Do I leave now?

[jaffa678]

Hi all

Bit of a background story:- I was in an abusive relationship for 10years from the age of 18, we have a DD together, I finally had the courage to leave. 5 months after leaving I met someone else (didnt intend on meeting anyone as I was loving the freedom with my DD)

I fell madly in love with this new guy, and he introduced me to a brilliant social life, when my DD was with her dad, we would go bars, nightclubs, weekends away, I really did have the best year and everyone said you've got a massive spring in your step, weve never seen you so happy. I really did feel on cloud nine until lockdown happened.

He was furloughed from work and when I heard the rules that we couldnt see each other I was devastated, I thought I cant do this. The first 2 weeks passed and then after that I felt a complete change of heart. I loved my own space and freedom, I just wanted it to be me and my little girl.

After my last relationship I vowed to myself that any red flag I see I leave straight away for my own sanity. However in lockdown, he has asked me to unfollow male celebs on social media because it makes him feel uncomfortable even though his social media is full of women, hes developed a hatred for my ex because hes borrowed me a few things during lockdown and helped out more with childcare whilst I still work so he thinks my ex is trying to get back in there with me, even though he spends every day at his ex wifes house with the kids (which doesn't bother me), hes kicked off because I take longer to text back (because I'm juggling home schooling my little one, doing a PHD and working 3 jobs), he has kicked off because weve met a few times for walks and I've not allowed him to stay over at my house. Then last night I spent a few hours outside with my neighbours having drinks and I didnt message him because i feel its rude sitting there on my phone in front of people, so he messaged me this morning saying dont ever introduce me to your nieghbours because I cant stand them, he said that the woman that lives next door to me is a slag, that there all benefit cheats (because I live in a new build council house) but none of them are, he doesn't know them.

I feel like all of this plus the fact hes 40 and has 2 kids and I'm 10 years younger adds to the feeling that hes not right for me? Are these red flags or am I being overly cautious / paranoid with my past history?

[WitchWife]

I'm glad you're able to see it now, Jaffa. Have you done the freedom course or tried to find ways to reset your relationship boundaries?

OR do you want to write your own list of things you will not accept in a partner?

[Patsypie]

Honestly, I'd run like hell. He's very controlling and sounds quite nasty.

[jaffa678]

Thank you ladies for making it so crystal clear. Every time I feel like caving I keep re-reading every single one of your messages they really do help me focus my attention elsewhere away from him.

[Happynow001]

I don't know why I've been so stupid to ignore the alarm bells!
Then why have you still not "shut the door" on him?

You have absolutely nothing positive to gain from maintaining a relationship with this man. And nor does your child.

[WinnieWonder]

@jaffa678 i found that i knew things rationally, cognitively, but i didn't feeeeel that boundary or that standard at a core level.

I have allowed myself to be rushed one too many times now.

Men who rush you have no respect for your right to pace the relationship, if it is that.

If id had a great date and a man said "meet you tomorrow!?" I used to agree even though really I would have preferred a few days to reflect.

I think I get it now though.

[mellowww]

Any short term missing him!!!!

(Why does phone correct sense to nonsense?!)

[mellowww]

You'll get through any short yet missing him.

Oh and yes these are totally yes big red flags flapping in the breeze, begging you to notice them.

And no he won't change. He's just getting going.

Do not touch him with a barge pole.

[mellowww]

Jaffa you sound such a sensible and strong person. 🥇👌

You have done the hard work before. You've got you and your little girl out and free.

You've got your house and have your happy place there.

This guy has been attracted to you like static. But now yep the mask is definitely slipping. Don't blame yourself or say you're stupid because you aren't at all - he's just not been showing you his true colours. You've noticed exactly the key behaviours that show he's another bad 'un. So time to move on.

You would always have to end it with him, so even if it's tricky for a bit, the sooner you do it, the less hassle.

Maybe also easier to break it while he's still at some distance, so he can get used to the idea.

You're good at taking decisions and acting on them. Just do your thing. And stand your ground, because he'll give you every reason why you shouldn't.

