Is this the end?

[MizzogMe]

I've name changed as I think my OH comes on here occasionally. I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective. Thank you for reading.

Things are not going well with my OH. He is too hard with our two sons, and his bad temper, grumpiness and criticism is becoming too much to bear. I told him yesterday that I didn't agree with his latest punishment and all hell has broken loose since then.

He has been moody, eating separately to us, arguing with me over the heads of our children (while they sat heads bowed on the floor before I made him take the conversation to a private space). He went to bed at 8.30. He's said I obviously don't like him, he should move out, all because I disagreed with him about how to discipline the boys.

The thing is I knew this was how it would be when I was honest about my opinion. He can't take any disagreement. We've been together for 20 years and I realise just how much I have accepted over the years for a quiet life and to placate him.

He smokes a lot of cannabis - I hate it but I've never made a fuss about it because I accepted it so early in our relationship and because any hint of criticism creates a world of conflict. I hate how complicit I have become in his behaviour.

Since lockdown he has expected me to take our children out for two hours every day the second I finish my full time job. He is a full time father but I am in charge of the homeschooling. If I am late to take them out he gets really shitty with me as he is not getting the time he needs to himself to persue his hobby (music making).

I think maybe he should move out. But he is putting it all on me. Even today it's "maybe I should move out as you obviously don't admire me" apparently a key part of a relationship.

I can't go on like this can I. Have I been so awful to him? Does it even matter at this juncture.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I'm upset and confused.

That list. That's projection. He's telling you the truth about him. He's telling you he's responsible for the state of the home life but that he won't be taking any responsibility for it. He projects it on to you because you have empathy and will swallow the guilt for HIS neglect and abuse.

Under normal circumstances I see my friends and family freely without him being there. He is often shitty about my going out though. In fact, I wanted to have a Zoom call with my best friend on Tuesday and he was shitty about that - why don't I want to spend time with him but instead spend time on the phone (I had spoken to my Mum on Sunday eve).

Good luck 💐

Yes, he is causing so much suffering. For me and the children. But because he feels that HE is suffering, that justifies all. He has mental health issues (I've arranged for him to have counselling before and that led to him taking antidepressants which he took himself off last year because filling his prescription was too hard for him.) but won't do anything about them.

Can you get in touch with some of the people who've been wanting you to leave for years and tell them you are and that you'd appreciate them being cheerleaders until you've got him out?

There's no need to drag it out OP, you own the house.

And he has his own money.

He’s jealous of YOU
Job
Friends
Friendly
Boys closeness to you
Family

He
At home
No friends
No family

Wow OP you so have to get him out of the house, especially for your boys sake (and your sanity). Some excellent advice already given....dig deep...good luck

But because he feels that HE is suffering, that justifies all

That's pretty much their modus operandi. He sets the tone of the whole house and home. His feelings in any given moment are the focus of the family. No one else's feelings will ever trump his and he works on you and the kids so you follow this commandment if you like. Its never said explicitly but is consistently implied with his behaviour and reactions.

He is acutely sensitive to HIS feelings and breathtakingly insensitive to anyone else's.

Weed smoking causes MH issues... often denied but scientific evidence has proved the link to regular use in teen years and developing schizophrenia!

It's a mood enhancer when you're down it makes you feel worse and it is addictive!

He isn't trying to get better so tough shit he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and stop free loading off you.

All that weed use is reason enough to state he is not suitable to be primary carer.

You are a brave and strong woman. You have put up with enough and for being so caring & thoughtful & hard working you are rewarded with this behaviour. He has clearly been playing mind games with you. You've had enough. Be strong💪again for you and your 2 lovely boys and don't pick up any more of the slack for this waste of space. Be a good parent & remove him from your kids so you can all telex and have a chance of happiness. What do you need him for. Don't fall for his manipulative ways. Pack up his stuff and get him out. If he kicks off call the police immediately. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Do it today. Xxxx

You said you own the house so you are in a position to get him out. Is there any family or close friends you can call on for support around you when you ask him to go. If you have someone else with you he can’t wear you down or refuse to go. For the sake of your boys please be strong and follow through with this. When they are older they will question why you stayed with him and allowed him to be so harsh with them. Gather your strength and stand up to him don’t let him bully you any more

@MizzogMe That all sounds like he's talking about himself TBH.

