Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

My siblings and I barely speak to our parents. They chose to stay enmeshed in their toxic crap until we were adults. Then they broke up. Bastards. We have not forgiven them. I have heard them boast about having stayed together, about how their kids didn't come from a broken home. Utter utter selfish bastards. They didn't actually think about us, what was best for us, oh no, it was all about the optics for people outside in reality.

MizzogMe Think about what savings you have compared to him.
Have you got 20k?

@MizzogMe

I've just remembered that whenever I complain of his treatment of me, he always turns it around to say "what are you doing now? You're being hostile and frosty and rude to me!". Ahghh!!

Why is that an Ahghh!!? I don't get it.

My response would be "Yes, of course I am hostile and frosty. You are behaving atrociously. Would you expect me to give you a back rub and whisper sweet nothings when you carry on like this?"

As for rude, yeah, well, when people are pissed off sometimes they are rude. He is rude to you. So?

Lots of really useful advice, but a couple of things stood out from your posts. Firstly, that his punishments are too harsh and secondly that he thinks they don’t try hard enough when they’re exercising. Can you give some examples of how he disciplines the DC? What’s the exercising thing about? I think you know that this isn’t a healthy relationship, but it might help to get an outside perspective on how his behaviour is affecting your DC. It’s sounds like a really toxic environment for all of you but if you can focus on protecting your children that may help you put things in place to get him out. You do not need to support him (you are an amazing person for paying him an allowance!), he is an adult so can look after himself and he is bringing nothing but toxicity to your life. Keep posting here so you can get different perspectives and advice.

Thank you. It is the different perspectives that I need; I appreciate that over time I have accepted, apologised for, rationalised and excused some bad behaviour and that makes me complicit in it.

We have been doing an online exercise class every day in lockdown. The kids hate doing it, I hate doing it, because my OH is highly critical of the degree of effort we are putting in to it. He makes my 3 year old sit on the step if he doesn't do it properly or he messes around (general exhuberance) and my 10 year old he does the same. He then is critical of what I'm doing to control their behaviour (they're not doing anything bad - but sometimes not trying hard enough) but it has become so painful doing it. On Tuesday he told them off, and I backed him up and to be honest I was upset at yet another horrible half hour which leads to a bad atmosphere for the rest of the day. He then took their games off them (Nintendo Switch for the older one). The next day my older son made a lot more effort, but it wasn't enough for my OH so he took their games away again and left them crying on the floor, not understanding what they'd done wrong, and went to have a shower. This is when I confronted him on it. I felt we should have praised and encouraged the increased effort the older boy made. Also, this exercise class is not a big deal to make a giant fuss over.

You can do this. Walk up to him and say enough, you need to pack your things and get out of my house!

He's got his inheritance, please don't be guilted into settling him up financially.

Today could be the first day of the rest of your life 🤝

Why is that an Ahghh!!? I don't get it.

It's my ahgh of frustration at the way my own comments to him are flipped back at me. I understand this is what some abusers do now.

My siblings and I barely speak to our parents. They chose to stay enmeshed in their toxic crap until we were adults.

I'm sorry to read this, and appreciate the legacy that this must have left you with. Thank you for sharing this experience - it feels tough but motivating to read.

I would stop his allowance, tell him he needs to get a job or use his inheritance for his hobbies. When you tell him he will kick off and that could make it far easier to tell him to leave... with police assistance if he gets aggressive.

Does he join in with the daily exercise class too? (I assume Joe Wicks?) Or does he just sit there watching, telling you all you’re doing it wrong?

Whose name is the child benefit in? Because if it's his get that changed urgently!

He can get a private flat, he just as to show them his bank acct with 20k more than enough to pay a years rent

Then he gets in the web and claims benefits
He will probably get housing benefit anyway
and he doesn’t have to tell landlord as it comes to him direct.
But that’s his shit to sort out not yours.

Please don’t use YOUR money to set him up

43 no age to put up with living like you do, especially if finance isn’t your main problem
You are young enough in time to meet someone really nice.
BUT, don’t ever move them in
YOUR house, YOUR sons, YOU do what you want when you want.

He a kept man and as no remorse

I felt sick reading about the exercise stuff and punishments.

That's really abusive and he is making you support him in the abuse. He has warped your thinking.

You've got to step up to this.

He is being cruel to the children and has groomed you into thinking this is proper parenting behaviour.

Don't be complicit in this any longer. We are with you, but you can't let him do this. The youngest is three. This is not Soviet Russia where kids are abused into being athletes.

Go for a walk, a drive, anything, but no more online crap that makes them suffer.

So your money is his and his inheritance is his, too?