Be strong now for your and your daughter's freedom, and future happiness when you do find the right guy. Think about your future children, her brothers and sisters, with a really good man. Think of all that and you'll easily get through and short term missing him. You've got so much life ahead of you. I'm sure you can do this. 🌟

[Mary1935]

Jaffa please dump him.
You can have fun without him.
He’s abusive.
He will not change at all.
This is who he is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if his next texts become abusive.
You need to learn to end relationships,you can expect to find a soul mate every time you date someone.
Off course relationships don’t work out. It’s healthy to walk away.
You appear to have an over developed sense of responsibility.
Why are you living his life and not your own,
You are disregarding your own thoughts and feelings for an abusuve man.
RIP the plaster off today.
Good luck.

[ExhaustedFlamingo]

I don't know if this will help you at all - but imagine your little girl growing up in a house with that kind of attitude. You move in with him - which will be inevitable if you get back together - and she hears the way he is controlling to you. She hears the way that he expects you to jump and respond instantly to his every communication. She hears the way he calls other women slags. Genuinely, do you want your little girl to grow up with that type of toxicity around her?

You're 30. You absolutely will find someone else to have fun with. And believe me, there's lots of ways to make new friends - single nights out with mates are THE BEST EVER.

You deserve better than him. If you can't see that, then ask yourself whether your little girl deserves better than to grow up around that kind of behaviour?

Stay strong.

[jaffa678]

@Vodkacranberryplease I've been there before I need to stop being so oblivious to all of this. After I had my little girl my ex got 10 times worse. It's all just a matter of time. I don't know why I've been so stupid to ignore the alarm bells!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@jaffa678 To those who have been in these types of relationships, they defintley dont change do they?

Oh but they do change! They get much much much worse. You mean do they get better? No. Never. There's far too much going on here.

@witchwife thanks! It really was the most self serving manipulative pathetic pile of shit I've ever seen. If I ever get a text like that I am printing and framing AND I would send it to all of my friends and laugh about it. What a hilarious but ultimately revealing load of cobblers 😂

[jaffa678]

@Vodkacranberryplease haha I love the idea about making a fake hot profile!!

[WitchWife]

I love it @Vodkacranberryplease amazing text analysis!!

[jaffa678]

@WinnieWonder thank you for the reply. This is where I'm really confused, I didnt want a serious relationship the whole of last year was just a case of having fun, and we had so much fun every weekend was amazing. I remember saying to my best mate I dont even think hes that into me, we didnt speak about a relationship for quite a long time, didnt say the L word until about 5/6 months in. We took everything really slow, nothing felt rushed. And then come lockdown and everything changed. I kept blaming the fact that he was furloughed, still living with his parents and didnt have any space, but then I can clearly see from all the replies on here that theres deeper issues at bay.

Not one reply has said hes going through a rough time, give him the benefit of the doubt, everyone is stating how obvious the red flags are around him.

I think now I'm older gut instincts are not something to be ignored. I dont think that these red flags are going to magically disappear once he gets back into a normal life.

To those who have been in these types of relationships, they defintley dont change do they?

[WinnieWonder]

I agree with the others that the first message was extremely manipulative and the second was designed to make you think he was all breezy afterall, not controlling and to make you have second thoughts.

Interesting and telling that his xw believes he is emotionally abusive.

She would know.

I was once love bombed by a man who said on our first date ''all of my x wives hate me''. God, I should have known that I was going to end up feeling ''add me to the list, even though I'm not an ex wife''. It really is a character brief.

You sound like you have a really good full life OP! You can enjoy that and when the time is right to dip a toe back in, you'll know.

What you need to learn how to do is to PACE a relationship. This is what I needed to learn as well. I left an abusive relationship at 37 and every relationship I had afterwards for a long time was ''rushed'' by new man, and then they either get weird and controlling or they would dump me cos there was no challenge for them.

It takes such confidence to pace a relationship when You like somebody. Not saying it's easy!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@jaffa678 want to get over him? Make a hot fake profile and go to whatever online dating he uses. He will be there. Spinning his shit. I'd put a tenner on it.

[WinnieWonder]

He called his ex a ''slag''.

That would be it for me. Good bye.

I wouldn't be looking for any other flags. If he called any woman a slag, even if she had enjoyed a lot of casual sex, if I heard the word ''slag'' coming out of the man I was dating, adios.

[jaffa678]

@Vodkacranberryplease thank you for your really detailed response, I'm going to keep re-reading that to get in firmly planted in my head. I've been missing him the last few days so this is really helping thank you.

