tell him things - he was so interested in my work, my family, my friends - everything.
I didn't reply to his text, because I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what there was to say and felt that I had to have a bit of self respect, with him doing it in such a reckless way and that it was obvious from my previous messages that I wanted to talk and wanted to be with him. He knows that I will be struggling to sleep and eat as he knows how I am, so I find it so utterly cold. I literally feel like they have both died because I walk around the house and there are reminders of them both everywhere. I can't seem to snap out of it but am determined not to message him because I think on this occasion he should swallow his pride and apologise or at least do the decent thing and explain what the hell happened. He said he couldn't deal with small things as they annoyed him too much - but I have no idea what these small things are and how they could be worth throwing away all of the amazing big things we had together.
Feel like I'm going slightly mad to be honest - cannot concentrate, cannot breathe properly half the time and can't stop the constant churning. I haven't been able to open any whatsapp or social media for days and I know he will have seen I haven't been online but I just can't face seeing any profile changes or anything else.
His daughter was also sending things to our group whatsapp and I was politely replying but then I felt like it wasn't fair for him to just be off the hook and me acting like nothing had happened when I had heard nothing from him and he wasn't responding on the group.
I don't really know what I expect anyone to say but it's slightly therapeutic just being able to type this.
Broken hearted doesn't even come close - although I never thought anyone could do something as bad to me as my ex, this feels so much worse, as there is no preparation and I can't at the moment look back and see any bad in him.
Any thoughts appreciated and if not, thanks for listening.

Hes on a dating app already? Let that show you how screwed up he is right now. He is running from something that he will never get away from. I know how you feel after finding that out. I hope the anger stage kicks in soon....I loved that bit.....I was as mad as hell....I was a banshee...it pushed me forward to move on without him. Keep going OP.

Yeah I know, how mad that he’s on that and I’m struggling to get out of bed this morning.
I’m so tired, feel like a zombie and everytime I think I might get angry, I just feel so hurt!!

Honestly read your post and it’s so similar, we had this history over decades too and that was on of the things we always said was so amazing that we had that. It’s just madness.
He also talked about all the awful girls he’d been out with and so I think why the hell when ive been so good to you, have you been such a bastard!
I made such a fuss for his 40th, planned so many surprises and took him away - he loved it & said he’d have done nothing if it wasn’t for me. Just last week he said can you believe it’s 7 months since then and we were saying it’s closer to the next one. It’s just weird that he didn’t seem to take it all for granted but it obviously meant absolutely nothing!
Why would he suggest me putting pictures up in my house and move things around to make the look better.

I bet he’s angry with me cos I think he would have thought I’d have text him back as I’m always the fixer but on this occasion, I just can’t because what the hell would that say about me!!!

Can I just say that this man sounds utterly spineless...deleting HIMSELF from the whatsapp group heKNOWS you share with his child, leaving her to message you, even if temporarily, with her unaware that things had ended? I am so sorry OP and you will feel better, it WILL take time, but this man was FAKING empathy and is not man enough to be honest with his own child, knowing that child is undoubtedly now attached to you. He is not Mr Caring.. he is Mr Selfabsorbed.

Op I"m really sorry, as this will all be too soon for you to accept, but you are being far too generous to him. Being on a dating app so soon doesn't sound like panic or some serious mid-life crisis or anxiety to me, it sounds like he is a player.

He has always had this thing where he has an almost self sabotage where he believes he’s not allowed to be happy and that he has to punish himself. But this is another level

^I think he controls and punishes others, not himself!

"...when I think back he has done a few things where he has sabotaged and not spoken to me for days - and it’s been horrible - but it’s never been like this where he’s actually sent a message ending it or coming out of the group or dating site."

^Bingo! He is a controlling person and this is how he gets his kicks. Love-bombing - having his child well looked after under lockdown and a lovely 40th birthday celebration prepared for him - then discarding. He's despicable!