Get this loser out of your life, OP. Tell your older child about him smoking weed. Tell them that's what happens to people when they smoke too much. The very last thing you need is your son to take this up himself.

It's your house. He's a terrible influence on the children - that broke my heart when you described them sitting with their head bowed. How can you not kick him out after experiencing that?

You're not married I take it, op?

(Sorry haven't read thread in detail).

He thinks he’s in the bloody army!!!!
How dare he treat the boys like that

If he starts again, putting you down having a go at you
Tell him to F..., off, pack his bags and go
You’ve had enough it’s YOUR house

He will either, crumble and think shit I’ve gone to far now it give you a load of abuse and then you’ll snap and push him out the door

Does he drive and have a car?

If he tries to drive, report him for drug driving.

Yes, I think it was my kids sitting sad and frightened on the floor that has galvanised me.

He doesn't drive (never learned).

I don't feel able to do anything today I want to get some legal advice. But I will start calling out the bad behaviour rather than accepting it either through my silence or through endorsing it.

The child benefit is in his name - I changed it because I wanted him to get the NI benefit when I went back to work.

@Interestedwoman Would you mind me asking what your disability is please? I went through the same as you and I'm now disabled for life also. I'm intrigued as to whether we share the same condition/s

So, from what you’ve said he sounds very controlling (I think you know that now!) and dishes out indiscriminate and arbitrary punishments that are not related to the incident and sound completely out of proportion. He may think he’s the best parent ever, but he absolutely is not. That type of parenting creates insecure and uncertain children who don’t know how to behave because they don’t know where the boundaries are. You don’t try hard enough during exercise, you get your game taken away. Next day, you adjust your behaviour to what was expected yesterday so do what you were told but it’s not right and you still get your game taken away. It’s not just permissive parenting that creates problems due to inconsistent or lacking boundaries. Your DC don’t know what is expected and won’t be able moderate their behaviour if he’s forever changing the goalposts. Add into that the constant threat and fear that his reactions have and it’s a recipe for disaster. As they grow older and get to teenagers they are going to start pushing back. How will that end? They are going to get the message that they are not good enough, they are bad, they are disrespectful, they aren’t worth anything. His relationship with you and his relationship with them is showing them what to expect from all of their future relationships. What is “enough effort”? Especially for a 3 year old? You do not need to do these classes, especially if you hate them. Sounds like the only reason you do them is to avoid his reaction. He is controlling what you all do and he doesn’t get to do that.

What does he do when he does this He then is critical of what I'm doing to control their behaviour? What words is he using? He is damaging your DC (your language in PP regarding “my children” is interesting btw. It seems you get criticised for them not living up to his expectations so they become “your children”. You are a bad mum. You are too soft on your children. He is their father and a SAHP. Parenting is usually a two person responsibility). The arguing over their heads is downright abusive. Children should not be scared of their parent. From the sounds of things he has messed with your head for years so it will take some time to unravel what he has done and to find you again. Reach out to someone in real life if you can and start talking about things. Stay strong OP.

@MizzogMe I will NEVER forgive my Mum for not leaving my Dad. Never. I still speak to her but don't have much respect for her. She should have put us first but instead, was only concerned with how she'd cope without his income (not implying that's the case with you by the way! Of course yours has no income anyway!)

Trust me, your sons WILL resent you. I'm sorry to be blunt but I'm speaking from experience. It may not be right away, it may be like it was in my case and not be until they become parents, but they will.

I don't want to make you feel bad but reading what he did to your sons is so awful. Those poor boys. I'm glad it has really spurred you to take action.

I understand you may not feel up to any big decisions today but I agree with a previous poster who suggested at least telling your mother that you have decided to end it. She can support you and this will keep you from talking yourself out of it.

This is child abuse. I can't read anymore, I'm sorry

And I really question myself about these things - am I such a letdown? Intellectually I know I'm not - I am a good and attentive mother, I am a good provider who nonetheless prioritises being there for my children. Perhaps I'm not a great partner

It's the 'intellectually I know I'm not' bit that struck me. That voice, the one inside that tells you that this is not your fault; that's the real you. Turn up the volume of this voice, and turn down the volume of the insecure voice. The insecure voice is the damaged bit of you that's been worn down by his abuse, over a long period.

It's good that you can still hear the real you. That's the person that will pull you free of this. He's done well at oppressing you so far. Don't put yourself down for this, it happens to good people, who don't like to judge others badly. You sound like you are really taking a step forward now though, and the real you is refusing to go unheard any longer. Don't give up. For your sake, and the kids.

Having the 2 voices inside is called Cognitive Dissonance, by the way, and is a natural product of emotional abuse. Have a google and a read about it. You don't get cognitive dissonance in healthy relationships, only ones where you are forced to question yourself constantly.