Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Notcoolmum thanks that sounds like a good plan I guess I need to be tougher with it as Tnder can be ruthless

@Msyoganidra32 I just think it reduces the chances of being approached by idiots.

@JeSuisPrest ooh this sounds very exciting. Mr B smokes. I hate smoking. He doesn't smoke when with me (chews gum) and makes an effort not to smell etc. I've never seen him smoke and never want to.

@bangheadhere40 just checking you are ok. FWIW I think you have done the right thing. He has never made an effort. He would if he wanted to. Imho.

@Notcoolmum can I ask fo you ever suggest going over to what’s app or to meet as some of them just want endless chat which is a waste of time ?

Yes jesuis so pleased for you! Just thinking about all the jobs I need doing around the house now ...

@Msyoganidra32 normally I wait for them but I did ask Mr B to move to WA as he was taking forever. Turns out he was worried he was rushing me. If the chat isn't going anywhere slow down your replies. Or stop. Don't waste your time if there isn't a good flow going. You will know the feeling when a ping on your phone makes you smile. Or when you are disappointed it's not them...

@JeSuisPrest your post make me grin!!! So excited for you.

So yeah if Mr Producer (he produces music on the side) wants to meet tonight I will. Maybe it serendipitous, he was my first date after the end of my marriage. (we had pizza and drinks and went to a live music bar and it was brilliant fun)
My settlement agreement arrived in the post this morning for me to sign.

@JeSuisPrest ooh la la! Very pleased for you! 🥳

It's me again, please go easy on me as I'm upset.

I said about my iron the other day who had a free night but didn't see me and we haven't seen eachother in months, after he had said we have a future. I made a little comment and went to bed. The next day I messaged him and he had a go at me.

He said I should have said if I was bothered not covered it up, he doesn't like being lied to nor being taken for an idiot. I said I was a little annoyed but didn't want to ask.

He said I'm not cut out for a LDR. I said I am but I I obviously need to see someone sometimes.

He started saying it's obvious I can't handle it, we aren't right together etc so he will say goodbye.

I feel so shit, the comment was a bit snidey but he makes no effort to see me. I don't want to keep asking.

I said if he doesn't want me I don't want to talk to him. He said that's fine, wished me well and off he went.

I just feel like I'm always made out to be the bad person and now feel even more unsure of what I've done.

@bangheadhere40, I imagine others are feverishly typing the same thing I am about to say but. ... YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! ! He quite clearly wanted to shift things over to you so he can convince himself he's done nothing wrong. I know it's easy for us to say as we're not feeling what you are at the moment but he wasn't the right one for you. Sending a virtual hug because I know how it can feel when something you have invested a lot of time and effort in goes pear shaped. And particularly when they try to turn things round to cover up their own rubbish behaviour and attitude.

@JeSuisPrest, fantastic news. Always great to hear of someone finding a special connection and feeling that it has potential.

Thanks onesmallstep. He has made it out like I've caused this and he's doing it for me.

Just as I typed this a dvd came through he had sent. I messagedhim saying thanks and does he want me to leave him alone. He said he thinks that's for the best and sorry.

I'm absolutely gutted to be honest, how he can go from being so nice and planning things to disregarding me as I just want a bit of effort.

@bangheadhere40 I couldn't have said it better than @Onesmallstep67 did.

Take care of yourself

Jesuis that is a fantastic update and what you deserve. I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat for you.

Sorry to keep posting I just can't stop crying.

I'm honestly feeling like because of how I "so called acted" I've blown this. He's managed to make me feel I've done this by expressing what I want, and turned it round to say I can't handle it.

I feel like I've ruined everything ☹

@bangheadhere40 if something is good it can't be ruined by you being direct about what you want. It wasn't meeting your needs. And this man is never going to do that. It seems like he is happy having an emotional affair with you. If I remember the relationship with his ex was overly cosy and complications over who actually had the kids.

I honestly believe you are grieving for the relationship you wanted with this man. Not the relationship you had. Or were ever going to have.

Put yourself in his shoes. A man you really like and want to be in a relationship with said he'd like to see you and was disappointed you didn't seem to prioritise seeing him. Would you tell him he was being unreasonable and that his behaviour has ruined everything. Or would you apologise and work out when you could see him?

Now he wants you to feel bad. Reset your expectations to incredibly low. Feel like you can't push him to actually meet you. And be massively grateful when he is in touch with you again. Don't take his crumbs.

@bangheadhere40 Oh sweetheart, have a virtual hug. Read rule 12. Why did a simple conversation turn into him over reacting so much? You only wanted him to spend his free night with you. Really that's not asking too much. Surely he should want to spend time with you. He's turning this all round on you like you are some hysterical female making unreasonable demands. You're absolutely not.

As they say look at how they treat you, not what they say - he may have been using terms of endearment, but he seems to be punishing you now which is quite cruel.

Try and keep busy, binge watch something, clear out a cupboard, archive the chat and don't check your phone every 2 minutes.🌻

@bangheadhere40 couldn't agree with the others more. He has manipulated the situation and turned it on you. FWIW it's not easy to put yourself out there and ask for things you need in a relationship but there's also nothing wrong with it.
Post as much as you like and feel free to PM me also.

Hi notcool thank you for taking the time to reply.

He said it was my snidey comment that was the problem...and that I lie without being honest about what I want. To be fair I have tried to be honest in the past and nothing changes, says he understands but does nothing about it, so I probably did lose my cool slightly.

I am grieving for what I thought it could be rather than what it is.

For him to so cruelly and dismissively just let me go though just hurts after everythinghe has said to me. As stupid as it sounds I spoke to him about everything and truly felt like he was my best friend. I feel like I've lost a friend rather than a potential boyfriend.

I know I could have never done that with him, at least its done now I suppose.

Thank you all for bring so nice to me, I really appreciate it x

To quote he said he can deal with irrational but not being lied to or taken for an idiot.

He then said he had zero interest in the conversation when I tried to discuss nicely.

@bangheadhere40 I'm just echoing everyone else in saying that you have done nothing wrong and you aren't the one who has ruined it. It is 100% him and his fault. Of course you would want to see him and he sound have wanted to see you on his one child free evening. Especially when you haven't seen each other in months.
Hold your head up high as you are worth so much more than him and what he could offer you

@bangheadhere40, some really spot on analysis as always from others. Please don't turn your mind inside out with questioning everything you said or did. He wouldn't have walked away over what appears to be a relatively minor issue of when you could have seen each other. He was already quite far down the path of calling it a day. You may never know why. But he's not worth your tears. I agree with notcoolmum, you are grieving the relationship you wanted it to be and not the one you had.

You have done nothing wrong other than giving him a chance he didn't deserve @bangheadhere40

So he's called you irrational and a liar. Charming.

notcool...it was basically meant that if I'd have said I wanted to see him he could deal with that ( even though apparently irrational).

It's the lying and covering up I wasn't too bothered that takes him for an idiot.

I know you are all right, thank you.

@bangheadhere40 You are not the sole custodian of the relationship with this guy. He wanted it all on his own terms and didn't want to take any responsibility. I'm really sorry for how you feel right now, but he hasn't reacted maturely, lovingly or even kindly towards you here. You absolutely do not deserve that and I hope you can avoid torturing yourself for this.