Block him totally, erase him from your life, he has used you and your kindness and generosity of spirit. No decent man would use his daughter like this, or treat a woman so badly. You are well shot of him.

Do not try to contact him. Can you move back in with your parents (safely)? Take the time to rest and recuperate from this shock and build yourself back up. Do not waste your energy on this hideous person.

I don't suppose he's left behind an expensive wine collection you could deliver to your neighbours' doorsteps like Lady Sarah Graham-Moon? (Sorry I know this is no joke but I think you need to stop looking for non existent deficits in yourself and direct your anger at the person who has carried out this awful betrayal.)

Something similar happened to a family friend. The man in question had cheated on his first wife (often) He bitterly regretted his mistake but she moved on and he couldn't win her back. And from there on in, he had countless relationships with women similar to his wife, who he then "punished" by splitting up with them once they thought they were settled together. It gave him a sort of validation of his own attractiveness and virility I suppose that he could "win" them , followed by a sense of revenge and control when he abandoned them. It was a pattern that went on for two decades. Really deeply unpleasant. He could (superficially) appear to be an intelligent, attractive person but he was very destructive when it came to relationships.

The circumstances you are in may not be the same of course, but this particular man made a habit of making plans (future faking) with his girlfriends and then abandoning them overnight.

Take care op. Be strong

thank you @Fizzysours and @Studycast
I read your messages and for a second it makes sense and then my brain flashes up something he's said or done and I think no.
But perhaps I only got to know the part he wanted me to see.
I just don't get, like you say, why he would involve his daughter like that as she will no doubt feel the loss too.
He wasn't doing much with himself before me, I really opened his eyes up to so much stuff, so i don't know why he would want to lose that or think the grass is greener.

I maybe am finding it hard because I keep thinking he is suffering too because he recently lost his gran and was having panic attacks - but perhaps I am just being far too niaive in the matter and he actually just saw me as someone who would make him feel better, spoil him and massage his ego.

I just can't believe someone who a couple of days earlier was messaging me about watering the plants and powerwashing the garden, would do this....I guess I will never understand it and need to find a way to clear the pain of it, and my brain, so that I can concentrate on something else.

Thanks for all taking the time to write it really means a lot.

Sad that there are so many people out there, who can so easily destroy another person.

He watched coronation street and thought that the storyline of the abusive husband was vile and couldn't believe stuff like that really went on and then does this, which is not far off when I think about it.

It feels like someone you love has died and been replaced with a pure evil twin doesn't it. I really know how you are feeling as will many people on here. You're not boring anyone OP go on as much as you like. Do you have real life support too? X

That's a good analogy AWise but I think it's more like one day you see that he's been replaced by the evil twin, but you don't know when the switch took place, or if it was the evil twin all along.

He's a coward, OP. Keep in mind you are better off without him.

I still miss my XP but he doesn't exist - did he ever exist? I'd have him back in a flash but he doesn't exist. My wonderful boyfriend turned into a monster, or maybe he was a monster all along.

I had to reconcile that I am such a poor judge of character, but he is so popular. He'll probably do what he did to someone else. I'm well rid, but I'll never get over it.

OP. I absolutely feel your pain. My husband left me last year after 14 years. No conversation. No discussion. Just a decision. I absolutely believe that the manner in which a relationship ends will impact on the speed at which you can recover. Your ex was a coward, as was mine. The way he left you was cruel and brutal. You seriously don't need a man who has the ability to do this to you, in your life. This thought will become the predominant part of how you view him as time moves on. Surround yourself by people who love you and you will start to believe in yourself again. Don't let the trauma of this unexpected ending of the relationship ruin your future. Sending

This thought will become the predominant part of how you view him as time moves on

Brilliant comment

Thanks for all the comments - I just feel so gutted! I want to get angry but I’m so sad!
It really is like they’ve both died! I actually feel awful saying this but I think it would be easier if he had died, than having all this constant questioning going on in my head! I can’t make sense of any of it! How can someone who’s supposed to love you, have sex with you the night before, sit and eat breakfast and let me make pancakes for his daughter, discuss the day ahead and the hot tub and then Withington half and hour have packed up and left without a word!!

