Do I leave now?

[jaffa678]

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

[lazylinguist]

Oh what a surprise! He is a master manipulator, OP. Do not listen to his bullshit. I doubt he's 'in a dark place ' at all. He's just sitting there typing what he knows will push your buttons and make you give in and stay with him.

He's even given you a deadline to push you into thinking it's your last chance. Classic technique to make you panic at what you might be missing and give in. Don't fall for it!

[TwentyViginti]

What I got from that last text from him;

Me me me, whine, me me me, poor me, me me me, whine.

Emotional diarrhoea to get you back in line via pity.

[AIMD]

Oh god. Block him. You’ve told it’s over and he’s already failing to respect that, don’t let him
Drag you into a conversation about it

[WitchWife]

OK forgive me I actually found this bit quite funny:


"My positivity seemed to vanish which is very out of character. You know the real me very well and know I’m a positive, likeable loving person but In one day I upset you, my parents and my sister, all the people I love in this world by just not being me, not being nice and by being horrible. I regret it and I didn’t mean for one second the things I said. it hasn’t helped a second argument between us came so quickly after our last one a few weeks ago."

A very simple translation for all of that "OH FUCK I let my mask slip and you saw the nasty bastard I am, and to cap it off that's twice I've shown you the truth now. Whoops."

NO ONE nice on god's green earth describes themselves as "I’m a positive, likeable loving person". It's such a blatantly obvious attempt to persuade you that it's true (when it isn't) it's actually humorous.

OP you're not mentioning much about how you feel. Is there a reason you won't just tell him it's over and block him? Perhaps just see if you can be honest with yourself about why, and try to think your way past it? x

[usersouthcoast]

No no no, god no.

Block and move on. He's a manipulative loser.

[LJenn]

100% what @TeaAndHobnob said... it's basically me, myself and I 💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️ he'll probably get nasty next when you don't respond, then another apology.

[jaffa678]

@WitchWife Being really honest with myself for a long time I have craved for nights on my own. My little girl stays with her dad 2 nights a week and I've always spent those nights with him and never truly had any time on my own. So since lockdown I have had these nights on my own and I've absolutely loved it.

In my whole adult life 18-30 I've never had time on my own (I was single for 5months after 10yr relationship) but as I moved back with my mum and dad I never was truly alone. And being alone has always scared me (not because I cant do it because I've never experienced it) but this is the first time I have been alone and I really enjoy it. BUT I think the thought of permanently being alone does bother me a little.

The last few times I have seen him (even though it's only been for a few hours) I've dreaded it all day (and every time I have thought what is wrong with me hes a really good guy) and I know this sounds bizarre but for the first hour or so I dont enjoy his company it's all me, me me and he talks over me constantly. But then I really warm to him and feel really good when I'm with him, but then when I come home and shut the door I also feel glad to be back to my own space on my own.

When my weeks have been stressful with juggling everything, it's got to a friday night and I've always been so excited to get all dressed up ready for a night out with him and I've felt like hes been my little escape and hes idolised me. BUT lockdown has made me realise I was perhaps in love with the lifestyle and not the person.

But other than that, I dont think theres any feelings there any more, everytime hes done something I've lost a little more respect

[jaffa678]

Last message off him does scream emotional blackmail now you've all helped point it out"

And one other thing. It’s extremely rare to find that special bond with someone. Some people search for it their whole lives. But I found it with you. I just wanted you to know that xxx

[TwentyViginti]

He's still talking over you. Best end it now, fully, tell him not to contact you at all (via text in case he gets nasty, as these types often do, and you need proof you've told him no more contact) and do not respond to further texts.

[TwentyViginti]

No woman I know wants to bond with someone who calls women slags.

[jaffa678]

@WitchWife I just worry that it was him that made me change and become a really happy person once I left the last relationship. I feel like he gave me confidence and my self-esteem was the highest it's ever been. But as lots of MNs have said he must have been love bombing me and it has give me such a high. I think I worry that I am not going to get that high from being on my own.

