Do I leave now?

[jaffa678]

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

Please don't let your fear of conflct stop you from sending a short sharp text that allows you both to let go and move on.

His reactions are not your responsibility and
he is old enough and ugly enough to do the adult thing and get mental health support. Instead of guilt tripping you.

Think others are right, don't just close the door, slam the bloody door and run from this relationship! He sounds an insidious guilt tripping, jealous, controlling person, you and your Dd deserve much better

I thought I was just paranoid because of my previous relationship and that I was too over aware of red flags.

No, it sounds as though you are still very under-aware of red flags, if you were willing to get into a relationship with a man who said his wife left him because he was emotionally abusive! And I imagine at least some of the current red flags were visible before lockdown.

You don't owe these men a relationship. You don't owe them happiness at the expense of your own. You shouldn't feel sorry for them and you can't fix them. Time to concentrate on you and your dd. Break up by text - don't give him the opportunity to talk you around- you already know you're susceptible to his manipulative sob stories.

I didnt respond to him after his last message, then a few hours later he said this.

I guess I have my answer so I’m going to walk away now.
Enjoyed our time together and it’s sad its ended this way.
Take care of yourself, have an amazing life and make sure you travel lots! Goodbye 👋

That's great if he's going to let it go as calmly as that. Though I'd be slightly wondering if that breezy, friendly goodbye was deliberately designed to make you have second thoughts and think "Oh maybe he's not as controlling as I thought!".

I know I dont really know how to take it. I know I'm being stupid and probably coming across as very frustrating but I'm really regretting letting go of the social life we had together.

When I was with my little girls dad I was very young 18 -28 and i led such an isolated life, with the most recent guy he took me everywhere every weekend, we had weekends away, every weekend we were out in bars, nights out. I've never had so much fun.

But through lockdown I realised its probably the lifestyle I would miss. And the last year my friends and family have seen me as a completely different person theyve said theyve never seen me so happy, now I feel so rubbish.

Oh he'll be in touch again OP, he won't leave it there.

He's hoping you will respond, and when you don't he'll try something else.

@TeaAndHobnob yeah I agree I dont think he will leave it at this.

I can guarantee he will be in touch again.
That text is for you to let your guard down.
Please for the love of God block him.
I speak from experience. Yes it's my experience and not yours BUT it is text book abuse and I can see the pattern. Plus you've already had this with your ex. Don't do it again. You can't afford to use energy on this when looking after your child. And yourself.
Then talk through all the issues this has brought up for you with Womens aid or a good supportive friend.
But I promise you, he has not gone away.

Get rid of him. He did the love bombing for a year, and you loved it. Of course you would it's designed to do that. Now comes the controlling part, but because you a. Don't live together and b. Don't have a child together, his control isn't reeling you in.

Tell him to fuck off.

"That's great if he's going to let it go as calmly as that. Though I'd be slightly wondering if that breezy, friendly goodbye was deliberately designed to make you have second thoughts and think "Oh maybe he's not as controlling as I thought!"."

Ha! I had this exact thing from a guy I dated and realised he was controlling. When I started to withdraw he said "Not sure what's going on with you, I don't know why you don't want to sit with me at lunch [worked in the same building], this isn't really working for me" etc etc - and I said "you're right, it's not working out is it. Thanks for everything and good luck" or whatever. Essentially he ended it and I said "fine". He didn't like that! He was obviously expecting me to say "noooo you're amazing and I need you" - he was hoping his love bombing had worked. When I didn't do that, and didn't want to "get back together", he then started saying I owed it to him to explain. Very boring but I said no thanks and he eventually bored off.

What I am saying is HE KNOWS that this will have an effect on you, that you'll be thinking about all the good times you had (during the period when he was pretending to be a nice person) and will do the text equivalent of driving to the airport and begging him to stay.

Can i suggest something? If you have a notebook (you're a student, you must have) WRITE DOWN a list of times he's made you feel wrong, small, stressed, unhappy, upset and so on. Keep going for as long as it takes. Remember those times, not the socialising. You can socialise with any number of nice people. People who won't be twats

This might go against the grain, but I would actually reply to that.

"Thanks. Wish you all the best."

And then I'd delete/block him on everything. Then there's no room for ambiguity.

I don't think he's taken it as well as he'd like you to think. He's trying to make you question your decision and second guess yourself. I think he's playing games.

And as regards missing the social element rather than the relationship, you can have that again. But I do have to question how healthy even that part of it was if he gets in a huff about you being sociable without him! I think the mask started to slip and it's obvious you're better off without him.

Life is too short not to have fun, Jaffa
Sounds like a plan Witchwife , why not start planning socially distanced nights out/in with your sister, family, & friends in future. Meanwhile call your lovely neighbours, crack open the champagne and post on social media.

