Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@JeSuisPrest not rich DN, but I posted around the same time that he was active on the boards

cheese it’s our 3rd proper date but have seen him 4 times (the other time was very briefly so not really a date), he’s been very keen from the start saying he feels like he’s known me for ages, asking to see me more, if I tell him I’m going out somewhere he will ask if he can meet me there, saying he misses me etc..etc.. , I did try and tell him to calm it down a little and explained that I’ve been single for a long time and I want to take things slow but he’s like an excited puppy.

@Lovemusic33 ah I see. Have you been talking to a while to him online or something? It just seems a bit full on.

@Lovemusic33

Maybe it’s my introvert side but that would personally upset me a bit - I think I’d feel pressurised by all the messages and like I was just a “thing” to be latched onto rather than a person in my own right

(Disclaimer: I REALLY don’t like lots of chatting/contact at first so I’m that end of the social to antisocial spectrum)

Hmm I'm not really sure about my iron/potential date. I'm not giving her a name until I am more sure. She seems really nice, is very attractive, we have a lot in common but the conversation doesn't flow. At first I thought she just wasn't that into me, so I started to retreat (it was a case of, I ask a question,she answers it, I ask another etc. But she never initiated conversation or asked any questions about me). Then I didn't message since last night and today she just messaged saying what she did today. No questions or anything. I followed up her message with a question about one of the activities and I made a subtle hint that my plans had changed today as well. But she just answered the question and that was that. It feels a bit self absorbed that I'm even thinking this, because I really am interested in getting to know her, but she doesn't seem remotely interested in getting to know me. And if she wasn't that interested in me, why would she just send me a message out of the blue like that and respond to all my messages?

@Cheesecakeaddict

Have you spoken on the phone or got a date set up yet?

Forgot how much fun Mr producer is, we've had dinner and a bottle and a half of wine just li at being to music and chatting

@Bunkbedpeople no, it was more of a casual "let's organise something" but then didn't 🤷‍♀️

cheese no, not at all, we were only chatting for a week before meeting. We do have a lot in common, I guess I look at the world a bit differently than most people and so does he, I find it hard to find my type of person so it was nice to find someone similar but I’m also not a social butterfly and I like my own space, I’m still unsure if I want to be in a relationship with him (Or anyone) and I can’t see it working long term as he’s juggling 2 kids with 2 different women whilst I have my dc’s 6 days a week. I like spending time with him but longterm I don’t think it’s going to work. I just want to enjoy meeting up occasionally without all the emotional stuff he’s throwing at me.

@Lovemusic33 it does sound like a lot of emotions on his part very soon and I get why you would be put off him intecting himself into your life constantly, so early on. It may just be that he's lonely and just over invested in another adult who is seemingly interested in him.
How old are his kids? (this might be an indicator as to whether he is prone to rushing in. If he has 2 kids to 2 different women within a relatively short amount of time, this will tell you how quickly he went from one relationship with a child, to a second one).

Cheese he has been single a while, his eldest child is 11 and lives with him, the other is 2 years old, I don’t know the details of the 2nd child, I’m guessing they broke up before the child was born, he has contact with the child. He tells me he’s been single for 2 years. He seems totally into me but that scares me a little as my ex was like this (moved very fast, told me how amazing I was) and he ended up being abusive and was cheating on me so obviously I wasn’t that amazing.

CheesecakeAddict I come across this with some men online.. I only put up with a couple of days of it and then times up! To me it just reeks of not being that interested so I don’t waste any more of my time on them! It shouldn't be that difficult to have a two way conversation in my opinion.

#cheesecakeAddict No, this is not enough communication.

#Lovemusic33 Walk away. Two ex’s. A very small toddler. This man shifts around. You are right to feel very dubious. Xx

So many women (and I will speak for the women for now) accepting far less than they should. And some quite frankly abusive online behaviour. Walking away as many of us know hurts terribly but we barely know these online men. Please stay strong. If it is feeling uncomfortable or not enough then it truly is not enough..🧚🏼‍♂️

How do you all deal with irons that are hot and cold?
Mr Yoyo has gone cold again, I'm now remembering why I stopped talking to him months ago.
It's frustrating as he does seem like a 'nice' guy but one minute he's keen and messaging loads and the next he's not responding for days.