When you love someone, what can’t you get through! Jesus there are awful things going on, what was so annoying that wasn’t worth fighting for!!

I’ve come to the conclusion something has turned his head - I don’t know when or how but there’s something I can’t put my finger on.

I’m beyond upset and disappointed for the future. After cancelling a wedding because I was cheated on with my previous partner, I can’t believe he wasn’t a bit more sure about me when he was discussing us having a baby and buying our own house! He actually said in his text that he was glad we’d been forced into this because it means we didn’t buy a house together and then have to split. I mean what a horrible thing to say - it’s not like we’ve been arguing at all, so why have you been sitting there pretending everything is fine, delighting candles, eating dinner over a glass of wine. Chatting like we always do. I don’t get which part was so bad that you have to run away without facing me and never speak to me again!
He was even sending me pics a week before while we were in the house making a roast, to say it looks like a show home! What was that all about Cos it made me feel really secure and happy that he liked being there! I’ve not been a nag about anything, I’ve been really appreciative when he’s been doing jobs! I’ve cooked and cleaned and make picnics. I mean what the fuck was so bad about me that you couldn’t even tell me to my face!! And that made you want to cancel all our future together and tear our little trio apart?!?!?

He lives with parents ordinarily so we usually have loads of additional stresses. Why did he call it a bubble that he didn’t want to leave a few weeks earlier. I would give anything just to have a bit of peace on the matter and to just turn back the time to do it all again and not make the mistakes I obviously made!

Sorry op what a heartbreaking story, he is a cruel and cold hearted man.
Don't be surprised he comes back in few weeks when he hasn't found another woman to spoil him, if he does ignore him like he doesn't exist.
However hard it was to discover seeing him happy on SM and on dating apps you now have that closure of what he really was like and not some mental breakdown.

Try not to over analyse what you did wrong, this was not your fault.

Where has he gone? Back to his parents? To his Mum who didn’t know you have split?

Sounds like you’ve been had by a clever covert narcissist or other personality disorder. The term gets thrown around a lot, but this is the exact type of trail of destruction this kind of person will leave in their wake.

First off you must know obviously you can never trust this person again. Of course it was your home he wanted to move him & his daughter in for a nice comfy lockdown life !

All the memories of him being so nice & understanding, supportive of you? That was his persona, an act - he likes his image to be that of a caring person, whatever kindness he is showing is for his own benefit, so he feels nice. It’s a reverse ego stroke. They know all the right words & what to say.

Unless you have been exposed to covert narcissism these nice acts will be overlooked as a selfless, sensitive character.

The comment about how he couldn’t believe how “nobody had made you a mum” - gave me the ick immediately & shuddering at this choice of words. Can you not see how that wording will subtly put you on the back foot? It’s a stinging comment. Anyone else would say “can’t see how you never had kids!” Not this awful trade by no man has ever bestowed a child upon you & here he is with his gold flecked sperm to come & save the day - so he can “make” you into something so important. Again an ego stroke.

For whatever selfish reason he has decided he no longer has use for you & has left. Speaking to his selfishness is apparently no care for the daughter who will be most upset you’re not around anymore. He has used his daughter to get to you & enhance the bond for his own benefit - you’re both props to him. He pretended to care about the affect your daughter bonding with you would have on her, but when it came down to him wanting to essentially ghost you he apparently now has no issue with his daughter’s distress.

You are most definitely better off without this emotional leech in your life. It hurts now because your feelings were genuine & you were lied to in order to believe this was a real relationship based on real feelings.

These people are extremely emotionally immature but are great at bluffing that they think deeply, are sensitive & caring etc. sorry this happened to you, you sound like a nice person who deserves better.

