Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I leave now?

202 replies

jaffa678 · 07/06/2020 23:09

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

OP posts:
Original poster
jaffa678 · 07/06/2020 23:59

@SRS29 Probably because my self esteem has been shattered so much from the age of 18-28 that I havent had much self compassion for myself

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2020 00:02

Would a text message ending things after a year be inappropriate?

Please stop putting the feelings of abusive men before your own well-being and that of your child. Send a text and don't give a single fuck as to how he feels about it.

Original poster
jaffa678 · 08/06/2020 00:02

@SummerDayWinterEvenings Yeah it would only make things more difficult and heated if I mentioned the real reasons. He said his ex wife left because he was apparently emotionally abusive, and he said everyone told him he didnt have it in him. I've always kept that in the back of my mind.

OP posts:
copperoliver · 08/06/2020 00:07

Yes rid straight away don't let him talk you around, it's not worth wasting your time. X

1235kbm · 08/06/2020 00:12

@jaffa678 you need to be prepared for him to kick off, unfortunately. That's what abusers do.

I would speak to him on the phone, rather than text in case he insists on coming to yours to speak to you. I understand that that is going to be a difficult conversation but it's for the best. Write down what you want to say first, in case you get side tracked.

They tend to go one of two ways 1. plead, beg, cry, promise to change, threaten self harm or suicide, say they can't live without you or, 2. Get aggressive, threaten to harm you, your pets, friends or family.

You are most vulnerable from serious harm when ending an abusive relationship and in the first year afterwards.

Very calmly explain that you have decided that you want to finish the relationship because you really need to focus on your daughter right now, she is your number one priority and, there is no chance of reconciliation in the future. You would appreciate it if he respects your wishes and you want no further contact.

Do not give him any possibility of reconciliation OP.

If he comes to your place, do not let him in and ask him to leave. If he will not leave, contact the police.

If he stalks or harasses you dial 101 and speak to the police. Make a note of any events.

1235kbm · 08/06/2020 00:14

He said his ex wife left because he was apparently emotionally abusive, and he said everyone told him he didnt have it in him. I've always kept that in the back of my mind.

You should have run as fast as your legs could carry you when you heard that.

Original poster
jaffa678 · 08/06/2020 00:18

@1235kbm Thank you so much I appreciate your advice. The first relationship was the begging and pleading and threaten of suicide. I'm hoping this time it may be different, but the logical me knows perhaps it might not be so.

I would be much better on the phone, if he did come the house I would be hopeless I hate confrontation and I know I would give in for an easy life. But I have come so far, and I would never settle for an easy life.

I have been worried about others opinions, as I've had two failed relationships, I dont want people to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. But the people who know and love me the most, and I have the most supportive and lovely family and friends, it wouldn't cross their minds.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 08/06/2020 00:21

Yep, red flags galore.
Get rid.

1235kbm · 08/06/2020 00:34

OP there is nothing wrong with you. You're an abuse survivor and you need help to heal. Please, please be kind to yourself. You're doing the best you can.

I'm concerned that he may threaten or harm you if you speak to him face to face. If he does threaten suicide then call 999. Do not listen to his lies and manipulation. If the threatens you, again, call the police.

Please get yourself some help OP. You've been through a decade of abuse which can make you sick mentally and physically. Please look after yourself, eat well, exercise, do some reading on abuse, get some therapy, surround yourself with kind people.

hellena37 · 08/06/2020 00:40

Run....detach, delete, delete, delete.

cantarina · 08/06/2020 00:45

OP if you've decided you want to break up with him, that's your choice. Take a deep breath, work out what you want to say, tell him over the phone or by text, your call. If you speak to him and the conversation isn't going well, just end the call. You don't have to take abuse or manipulation.