I'm tempted to just block him and be done, but not sure if that's a bit harsh and my expectations are too high?

bangheadhere late to the party here but ant is right, he's a prick. And I'll add to the echoes of you can do so so much better. I know it hurts and you won't be able to see for yourself yet just how appallingly he's treated you but you'll look back on this in time and wonder why the hell you put up with it. Promise! He's projecting his own shitty behaviour on to you and has been way oversensitive about the not meeting on his child free night because he knows full well that it would have been expected that you'd meet. You're not being dishonest by not stating the bloody obvious, of course you'd want to meet if you're both so desperate to see each other.
Jesuis so happy to read your update! Enjoy it, you absolutely deserve it.
Dan I don't have pof but happy to look at a screenshot via pm, we're a similar age.

@Lovemusic33 it sounds like he is always trying to push your boundaries. Reminds me of @Menora 's Mr M.

How are you doing today @bangheadhere40

@30somethingandstillsingle when he comes back does he apologise or acknowledge why he hasn't been around? Are you exclusive? I don't think it's expecting too much to have contact every day but I wouldn't block someone without giving them a chance to apologise and/ or explain themselves as to me that feels too much like ghosting.

This behaviour is just really shitty. Mr R was hot and cold in the beginning but he didn't go days without contacting me - more like 24 hours - 2 or 3 times - and it made me feel so insecure. Thinking about rule 12 I told him it wasn't acceptable, we had a conversation, and a year on it isn't a problem. If it had gone on for too long then I would've had to have end it.

Hi notcool thanks for asking.

I'm okay ( I think)...a mixture of being upset and missing him, relief that I don't have to put up with the uncertainty and how insecure he made me feel, and also angry towards him and towards myself for being so stupid and gullible.

@Lovemusic33

He does sound like Mr M. I don’t remember him actually listening to what I was saying to him, because it only mattered to him how he felt, not how I felt about it unless I was validating his feelings. I kind of felt like I got swept up with all about what he wanted and not what I wanted.

Yes it’s nice to hear how amazing you are blah blah and this is why it is called love bombing and it’s confusing. Saying these things to you he could be projecting what he thinks you want to hear, to get the response he’s looking for. It’s like when a salesman is trying to make a sale for commission and is telling you that It’s a one of a kind item you will never find again there is still an ulterior motive

If someone’s praise is you isn’t backed up by any respect of your feelings or wishes then it is false. How can someone think you are completely perfect and amazing but not listen to your feelings or respect your boundaries. These people are often dangerous to themselves in all honesty as they can’t seem to see the lines between what they want and need and what someone else wants and needs

@bangheadhere40 don't be angry with yourself. You gave someone you liked a second chance. And now you know for certain he isn't the one for you. But you won't be looking back and wondering what if as you have it a go.

@bangheadhere40 i can imagine it's really hard at this point but each day will feel a tiny bit better.

I saw someone a few times but there didn't seem to be much affection there and I felt like a pal rather than anything else. I raised this and he just shut me down and then cut me off. I was/am really sad about it but I think drink was a huge factor too, which is stupid as my ex is an alcoholic so I don't know why I ignored the red flags just because he seemed a lovely bloke and we had regularly spoken for hours. My friends think I had a lucky escape but I am grieving for the relationship I thought it could have been rather than what it was. It really hurts but I'm hoping each day will feel a bit better.

There's some tough reads on here at the moment with irons letting people down and manipulating the situation so some of the 'blame' is defected back onto you. Please don't let that be the case. Please make sure you realise it is their issue and absolutely no reflection upon you.
No particular developments here. Mr Wanker resurfaced on Friday evening and was apologetic, asking if we could start over. I just sent one brief message saying that no that wouldn't be possible, he'd completely overstepped the mark and that for his own good he shouldn't do anything like that again. Then blocked and deleted.
Mr Van is due over this afternoon. Going to see how things go in the next couple of weeks but generally I would like to see a bit more overt affection from him. Sexually things are good. Did someone say yesterday that they didn't like being too touchy feely? It's not a deal breaker with him but something needs to crank up a bit soon.
Mr Cocky is messaging lots. He told me a lot more detail of what is happening with his family and it's not great. So I am going to focus on being his friend. I am going to have to think of a reason for not being on whatsapp later as he messages me currently about 50+ times a day.

There used to be someone who posted on here really regularly until a couple of months ago but left abruptly at a difficult time . I was wondering how she is. Should I try PM ? I am never sure of the etiquette. I guess if she wanted to return she would do.