Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I want to travel, would love to live off grid (or on my own land) once kids have left but not sure it will ever happen. After helping to raise 3 step kids and my own 2 kids I’m done with the “being a responsible adult” thing.

@supercali77 @notcoolmum I do know that but still upset for some reason. I know it's not my fault but just feel I'm.not good enough, guys only seem to want sex from me.

Anyway I sent another message to say was i not worthy of an apology and he blocked me with no reply, also blocked me on the last app we spoke on. I've deleted his number and remove all his pics to a hidden folder, not sure I can delete them just yet.

I know it's not my fault, but its left me feeling really really shitty. I dont know why as I knew deep down when we arranged fri that hed either not come or come with an excuse to leave early 😔 I need a good guy.

@crazycatlady20 I am actually shocked at what an arse he has been. He stood you up, left you hanging on, ghosted you then blocked you without so much as an apology or an explanation. What a gobshite.

@30somethingandstillsingle if you haven’t met him then I would probably understand if he vanished once but if it was a pattern of vanishing then you’re best to stop contacting. I wouldn’t block someone because I wouldn’t want them to know they’d annoyed me but I would mute them and maybe not read their messages.

@crazycatlady20 I’m sorry to hear about your iron. You do know you are good enough? In fact you’re worth a hundred of that piece of scum. The world is just full of shitty people who think it’s ok to treat people like this. It’s his loss because you always sound so lovely.

@ChersecakeAddict I know, prob cos he knew it wouldnt blow over this time. I did still expect an excuse, even if it was a lie.

hes an arse, if anything I'm looking for a guy who can actually defend his actions not scuttle off and hide.

just goes to show I should have listened to all the previous advice from this thread.

@Lovemusic33 I'm loathe to knock him because you said it's rare for you to find someone with a similar outlook on life, but when you've already said no to meeting up that day why is he persisting and what's he saying?

In a way it's lovely he's so keen, but I can imagine his persistence when you've said no could become irritating.

I am just at the moment appreciating the very, very rare joy when you match with someone, and you feel like the conversation is developing in a natural and sustainable way over a few days, that it feels easy to write to them because you are curious about them. When you feel like you are actually connecting with someone as a human. You feel the little, gentle buzz of happiness when you see a message from them popping up, and you are excited to read it, and you know they have put in care, thought and effort to write a lovely long message. So much can and does go wrong further down the line (certainly been there and got the T shirt many, many times - they disappear, you meet and there is zero spark, you meet and think they are amazing but it’s evidently not reciprocated, etc.). But this is just a short post to remember what this feels like. I feel lucky to be getting a little bit of this feeling now with a new potential iron, after many, many months of wondering if I had perhaps completely lost the facility to connect with a new person. I will try not to over invest! And to just just appreciate and enjoy this part.

@crazycatlady20 Hmm. Except its 2020 and plenty of adults now happily and upfront arrange mutually consensual 'just sex' relationships. Think of fab. Theres no reason to go around claiming you want a relationship with someone if all you want is sex. What hes done shows a serious character flaw and lack of integrity which doesn't just dissappear upon meeting 'the perfect woman'. You are absolutely fine, he on the other hand is not.

@crazycatlady20 just gone back through this thread and read some of your earlier messages. You say that the men you chat to move to sexual talk early on and that you feel obliged to go along even if it's making you uncomfortable. I would say they are telling you who they are early doors - so listen. If you are looking for a relationship I'd wager these aren't the men for you. I have never done sex chat with someone I hadn't met and knew we have a sexual attraction.

You say you are recently out of a long term relationship. Maybe spend some time on you. Working out what you want and need. It isn't a man who ghosts you and makes you question your value I'll bet.

Morning guys, so I went on my match account again. I had a look who had viewed me and low and behold he had set up an account and viewed me. I wouldn't have come up.in his search as I'm too far away so obviously went looking.

I don't understand, he will know how much it hurts me that he's straight back on a new dating site. Why make it obvious....if he doesn't want me why not just stay away.

It feels like he's deliberately taunting me, but I may be being over the top with that, I'm really not sure.

And I don't know why you would lead someone on, get rid of them so coldly and dismissively then to really rub it in show them you are now looking for something else.

I really feel like he's trying to punish me...and it's working. I would have normally got in touch by now, but I'm staying strong and wont.

@notcoolmum thanks for taking the time to do that. I wouldnt say i go along with it, I'll answer more general questions if i feel comfortable but I wouldnt say what I'd like to do or not to someone I'd never met. I cant remember what i wrote before but I feel like most men want sex chat, and when I say I'd rather not they make me feel like I'm a fuddy duddy, but yeah I know that means they're not for me and I do stop chatting.

interestingly mr big didnt do any sex chat prior to meeting.

I do know what I want, i want someone who's caring, loyal, respectful etc and some company and who can be a good/best friend. I have company of friends/family if I need it and have hobbies but still feel pretty lonely, i just want to be in a good relationship too, to feel loved, be a wee team 😕. I think I just need work on my boundaries.

@bangheadhere40 try to ignore him, u are doing so well. if your def not going to talk to him I'd block him on the app so that if he does try to contact u he gets the message.

Have you read Mr Unavailable @crazycatlady20 what I liked about it was actually it's now why they do x, y and z. It's why YOU respond to it. Ultimately we are responsible for getting the relationship we want. And we won't do that if we keep handing out free passes to the men that aren't giving us what we want/need.

