Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

The more you post about Cocky the more I dislike him! 50+ times a day and you being his therapist - how fun for you. Don’t have to think up any excuse just don’t open the messages!

@onesmallstep67 I think that's a kind thing to do. I'm on a longrunning thread in housekeeping and when I vanished for a bit people sent pms to ask how I was. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to reply.

Exactly @Menora Mr Cocky wouldn't think twice of doing that to you @Onesmallstep67 you aren't responsible for fixing him.

I've messaged people I've been worried about. At worst they can ignore you. I think it's nice to be concerned.

Sorry to hear that @Eesha The could have been a can be very difficult.

Mr B has just left. I've found myself hating it more and more when he leaves. I have two teenagers though so him being around more isn't an option. Pre kids I think we'd be more or less living together. Funny how relationships change according to our life stages. Right now it feels like my kids are the parents setting boundaries!!

Yeah been thinking about my kids too, I haven’t had Mr Return near the house when any DC home we have only sat in my garden once and they were out. Mine are too old to get attached to anyone but this time it’s got to go a lot slower so we are either hanging out at his house when his kids are with their mum or in a park or something so only 1-2 times a week and still making do with video chats. I am happy with this level I don’t want any more right now. I think he would see me more, but his circumstances are different to mine he’s on furlough and with his DC 6 days a week who go to bed at 8am, he has no adult company I am at work all day and week and my DC go to bed later than me! So I have less free time to myself and really loving keeping it that way

8pm not AM!

Thanks @Notcoolmum, I think I struggle with closure, I can't bear when things are left hanging. I've been really tempted to text but tbh our last interraction was me asking whether I should leave and he said yes. He knew I was upset so I just feel he should have been the one to reach out to me somehow. I know it can't go anywhere because of the drink but it just saddens me.

It's not just the drink is it though @Eesha it's his behaviour. He shut you down and closed you out. Put your efforts into someone that doesn't behave like that towards you.

Mr Producer just left, was a great night, I cooked dinner, we listened to music, we drank far far too much wine. DTD ended up a bit wild. We were seriously hungover this morning and after lots of lazing about had a much more gentle time.

He's not wanting to get involved with anyone and he knows of Mr Tea and Ms Jam so we are not labelling anything or going to be anything other than FWB and if we happen to have a weekend free at the same time, we can hang out. I like his company we laugh a lot, talk a lot about music and are compatible DTD so it's all good.

I'm sad to hear about the shitty behaviour some of you are on the receiving end of. I guess in my heart I know this is the reason I don't go into a traditional relationship, keeping it FWB means I don't get my heart shredded again. It sometimes makes me sad that I do this, but no one makes me feel special at all.

@Notcoolmum i feel a bit too thin skinned for things generally. I really opened up in this situation, felt really happy and then it all went pearshaped.

Just lost a post about Mr Cocky ! Suffice to say I do hear what you are saying and I know you are right. It won't go on this way for much longer because I already feel I am back in a place I don't feel is good for me.
I will PM the person that went missing and hopefully be reassured that they are doing okay.

@Eesha I understand. I'm so much more cynical and frosty than I used to be. Ready to walk away at the slightest thing rather than run the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes I have no idea how Mr B puts up with me!

Eesha it’s really hard grieving for what it may have been and I think you are not thin skinned but slightly vulnerable, can you try to take sometime out for yourself and heal a little maybe before you go back to OLD, or maybe just look for friendship for now?

Is this a type situation where a lot of irons you are attracted to are slightly troubled or unavailable (this has been me you see) I think I would feel so hurt as I had revealed parts of my vulnerable self only for it to go wrong

the counselling I had helped hugely with that. It isn’t that I don’t trust people, but I’ve now put a lot of my feelings and bad experiences on a high shelf instead of a low one where everyone can see them. They are mine and belong to me and important but they aren’t part of me as a person they don’t define me, also the only people who have access rights granted to them are people close to me when it’s relevant - I’ve not told Mr R much of them, I don’t think I’m ready and I want to protect them for longer. They aren’t going anywhere and once you open those boxes you can’t close them again!

