Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

Half an Oz of weed costs around £100 give or take a tenner either side by the way. He sounds absolutely vile. Sending you strength and looking forward to hearing about your journey to a happier life.

What exactly is stopping you telling him to leave?

How are you doing OP?

"I feel like I've been groomed by him"

Yes, you have been. Read the Hennessey book in particular to understand how.

Don Hennessy
The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets into Her Head

www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Lundy Bancroft
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=lundy+bancroft&sprefix=lund&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1583070784&sr=8-1

I havent read the entire thread only to page 3, but just wanted to mention something as you've said one of your children is 3 and you are wfh.

As a single parent, as long as your income is below a certain threshold (think it might be 60k), you can get 85% of your childcare costs back via universal credit. Nurseries are open again now so dont be too put off by the costs. Theres also 30 hours per week funding for 3 year olds places. So look into what you would be entitled to claim. I have kids a similar age and know I could not wfh effectively with them here!

Good luck, he sounds vile!

Thanks so much for the reading recommendations and for the advice. I'm doing OK, focussing on my boys. Things are back to normal again but this is all part of the cycle - I am so relieved that the tension and hostility have eased that I just slip back into acceptance and behaving like nothing is wrong until the next time and each time I return to greater depths of self loathing.

I have reached out to a solicitor for legal advice and to a counsellor to help me with ending the relationship. I have set myself a deadline of October half term. I hate that I am so afraid.

Thanks for everyone's input, even those with words that were hard to swallow.

Hi OP have just read this thread. Really pleased you're taking steps to end the relationship. It must be tough feeling so afraid to end it. Are your parents supportive? If it's so difficult to tell him in person could you and the kids get out of the way at your parents and tell him via email/text to pack up and leave? Or speak to the domestic abuse unit with the police to ask about him being escorted out?

I'm concerned things will escalate again and you'll be in the same position. Hope you can find your inner warrior soon to get the strength to end this. x

@MizzogMe

What are you waiting for? Why leave it until October? You're far from financially or practically dependent upon him, and he's plenty of his own money to get himself set up. Why would you leave it?

Please go back and re-read your own posts in this thread.

I don't see a happy future. I worry about the impact on my boys of being in this toxic atmosphere.

I should kick him out.

It is paralysing me.

Yes, my boys do deserve better.

I don't really recognise myself and all that I tolerate.

I can't bear the thought of causing my sons to suffer.

He's never offered to get a job

he offered to lend me some money [LEND!? FUCKING LEND?!?!]

they are scared of him

He asks me why daddy is always grumpy on sundays.

Any conflict leads to days of silent and not so silent anger.

The idea of him not living here anymore is absolute bloody bliss.

I've agreed with him to avoid rows and unpleasantness (for me and the kids) rather than because I agree.

I am scared to cross him.

[the following is a Really Big One:]
Most people who know us have wanted me to leave him for years.
[that is incredibly telling!]

I must do it. I must get him out.

Yes, he is causing so much suffering.

my Mum said he would wreck my relationship with them

whenever I complain of his treatment of me, he always turns it around

he took their games away again and left them crying on the floor, not understanding what they'd done wrong

I understand this is what some abusers do now.

by trying to protect them in other ways than evicting my partner I have been part of the problem.

I hate how servile I've become.

I just feel like I've failed at protecting my children from him

Do not forget these things - which you said - when you feel yourself slipping back into the cycle for a quiet life. It is NOT worth it. The cycle ALWAYS continues, and I know you understand that deep down.

Do not get complacent because it's quiet right now.
Do not forget the pain and anger he continually causes you and your children.

Get this money grubbing, good for nothing, child frightening, weed smoking, tight arsed, overbearing, lazy, selfish, mean, unreasonable, gaslighting, cocklodging bellend out of your house as soon as possible.

They advise you keep a written record of everything, obviously in a safe place. It'll help you separate the thoughts he's planting in your mind versus what you know really happened. It should help keep you same. Use here too to give you support.
Remember, he knows your mind better than you plus how to pull your strings. So, he'll probably sense you changing and starting to pull again. Be prepared for it to ramp up and escalate before it gets better. It's such a cushy number he has with you, he'll be loath to let it go easily.
Maybe research grey rock to help you get through the next six months.
Good luck

Don't wait - it will build up and by October you will either be totally wound up with anxiety or you will have talked yourself out of it by minimising his behaviour.

I agree with people above- a shitty, shouty, walking in eggshells is awful for kids. I am lucky that I am strong but my sister is on her 4th marriage- 3 were to awful awful men.
I chose not to get married until I met someone who was my equal, and I was really harsh with partner flaws. I hate conflict, will not argue with people and avoid conflicts- all from childhood.

Please boot him out pronto. You are in such a strong position

You aren't going to leave him are you OP?

This thread has brought back so many terrible memories for me.
I have been in your situation OP.
My kids no longer reacted when I was sobbing because I was so unhappy. And I refused to let that continue.

My kids have relaxed so much since I left (yes I had to leave as he refused & I literally started with nothing) - the nursery noticed the change within days of my youngest. My eldest who had had eating issues and was constantly anxious was like a different child & teachers also said they had noticed a change in him.