That message is fishing. He's hoping and expecting that you will reply with ' I don't want to
break up please forgive me'. You do need to clear things up though. Reply along the lines of 'sorry I didn't get in touch sooner, I was thinking things over. You're right that I have decided to end the relationship, as it's not working for me now. Thanks for the well wishes and I wish the same for you too. All the best' etc

The social life can come back, just not with this loser. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re giving that up. Have you heard of the freedom program? You can do it online. Might help you identify why you end up with these men and help set your boundaries so it doesn’t happen again.

And please don’t worry about the ‘two failed relationships’. Honestly, I’ve had more relationships than hot dinners. Two is nothing.

Don't apologise.
This is not your fault OP. His behaviour is not your responsibility.

I dont want to keep copy and pasting his messages but I know others are so much better at seeing through things as opposed to me whose in the middle of this. But hes just sent this:

Last weekend I was incredibly emotional. Everything seemed to get the better of me. I cried over losing one of my best mates, as raising money for him brought it all back to me. I felt stressed about the uncertainty of my job due to covid-19 and the daunting prospect of living alone, paying a mortgage, bills again etc. id had a row with the Cheshire Council the day earlier about council tax which left me stressed out. I seemed to freak out. All this tension had been building up inside me for a while and all came to a head on Sunday. I feel moody, really down, a bit overwhelmed with things, my positivity seemed to vanish which is very out of character. You know the real me very well and know I’m a positive, likeable loving person but In one day I upset you, my parents and my sister, all the people I love in this world by just not being me, not being nice and by being horrible. I regret it and I didn’t mean for one second the things I said. it hasn’t helped a second argument between us came so quickly after our last one a few weeks ago. But over the course of a year it’s been very rare we fall out. Like I say everything just seemed to get the better of me and I can only apologise. I know I have insecurity issues which stems from my previous relationship which I will continue to work on and improve on and I will beat it. The last week for both of us has been hell on earth because of my actions, the sadness and heartache of this week lead me to have to reach out to you yesterday, and I know it was against your will, but I felt in a dark place, scared and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to message you and end our relationship like that as I still love you of course. Covid 19 has been a bastard to us, In the middle of such a strong, loving, fun relationship we built together. I’ve been desperate to speak to you and tell you all this but feared I’d never, ever get the opportunity. I don’t know what your thought process is, for all I know in your head things ended on Sunday night. If you think we’ve still got a relationship worth saving and you’d like to talk or even message me on here, or to even say...perhaps let’s talk after the weekend for example, then please message me back on here so I know. If I don’t hear from you this evening I’ll then know in your head our relationship is over. I’d miss you as you’re a beautiful person inside and out, and I only hold special, happy memories of our last year together. Please let me know your thoughts as I feel our relationship at the very least deserves a conclusion xxx

Stop readying his texts!!!
Even I got bored half way through.
It's all bullshit.
Honestly OP, it is BULLSHIT
Excuses, absolute bollocks.
Please please please stop reading them
I can't say it anymore.
I wish you well. Look after yourself and your daughter.

If I don’t hear from you this evening I’ll then know in your head our relationship is over

He doesnt get to set time limits on your thinking.

Please let me know your thoughts as I feel our relationship at the very least deserves a conclusion

You already gave one.

I only hold special, happy memories of our last year together

The old rose tinted glasses, maybe he loves your neighbours now as well.

.

I got bored within a sentence OP.

You can distill all that word salad down to - "Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me"

Honestly, he's a nob full of excuses. Bin him off.

Well he really does know how to lay it on thick doesn't he? The only thing not in there (I think) was the kitchen sink!

@jaffa678 WHY are you letting him continue to press your buttons? Where do you think this will go if you let him bamboozle you with emotion-plucking words like these? Seriously?

You do NOT need him for the travel, or the weekends away, or the clubbing or anything else ephemeral you enjoyed with him. You can do this with other people and move on with your life.

Please stop putting yourself in front of the bus and, NO response to him except block and delete everywhere. Hopefully he'll get the message.

I wish you well.

He's desperate for a woman to help him pay his bills in the long term
He's a controlling manipulative see centred wolf in sheep's clothing.

You need a lot more time for yourself and your daughter. Give it a few years of time on your own and let yourself grow in confidence so that you will not feel guilty about having your own voice.

He's trying the poor him, he's so damaged, you should feel sorry for him and take him back thing.

Feeling happier when you aren't seeing him tells you everything you need to know - enjoy being single and your time with your dd. You can build the kind of social life you want yourself, you don't need him.

It really is the “me show” - you’ve spotted all the red flags, telling u to unfollow people on Fb, putting down your neighbors (coz you were having fun with them instead of paying all you attention to him/texting him quickly enough).
It seems to be a definite case of love bombing and now he’s starting to throw tantrums. His dragged out texts are tedious and laced with emotional blackmail. I know you are more vested in this emotionally etc but it is obvious to us what he’s up to and I know you can spot it too so stop doubting yourself. Please look at the freedom program and boundaries.