Excellent advice and insight here.
There is indeed a link between dope smoking and MH issues. It's not an exaggeration.
Reach out to those around you who care, they won't be judging. They will be relieved that you are starting to see what the rest of us can see from your posts on here.
The more you say, the more it is clear that he doesn't want you to have friends, or family who care. The stopping of the phone calls etc yet making you go out so he has hours to himself.

We see him. They see him.

Bank accounts. Does he have his own account, but YOUR money in a shared account? If so, take the rest of today and start sorting YOUR money YOUR account.

Put numbers in your phone you might need. If he gets very nasty and you are scared, then ring the police. It's not his house, you are not married to him. The police will support you if you need them.

Clear the history on your computer if you share it. xx

It's ok for the children to go somewhere else, even in lockdown, in a domestic abuse situation. Think about it. If you were my daughter I would take them in a heartbeat while you emptied him out.

Thank you, all, so much. I was so doubtful about reaching out last night and I am so glad that I did.

When they are older they will question why you stayed with him and allowed him to be so harsh with them.

This is exactly my concern. At Christmas when he was especially bad at my parents' house, my Mum said he would wreck my relationship with them, the way he behaves. I think she's right. I am his enabler.

I feel like I have been groomed by him.

I think he smokes up to 1/2 oz of strong weed a week. He gets it sent to him through the post. I have never been a user so I have no sense of whether that is a lot or not.

It will be more healthy for your sons to be raised by a happy, healthy single mum than a family with an aggressive drug addict at the head of it.

We don't have any shared finances. He has his own Monzo account that his inheritance was paid into. I think he probably has around £20k in there.I pay him a weekly allowance too.

Yes. I keep thinking, when I'm 50 (I'm 43) what will it be like if I've continued to accept a situation that I know to be wrong.

I have to be brave. He will really kick off.

I've just remembered that whenever I complain of his treatment of me, he always turns it around to say "what are you doing now? You're being hostile and frosty and rude to me!". Ahghh!!

Ah OP. This is dreadful to read. He's really done a number on you hasn't he.

Please get some help - friends and family, your mum, women's aid, to shore you up. He has to go, you just need to work out how this is going to happen.

You're doing the right thing for your boys, no doubt about it. Keep strong.

He has 20K??? And you want to pay to set him up somewhere?

OP you need to get him out of your life, this is crazy. He's horrible! I'm glad you can already see how much happier you will be without him.

I would maybe get some legal advice first though, because he will probably try all sorts not to actually go.

The important thing is that you should not feel guilty AT ALL. Notice that not a single person on here thinks you should stay with him.

Yes, it is similar to grooming. You are seeing it for what it is now, well, done. You posted in the right part of MN, people here are always really supportive. A lot of us have stood in your shoes.

Gosh, you pay him an allowance too. He's a cunning fecker isn't he?

If he has k20 he isn't going to starve. He'll have to find a job like the rest of us. Child care you can sort longer term. Don't leave the boys with an abusive dope head. Even though they think they love him.

Have a look on the Stately Homes threads to see what damage abusive parents can do to us.

You are a young woman still at 43. Don't let this be the rest of your life.

Can you speak to your Mum. Even to text her that you see him now, and want out

You are doing great by the way. This is a lot to go through suddenly after all this time.

He has 20k
Stop the allowance

In fact go and ask him to pack right now, ask him to leave.

What an asshole, he is a nasty bully

You and the boys will be much happier without him

And if he causes any problems, then call the police and get him removed.

What are you doing about it today?