Do I leave now?

[jaffa678]

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

Oh OP. I could have written your post. Except it took me a lot longer to realise that how I was being treated wasn't OK so went from one bad relationship to another not knowing when to pull the plug

I finally snapped mid 30s and haven't ever tolerated shit since. I was single for a couple of years, and really, genuinely at peace with my life. Whenever a relationship gets challenging i ask myself is it better to be single and remember that time.

Don't ever settle. Spend time being single this time and work on those boundaries. This one sounds like quite the arsehole, sadly. Any one of the things you mentioned would have been a swift dump via text (at best) or just never contacting again (at worse).

Enjoy your time with your DD. And, sadly, be prepared for some drama so takes steps to minimise it. Block etc. He's not a good man and he doesn't deserve your empathy. Keep posting on here if you need the support.

Don't feel bad OP, feel proud, you've spotted his flags. Yes you might wish you'd seen them sooner BUT you have seen them.
As he is abusive I think a single text, This isn't working for me anymore, I no longer want to be in a relationship with you. Then detach. If he harasses you send a cease and desist text saying further communication will be harassment.
Be cold , be tough, and then you are your DD can settle down in your happy place.

Hes not right for you, or your child.... RUN FOR THE HILLS !!!!

OP, I think you got into this relationship too soon after the previous abusive one, and without working on your own issues first.
You say that you give men the benefit of the doubt - it may be that you are the sort of woman who tries to salvage emotionally damaged men, in which case you are at risk of repeated codependent relationships.
You could benefit from counselling, to learn to prioritise your own and your DD’s needs, to stop deferring to men, to have healthy boundaries etc.
The Freedom Program could also be helpful. You are already making some good progress, and the lockdown has helped enormously in giving you a breathing space from this awful man so you can see clearly and take stock.
Please don’t let him reel you back in, whether with tears or threats. Stay strong, and make full use of the police, non molestation orders etc, if necessary. Good luck.

Give him a ring and say 'sorry this isn't working for me, I had a great time last year with you but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment.'
Repeat if he goes on. Hang up and then block. If he harrasses you call the police.

Oops I just read you asked if a text ok after I wrote you should ring.
Yes text absolutely fine, you don't owe him anything. Why do you feel sorry for these men?

Don't don't don't call.
I think you're doing much better than some posters take giving you credit for. You haven't let him stay over, you know what he's doing is wrong (moaning at you for not texting quick enough????)
You're doing ok Op. You've seen the signs and you're doing something about it.
It's ok to get a bit of mumsnet backup.
But please don't call him. He will either talk you down or yell at you.
Even if you put the phone down, you don't need that.
Get rid.

Thank you all for the advice, it really means so much. I took the courage and strength from mumsnet to leave the last relationship and it is the best thing I ever done.

To see the sheer volume of replies with all the same responses helps me to validate things more clearly. I'm just at work and ignored his messages last night, need to end it tonight.

Please stop putting the feelings of abusive men before your own well-being and that of your child. Send a text and don't give a single fuck as to how he feels about it.

Exactly this. And when you do text him, tell him his ex was spot on.

That's a shame after a great year.

He's a wrong un, get rid.

@Gobbycop I know it is a shame, and I've been thinking of all sorts of excuses in my head for his behaviour, i.e. he might of changed because hes not working and worrying about things stuck at home etc.

I also worry that I did have a spring in my step and a love for life again when we got together, so I dont want to loose my sense of happiness for myself. But then I have also been so happy by having time away from him and on my own.

Some abusive men see a happy woman and see her as a challenge to bring her down 'a peg or two'
He knows you're put of his league (a PhD!) And wants to bring you down in line.
This takes time and he has to show you the best bits first otherwsie you wouldn't fall for an abusive prick immediately would you??? He knows that.
He's played the long game and now is testing you and how you will conform thinking he's got you after a year.
And your protective instincts have rightly kicked in.
Now show him

🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 enough time make bunting!!

Be strong for yourself & DD. He is not a good man!

End it by text, do NOT cave in if he comes to the house. Tell him you'll call the police & mean it!! He's not your EX, but even if he behaves in a similar way, you'll get through it and get your life back, if you stay with him he will get more & more controlling

Good luck for later OP, I agree with a PP - you aren't firm and resilient enough at the moment to end it over a call

I think you need to do it over text then you can respond with a statement like "I've made my mind up about this so please respect my decision, I would like a clean break" and then you can rinse and repeat.

And then block if necessary or (fingers crossed you won't need to but just in case you need to involve the police at any point) have a clear record of you saying you do not want contact.