[bloodyc]

I have a different view but i have no experience of controlling men. You do seem to be stringing him a long a bit. You've said you want some time to yourself but that's it. You have left the door open for all his waffle. Can you not send a final reply and say something like 'We have had some lovely times together, however I no longer want to be in a relationship with you. I wish you all the best with everything.' That's totally clear and much easier to close down anything he comes back with. You need to be more certain in what your saying to him then he wont have room to waffle. Good luck.

[littlebirdieblue]

I agree he is trying to emotionally manipulate you, and you should definitely bin him off. But why haven't you shut this down yet? You have told him you need space, but you haven't spelled out that you don't want to be with in a relationship with him any longer, you're leaving him hanging. Just tell him your done and block him

[TwentyViginti]

OP has stated she's scared of missing the high of nights out with him.

[jaffa678]

I guess I'm just scared to, I dont know why

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Anyway there is no reason why you can't build that lifestyle up without him! I love love love going out and after lockdown am putting some serious effort to getting my social life back on track.

Some of my best times were with the girls at some very smart bar/restaurant in Chelsea/the west end/south ken/Notting hill drinking the second cheapest bottle of wine and ordering bar snacks instead of food 😁.

You don't need him to have a life. He will pull the rug from under your feet before you know what's happened and then you will be going nowhere.

Ghost him now. Sort out your social circle and get back out there. Have fun. Why not?

[littlebirdieblue]

You're scared to because you're not sure you really want to, I've been here, but honestly you're holding on because you enjoyed the lifestyle with him, but that's no basis for a truly fulling relationship. Letting go of him doesn't mean your life will take a downward spiral, holding on to him is already doing that. Let go, you're life will be your own and if you want to meet someone else eventually, you will. Life is too short to hang on to people who are not right for you.

[jaffa678]

@Vodkacranberryplease I love your attitude! I am defintley going to get back out there and have fun! Hope you manage to have lots of fun and social events once lockdown is over. A lot of my friends are settled or have newborn babies so dont seem to go out much, and the ones who are single moan about being single constantly, so I need to start socialising with more people i think.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Thank you @jaffa678. We had fun! I'm currently alternating weekends with a friend, it's her turn to host. I dread to think how many bottles of vodka we have been through since lockdown 😁

As for him. OMG I'm keeping that message on my
Phone as I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like and it had me almost nodding off in seconds. Ffs. A good friend had an ex like that, a 'poet'. He used to hit her. I'm always very wary of that type it's often a mask.

He's not of Middle Eastern extraction is he? It's not the same guy but I knew another equally possessive but 'sensitive' guy who was too and wondering if it's a thing?

Just ghost him. It's the only way.

[Ladybyrd]

Oh no, no, no. I thought he might have the good grace to leave it a day at least. Just block him. This is just cringeworthy now.

[midsummabreak]

He is backpeddling but as the MN tribe has spoken, once he gets he you back he will eventually tevert to his true ways... But first before he reverts back to his real self, dictating who you can and can't see etc he will get you in deeper, ensure he has you snagged, hook , line, and sinker. He is def clever at laying it on thick and playing Mr nice guy, but it's not sincere. He may even try to propose to you and lure you back to lovebomb and play on your insecurities that life is so much more exciting with him.

[midsummabreak]

*revert

[SummerWhisper]

His anger is dangerous. Lockdown has forced him to reveal who he is, but as you are mostly physically distant from him, you don't feel obliged to be compliant. You have now taken some control of your space and his anger about this is evident. He is trying out 'sweet, sensitive guy' who is hurt, lost and confused and needs you to rescue him (in other words, for you to be compliant). What a shark he is, circling his prey. Has he gone away? No, he's still circling you.

People don't pretend to be nasty, they pretend to be nice. Always be clear about that.

[jaffa678]

@SummerWhisper thank you, yeah I agree with you that lockdown has forced him to reveal his true colours, as were both normally really busy. And its give me lots of time to think. I thought because I have become a little antisocial because of lockdown that was the reason why I didnt want to socialize, but everyone has helped me see there are bigger issues underneath the surface.

I like what you say about people pretending to be nice, that does make sense in lots of ways.

[Cantbelievethiss]

Keep strong op