Anyone want to start a self-care / self-love / personal development thread?

[Blurpblorp]

I'm not 100% sure how to describe what I mean. I'm a proud mum, divorced, and newly-single and keen to stay that way and figure out who am I after my heart's taken a good bruising these last few years.

Is anyone interested in a thread concerned with self-care / personal development? The things I'm thinking are:

learning to value myself
accept my body for how it is
eat food for nourishment and pleassure, not mindless chomping
commit to moving my body for fun, not brainless calorie burning
work out what I really want out of life
challenge my white privilege
activism for causes that matter to me like climate change and racism
try and understand why I place such emphasis on validation from men
learn how to set and maintain barriers
understand where my 'imposter syndrome' comes from
change things I don't like about my personality and if I can't change them, accept them.
get a proper skincare regime
consider my spirituality
save money
finish up the DIY projects at home and get my house as I want it

So many things. Would anyone like to join? If so, what are your circumstances and what's on your list?

Morning everyone!

I have never tried yoga, do you feel it's beneficial? Where do you recommend to go for a total novice?

Have the opportunity to meet with some friends later, part of me thinks I should go, the other part doesn't want to, all 3 of them are all still working and have busy lives and 2 are happy marrieds with living with their grown up kids, and I've turned all bitter and twisted when I meet people who, in my eyes, have everything I yearn for.

To make matters worse, my grown up daughter has said she'll come down to see me on Sunday, which is lovely as I haven't seen her since March, but she insists on the 2m rule and won't come in the family home which I've been on my own in since lockdown. She doesn't comprehend my lonliness which really hurts - suggestions on how best to deal with this greatly appreciated

I hope everyone has a good Friday, take that time for you, look in the mirror, smile at yourself and say, "I am an amazing person and a Goddess and I truly believe I can be everything I've ever dreamed I can be"

Aww, thanks OP for your kind welcome. xx

It's great to hear about all the positive, lovely things we are doing for ourselves.

@HalfDutchGirl I started Yoga with Adriene in mid-April and have done some every day since then. I started with Dedicate which is a 30 day program and now am just following her June calendar. I’m not very good but I do enjoy it and I get a sense of satisfaction from keeping it going and Adriene is so positive in her videos. I could only motivate myself to find time for it as I’m doing it with my daughter who is in Asia as a way of feeling close during Corona. I need to unpick why on my own I’m not important enough to block out half an hour a day to improve my fitness.

Thanks @Onthebrink67 , I’ll give that yoga a try.

Good Morning, I have tried armchair yoga but the woman's voice got on my nerves so I packed up, but I will try to find another one on youtube later.
Also I had a bottle of youth dew peel from the body shop and I tried that. Its not for your face so I put it on my feet, rubbed it in and oh my God. The dead skin just rubbed off...what sort of sorcery is that!.
I know I mentioned Beauty Box before but I was wrong, its Beauty Pie.
I have checked the reviews and they are all good so I am going to give it a go. Its £10 a month and you get £100 to spend and they are all high end without the packaging etc.
I hope everyone is doing ok even though the weather is dull.

I'd love to join, thanks for starting this thread. I find listening to Mel Robbins on YouTube really motivating.

Well, I think I have turned a corner.
My husband has no social skills and tends to cause trouble in an empty house. He has fallen out with my friend and neighbour in the past by being a knob.
I have tried to make the piece with both of them because I am stuck in the middle. He has done it again and now she will never speak to him again for the third time.
I have told them both that I dont want to know, and its nothing to do with me.
The whole thing is silly and I have had enough of feeling awkward because I am surrounded by idiots.
I have my virtual large purple hat on.
I will not be an emotional doormat.

Afternoon everyone how are your days going?

@SenselessUbiquity and @Spinakker you're both very welcome - get in here!!! I like Mel Robbins too, she seems such a naturally powerful woman. Also Marisa Peer; have you seen her TED Talk? She's really quite inspirational. @SenselessUbiquity I'm sorry you're in this situation. Could you talk to your boyfriend about it and suggest you limit the amount of time you both spend talking about negative things? He needs to be aware of that fact that you're not an infinite resource. Let us know how it goes.

@HalfDutchGirl - what did you decide about seeing your friends last night? I imagine the loneliness is very wearing. Your daughter might be worried about passing something on to you. Either way, I wouldn't push anyone at the moment to break social distancing; it's such a personal decision. Hopefully even just seeing her for a chat will be a boost. And I second Adriene for yoga - I always feel better after her videos. Also yoga is good for your posture which in turn, is good for your confidence. My simplistic view of things!!!

@buggeroffvirus woohoo! That's amazing! The thing to do is notice...REALLY NOTICE... how setting your boundaries has made you feel. If you remember that feeling I think you're more likely to do it again. It's really inspiring what you've done. Keep that hat on and I hope you feel great about yourself. Also about your smooth feet!

