Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

Thank you. I think I'm going to ask him to move out.

I can't bear the thought of causing my sons to suffer.

He is entirely financially reliant on me. I can support him for a few months while he finds work etc.

Why would anyone admire an arsehole like this?

OP I suspect that like me, you were brought up to feel you didn't have the right to make decisions, so now it's hard for you to believe it's ok for you to walk away from emotional abuse.

But further than that, you can walk away from a relationship for any reason at all. You dont have to get the other person's permission.
A relationship should be a positive two way thing. If it's not, it is absolutely acceptable to leave it and go find happiness.

Thank you I definitely need to hear this. I feel like I am smothered in obligations to him. I've never told him I don't like him smoking weed around the home, I rarely confront him on his bullying (what he sees as strong leadership) and I've never insisted he get a job and have supported the family for 10 years. He's never offered to get a job even when I had our second son. I've had to take a pay cut during this rough period at work, and he offered to lend me some money from a recent inheritance to pay the bills. That's right - lend.

The people I know who use cannabis daily have bad tempers. I do think it affects your mood and can give you anger issues. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who does it.

Don't bother supporting him he can sign on and manage for himself he's a grown up.
He chose to be a bullying abusive arsehole that has stripped you of your self esteem.
Find your power for your sons and remove him from ever being able to be too harsh on them again.
They do not deserve to be brought up around this and I say this as someone who was brought up around it myself. The effects last a lifetime it's awful.
Kids are powerless and are scared when their parents are constantly arguing and know there is an imbalance of power between mum and dad in these situations.
Be brave for them if you feel you can't for yourself , you have got this! Demand he leaves and build the life you and your sons deserve

No I don't recommend it.

I would hope you agree that the abuse of your children as gone on for long enough. Far too long. Don't ask me to leave, tell him. He can sort out his own finances. Thank fuck you aren't married.

I also think you need to take a massive think as to why you have tolerated his drug use and not working. Why did you think this was acceptable?

Thank you so much for your caring and strong responses. I think seeing this through the lens of my children's well-being is the key to this. I can't watch them be bullied, and I can't keep fighting for them not to be bullied. He has been a stay at home dad for their whole lives but they are scared of him. Not my 3 year old so much but my 10 year old for sure. He asks me why daddy is always grumpy on sundays. It's because I'm home and he doesn't think I parent strongly enough. But I've seen what he's like with them having been wfh for the last 11 weeks. He plonks them in front of the tv for a couple of hours when I start work and he sits in the garden looking at his phone!

Why would you need to support him if he has an inheritance?

How old are your boys? Could he claim to be the main carer if he is a stay at home Dad?

I hope you can get him to flounce at his own suggestion

I think I thought it was acceptable when we were younger and he never grew out of it. And to be honest, his smoking has calmed him down when his behaviour has been poor in the past. I'm not proud of that but it's true. He also is a massive cannabis apologist and listens to and reads a lot of material about cannabis positivity and I've found it hard to go against that. Any conflict leads to days of silent and not so silent anger.

Wait, he doesn't work, and he doesn't contribute towards the bills? And he "lent" you money from an inheritance when you couldn't pay the bills?

No wonder you've had enough of this relationship. You got 3 kids, not 2. I think it's time to let go of this dead weight. You could meet someone new who is a positive role model for your boys, who doesn't emotionally abuse you and smoke pot, who contributes financially and looks after you too.

If he has an inheritance then you don't need to support him to move out. He can manage on that. He is poncing off you.
I can't see anything that he brings to your family. I realise it is difficult for you, but you deserve better. He is grinding you down, and this is harming your sons. He sounds toxic. Bin him.

I think he could claim to be the main carer- but I am confident I could refute it. I've always done the entirety of anything out of the home.

I reckon you will be much happier on Your own, I’m sure your boys will be. Who wants a grumpy old dad?
You can be yourself, make all the decisions what goes on in your house without any arguments. Just think the peace.

What exactly does he bring to the house?
Ok, he looks after ds, I presume that school drop off and pick up?
Would you be able to do that? Or maybe he could still do it as he’s not working?
Any friends or family that could help with child care?

Just think
No more weed smell
No walking on eggshells
No dreading coming home , what mood he’s in
Bed to yourself
Basically just doing what you want when you want, you make the decisions what happens,

When he says that next time say
YES

Do not help him till he gets a job,
he only lent You money, for his family!!!!
Treat him like he treats you

He’s got HIS inheritance

Ohmagerrd, he doesn't even work! Is his excuse that he thinks he's going to make it as a musician full time? 10 years is to long to spend on that full time as a grown up without any fall back plan/extra income IMHO, especially if you have a family.

Well done on deciding to split with him- please follow through.

And if you ever date again, develop the powers of block and bin.

I'm not very assertive either, but it's so much easier now when you can do it at the click of a button, or say something about something you're not happy with via a message while they're elsewhere (which some people might disapprove of, but is so much easier if you're someone who doesn't find conflict easy or doesn't hold their own.)

And:-

Lend!!!11111

Bin him and then only have what contact you need for your DC.

Definitely tell him to move out. X

Only because it suits him, he doesn’t want to work.

I want to be more assertive I really do. I'm not like this at work!!

I hope he flounces of his own accord.

It's the guilt I find so hard - he behaves like I have let him down so badly. And I feel guilty that I've been dishonest about my feelings, swallowing things to avoid unpleasantness.

The idea of him not living here anymore is absolute bloody bliss.

He has a very pious view of being a stay at home dad, like he's made a giant sacrifice for the good of our children. But honestly we're always having to go out t give him time alone to make and listen to music.

Thank you so much for your advice I appreciate all of it. Now I have to go to bed with him (he's asleep).

There's nothing at all to feel guilty for. His actions are deciding this remember.
If he was a caring considerate DH and dad you wouldn't be having these problems.
He isn't caring about your feelings or having any guilt making you jump to his demands and pay for his lifestyle.
He doesn't care you've been at work all day but you have to get out the house for 2 hours with the boys even if your tired.
He doesn't care if he upsets his boys arguing in front of them.
Time to fake it till you make it with the assertion at home and start taking control of your life

You need a plan, he's not going to go easily. Despite what he threatens.

But you have not let him down.
He has spent ten years of your life, and your sons life, letting you all down. From what you tell us, he is robbing you and your sons of your self worth bit by bit. You sound a good mother and a great provider, please put you and your children before this waste of space.