Do I leave now?

[jaffa678]

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

Prioritize your safety, a text message is perfect, something simple, kind and final. Then block him on everything and make sure all your security is good, locked doors, change locks if has any keys. It can take a year or more for clever abusers to show their true colours, so dont be hard on yourself. But everything you have said are real red flags and it will escalate. Consider it a rebound relationship, appreciate the good times you needed them, and now move on.

[LJenn]

What does the little voice in your head tell you?? Listen to it.. it's there to protect you. Unfollow male celebs on social media?? He sounds like a jealous teenage boyfriend. This is NOT the man you want in your life around your daughter. Controlling twat. It starts with social media, next it will be stop wearing makeup and certain clothes around other men. It's a slippery slope OP

[FloggingMoll]

@WitchWife has it. Just cut it off at the quick now and move on. I'd hate to have someone like him around my daughter.

[BarbedBloom]

Well you can do it once zoom calls are done. I was like this OP, kept attracting abusive people one after another. I had a lightbulb moment when I realised I was never actually into them, I just felt sorry for them. I took some time to be single and had counselling and then went back to online dating.

I found I spotted the potentially abusive ones straight away and binned them. I am now happily married to the loveliest man ever.

[jaffa678]

@WitchWife haha that Chris Hemworth comment made me laugh.

I need to stop biding time and just do it. I told him I want to be on my own and I want a bit of space, which I know seems to be skirting around the issue. Hes just messaged me this :

I understand, hope you’re ok and I’m here if you’d like to talk? I really do appreciate you’re wanting space and I’m trying my absolute best to give this to you, however I’m reaching out to you for my own personal wellbeing. I’m really struggling with this silence and uncertainty, it’s killing me. I’m feeling anxious and to be kept hanging on like this is a living nightmare where I’m now concerned for my own mental health. If you still care about me, even if it’s just a small amount, would you be willing to communicate with me in order to sort things out? or to let me know that if you don’t want to sort things out then I’ll know where I stand? I’d really appreciate it, thanks Xxx

[Ladybyrd]

That message is laced with emotional blackmail - ie the mental health bits.

I would tell him you don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

[LJenn]

Aaaah I was wondering when he was going to start with the emotional blackmail. Wow quicker than I thought.

[Ladybyrd]

If you care about him, even just a little, you'll let him tell you everything is ok and go straight back just how things were before.

The inference is that if you want to break up, that's because you don't care about him, so you can he's just going to pick that thread and try and tie you up in knots with it.

I would just message back and say I want out.

[teabaseddiet]

Ideal time OP - tell him you've had time to think and this just isn't working for you any more.

[WitchWife]

OK just to break that up for you, I've put in italics the bits that are about you, in bold the bits that are about him (conservative estimate).

"I understand, hope you’re ok and I’m here if you’d like to talk? I really do appreciate you’re wanting space and I’m trying my absolute best to give this to you, however I’m reaching out to you for my own personal wellbeing. I’m really struggling with this silence and uncertainty, it’s killing me. I’m feeling anxious and to be kept hanging on like this is a living nightmare where I’m now concerned for my own mental health. If you still care about me, even if it’s just a small amount, would you be willing to communicate with me in order to sort things out? or to let me know that if you don’t want to sort things out then I’ll know where I stand? I’d really appreciate it, thanks Xxx"

He is just trying to guilt trip you (especially the nauseating hollywood "if you cared, even a little" wah wah) but at least he's opened the door to you breaking it off. Easy to reply to that. "Thanks - I don't want to keep you hanging, so I'm afraid I don't think we can be together any longer. It's become clear to me that we just don't get on well enough and we're both better off alone. I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I've made up my mind."

[jaffa678]

@Ladybyrd I didnt read the inference in that message thank you for noticing this I did feel terrible guilt as soon as I read it, which is why I wanted opinions of others.

And I NEED to stop feeling sorry for him and let go of this guilty conscience that because hes had to live with his mum and dad for 2 years after a messy divorce, I shouldn't have to pick up the pieces. I must sound so frustrating but I'm getting there slowly, just need to more direct (which I struggle with massively)

[Jul1911]

Wow, his text is all about him. But he has given you the perfect opportunity to end the relationship. Do so then block. Good luck

[notapizzaeater]

He's asked, so just cut him loose, his MH isn't your issue. It's all him him him

[Ladybyrd]

It's virtually impossible to see it when you're in the middle of it, but when you're looking from the outside, it's glaringly obvious.

