Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

As a child with a toxic father who wasn't kicked out, do your sons a favour and get him to leave. The worst memories of my childhood involve wanting to crawl away while my dad belittled my mum around us. Sometimes a split family is a better environment than staying together whatever.

Thank you. I need to hear this. I also had a father who behaved badly - his drinking was a massive bone of contention in my household and created atmospheres that were unbearable. Perhaps that's why I am so quick to erase my own opinions to make the atmosphere in our home better.

He is still being off with me - responding coldly to me and only speaking when spoken to. He's spoiling for another row I can feel it. Perhaps I should embrace it and encourage a flounce. That would be so wonderful.

Alas he has nowhere to go - no friends, no family.

You're his meal ticket, so I genuinely recommend you not expect him to leave. He's threatening whatever he thinks will put you back in your box and stop 'misbehaving'.

I think it's going to need to be a case of employing and practicing the grey rock technique for a while, while you get your ducks in a row. I also suggest you look into DARVO that has been mentioned by a PP, along with gaslighting and emotionally abusive tactics. That way you'll know what's coming and can be stronger then to follow through for your boys and yourself. Oddly enough, they all seem to follow the same script. I found myself much calmer after reading up on it because I knew what to expect!

Use his mood. Find your anger. Make sure he moves out.

Don't give him money. He can use his inheritance.

I can't believe your wages for all that weed.

@MizzogMe Keep this thread going if it is helping, there is always somone about here to support as you know. No one here underestimates how difficult this is for you. So be kind to yourself.

Where goes. If he goes. Not your problem. He can try standing on his own two feet. Your priority is yourself and your children, and your wellbeing.

He is emotionally abusive to you all. It is not you. Remember this.
It might help you to think things through if you look at this Women's Aid questionnaire. Then read through the information on their website.

If he flounces, (I doubt he will, he has got it cushy) change the locks so that he doesn't come back in.

Look after your boys, make them your priority. Teach them that this is not how you treat women. Safe hug to you, if that's ok
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

How old are your children?
Have they spoken to you about how they feel?

Thank you. He definitely feels I am misbehaving, and he will punish me until he feels he wants to have a nice time with me again. I am working right now so he is downstairs with the children and I can hear he's being OK with them. I had to explain to my eldest that Daddy is cross with Mummy, not with him, and that's why he's being so grumpy.

My OH keeps throwing back at me that I've agreed with him in the past, but increasingly I'm realising I've agreed with him to avoid rows and unpleasantness (for me and the kids) rather than because I agree.

So what if he has nowhere to go. He's an adult with an inheritance, he'll find somewhere.

You really do sound downtrodden, thinking of helping him with money when he's got his own.

I hope you throw him out soon. I feel sorry for your children, especially the eldest who's had a decade of this. You are teaching them both how women are supposed to be in the home, so letting your partner stay is doing neither of them any favours.

Your poor children. They have no power and no choices here. You must be their champion. Don't let him ruin their lives. Show them that you will take care of their feelings and put them before your bullying husband.

Find your strength

You are not married to him. Remember that.
Where does he buy his dope?
I'm sure they'll find a good customer somewhere to live.

Mizzog Have you any family or friends to help support you?

He won't leave of his own accord. Why should he? He can ponce off you while hanging on to his inheritance, be Billy Big Balls and frighten the DC into being on eggshells around him, under the guise of 'strong parenting'. He can order you all out of your home for hours on a whim, and have you under his thumb, scared to cross him. He's got it made.

Thank you for the links to Women's Aid and for the information about DARVO. And thanks for the flowers and hugs. I feel dreadful that I have got me and my sons into this situation. But hopeful that there may be a way out.

Christ. Totally agree he should go. No relationship should be this unpleasant and hard work - you and your boys sound fab and deserve so much better x

The idea of him not living here anymore is absolute bloody bliss

Keep repeating that.

You having to reassure your son is breaking my heart. Please put your kids first and remove this negative damaging influence from their lives. You know he's a wrong un, if you keep him in the house then I'm afraid you will be complicit in the abuse of your children.

You're right, I am scared to cross him. This is the thing I need to get over, I need to cross him to stand up for my children and create a happier home life for us all.

It is hard to speak frankly to friends and family because we (me, OH, boys) are always together. But yes, they would support me. Most people who know us have wanted me to leave him for years.

