Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I think I'm the longest OLD. I joined GSM in 2006 when my marriage ended. Then POf. I've done ok Cupid. Single parents. And then tinder, bumble and hinge.

I had a 6 or so year break to focus on my kids. And to recover from an awful breakup (met at work, not the apps). Was back on the apps around May 2018 and on here from thread 139ish.

Been with Mr b on and off for a year. It's going really well. Just wish we could do overnights. Bloody lockdown.

Does anyone here have a fwb and dating to find a bf as well?

I'm having a very bad idea I think. But unwilling to let someone go who I can't have a relationship with, but still want to shag

I started OLD in 2014 having lost my DH to illness the year before. I met Mr Cocky early doors and I credit him with making me feel desirable and that life would go on. I got lots out of my system in that first year, felt hugely flattered by the attention I received (having never really had a very high opinion of my looks , or probably mostly body). In 2015 I had a 7 month relationship and then a 3 year one ending just over a year ago. During that time both of my parents passed away. The last 12 months I felt I needed time out. I definitely feel stronger and more relaxed after what have been several challenging years.
At one point I would have been flattered or amused by unsolicited dick pics or overlooked poor attitude and behaviour by guys. But when you take a step back you know what your boundaries are and what is acceptable. I genuinely feel optimistic going forward that there are guys out there who I can enjoy getting to know. At 53 I feel I have no agenda or complicated list of what they need to be. Flirty, fun and functioning will do for me

@Oopsiedaisyy, I have had a FWB for 6 years, sometimes more in the background than other times. I also met a new FWB before lockdown who is keen to carry on as soon as we feel we can/should. When I meet someone who I want to date and be exclusive with then seeing the FWB would stop. You should do what feels right for you. I think life's too short to limit your experiences.

I think I joined the thread around late winter/spring of last year after a couple of years of muddling my way through online dating. I started that about a year after a 15 year relationship ended.

I am trying to take the lessons from online dating as they come. I suppose I've had plenty of interesting dates over the last three years. I've only really fallen for someone once in that period and that went from being a complete joy one day to being dumped the next which was a very tough lesson to endure. I dated as much as I could in search of that again but no sparks left right and centre - unsurprising really. Well there was one small spark early this year but that was a very compartmentalised affair and I felt like the help. There wasn't much joy and connection in it.

@MsJaneAusten I guess if you are going to be proactive and write to guys you like then look at sites like Match and OkCupid. Those allow people to write more extensive profiles and supply more info and have good search facilities. They also have a random swiping section if you like the idea of a lucky dip. On the downside you will get lots of messages sent your way but both sites allow you to screen. The swipe sites guarantee of course you will only be messaged by someone you've swiped but a lot of people just swipe on everyone in sight and then choose from their matches who to talk to.

The other thing that you wrestle with when you start online dating is whether or not to pay. I'm pro-paying just for the time it saves.

@Oopsiedaisyy do you not think if you did that, it might set you back mentally in trying to find a relationship?

I fell for the guy I was seeing last, really hard. He was completely on my wavelength humour wise and we had loads in common but ultimately he wasn’t looking for anything permanent 😭

I think I know what I’m looking for now though. I definitely know what I’m not looking for. Lockdown has also taught me a lot.

@Ant330 I’ve pm’d you 😊

@bunkbedpeople @menora I think I'm.the same, have been guilty of getting caught in the moment. I regret it a little, but it's an experience and learning curve. I dont feel too bad of the act but if it doesnt go anywhere it does make me feel down that I'm good enough to talk to but that's it or was the chat for them to get what they want?

I'm trying to be different this time round too. I dont want to give off the wrong signals to guys. how heavy is flirting, sexy chat with guys before UV actually met them? I feel like they think I'm an old granny when I say I'd rather not discuss my fav sexual position after a few messages lol.

also have an old iron in the background. have dtd lots but I'm starting to feel like that's all it is to him. he'll always day he'll stay longer the next time etc but something always comes up then I feel bad for moaning. im going to try and pull back from that one and next time he wants to meet say I dont want sex and would rather hang out to see what he says. is this game playing?

@bunkbedpeople @menora I think I'm.the same, have been guilty of getting caught in the moment. I regret it a little, but it's an experience and learning curve. I dont feel too bad of the act but if it doesnt go anywhere it does make me feel down that I'm good enough to talk to but that's it or was the chat for them to get what they want?

I'm trying to be different this time round too. I dont want to give off the wrong signals to guys. how heavy is flirting, sexy chat with guys before UV actually met them? I feel like they think I'm an old granny when I say I'd rather not discuss my fav sexual position after a few messages lol.

also have an old iron in the background. have dtd lots but I'm starting to feel like that's all it is to him. he'll always day he'll stay longer the next time etc but something always comes up then I feel bad for moaning. im going to try and pull back from that one and next time he wants to meet say I dont want sex and would rather hang out to see what he says. is this game playing?