@Menora i have only been on about 6 dates in 2.5years now, but with one long term FWB in between. A friend said I might be attracted to damaged sorts and I really hope that's not the case. I did notice I feel this compulsion to make things work/almost like if only I'm good enough, they will stay/Will be ok/not drink/be kind. Whereas any of my friends would have walked away at the first sign on stress.

It’s good to recognise that - what is attracting you to the guys you get emotionally involved with? Is it emotionally or sexually intimate fairly quickly? What do they all have in common? And if you recognise the feelings it’s invoking then yes it could be that you try to make things work/excuses for them because it is tied to how you feel about yourself.

It was no so long ago I was making 10990 excuses for Mr M and people were telling me they could see it. But I couldn’t? And certainly it was about how I wanted it to work because I have always wanted a ‘real family’. I’ve never been married, my parents and childhood was crap and not like a family then I have raised 2 kids for 12+ years alone. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to have what everyone else has. Why didn’t anyone want a family with me?

@menora i never slept with any of these men but I think what attracted me to the last one was that he was very eloquent, his communication style was brilliant and he really engaged with me. I felt wanted, without any game playing, we were very much in tune. But after a couple of dates, it felt like there was a lack of physical stuff even though there was at the start. It was like he wanted a companion rather than anything more. We loved our conversations but I just needed something more.

@Menora your last two sentences really resonated with me. I've felt the same. I just want a normal, boring relationship like my friends have. Someone To come home to and share my life with.

This is why I think I do go for men who have small DC because I feel comfortable in this role. I have a career and those skills but I also just always wanted a ‘normal’ family, I don’t actually mind joining in with someone else’s! Not as mum but just as a large extended family. But it never works out like that!

@menora @notcoolmum I'm the same, I want to share my life and do the boring stuff. I think I'm in a rush to get to that point. I dont want to see someone once a fortnight etc.

I've still not heard from mr big who stood me up on fri. last heard from him 4pm fri, my message of 9pm fri has now been read but still no contact. if this was someone I'd just started chatting to I'd move on but we've spoke on/off for months and he def knew I wanted more, I brought it up a few times recently and he said hed like the same. i just cant get my head around why he didnt have the balls to say no.

no-one is chatting on apps and I really need a distraction at least.

I miss the beta version I had of this app where I could read the posts from one person on a thread. Made it much easier to keep up. @crazycatlady20 this is the guy that lost his phone? Try not to think of the time you have invested. Try and think of how much more time you could waste continuing to give him chance after chance.

@StealthNinjaMum
No no, have t even met him! We chatted on fab at the beginning of lockdown, he came on a bit strong with his messages so I stopped answering, back in touch again, this time through Tinder, he's hot one minute and then cold the next.
I've taken this as a sign of things to come and unmatched him on Tinder and un friended on fab. An hour later and he's messaging again apologising and saying he's been busy etc. It's a shame as he has potential but I'm not going to chase him.

@30somethingandstillsingle left wouldn't have anything to do with a hot and colder. Inconsistency is a problem. I'm not meaning a day here or there but nothing for ages and then loads....nah

@crazycatlady20 because he's a dick. There's no other reason. Whatever he has to say now it was reprehensible behaviour. I wouldn't bother waiting for or looking for closure from him

Menora I’m the opposite and usually try and find men with older kids or no kids, the fact Mr Snake has a 2 year old is very off putting, maybe because I’ve done the step parent thing before, had to deal with the ex hanging around and controlling things. My kids are 14 and 16 so I’m at the end of having the responsibility and the contact with ex. I love kids but don’t want the hassle that comes with young kids anymore, I can see freedom getting closer now mine are older.

I had a day to myself today, Mr Snake messaged several times trying to get me to meet up with him, offering to drive to me. If he is trying to love bomb me he isn’t getting very far.

@Lovemusic33
I could not agree more having one teen and one grown up . Part of my criteria is no kids and understanding that I have them , or same age or older just makes things easier when dating and finding time to see them etc

I think I don’t really want freedom or am looking forward to that point. People ask me a lot surely don’t I want to go off travelling? No I don’t. I have a 16 and 17 yo, I love my house my dog and being at home or doing really boring normal things. I am not getting along with 17yo right now at all and sometimes I think she’s far more challenging than anyone’s little 3 year old child