Don't feel bad about it, you're waking up to it, that's what's important. Let him flounce, I bet he won't, or if he does he'll try and come back asap! You don't need him and you will feel so.much lighter in spirit when he's gone.

How you got in this situation is that: he did it to you so slowly, you didn't realise what is happening. They do all seem to work to a pattern of behaviour. He is just a bum, dressing it up as " strong parenting". Shame on him.

It's times like this, I think the Internet ( and MN) is such an incredible thing.

Don't feel alone.

Have you heard of Coercive Control? It sounds like this to me.
Read this, and see if you identify with any of it. I see you feel scared of him. You should not feel scared of him. So you don't get to see family without him?

Domestic Violence is not always physical you know. The drip drip drip of emotional damage, takes it's toll too.

We are willing you through this, it will take time, you need to think things through.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/#What%20is%20coercive%20control?

You will get to the point after other women on here have mentioned you are worth more than HE is giving you(which is nothing really)

Once you have had a good think, read you will come to realise what exactly he’s been doing to your self esteem all these years
and how you’ve bitten your tongue just to keep the peace. Imagine all the times you’ve wanted to do something your way, but not because off HIM

Everybody as arguments but not to the point you can’t say what you want in fear off him causing an awful atmosphere in the house for days.

Exactly how old are the boys?

I've had to take a pay cut during this rough period at work, and he offered to lend me some money from a recent inheritance to pay the bills. That's right - lend.

Oh good god. I think you should thank your lucky stars every day that you didn't marry this man.

I grew up in a household with a very placid mother and a shouty, angry father. When I look back at my childhood, my heart breaks for my poor mother. Us children were almost brainwashed by my father to believe that the way he spoke to her and treated her was normal, and that's how we should speak to her as well. She has always been the most patient and softly spoken woman, I think I've heard her should on maybe two occasions in my life. But it felt normal for us to be mean to her and almost idolised my father for being tough (as this is what he taught us we should be) so that's how we begun behaving as well. My mother finally got herself together and left my father, taking us with her. It was only then that the spell broke and we realised what we had been ignoring for so many years. I adore my mother with every bone in my body and she truly is one of my best friends now, but had she not taken us out of that situation I honestly couldn't tell you what sort of relationship we would have now.

I urge you not to downplay the affect this is having on your children. They are sponges and they pick up on every little thing, even the stuff that you miss or brush under the carpet. Every day you allow him to stay is causing more and more damage. Coercive control is not a joke. For the sake of your children, please ask him to leave. And quickly.

Boys are ten and three granadagirl

Thank you so much for all of your support. I can't tell you how glad I am of it and am feeling perhaps more upset this morning but more organised in my thinking.

I have accepted a good deal of blame from him over the years, because the criticisms he levels at me are:

1. I can never accept responsibility for the way things are between us
2. I am a quitter and don't follow things through
3. I don't care about his feelings
4. I don't make enough effort with my children
5. I don't show him enough affection

And I really question myself about these things - am I such a letdown? Intellectually I know I'm not - I am a good and attentive mother, I am a good provider who nonetheless prioritises being there for my children. Perhaps I'm not a great partner.

It is baffling that I'm so stuck - I'm the earner, the house is owned by me, he has never contributed to the mortgage etc.

I must do it. I must get him out.

Morning OP. So many of us here relate to the 'but I can't end it.' Acutely so. And many of us remember the moment when we realised we COULD.

I'm seeing all the usual abuse tactics of projection and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) this is how they keep the status quo.

I felt sick when you said he'd said you don't admire him. It's just the same old same old twisting reality to make you feel awful. They're literally using your own empathy against you, it's like pressing buttons and pulling levers and trying to operate you like a machine. They do this because they're largely immune to the feeling of responsibility themselves and worked out early on how they can make everyone else the problem this way regardless of how cruel and malicious their behaviour is.

I've heard it explained like someone pouring petrol all around them and then setting light to it. You'll get burnt but they won't because they're effectively in a flameproof suit. Their empathy is so poor they don't care about the suffering they're causing. And its useless trying to reason with thenm because their brain is not the same as yours. Even if you try talking to them when they're calm they're still in that suit and they still don't care about your pain.

Google the terms you see people using here and I'm pretty sure you'll be taken aback at how accurate the descriptions of his behaviour are.