I'm off to forage for some elderflower and make some cordial with my DDs. It sounds idyllic but I'm hoping I don't end up in a hedge

@Blurpblorp must check out Marissa Peer, I've actually only recently discovered Tedtalks.
My days going well thanks. Made an effort to straighten my hair (usually leave it a bit messy) and then walked into town with my 1 yo in the buggy. We had a really nice time at the park and the weather was great. Came home with a renewed sense of purpose ! Decided I will put myself on a diet . Need to lose about 2 stone to get to my ideal weight. Had a nice tuna salad for lunch. Decided to just focus on eating healthy and doing 16:8 Which other people on here just reminded me of. Had good success with that before. Feeling like I'm taking control back ! How's your day going?

Hi everyone!

Blurp - I didn't specifically ask the bf to tone down the negative stuff but we had a good laugh on the phone this morning. he is often weary at night and I think I will move the phone chats to the morning and keep it positive.

I have now, inspired by this thread, completed two whole days of 16:8 - I think - if it is what I think it is.

I have also bought a jigsaw puzzle to keep me from mindlessly scrolling on my phone. I am tragically slow! but I find it weirdly comforting having it there. One of my daughters is dipping into it with me.

My ideal would be to keep not drinking most days, and never drink more than one or two drinks in a day ever again, maintain this level of calm and control over what I take in - what I take in my body, what I take in emotionally, what I take in mentally. And get my work - work of all kinds - off the ground.

Spinakker - I have more than 2 stone to lose really but if I lose two I'll be acceptable. I'll join you on that front.

buggeroffvirus - well done!!

everyone else - thanks for updating - and reminding me about yoga - and about everything else.

I hope everyone has calm lovely sleep tonight and wakes up feeling good tomorrow.

Enjoying reading everyone's updates.

After hearing about what others are doing, I might have a go at some yoga this weekend.

Have yoga class today. It's raining. Could be interesting

Hello all!
@Accidentalaccountant if it’s not cancelled, go for it. I’m one of those people who found the idea of running in the pissing rain abhorrent, now it is absolutely my favourite time to run! You never know with yoga 🤷🏻‍♀️😁
@SenselessUbiquity puzzle sounds good! What is it of?
@Spinakker you’re right, it makes such a difference to how you feel, just a simple thing like spending time doing your hair (mine is an absolute mess!!!)
@Blurpblorp did you find elder flowers?
@buggeroffvirus never heard of it! And it just peels dead skin easily? Thanks for the tip!
@Onthebrink67 I know what you mean about finding time for yourself. There is so much too do, it feels almost like a frivolity to do a yoga class in the bedroom when there is all that stuff to be done in the house etc. Go for it though, the dishes can and will wait 😂😂😂

I repaired a puncture on my bike yesterday. All by myself! It’s not that hard at all!

Can I join too? So nice to hear some of you have been in long term relationships. Am just realising realising rather than wondering if, I’m in a controlling relationship, thanks to some amazing mns on another thread. Trying not to drink ( was drinking my way through like you Kirsty) and learn to be assertive. Like you guys am not looking after me.
Just learning I’m too concerned about everyone else. Very hard to learn!
Also recovered from cancer, touch wood! But that hugely drains your spirit and sense of who you are. So yes please.first step, flowers to us all 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐for being amazing and strong even when we feel that we aren’t xxxxx

Happy Sunday all! I've woken up with hangover and a criked neck after a Zoom quiz last night. I had two gins but am feeling worse than I should. A bit of self-abuse last night but it was good for the soul. I'll go for a long walk in the sunshine later and not beat myself up about it

@Treatedlikeamaid get in here! party emoji do you want to say more about your relationship? Wonder if our collective wisdom couldn't help identify specific things that might help (you might've already got this from other threads). You're so concerned about everyone else yet have been through a cancer journey. Fantastic news that you're hopefully clear and definitely time to put yourself first and re-establish boundaries. I think, perhaps as women, we get the message from somewhere that we have to take care of others first and it's selfish to prioritise our own needs. Then whole relationships get based on the fact that you're a caregiver (children excluded!). I love the phrase "If mama aint' happy, no-one's happy" and alwasy keep that in mind when I feel bad for putting myself first.

@Spinakker aww you've got a 1 yo then extra points for you on leaving the house and with straighted hair to boot! I don't know much about 16:8 but maybe someone else does? Well done on taking some control - feels good doesn't it?

@SenselessUbiquity hey I'm glad you had a more positive conversation and have a plan for how to manage it. Probably he doesn't like being so negative either. A wise point about remaining calm and being careful what you allow in. I find it so easy to put myself last and not police what I take on from others - thanks for the reminder.

@Rocaille and @Accidentalaccountant did you do some yoga? Did it rain?

@BuddhaAtSea really? I always fear bicycle repair (not that I have one at the moment). I was amazed after divorce how easy it was to do certian things that I'd let myself be told were painful/challenging... getting the christmas decorations out of the loft, buying insurance, driving long distances eye roll

I heard the phrase 'toxic positivity' yesterday, have any of your heard this before? It really explains things I've experienced in life mostly from my exH as a tool to diminish my feelings. What do you all think about this? thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/

Please can I join . I am 51 and a year ago woke up to the fact that I was in an abusive relationship with my Mum. She is elderly and going strong , but is not interested in a relationship unless she controls every aspect of my life . During the last year I have tried everything to maintain a relationship with her.