@Gutterton yes he’s gone back to his parents. He probably won’t have told them. When we left for lockdown he said he was going for a week because he is never just straight with them. Supposedly because of all the guilt he feels about abandoning them and depriving them of seeing his daughter who they are used to seeing every week.

@vikingwife thank you for all of your comments. I’m in a weird place with it - I have read and re-read your words and in one part of my brain I’m thinking yes you are absolutely right.
But then I have this other niggling part saying, but my ex was a narcissist and we talked about him being like that, so how have I not see this before now?

Plus he was talking about my dads 80th next year and booking holidays in September if things get better and all sorts of stuff. Even stuff about the week ahead, nevermind the year - so I think, did he really mean to do this or has he just flipped in the heat of the moment and then because I haven’t answered him, he’s doing things to provoke me and hurt me to get a response?!

He is extremely stubborn, I know this about him and I know he has this thing about not replying so I am sort of wishing I’d replied and then at least the communication would be open with him. But then I also know that’s highly pathetic of me and that if he really loved me, that by now he would have found a way to contact me or see how I am.

I mean I just find it weird the guilt he has for his entire family and not wanting to let them down but he seemingly is angry at me for something I have no idea about. Or maybe it’s easy to be angry with me when you want to justify treating me so badly!

He has had a lot of bad treatment to him by his parents growing up and as an adult and also be ex girlfriends - he’s talked about it to me a lot and we have analysed the situation and the fact he’s not like that and that he almost has some sort of Stockholm syndrome to stay there knowing how he’s been treated. He has low self esteem usually and so it’s like in the last few weeks, he’s suddenly found this new way, started exercising again. Saying how great he looks and has gone.

Writing this I realise how pathetic I sound but even so, I am angry and upset that I have not stopped churning for 10 days now, my heart hurts every time I wake up in the night. I can’t sleep properly and I know if I was talking about this story to him about one of my friends, we’d be saying how awful it is!

I also think I want him to come and tell me how much he regrets his decision and to see me with my weight loss etc!!! But I don’t suppose someone that stubborn will ever come back and say they were wrong.

I just don’t get the little details of power washing my back garden and putting a new lock on. Cleaning the back ally and bothering about the bins and silly things like that. But maybe I’m being silly and it was part of the act. I just think it’s cruel to put an act on for so long when I don’t have time to be wasting.

And I’m so embarrassed too - i think I’ve had so many failed relationships and finally I felt so proud of this one. I honestly really felt that I would never be going through anything like this again!! I’ve cherished it and now the thought of telling people what’s happened just makes me feel so so awful! Like it must look like what the hell am I like for all these people to have to leave me rather than work things out with me!

Thanks again for the comments - as much as I sound like a broken record, they are helping and I’m trying to get strong. If there was a magic spell to clear my head and take away that nagging ache in my chest, I would pay good money for it!!

If anyone recommends any good therapists then I think I need one.

You’ve just had the rug pulled out from under you, it’s understandable to need time for your mind to catch up & reconcile what’s happened + the character he has shown himself to be, opposed to who you thought he was.

The reason why I mention covert narcissism is because it presents very differently to our usual notions of a malignant type Narcissists. They will appear in complete contrast to your stereotypical perception of what narcissism is - be incredibly kind, can be subserviant, selfless, appear Like very different to how your other ex did. What kind of narcissist was your other ex? As you were able to identify that case. Maybe talking about your ex & him seemingly being a great sound board made him feel good about himself. It certainly was not about truly listening to you & understanding what you went through. These people love a good d&m - hearing their own wonderful insights, having you listen to them & hearing the sound of their own voice. In reality he has shown his true selfish nature & you are still here concerned about his previous traumas & life issues. I can guarantee he is not sat there worried about you, truly concerned. He may be concerned you are not responding to him which will make him feel unimportant.

There is a great quote from clueless from Paul Rudd -“ if you ever did anything that wasn’t 90% selfish I’d die from shock”

His selfless acts / persona gave him a payoff & made him feel good. Nobody switches night & day like that unless they have serious issues.

