Do I leave now?

[jaffa678]

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

*ignoring

That's what I was hoping for, the longer I ignore him the more fed up be will become and the easier it will be, and his reaction may not be as bad.

Did you do as he asked about stopping following male celebs? If so, re-follow then, making him realise that you're not taking any of his shit. Hopefully the more you push back the more he'll get the message.

He’s a teenager in a 40 year old body, tell him to fuck the fuck off to fucksville

@teabaseddiet Yeah I did unfollow the ones he asked me to, one of them i forgot to, which he reminded me about, but I'm going to leave that there on purpose.

I've got no energy to get in touch with him.

@Charliecatpaws fuck the fuck off to fucksville haha that has tickled me.

I feel like others on here have the right idea, that no matter what you do , you need to be kind to yourself and let him know it's finished, to be free of this controlling man. Then you can enjoy just being with you and your daughter. He sounds like he is very insecure, jealous, demanding and thinks he can control what you do to make him happy. I have no doubt that this did lead to him being emotionally abusive with his xpartner. It is very unlikely that you can change his reactions to the breakup. If or when he does kick off, that is all on him. He can choose to be respectful, or he can choose to behave like an abusive arsehole- you have no control over his stupidity and nastiness. He sounds like he sucks the life out of you and nothing you do or say will change that. Text and Run! Agree with others such as @1235kbm

I thought I was just paranoid because of my previous relationship and that I was too over aware of red flags, by constantly looking for them. But I'm glad the mumsnetters have backed up my suspicions and doubts.

A healthy relationship is where your partner respects your ways and your differences, not demands you to change as they feel threatened.

Thing is, no matter how much his partners change things to appease him and allow control believing it helps his insecurities (like you deleting male celebrities from facebook, and whatever his xp changed before you) he is likely to still expect more as he craves control, not an equal relationship.

OP you know this behaviour is off. I think you already had your answer at the start of your post where you said you were happier with just you and your daughter. From there it just spiralled downhill dramatically.

Leave.

Its OK, many of us have found ourselves in a shitty relationship, unsure why we doubted the red flags, and judgement was clouded. Would haveliked to tell them to fuck the fuck off to fucksville if only I had known CharlieCatPaws

Be careful of only ignoring.
If you block, you won't have to read any shit from him.

Massive red flags dump him. No man dictates to me who I see and who I follow on social media - nobody. That is incredibly controlling and you are worth more.

@Aerial2020 I'm just worried if I block he would turn up at my house and want some sort of explanation.

I seriously need to let go of my guilt too. I keep thinking hes just about to move to the area I'm in (which he doesn't really know) and said he only knows me and my family. And hes already nervous to move into a house on his own as it will be lonely (he would have his kids at weekend with him) But the other side of me thinks, I had to move into a house on my own with my little girl 6 months ago and I coped, I've actually thrived being here. It was alien at first but I love it now. I need to learn to stop feeling guilty.

He's already laying it on thick isn't he? If he moves to the area and doesn't know anyone will you be solely responsible for his time? Odds on he'll start telling you that you can't go out with your friends without him, why don't we stay in together. Eventually it'll just be you and him. And then the real shit will start.

You sound really lovely, OP. End it now before he moves to the area. You can do this. You're stronger than you realise!

If he turns up, call the police. It sounds extreme but it will show him you mean it. And the police will take it seriously.
(Should do anyway if you say there a man at your doorstep that won't go away)
Thing with ignoring, is he may bide his time and still see it as a way in. He will either get mad and continue (and even if ignoring, youbdont wmat to read abusive texts) OR he will try and win you back with how things will be different, he's a great guy rubbish blah blah blah

@FloggingMoll Aw thank you. Yeah I can see a similar pattern emerging. When I was with my little girls dad I ended up deleting social media, missing out on the majority of nights out / girls holidays with my friends (my 20s should have been my best years)I was so isolated from everyone, so I've vowed to never go down that path again. And from all the amazing advice from MN, everyone can see it is going to go that way.

You sound like an intelligent and together person. What could a future with this guy look like? Worrying thought!

Please make sure you confide in a friend or family member that you are going to end things.

It sounds as though he was lovebombing with all the nights out at first.

Well done on taking control of yours & DDs future.

The neighbour comments sound like jelousy, because you were enjoying yourself.

Yeah I've told my sister about the situation so she is aware. I dont think it will get to the point where he knocks on my door if I tell him its over, as hes quite stubborn so I think his attitude would be "I'm not chasing any woman". Which I'm hoping and praying is the answer.

But I think the longer I ignore things he could turn up for answers. It's just a situation I dont want to be in right now.

Every day you don't text to him that it's over is another day he thinks he has you as a partner. Another day he thinks he can sit quietly controlling your social media.

Maybe he sees you having deleted 2/3 celebrities as him having 2/3 control? Maybe he feels accomplished that you are changing at least some of your social media choices, just for him?
Could you help him see that you will never be told who you can and can't follow on social media, re-follow the celebrities?
Maybe you will feel more comfortable to text him that the relationship is over you if you prepare for worst reactions he may have? He may/ may not kick off but you can prepare just in case. Can you get friends/ neighbours/ family on side and let them know it would be great if you could call them if he starts a fuss when you text it's over?

Sounds like you have a nice relationship with great neighbours. Can you let them know its over and that if he comes uninvited you wont be letting him in so they have an understanding of situation. That way, you are prepared and can just not answer door? You could have an agreement with neighbours that you will both just chat on phone if he does come and neither go outside?
It's hard worrying what his reactions may be, especially after your previous x partner's threatening suicide andreactio s. Take one step at a time, let neighbours and family know first, then brief text to him later that day.

Great you told your sister, and started ball rolling. Good luck with however you decide the next steps.

@midsummabreak I think it probably is a good idea to re-follow the people hes told me to delete just to say I'm not going to listen.

I've defitnley found a pattern, his insecurities of telling me to delete people apparently all stem from his ex wife. My DD's dad had the same issues and they all stemmed from his mum. Seems to be always someone there to excuse their behaviour

I think when you do it OP you'll feel a sense of relief again - this must be horrible just jumping in case he's at the door etc. My favourite line is "I just don't feel like we get on as well as we should." People can't argue with it (especially not angry people who kick off about you looking at a picture of Tom Hardy or whatever).

Tell him now, in the daytime. Then tell your sister what you've done and switch your phone off or block him for the rest of the day.

"I've defitnley found a pattern, his insecurities of telling me to delete people apparently all stem from his ex wife." - Laughed at this, did she leave him for Chris Hemsworth?