Oopsie I did that - wasn't having much luck OLD so was on Fab looking for a FWB (I had a couple in the past) when I met Mr BC. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but yet here we are!

I remember back in 2016 there was thread dating - I think that's what happens on this kind of thread sometimes!

I have a question for everyone. What are your thoughts on going back to somebody you dated in the past? For background, I met him weeks after ending my marriage, on tinder. It should have been a hook up situation but he became quite attached and so did I. After about a year it got too much and I needed to be single and get things out of my system. I ended it and he took it badly.
Anyway, we got back in touch end of last year (3 years later) and we’ve been chatting. He’s asked if I fancied a FWB situation. I’m tempted as he was by far the best sex I’ve ever had. I really hurt him all those years ago, he’s told me this. He was nothing but perfect to me and it was the right man at the wrong time.

Not sure what to do?

@MummyGoingItAlone if it’s what you want then go for it but if he was so much more invested the last time would that happen again? Maybe it’s right man right time now though?

@crazycatlady20 it’s not game playing if you want to set boundaries and see if you are more to this guy than sex. And remember rule 12!

@MummyGoingItAlone It's a tricky one for sure. I don't think I'd risk it again tbh if you value his friendship in any way. It takes a lot for a man to admit you hurt him and still come back for more. What would be different this time regarding his feelings for you? Is he hoping to rekindle a relationship with you even if he is adamant at the moment it's just FWB? Rule 11 I think- treat others as you would want to be treated. If you really are just looking for a FWB there are plenty out there willing to oblige and it probably won't be as messy emotionally as it could get with your ex.

Apropos of nothing I really miss the loo updates. They were great fun to read (and write) back in the good old days 🙁.

@zozobo yeah he knows exactly what I want. there just always seems to be something else more important for him and we never quite get there. when I write it, I know what advice I'd give someone else. if it doesnt make you happy.....

I feel like with the guys I chat to there is a huge emphasis in sex. is it just who im talking to? I know it's a big part of relationships but it's like they dont want to talk if ur not willing to tell them all ur sexual likes and dislikes first. I'm 1 year out of 12 LTR so not that up to date on dating but u wouldnt ask all that to someone u just met in a bar. am I just naive?

@mummygoingitalone you say it was right man at the wrong time. do you really want FWB? would he be willing to try more than FWB again?

Ok @JeSuisPrest iron name change to MissB, although I think I deserve that name just as much 😂

Yes she has lots of qualities I like, some I don't, but her looks tend to cloud my judgement somewhat. I am very unsure about trying again, if I'm honest I've got all my barriers drawn up so I don't get hurt again which is hindering my thinking. Not sure what it will take for me to drop those, and I think she's in a similar place.

Anyway I've invited her round for dinner this evening, so we'll perhaps chat about it tonight.

Why are all the men now asking me around to their place for dinner as a first date?

Think they are seeing lockdown and no open cafes or restaurants as an opportunity?

Does one say no?

I'd definitely be saying no to that!

I have and would say no to that!
@crazycatlady20 I’m finding the same -I’ve never done OLD before and am 10 months out of my one and only relationship! Mr dickpic last night was straight onto the sexual talk within a couple to messages. I don’t mind sexual banter but ffs at least tell me your name or ask me something before asking for a rundown of my fantasies!
I’m naturally very shy and reserved so feel like a lamb to the slaughter sometimes when I open chats with some of these men

@zozobo I'm the same, kind of shy, altho I think a year if OLD is knocking that out of me lol. I dont mind, but I'd at least like to meet someone or think I have a connection with them before I start all that. I also dont want to give them the wrong impression that all I'm looking for is sex etc. But I feel like a prude if I say I'd rather not answer etc.

Hi, only been OLD 2 weeks, separated 6 months ago after a 24 year relationship. Jesus, I've aged . I'm starting to wonder if it's something about me, but I'm just having a stream of wank fantasies, including an audio of a man wanking to my profile pic. I'm a chubby middle aged woman!
Worst of all, an iron I've been talking to got to the stage where I agreed to meet next weekend. Hes very local to me. Within seconds I had "No, tonight", "do you like anal sex", and a dick pic. It's really thrown me, because it took a lot of bravery to agree to meet.
Sorry, just wanted to offload. It's not good for the confidence to think this is all I'm good for.

Good luck @Ant330. I hope you manage to find a solution.

The first date in their home would be a no from me.

@JoyofBex that’s by no means all you’re good for, all he’s good for is contempt! Either unmatch, block and delete immediately, or send a message telling him he’s pathetic etc, make sure it’s delivered, then block and delete. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

@JoyofBex I 100% agree with @TigerDater here. I would also report him.

joyofbex ugh. Agree to reporting and blocking...

There seems to be a lot of bored idiots out there right now. It’s not you; it’s them.

Horrible when you think you’ve got a rapport and they end up doing that.

Absolutely no way would I be going to someone’s house for a first date...I think it’s very telling about them if they even suggest that.