Please give yourself a break from dating for a while - this guy could not have had more red flags and you were still struggling as to whether to end it or not.

Don't leave yourself open for another man like that to swoop in - spend some time on yourself again and build up your resilience before any more dating. I've been there and it's worth waiting for.

I found the shark cage concept really useful to think about when overcoming abuse: http://www.wbsass.com.au/services/shark-cage

And also focus on what you want your daughter to learn about relationships. That being in a loving, equal, fun, affectionate and kind relationship is awesome. But that being single is better than being in a relationship that isn't those things.

Thinking of you, let us know how it goes later especially if he starts messaging with begging and threats of self harm, so we can talk you down if you feel bad

Some great advice here @jaffa678

Try and see the good - you instincts have kicked in and saved you much quicker this time around, hopefully now with some more healing time you will be even stronger x

Theres lots of great advice here, thank you to all of you for being behind me, I feel a lot more confident and happy about my decision now. It's just timing when to message him.

@jaffa678 - good luck on timing your message. You've definitely made the right decision. He may try to fight your decision and make you retract it. Keep posting on here for any help you need and also reach out to people around you IRL, if you can, to have some extra support while you weather these next few weeks as they will probably to be a bit choppy.

With everything else you've got going on (a PhD - wow!), I'm sure you'll be having a busy and interesting time and will get that spring back in your step very soon.

OP did you message him? How did it go

There will never be a 'good' time to do it, so you just need to 'do it'

How did messaging him go op?

Are you feeling relieved? Hope it went as smoothly as possible!

I would be much better on the phone, if he did come the house I would be hopeless I hate confrontation and I know I would give in for an easy life. But I have come so far, and I would never settle for an easy life.
Take a good look at your child and ask yourself "Do I really want someone this dangerous in my daughter's life?" Hopefully the answer is NO and that will help strengthen you.

ALWAYS check who's at the door before you open it. Check at the window, peephole in the door, chain on the door. Call the police if he makes a scene and/or refuses to leave.

The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.
Hold HARD to this thought - this is how you should be feeling, not in the false and flaky promises that your most recent abuser has given. Focus on your studies, your home and most importantly, your safety and that of your child.

Also I agree it doesn't sound as though you are emotionally strong enough to break up with him by phone even With your script and certainly NOT in person.

He is about to lose the "investment" he made in you and will fight hard not to lose it. Protect yourself and your child.

Good luck!🌹

Bin him OP, he’s not a catch. You can definitely do better.

"Others opinions" will be "So good to see Jaffa so strong and resilient now, able to protect herself and her little girl from abusive shits and not get trapped again. Go Jaffa!"

I always feel breaking up with a shit is like childbirth - can be messy and painful and undignified but doesn't last long and is a small price to pay for the happiness that follows.

Thank you all for your messages of support. I didn't do it last night, I know I'm making excuses but I have a few important zoom calls today for work and didn't want to affect my performance.

I've not spoken to him since Sunday when he kicked off about not liking my neighbours and telling me to delete certain male celebrities on social media. So, I have been thinking the longer it goes on with no communication the easier he may take it? And it may be less messy.

I'm just speaking from experience, last time was probably completely different as it was a 10 year relationship with a child. This time, its a one year relationship with nothing else (Thank god). However, last time I had to go and see a councillor not because of the break up (I've never felt freedom and relief like it) but because I couldn't get over the guilt for leaving him and it went on for a good couple of months. But, as lots of you have mentioned the sooner I do it, the better. I just wanted to wait until I was mentally strong and as I'm juggling a lot at the moment I feel extremely stressed, and feel like his reaction is going to affect everything (I've just started new job, and took on a few extra posts at my university)

I need to stop putting him before myself, he's a 40 year old man and lives with his mum and dad about a 25 minute drive away, but he's just bought a house in the same town as me, and will be moving in the next month or so (which I'm now not looking forward to!)

I'm sorry I sound really frustrating, I just felt like my life was running so smooth, I began to feel proud of how much my confidence and self-esteem had grown, now everything is about to take a massive hit. But, equally I know this short term rubbish is going to be so worth it for the long term gain.

It's good that you are ignoring him, keeping that up will let him know you are not interested in communicating with him , or giving in to his demands to control who you see ( neighbours/ friends) or what you do on social media.

Ignising him is good, so long as you follow that with quick brief text ( or other communication) that the relationship is over.

If you follow the ignoring with trying to appease him, however, to de-escalate or reduce the risk of his anger it will not work. He will see this as a win to gain control.
Good luck and well done on taking no crap from him. You are strong, and life will become so much easier by leaving this stessful confidence destroying relationship behind.