Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@bangheadhere40 so is he saying you're irrational, covering up and lying because you didn't clearly spell out that you wanted to see him when he finally had some free time??
If that's the case then he's clearly just twisting the context to make himself feel better because you've called him out on something he should have and probably did know anyway. Sorry to say but it sounds like he never had any intention of doing so and is now making you feel bad to deflect.
Absolutely twattish breadcrumbing. I know you're upset now, but at least you've finally seen him what he is
Block and delete.

Thanks both.

Yes Ant that's exactly it unfortunately....after saying how much he did want to see me. He even said last week how he can't wait for us to get a child free night together, and then because I did vaguely call him out I'm dishonest, can't say what I want etc and I'm not cut out for it.

He made out like he's doing this for me as well as he cares and doesn't think it's good for me.

It's the way he is portraying himself as such a nice person thinking of me that hurts. I also even feel like he was testing me to see if I would react, and i failed!

Because the next day he said he thinks I'm pissed off because he didn't see me.

@jesuisprest I love your update. Just sounds lovely and makes me feel all warm 🥰

@Bangheadhere40 I'm really sorry that its turned out like this. As usual great advice from everyone which i will also take on board, it's not your fault but so hard to take especially when he's being horrid.

I am in the same boat today, my iron didnt turn up last night. We hadnt arranged a time, he said hed call me in the morning, but just sent a quick text, then a text later to say hed had a mad day and would be home later than planned but would call me about plans when he got home. that was at 4pm and havent heard from him since. A message I sent in the evening to say I was disappointed hasnt been delivered. Like you bang I'm so upset, but I know its about the relationship that could have been. I made it clear I needed to see him more and that I'd be making arrangements for my dd and if he couldnt do it then just say. it makes me feel like such a bad mum to arrange for her to be away for someone who wont even text to cancel. it's just plain rude too tbh. I dont want to block, I know he will have some sort of excuse, and I'd like to hear and try and put a close to it like an adult. I wish he would message me so I could get it over with.

I think I knew this would happen I just wanted to give him a proper chance. if he'd been held up at work etc then fair enough but I'd still have expected a text. I feel like if he makes a grand gesture then I will probably be swayed. but I cant get a text so what's the likelihood of a grand gesture?! wishful thinking.

the only other old iron I talk to who is more a friend now (occasionally sexual) knew I was supposed to be meeting him and was really nice and text all night when he realised he wasnt gonna show.

he confuses me too, we get on really well and he says all the stuff he'd like to do to me ☺️ but doesnt want to date and discusses his other irons with me. so while I do really like him, even as a friend, their is still a niggle in the back of my mind. I know that's how some people are, I think I just never understood it. if I didnt want a relationship with someone I wouldnt continue to talk/do intimate things with them. I wonder what's wrong with me that I'm good enough to chat and fantasise over but not date 😥.

Sorry to go on...just remembered something that happened months ago. He was reluctant to give me his number "why did I need it". I said because we are friends and it's normal to swap numbers.

He gave it eventually but then said I was very manipulative, and manipulated him into giving me it, and he doesn't like that side of me. He made me feel bad, again.

I just feel like he's almost conditioned me into expecting nothing, I couldn't question him at all etc.

I don't think he will ever be in touch again which is probably a good thing.

Sorry crazycat...that's extremely rude on his part and very disrespectful. You have done nothing wrong x

I'm sorry you are also upset....I feel like that too, okay to talk to, fantasize about things but not date.

@crazycatlady20 that's unforgivable. This is the same one who vanished for a week? Do not give him another chance. You are good enough. But you have to believe that and show that by reacting to how you are treated. Please read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Please.

@banghead he is not a nice man. He is gaslighting you so that you are grateful for crumbs. You deserve the whole cake.

@Notcoolmum yes the same one.

I will speak about myself here although it may resonate with others. I think most of us know what a good relationship looks like and feels like but when you can't seem to find it it can sometimes cause you to settle for less, make excuses or tell yourself that it'll do for the time being/ may get better/ some attention fills the space left by not having a significant other. I know I kid myself that things will improve. But at the same time I am tying myself up emotionally, wasting time on something when I could actually be looking for someone who truly works for me and my life. Those of you who frequently recommend it will be pleased to hear that I ordered my copy of Mr Unavailable yesterday

Hi all!

I'm wondering if anyone would mind giving me an opinion on my old profile? I used to post on here a few years ago and got mixed opinions, but my heart wasn't really in it at the time. Lockdown has really highlighted to me that as a mid 30s guy, I really need to pull my finger out a bit.

I can send a link to my pof profile via pm if anyone would take a look? I hope you don't mind but I "borrowed" the title of the thread as it was so good!

Is that you RDN?

@bangheadhere40 there's only one person being manipulative and it definitely isn't you!