I would take this opportunity to get out. I know you've been together a year and probably will feel off doing it by text, but his behaviour, eg about the neighbours etc, is getting a bit batshit. I wouldn't see him.

And I wouldn't be surprised if he turns on you and starts being nasty.

[DaanSaaf]

Remember, you're not responsible for his feelings. 'I'm reaching out to you for my own personal wellbeing' after you asked for space translates as I don't give a fuck how you feel as my feelings are more important. Tell him it's over and go back to your lovely life with your little girl. Good luck.

[Neepers]

You know you want out. He knows you want out. It would actually be quite bad to keep him dangling on any longer. The message WitchWife wrote seems perfect.

[WitchWife]

Well said @DaanSaaf - exactly right

@jaffa678 - you’re not frustrating! Your feelings are totally understandable. Did you have another thread about him? Because on that thread the picture you paint of your lovely life with your kid was just wonderful and you both deserve to have that life, not bend yourselves all out of shape to solve problems that are nothing to do with you.

[Happynow001]

I’m feeling anxious and to be kept hanging on like this is a living nightmare where I’m now concerned for my own mental health.
Hang on in there OP. He's desperately trying go emotionally blackmail you into doing what HE wants. Send him a CLEAR and unambiguous final message that you are ending the relationship.

Make it clear enough that it can be seen from space.

If you still care about me, even if it’s just a small amount, would you be willing to communicate with me in order to sort things out?
I wouldn't. He'll just pull at your heartstrings. And if you rip the plaster off with a brief, clear "thanks but no thanks" final message - and then block him everywhere, you won't need to "communicate" with him and make yourself vulnerable.

Get any emails he sends you redirected into a Junk folder which then gets automatically deleted regularly.

You are almost there.

[Aerial2020]

I think there must be an abusers script out there as they all recite all of that self centred nonsense bullshit he wrote. Sounds exactly the same to what every other abusers uses.
To get you back in, to pull on your empathetic heart. He knows he's losing his grip on you.
When you do follow celebs again , how is he going to know anyway? Please block him on social media. He wont' be able to see any of that.
Block block block
Do not read any more texts. End it.
He will keep texting you.

[Aerial2020]

I wish I had blocked when the police told me to. I thought to myself he can't be that bad, he won't get worse. If I ignore, hell get the message.
They wont. They will see it as a challenge to get you back in line. They will keep going
Your guy may not, your scenario may pan out differently but don't give it the chance.
You owe him NOTHING

[CheshireCats]

Ffs op, just bloody tell him!!!

[AIMD]

He’s given you a good out you just need to type a reply being clear it’s over and send it. There’s no way to make it sound nice and it will be uncomfortable but just focus on how good it will feel once it’s done and in a week or so when it’s all history.

You’re reply could be something along the lines of...
I understand that the silence and not knowing where you stand is difficult for you, so I should be more clear with you. I want to focus my time on being with my daughter (and/or whatever else...), so I no longer want to be in a relationship. I don’t think there is any benefit to us communicating further as I am sure that this is the right decision for me.

It’s more polite, and more info, than he deserves so y out could be a lot more blunt but I feel like you are trying to be nice with it too?

You could then choose to block him straight away or reply “I’m certain on my decision and have nothing else to talk about” to any messages and then only block if he continues to make contact???

[Aerial2020]

Don't be polite. Don't say I know this is difficult for you. Just block.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

His text is all about him, I want, I need etc . Talk about emotional blackmail.
Text back: No I don't want or need to talk about it. After a period of reflection, I think it is best that we both move on separately with our lives. I wish you all the best. But, yes, to be clear, I wish to finish this relationship. I wish you the best, but it's over.

Then send. He will send something or whatever. I'm heartbroken............Just then reply say:

Could you now leave me to have some space. I've made my feelings clearly. It's over and I want to move on. I don't need or want any more communication. Thanks.

Any more messages: I have made my feelings clear. This is not harrassment. Please don't contact me again or I shall go to the police. It's over.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

• Sorry Typo. Any more messages : I have made my feeling clear. This is NOW harrassment. Please don't contact me again or I shall go to the police. It's over.