If he does come to your door, don't answer it, there's no law that says you have to. Let him make a scene banging away at the door, better that than you being talked round and having to put up with him trying to control you. Your showing that you are in control is hopefully more likely to ensure he gets the message.

ilikemethewayiam · 08/06/2020 00:46

Personally I wouldn’t speak to him on the phone. He will try to talk you round. You owe him nothing. I would say it in a text. End it with something like it’s not negotiable, please do not contact me again, then block him everywhere. He sounds very nasty so I don’t doubt for a minute he will kick off and possibly come round to your house. Do not engage with him and if necessary call the police. Good luck OP. You deserve so much better!.

midsummabreak · 08/06/2020 00:49

So glad you are escaping now he is showing his true colours. Would you feel comfortable to tell close neighbours/ friends/ family that you have broken the relationship off as he is being controlling, and jealous so they have a heads up and can support you if he wont accept breakup.

Mintjulia · 08/06/2020 00:53

Op, time to be rid of him. Anyone who calls their ex a slag should be shown the door immediately, regardless of anything else. There’s just no need for it.

Take the opportunity of lockdown to have some peace and happy personal time. Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2020 00:56

I don't mean to be unkind, but I don't think you're strong enough to end it over the phone. You are too easily manipulated, especially by a narcissistic man. End it by text. Simply say you've decided this relationship isn't what you want. No further explanation is necessary. As soon as you send it, block him.

NoMoreDickheads · 08/06/2020 01:02

I would be much better on the phone, if he did come the house I would be hopeless I hate confrontation

You just don't open the door to him. No confrontation needed.

as I've had two failed relationships, I dont want people to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I bet most people have at least that number and probably several more OP. I've lost count. Grin

21outnumbered · 08/06/2020 01:12

I left my controlling abusive partner at 27 after 10 years together so completely understand how you feel. I made some lovely friends who helped with the social life and I had an absolute ball being single and bringing my kids up on my own. This man has shown his true colours and there aren't just red flags, it's all red. I had a similar situation with a man who swept me off my feet and I tried to do the decent thing and end things face to face, he locked us both in his flat and threw the keys out the letterbox. I only got out because his friend came over later that night after he'd went mental and I agreed we'd stay together. I later text and told him we were done. Put yourself first in this and send a text saying you've realised you are happier on your own and he should move on. Block his number after that if he gives you any hassle!

AIMD · 08/06/2020 01:13

I really hope you end it. It sounds like it’s going no where good.

I agree with others about calling him and giving him a vague reason for the split that you’ve practiced before. Also maybe prescribe some replies to some of the potential things he might say so you are prepared if he asks to come round or starts crying etc.

Maybe let someone else know what is happening too so they can help look out for you. Are you close to your neighbours?

Maybe thinking of it as a player. Pull it off fast to get the pain over and done with. It’ll only get harder the deeper in you get....but you know that from the sound of it.

longtimecomin · 08/06/2020 05:22

Lots of red flags, dump block and focus on your daughter

MyOwnSummer · 08/06/2020 06:54

Usually a face to face conversation would be polite, but I would say its not advisable here - he might try and talk you round. You don't owe him your time or explanations.

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 08/06/2020 07:12

Don’t call, if he insists on coming to talk to you, don’t answer the door and call the police if he won’t leave.

Send something along the lines of:-

I think we both know that our time in lockdown has shown that we’re not as compatible as we thought. This isn’t working for me any more.

Talking to him will give him the opportunity to “argue his case”, he won’t be listening he’ll be trying to convince you. In this case it is far clearer to send a message. He is not a good man. Well done for recognising that!

MrsJasonIsbell · 08/06/2020 07:33

Lockdown has done you a favour OP. Men don't change, don't believe him when he says he will. I did that and it ended badly for me a year ago, in hospital with a black eye and head injury. There's good advice here about what to do if he is a nuisance.

marly11 · 08/06/2020 07:53

Please do end it. And protect yourself by not engaging in much if any conversation with him about it so that he can't bully you and make you crack, if you think that's a risk.

Bananalanacake · 08/06/2020 07:54

Thank God you don't live with him.

Dery · 08/06/2020 08:27

Seconding others: don’t call. Message him. And if he makes trouble call the police. He will make it hard for you otherwise. I’m sure he did emotionally abuse his wife and now he’s starting on you. He probably doesn’t do that to other people so they really can’t comment on whether or not he’s capable of it.