"I don't think he will ever be in touch again" ???? I wouldn't even have that as an option, block and delete. There is nothing else you need to hear from him

@crazycatlady20 probably a bit hypocritical of me to say but let's excuse it as hindsight ... the last 12 months has shown me that flaky and unreliable at the start unfortunately doesn't go away.

Oh and @JeSuisPrest lovely update, chuffed for you 👌

God what awful behaviour from some of these blokes. Really don’t take this to heart, they are not nice people and it’s true better to see this side sooner rather than later! No more chances for either of them please!

Lovely update JeSuis

I spent last night with Mr R, we got a takeaway, watched a film played some games and then went to bed. We are bubbled as a couple and had the exclusive chat/this is now a relationship but it wasn’t a long chat about it just really - yes we like each other and do we both want the same? No future plans - which is good!
Still learning a lot about each other sexually (was only our second time) and getting the timings right 😂 he seems to spend a lot of time on me to begin, then he’s got over excited and then I want to DTD, but he’s not ready again, but we were able to laugh it off in a fun easy going way and everything was great. Except for sometimes I open my eyes from being asleep, and he’s staring at me 😂and then tells me I’m beautiful and I am like laughing at him to stop staring at me and being soppy.

He told me yesterday he doesn’t think he’s ever really experienced what it’s like to be happy and comfortable with someone like we are. He doesn’t talk about his ex very much at all FYI, rarely. But he said they were happy at times, but he looks back now and realised that he lost himself a lot in trying to make someone else happy. This is why he is a bit shy and unconfident, and I think overly smitten now because he feels like he can be himself. I don’t seem to have this difficulty anymore, I have ‘found myself’ and am pretty confident so we are quite different in this respect and time will tell if his insecurities vs lack of mine will be compatible. I do sometimes find the smitten kitten stuff (staring at me) a bit silly and OTT but I don’t want to hurt his feelings too much so I usually humour him a bit then change the topic. He also doesn’t do it all the time usually only in bed 😂

Lovely updates @Menora and @JeSuisPrest.

@bangheadhere40 he was being manipulative cockwomble. I totally agree with the others. Block and delete. But be kind to yourself.

Thanks cheesecake. This has just hit me really hard, he's been there for months to talk to about things. I need to get a grip but I'm not sure how. I will really miss speaking to him...he's always said he would never just 'stop speaking to me', as he knows that upsets me, now he has done just that.

I can see what he has been like and I am reading these and taking on board, it's helping. I just can't help feeling so sad, I wish I could.

Plus the intimate chats we have had...I honestly feel like we had something. I can't remember which poster said their iron had chatted to them all night about personal stuff and helped. I will miss him so much...he's been such a help to me along with the bad bits.

menora good news about your iron.

@JeSuisPrest lovely update! Made me feel all warm and fuzzy for you!

Mr Aussie is still front runner out of my (limited) irons. We have a date on Friday, and had a lovely chat on the phone yesterday.

I have a returner, Mr Nice, who is almost TOO nice, but I've arranged a date with him although it's not for another 2 weeks yet so every chance that will fizzle out beforehand.

@bangheadhere40 don't beat yourself up for feeling sad about it and missing him, course you will even though he's shown himself to be a manipulative knob.
I'm fine about things being over with MissH, doesn't mean I don't miss her. You can't walk away from something having emotionally invested and just draw a line in the sand and not be affected by it.
Just look after yourself and keep busy but at the same time don't ignore or try and block how you're feeling, that's not healthy.
Just keep posting on here and we'll keep telling you what a prick he was 🤣 and how much better you can do 😉

Thanks Ant..you guys have really helped me today. I would have normally caved and messaged but I'm not going to. It won't achieve anything, except a reply that makes me feel even worse.

@bangheadhere40 and you will get that again, it just means your search isn't over yet.

I can't remember who was asking about hinge a few pages back, but I use that and I do find there are much fewer time wasters. I think mostly because its target audience is people who want to settle down. In that sense, I also find the quality better (in that I have had 0 dick pics on there or clear nutters like on POF or people just wanting to hook up like on tinder). That being said, there are much fewer users, so I am also on tinder. What I do find useful useful with hinge, as you only get so many likes per day, you don't spend hour swiping and it also means people have to be choosy, so they can't just like everyone in the hope of getting a match, like tinder.

Had date 3/4 with Mr Snake last night, was a little worried about going but went anyway, had a good time but he’s still a little full on with the “I miss you” messages today, keeps asking if he can see me today but I have told him “no”.

@bangheadhere40 choosing to walk away from something that isn't working doesn't mean you don't get to be sad it's ok to be sad and to miss the good times.

It doesn't reflect badly on you for seeing the good in him. Just on him for manipulating you.

Hi @Lovemusic33 sorry I've missed out on this story, do you mean this is your 3rd date ( from 4 different people) or you have 4 planned dates with Mr Snake and this was number 3?
Has he been this keen from the start?
I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't sound like you are on the same page just yet

@Dan88Bourne I'm happy to look at your profile if you like.