Their dad is a better dad because of it, in my opinion. He still has moments of trying to control stuff but I am in a much better place of being able to stick up for myself and tell him where to go.
Next step is divorce.

@763freedom did your children come with you or stay with their father? Thank you for sharing your experience.

@SnagAndChips I think that walking on eggshells is the worst part for the kids. I don't want them to have to live in a state of vigilance for their father's mood.

@Justtryingtobehelpful thanks for the tip on grey rock, I will research it. You are so right that he knows how to play me. I don't know how I have become so bound to him. Years of keeping the peace and taking too much responsibility for the harmony of our home, excusing bad behaviour etc.

@JWrecks thank you so much for reflecting back at me all these things I wrote and for so kindly making the effort to do so. I had October in mind because I've had to take a pay cut at work and should be on normal salary by then. I do feel that I will have to support him for a while after I ask for him to move out. He is financially dependent on me and despite having his own money I feel it is the right thing at the end of our long relationship.

@crystalize I am sure you are right, and thank you for your support. My parents don't realise how bad things have got. They don't live near, but tomorrow I'm going to see them (socially distanced) and explain to my Mum some of what the situation is. My Dad is shielded as he has cancer and other health issues.

I hate that I've accepted so much for so long.

Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive comments. I appreciate the opportunity to work on gathering strength and courage here and your encouragement is really helpful.

@JackiFazaki why would his weed dealer help him find accommodation?

Why do you feel you should support him financially? He has his inheritance that he can use and you and your children need your money. You owe him nothing - he had abused you and your children!

One of the things to keep a log of between now and October half term is who is doing what for the children- who books and attends dental and doctor appointments/ buys and labels school uniform / does the school runs / plans and takes them to after school activities / does homework and virtual learning etc. Is he actually a SAHD or a musician / stoner? Etc- What is reasonable and realistic for contact going forwards? Moving the child benefit might depend on who is actually eg paying for the Football club / uniform and buying the packed lunch materials Etc - is it actually him doing all of that?

I’m so sad for your children that despite owning your home and being perfectly entitled to kick this abusive stoner out, you haven’t yet done so and he continues to live with them. I very much hope you wake up to the damage that living like this will be doing to them and find the strength to kick him out before it’s too late.

You also seem a lot more hung up on what you feel you owe him compared to what you owe your kids. He’s an abusive arsehole who deserves everything gets if he’s out on his ear penniless. Your children don’t deserve what they’re stuck with while you worry about poor DH.

Thinking about it, what's he going to spend the money you give him on? He's into drugs at £100 a time (I hope I remember that correctly!) so however much you give him, he'll be blowing it all on that...

He will have burned through his inheritance by October, so you will feel obliged to bail him out even more. Every penny you waste on this deadbeat is taken straight out of your DCs future. Not to mention subjecting them to at least 5 more months of living in this awful situation. Stop being ‘fair’ to him!

Why should you support your abuser? He is an adult who can stand on his own 2 feet. Boot him out before he smokes through his inheritance

Tell him you no longer want drugs in the house so he has to give up smoking. When he doesnt, tell him to leave.

Tell him to leave OP.

I was married for nine years to a stoner. I met him when I was still a teen and a very messed up one at that. He was ten years older and I guess I was desperate for stability. Anyways long story short, had 4 dc with him.

Looking back I can see how utterly depressed I was throughout our marriage. I didn’t know it at the time. Off he would go to work and I would stay at home with 4 kids aged 5 and under. He would come home from work, have his joints and a bottle of cider and plonk himself in front of the tv. I had no adults to speak to and if I did manage to get a conversation out of him I’d end up having to repeat myself.

I remember once having to steal some nappies from the Tesco baby changing room after I went to buy some only for the card to decline...because my self ex spent our last £20 on weed. Between his tobacco smoking, weed smoking and litre bottle of cider a night, he was spending around £500 a month.

I am remarried now 9 years on. ExH has gone a bit funny over the years, becoming obsessed with conspiracy theories, flat earther and extreme religion. He thinks he is so ‘woke’. Something I tend to find a lot of long term drug users think.

Life for me got so much better from the moment we split up. The kids went from strength to strength, now they weren’t dealing with a miserable mother and their parents crap marriage.

Why do you feel the need to consult a solicitor if you are not married? You own the house and have no legal ties to him. It is you and your kids home. Please put your children 1st and tell him that the relationship is not working for you any more. No reasons are needed.

There’s no need for solicitor !
It’s your house, he doesn’t contribute financially
Solicitor would only get involved if
His name was on deeds or mortgage

He does neither, so no need for solicitor

If you really wanted him to leave now
You can. GO
No need for October

The pay cut ??
you will be £100 better off week plus the child benefit payment and also his food bill
That must be £150 a week saving

I think your scared of his reaction, let him bawl and shout so what.
Just take the kids out, tell him he must be gone by the time you come back
If not the police will be called.

Do not be scared of saying GO, your delaying the one thing you want!!
If you really want him gone, he’s a cock lodger who is emotionally abusive to you