@bangheadhere40 I don't know match at all but I'd block him if you can. Come off that site if you need to. You have him a long time and more than a second chance. Why he's doing what he is isn't important. How you pick yourself back up and handle it is what matters.

NOT why they do x, y and z!!

@bangheadhere40 agree with notcool, block him. You don't need any further headfuckery

Also yes to echo notcool Mr unavailable book and the Baggage Reclaim site by the author is indispensable reading for those of us with...negotiable boundaries

@crazycatlady20 Regarding the sex chat - just say something like "Look we're both on a dating app, so we're obviously looking for the sexual benefits that come with a relationship. I'm happy to explore that side at an appropriate time when we know a bit more about each other, and have perhaps decided we'd like to get as far in the meeting each other. In the meantime, I'd rather know a bit more about your (interests/work/whatever)."

If they don't like it and either respond with the "it was just banter/ghost you/take the hump, they're just using you for wank fodder and you've escaped early doors.

Thanks, I have blacklisted as it's called on match.

Just feels like he's deliberately trying to hurt me or gauge a reaction but as notcool says I suppose that's irrelevant why. I spoke to a friend about this, told them everything he had done, said etc. He said it seems like this guy is almost narcissistic with how he messes with me, it's a game for him and he thrives off the attention and getting me in a state.

I know I need to stay away from him.

@bangheadhere40 I was with someone for 5 years that messed with my head. Hot and cold. Cheated. I kept walking away and he kept chasing me. He said at the end there was something about us/me and he could never seem to let me go. Even though he knew he was treating me terribly and it wasn't fair on me. But every time he came back after me I saw it as validation he really wanted me. I think maybe he was hooked on the highs and lows too. And also knew I would always welcome him back. Such a horrible and unhealthy dynamic. One it took me years to recover from and has definitely left its mark. Whilst he went on to marry and have children!!

If I could have done anything differently it would be to not have spent my time
Analysing him and why he did what he did. But analysing me, and why I kept on taking him back.

Agreed with your advice re sex chat @JeSuisPrest

Yesterday I was chatting to a potential iron and (we have been chatting more than a week) related to the conversation we were having he asked for a pic (not sleazily just a bit cheeky) I just said that's cheeky and you are getting ahead of yourself, that would only happen if we'd met and liked each other and were dating.
He took it really well, and we switched the conversation to music and he was very respectful, it actually made me want to chat to him more.
He's honestly said he's struggling without physical connection and I understand that.

Anyone who wouldn't react like that is not worth my time.

I'm also chatting to another new Iron, who so far seems lovely, chat has been new house, driving, kids and music related. He said to me last night, there's something about you that makes me want to chat more even though I should be sleeping. I'll name him as the chat progresses.

I've mentally and on WhatsApp 'archived' lots of the old irons Mr Bike - not messaged in a week, gone. Mr Mountains - no chemistry in real life, gone. Mr MBA, I have a weird feeling when he calls me so much - need to trust my gut, gone. Mr Music, I'm done waiting for him, gone. Mr Chef, seems all interested when he does message but that's only once or twice a week so he's not holding my interest, gone. The two returners are never going to come to anything. One will be a friend the other a friend with the odd weekend hanging out with benefits. Not using my energy on them though.

I feel ruthless but I need to just move on. Annoyingly I spent a lot of time thinking about Mr Swan yesterday. 42 days since he last messaged me... it's the loss of friendship that's getting to me. He played the push pull and said it was because he valued the friendship so much ... which is why he wouldn't act on his feelings. I decided that even when lockdown ends I'm never going to car share with him again. I don't want to pretend I'm ok.

I agree about sex chat and the recommendations for dealing with it. I’m in the early days of dating someone absolutely lovely (yay! at last! 😊) and the sexual side of our relationship is fantastic. We are both highly compatible in that area but interestingly, we didn’t talk about anything sexual for a long time. He told me that he was curious but wanted to wait for me to raise it because he really liked me and didn’t want to come across as a sleaze. When we met and fancied each other, I started to initiate some sexier chat. It’s certainly not necessary to do it sooner and I wouldn’t trust any man who tries to insist on it.

@supercali77 thanks will have a look at the site in more detail later, do u have to subscribe?

I'll order mr unavailable at lunchtime, would anyone recommend the authors other book, dreamer & fantasy relationships?

I think I need to find how to stick to these things, it is probably all just common sense. it's like dieting, have read every book, know HOW to lose weight but dont stick to the rules so dont lose it!

notcool thanks...I do need to look at myself really and why I've tolerated this shitty behaviour. Very similar to your 5 year guy ( sorry that must have been awful) I took the constant contact, returning, compliments etc as validation he does have feelings. He also once apologised for treating me badly, then told me he's sure he wants a future then does this by deflecting the situation.

I've been looking at words, not actions, very convincing words too. I think lockdown has made it worse as we actually couldn't meet up for so long. Then the one opportunity we had he didn't want to. Actions there show it's just all hot air what he's been saying.

I'm way too trusting I think.. I just don't understand how some people can be as they are and have always given people the benefit of the doubt and try and see the good and understand. I need to stop doing that.

@bangeadhere40 I've just ordered the book on kindle it's only £3.24, can get an app for ur phone etc even if u dont have a kindle. I cant remember if you said you had read it or not.