I have come to realise covert narcissists are experts at denying their true feelings. Often when they are denying something it’s what they are actually feeling.

Also you need to work on changing your negative dialogue - you say you’ve had all these failed relationships. That is an insecure stance. What is your definition of success ?? Marriage ? Commitment ? You have had lots of experience with relationships. The women in here stuck in bad marriages who have only had this partner their whole adult life - those are the ones feel truly sorry for. To me their lives are more at risk of being seen as a waste of failure - not experiencing your 20s, never lived alone, never had independence. Leaving a situation when you have literally never been alone your whole adult life must be terrifying. Better the devil you know type thing...

You my dear have had life experience, to say your relationships have all been a failure is rather old fashioned type of thinking & you would benefit yourself to challenge this way of thinking.

Cue Destiny’s Child song here !

I have never wondered what was so terrible about someone who had multiple people exit relationships with them. I've always thought they were bloody brave to keep going and (if the relationships ended horribly, like this) that they'd had an unfair amount of bad luck.

You seem to be under the impression this has happened due to you, and it's just not true. He didn't leave because you did or didn't do something, or you would have been discussing it beforehand. He left because he chose to for whatever reason. Why on earth should that reflect on you, apart from that you're strong and capable and able to get through people treating you in bad ways?

You are giving him too much credit - you are desperately trying to minimise and JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) his actions - you are in the shock / denial stage of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).

The final part is to accept and adapt. You will get there in time - but also with support. Take baby steps - make it real - tell a friend.

Divert your physical and emotional energy away from trying to understand him and wish him back to you - to yourself - little hour by hour choices for YOU. What will I do in the next hour to heal me.

He does sound the covert narc - he used your home for lockdown - maybe to piss off his parents, his ex - but don’t waste your finite and precious headspace trying to make sense of senseless - it will drive you insane. The complex weave inside his twisted head is not a place you want to be digging around in.

The constant victim stance of all his important relationships parents all his ex's - doesn’t ring true - he is the common denominator. Why (at 40!!) is choosing to live and go back to the “abusive” parents?

I also think the grandparent bereavement when he is 40 is overblown if this is what he / you is attributing to his “crazy crisis actions” - it would not have been an untimely death.

You need closure op. Get him to meet you and be candid with you as you are at a loss as to why he has done this, then hopefully you can move on. It's the least you deserve.

Men should not be facilitated to just walk away and move on to the next without explanation!

And would it be appropriate for you to just message the daughter to say you are sorry and confused this has happened but you are glad you got to know here etc etc? I imagine she is feeling very confused & anxious.

*You need closure op. Get him to meet you and be candid with you as you are at a loss as to why he has done this, then hopefully you can move on. It's the least you deserve.

Men should not be facilitated to just walk away and move on to the next without explanation!*

Yes she does. But IMHO she is not going to get it from this character. He will harness any opportunity to abuse and hurt her. He has no kind words or actions that will soothe the OP. He has plenty that will cause her more pain.

Find your own closure. Keep out of punching distance. Don’t interact with his child or his mother - this is just fuel, ammunition, risk and will prolong the pain.

Disconnect from him and fill each hour showing yourself kindness, respect, and compassion.

I appreciate your view but sometimes it's the confusion and lack of reasonable explanation - however difficult - that is hard to move on from. OP is writing her own narrative and although that starts out as absolutely unexpected and out of character she then reveals more about him which suggest there were signs, or, at least, some irritations.

For me I'd rather know so it makes sense in my mind and I can rationalise it. The lack of reason is resulting in op blaming herself. Once she knows she can decide if it's reasonable or not and see him for who he really is. My feeling is he was playing a role which he couldn't sustain. Trying to right the wrongs of past relationships perhaps, or making it good for his daughter but op deserves an explanation after such a close and sustained relationship.