@WitchWife thank you, yeah I'm hoping I can feel happy and secure again in myself, as I've felt rubbish the last couple of days. And not place my happiness on him

[Prettybubblesintheair]

You need to grow a back bone and reply telling him “Yes. It’s over. Please don’t contact me again” not just keep ignoring him, that’s giving him false hope and he’ll keep messaging you. Yes there’s a zillion red flags and his messages are all “poor me, woe is me you can’t leave me” but you’re not exactly helping by leaving things open. I’m sorry you had an abusive relationship, I had one too. You would probably really benefit from the freedom programme. It was way too soon for you to get in a relationship, you probably know that now. But just end it, today. You don’t need him to give you a social life.

[Pokske]

Male celebs make him insecure ? He sounds like a teenager. Please leave him with his female celebs. He's an immature bully.
Good luck.

[emmylousings]

The fact that you are worried about his reaction of you finish it, shows that you must end it sooner rather than later; the longer it goes on the more severe his reaction is likely to be, and more afraid you will become. Bin him ASAP. Oh, and don't move in with anyone now that you have a nice safe place for you and your DD.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Last weekend I was incredibly emotional. Everything seemed to get the better of me. I cried over losing one of my best mates, as raising money for him brought it all back to me.
im so amazing. I raised money
I felt stressed about the uncertainty of my job due to covid-19 and the daunting prospect of living alone, paying a mortgage, bills again etc. id had a row with the Cheshire Council the day earlier about council tax which left me stressed out. I seemed to freak out.
its not my fault it's theirs
I feel moody, really down, a bit overwhelmed with things, my positivity seemed to vanish which is very out of character. You know the real me very well and know I’m a positive, likeable loving person but In one day I upset you, my parents and my sister, all the people I love in this world by just not being me, not being nice and by being horrible.
i am a fuckinb arsehole because nice people don't need to say they are nice but I'm hoping if I say it you'll believe it
I regret it and I didn’t mean for one second the things I said. it hasn’t helped a second argument between us came so quickly after our last one a few weeks ago.
im sorry but not really as it's your fault we argue
But over the course of a year it’s been very rare we fall out. Like I say everything just seemed to get the better of me and I can only apologise. I know I have insecurity issues which stems from my previous relationship which I will continue to work on and improve on and I will beat it.
fuck I can't believe I let the mask slip! I need to wait until I've got you under control
The last week for both of us has been hell on earth because of my actions, the sadness and heartache of this week lead me to have to reach out to you yesterday, and I know it was against your will, but I felt in a dark place, scared and didn’t know what to do.
im so deep, and sensitive and I need you to comfort me even though it's my fault
I didn’t want to message you and end our relationship like that as I still love you of course.
even though you are dumping me which I'm ignoring as I need to be in control
Covid 19 has been a bastard to us, In the middle of such a strong, loving, fun relationship we built together.
its covids fault! Let's pull together! For me
I’ve been desperate to speak to you and tell you all this but feared I’d never, ever get the opportunity.
clearly I can not control you by text alone
I don’t know what your thought process is, for all I know in your head things ended on Sunday night. If you think we’ve still got a relationship worth saving and you’d like to talk or even message me on here, or to even say...perhaps let’s talk after the weekend for example, then please message me back on here so I know. If I don’t hear from you this evening I’ll then know in Please let me know your thoughts as I feel our relationship at the very least deserves a conclusion xxx
*i have to dump YOU. You do NOT get to dump me. And at the very least I need to pretend it's mutual.

Omfg OP it's just tragic. This has probably taken a whole page so apologies. But what a total knob.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I have to say I love the bit about 'my usually positive personality' from him. WHO SAYS THAT?? It just screams I am a complete arsehole.

The love bombing of course is designed to hook you like heroin, as in it's the best thing ever so you spend your whole time trying to recreate it. Sure that the 'real' him is in there somewhere. Sadly this is the real him. Just a pathetic little man pulling out all the stops to keep you under control because if you reject him he can not fool himself he's all that. He's probably lining up his next victim as we speak and love bombing her.

You know what you have to do 👻👻👻

And while you are at home look up meet-up groups. They exist for literally everything and you might as well plan your great social comeback now. There are some fun ones and you will at least meet some new people.

[WitchWife]

"I just worry that it was him that made me change and become a really happy person "

Ah sweetie no! What kind of happiness is it that he gives you when he can turn around and be horrible about your friends and neighbours, bossing you about stupid stuff, being a dick left right and centre? It's just fake. REAL happiness is you and your little girl hanging out at home or seeing friends, feeling free.