I have realised I don't know who I am ? I have been conditioned to feel unworthy. I want to develop a sense of self and to be happy in my own skin. Thank for this thread

You are most definitely welcome @Moodyred I'm sorry you're in this situation. The realisation must be very painful and you've probably been controlled by her for most of your life I imagine? The first step is to recognise what you're not happy about so congratulations next is a path to self-appreciation, self-care and gently but firmly re-establishing boundaries and not feeling guilty about it. It will come in time. Meanwhile just notice - really notice - the feelings you get when you put yourself first. They may be uncomfortable, liberating, calming, guilty but don't fight it. Today is a new day and you have a new week in front of you.

It's never too late to make a change. You are your own work of a lifetime. Much love xx

Blurplorp thanks for this yes this happened all of my life. Did not realise I was entitled to boundaries. Yes today is a new day. This thread is just what we all need so I am grateful.

Thanks for your kind words.

Hi everyone. Lovely reading people's updates. Makes me feel less alone as I don't have close friends IRL that I can be so open with. (Something that needs to change). This whole coronavirus and lockdown thing has made me realise life is all about the decisions we make. We need to value ourselves enough to carve out time for ourselves. We've heard it all before but it's so important right now to do things for our own well being. Small changes every day add up. I salute anyone here who's left an abusive or unhappy relationship. I'm married with 3 DS but feel my stress levels going very high at times which is why I need this thread. Drinking is not an issue for me as I dont drink but binge eating is a real problem. Had success with 16:8 yesterday (I know- just one day right!) And this afternoon I'm planning on making up some mason jar salads for myself so I have a ready made healthy lunch all week. Enjoy the rest of the weekend ladies. What are you all doing next week? Do you work ? Any preparations your doing now for next week ?

Hi all, happy sunday!

Treatedlikeamaid - and congratulations on healing from cancer.

Moodyred - nice to meet you.

On the third day, I'm feeling good about 16:8 - I actually feel that already it has opened up some space in my body somehow - and my spirits too

@SenselessUbiquity I actually Googled 16:8 earlier and it sounds very good. I might give it a go... which hours do you do?

Boundaries... I've been on the go all day today and just as I've sat down my eldest asked me to set up a Nintendo thing for her. I said no, mum's reached my limit for today but I've booked in time tomorrow evening to do it. I feel a bit guilty but trying to remember how nice it feels not to put myself under undue pressure. And hopefully she'll witness this and do it for herself in the future (and won't wait until she's in her forties to manage it!)

Well done on the boundary! How old is the eldest?

I'm eating lunch and dinner with the kids, so the earliest I'll eat is 12 (usually later) and I'll be done by 8. So for me the benefit is cutting out late night snacking and drinking.

I've been trying to do couch to 5k, to, which I last completed 12 years ago just before I got pregnant with dd1. I honestly think I haven't got this far in it since then - week 5. I haven't kept it up consistently since I started in March when lockdown began and I've been beating myself up about how much I should have done by now - but I've decided today to look at the positive - I'm running for longer and further than since before I had children! And it took getting off the work treadmill to do that. There is no point in beating myself up about how some people run three times a week before work and I could have done that too. This is me, and I'm doing better than I have for a while.

Sorry that's all very me me me me me but I don't really have anyone to celebrate these minor achievements with in real life.

Good evening everyone.
I have had a great day with my 2 boys egg rolling, people rolling and fish and chip eating. It made me smile hearing their laughter and excitement. I have been thinking over the last few days and its sinking in that apart from a husband I dont feel i have lost anything. Im doing so much more to make myself happier physically and mentally. I do worry about having a wobble though and going back to square 1. What do you all find helps you get out of a bad situation?

yay well done chiky on a good day!

But I know what you mean about fearing the wobble. I found a really good group of women friends online who I felt able to talk to at all hours of the day and night because I didnt feel I was disturbing them, as it was all online rather than demanding that someone drop everything and talk to me on the phone. They were so supportive! We did meet in real life too, and they were people I had known before, but the friendship deepened when I was single and honest about how bad my marriage had been.

I often felt lowest when I needed something physically - food or sleep. Try to bear that in mind, eat if you need to eat and rest if you need to rest.

Focusing on my kids and doing things with them without someone harshing my mellow (like you did today) - and then thinking over those times later. this sounds stupid but I thought it was a small victory when I took them around a lake in a pedalo - it was the sort of thing that my ex would have organised and pedalled and so on and it was fine without him. So that was fun, but also something to think about later - we can do things without him! We don't need him!

We've done a lot of things as a three that he would have hated, like skating lessons. But that didn't come at once - over time I found myself again, remembered things like skating I had forgotten and not had time for. You will remember those things too.

I guess I always tried to see the wobble as not meaning anything profound - it didn't mean I was wrong to end it, it just meant I was finding my feet and things would get better.

There were times before he moved out after we had split when I was so so so sad and might have gone back if it had seemed remotely possible. I can't tell you how glad I am that I didn't.