@vikingwife - I am not trying to play the victim by being negative and I don't suppose it is better or worse to have had many bad relationships or one long one. I don't think anyone should go through this - what I mean is, that I have not had the marriage or the children, that I have planned and wanted. I have put the love and effort in to these people and thought each time it would be different and I wouldn't go through this again and I would get my happy ending - and when your future is snatched (whether by one or multiple), it is crushing. He always referred to his ex being awful but at least he got a child out of it - I don't have anything that I see as a positive out of any of these. I mourn for this one because I believed it was so different and so meant to be because of previous friendship years before and so many things we seemingly had in common and a sense of serendipity - which he encouraged and agreed with.

But I appreciate all you say and I thank you for taking the time and I know it is giving me food for thought and more to think about.

My previous Narc was very irrational and nasty with me, I was in tears a lot of the time and he was a drunk and actually it was quite awful what happened and I went through a lot of pain but it was easier to come to terms with because he was so bad. This one when we met actually helped me with things that were overhanging with the previous one, like a house etc - he stepped in and stopped him being nasty to me etc, so I felt very secure that he had my back type thing.

@flipperdoda - that's really kind of you to say and thank you very much. I feel far from strong at the moment. I feel I have come to the end of my resilience of being strong but, I will keep going hour by hour.
The nights are horrendous, I can't sleep and the time goes incredibly slowly. I can't believe that he and I were talking about how quickly the time goes, even though he was on furlough and was dreading it at first and all of a sudden, I am feeling like I am in a parallel universe that I can't escape.

@Gutterton - thank you for this, I keep reading what you are saying as it is helping me sort of make a bit of sense. You are right, why would he be, when he could have a lovely life with me. I never stopped him from going back and forth to his parents when he needed to. I never wanted to be that girl who was possessive or put pressure on him, so I always accepted there were times he needed to do stuff for his family - but like you say, in a normal situation you wouldn't be the victim having to do all this stuff. His gran was old and he was very upset and the circumstances were really bad but, he did seem to have good logical explanations for it. The thing that hurts is that he came to me for comfort and he said he was so glad that I had had a relationship with her - it hurts that in a matter of weeks, that seems to mean nothing. But as you say, maybe I am going through a process and need to start accepting that I can't control his decision.

I pray he comes back with apologies and regret and that he isn't a covert narc but, as the days go on, I can't believe that if you love someone so much that you could go 10 days with absolutely no regard to even ask how I am....I certainly couldn't. He talked so much about all the guilt he felt about things and even talked about an incidence where a family member of mine left a party and he said he just wouldn't be able to do that as he would feel too guilty, yet he has totally abandoned me on my own and there have been absolutely no signs of guilt or concern. Very odd to be able to completely turn off all feelings in a few weeks, even if you don't want to be with someone anymore - you still have a certain level of care or respect when nothing really has happened.

@IveGotFrills _ i have considered this but, I think I need to get myself into a better place before I do because I fear that I would just crumble at the moment and that would just completely set me even further back. It's almost like a little part that gets me through each day, is the optimism that he might come to his senses and there might be a reconciliation - pathetic i know - but to go and get a further rejection would absolutely kill me right now. I sort of feel like maybe in time he will consider what he is losing - the more time goes on and the more I read, I guess this is naive and stupid of me - but still it's there.

@Gutterton thank you - I will stick to this for now as I know he won't be in a frame of mind to actually care about helping me get closure, with the way he left like that. When I made a commitment to him and his daughter I made sure I was in it for the long term, as I would have hated to be someone that would hurt a little girl and a lovely man (so I thought) - so yes, he's not had that same consideration for me, despite having told me previously that he did.

I think in time, when I get myself a bit stronger (as I know I will have to at some point), then I may take the time to write something to him but, I don't think the time is now as I don't think I am capable without being an emotional wreck and would probably question if I have said the right things and if I have made the right decision if he does just ignore me.

Thank you all thought for taking the time to message and offer support and solutions, as horrible as I feel, it gives me a little bit of something to read it all. So thank you.