Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

You can start to. get legal advice today. There is still time this afternoon.
Ring / email someone. Put it in motion now.

Child Benefit provides access to benefits and is taken as one of the indicators that he is primary parent so you do need to change that. Do it ASAP and just say if he wants pocket money for his weed and music he needs to earn it seeing as you are doing the bulk of the childcare and working full time!

You are both abusive to your kids. Him for starting it and you for letting it happen. I'm out of here.

@ITonyah good call. Your comment was incredibly unhelpful, not to mention rude. The difficulties of leaving abusive relationships are well-documented, and OP is here asking for help.

Please try and remember that there are real people behind the usernames, and see if you can't access a little compassion, or at the very least some common decency.

I am compassionate, to the OPs kids.

By staying with this man she is accepting his behaviour. The first thing a counsellor will ask grown up children who were abused is what the other parent did when it was going on.

@ITonyah i thought you said you were going? You seem to have missed the bit where, after years of gaslighting, OP is getting help and getting out. Off you pop.

Let's hope so.

My father was like this. I have also been left with life long issues and my brother is very much like him, moods and anger when he is challenged. I had to have counselling for years, not just to deal with that but also my anger at my mother for not leaving as at one point I hated her, which wasn't fair. My relationship with her is difficult though and not close really. I don't speak to my dad at all.

This will be damaging them, especially as they are witnessing some of it and on some level, blaming themselves for it.

It is very difficult but you know what has to happen

Thank you. I love my children immeasurably and do not want to be complicit in their damage any more. I recognise that in not challenging/standing up to what is going on up till now or by trying to protect them in other ways than evicting my partner I have been part of the problem. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with right now - I am afraid of the next step.

But I will make it.

Of course, I wasn't in any way meaning that you were doing this knowingly. My mum thought it helped by telling us to do what my dad wanted and she knew he was wrong, but it would make our lives easier. I get what she was saying but a bit of me died every time. As I got older it got a lot worse as I found my voice and wasn't prepared to sacrifice myself on the altar of his moods. My brother almost ended up in physical fights with him several times. It may get worse when the kids get older and start standing up to him, my father hated that.

I remember coming home from school with all As in my GCSE except one which was a C. I had struggled with that for years. He didn't congratulate me, just said, what happened to that one and pointed at the C. He refused to let my mum or grandparents take me out for dinner to celebrate because I hadn't tried hard enough. My granddad almost came to blows with him over it as he was so angry.

To this day moods and shouting make me cry and panic. I am not saying all of this to make you feel bad, but to remind you why you are leaving him.

My mum said she didn't realise how much she was constantly stressed about it and walking on eggshells till she split up with him.

As I got older it got a lot worse as I found my voice and wasn't prepared to sacrifice myself on the altar of his moods.

This really resonates with me - I anticipate this happening with my boys. They won't cow to him like I have, and they won't thank me for having 'managed' their father's bad moods. Why would/should they?

I hate how servile I've become.

They won't cow to him like I have, and they won't thank me for having 'managed' their father's bad moods. Why would/should they?

Or they will end up like him.

That's awful about your GCSE results - something that should have been celebrated like crazy!

It's the moods I can't stand and that are an act of control over all of us.

Mood swings are probably down to cannabis and it can cause depression too.

He also sounds extremely immature with his wanting you to take the kids out (where exactly when all this is going on) so he can get on with his ‘music making’.

I think he is emotionally abusing you and next time he says he’s moving out then help him pack his bags.

Good luck

Don't hate yourself.
Be glad that finally you are seeing things for what they are.
Courage calls to you

OP you are in an abusive relationship. I was in your position - also with a weed addict. I understand how it feels to actually WANT them to smoke so it stops their horrendous moods. Often, them smoking was a relief to me as they would lay off accusing me of cheating and other horrible things.

I do not blame you for any of this. You are just realising everything for what it is. I promise you that this is hurting your children, and they will be so much happier growing up without a constant negative presence over their heads. I love my dad, but if I had lived with him 24/7 I would be even more anxiety-ridden than I am now.

Please find the strength and be brave - call women's aid for support. I am so glad you are financially independent - you will be perfectly fine on your own. It will be a relief.

He’s not due anything from you, your not married.
The house is still yours, hope it’s just your name on deeds??
Probably the only thing you have to sort out is access to the children, with that you do what’s right for you & the boys.

You’ve no need to rush into things, you’ve put up with it for years so a few more weeks aren’t going to make much difference.

Thanks everyone for your support. Is this really an abusive relationship? I just feel like I've failed at protecting my children from him - I feel like I have allowed his rights as a father and his view of himself to become paramount in our home, and this is my fault for being weak and now I don't know how to muster the strength to get him out of our home.

I would say, yes, it is an abusive relationship. I would also say don't get hung up on labels and definitions.

He is not good for you nor for the children so you intend for him to go. It's that simple.

You haven't got a time machine. All you can do is reduce the number of days in the future that the children are subjected to this.

How would you go about ending the relationship and inappropriate funding of him? Can you imagine doing it and how the process would play out?

You can't change the past but you can change the future for you and your boys, it will be hard but it will be worth it.

Gather support around you, friends or family whoever you can rely on. Above all if he gets angry or aggressive you call the police. This is not an over reaction, he has gotten away with this for so long by brow beating you into submission. Show him that he's lost his power over you, if you need to have back up with you to tell him to leave then do that. You are in control of your own life, you don't owe him anything and he as trampled over your needs for long enough.

When things got hard for me I would bring up an image in my head, something as simple as sitting at my kitchen table, drinking tea and just being at peace. No one to tell me I was doing something wrong, or asking me why hadn't such and such been done yet.
Knowing that the stress I was going through was leading me to that freedom and above all peace got me through.

Make a list of practical steps that need to be done in order to get him to leave, then just one at a time get through each one. Baby steps makes it easier to manage. You can do this, your boys need you to do this!

You've had some great advice here OP and I really hope you are brave enough to kick him out very soon. If you have a wobble, just think about your DC. Sending you 💐