Anyone want to start a self-care / self-love / personal development thread?

[Blurpblorp]

I'm not 100% sure how to describe what I mean. I'm a proud mum, divorced, and newly-single and keen to stay that way and figure out who am I after my heart's taken a good bruising these last few years.

Is anyone interested in a thread concerned with self-care / personal development? The things I'm thinking are:

learning to value myself
accept my body for how it is
eat food for nourishment and pleassure, not mindless chomping
commit to moving my body for fun, not brainless calorie burning
work out what I really want out of life
challenge my white privilege
activism for causes that matter to me like climate change and racism
try and understand why I place such emphasis on validation from men
learn how to set and maintain barriers
understand where my 'imposter syndrome' comes from
change things I don't like about my personality and if I can't change them, accept them.
get a proper skincare regime
consider my spirituality
save money
finish up the DIY projects at home and get my house as I want it

So many things. Would anyone like to join? If so, what are your circumstances and what's on your list?

Hello everyone, I think this thread is fantastic and quite calming. Its amazing how strong we all are.
After the row between husband and friend I decided to stand back and let them get on with it and I felt great.
Because I didn't show any interest to either of them my husband apologised to her and she said that she was just in a bad mood !.
They are now friends again, I suspect that some people love a drama.
I am beginning to think that trying to smooth the waters is exhausting. Its far easier to stand back and just watch it all unfold.
I feel like I have retreated into my own self care bubble because to be honest I have never felt better.
I have read all of the posts and women have such a lot to deal with.
You all seem so strong. And I don;t want to ramble but for those of us with daughters its good to set an example of boundaries and self worth because a lot of us grew up without that.

Afternoon all! Ah what lovely updates to the thread

@SenselessUbiquity excellent running. And you're right; progress is progess and doesn't have to be as per a prescribed plan. And I can't top your advice to @chikynoonoo apart from saying "what she said" I am so glad to be through the divorce trauma and out the other side. I'm infinitely happier than I ever was with him but couldn't see it. Chiky you sound like a lovely mum and you must learn to trust yourself. You CAN do this and you WILL thrive by yourself. Bright times ahead xx

@buggeroffvirus that's brilliant news! You've never felt better? That makes me happy Not your drama to pick up and this will just reinforce what you will/won't put up with for both yourself and others. A great thing to build on for the future... It's infinitely less draining to 'give' when you know you're keeping your boundaries. Did you see Red magazine from a few months back? An interview with Penelope Cruz who apparently is kind but totally unapologetic about maintaining boundaries. Life goals...

I'm trying 16:8 today so will be eating from 10-6pm. I'm like a kid in a sweet shop this afternoon as I got a delivery of moisturisers, a cleanser and a serum today So pretty!!! I'm going to give myself a facial and an early night tonight then listen to one of these lovely bedtime stories www.nothingmuchhappens.com/

Helloooooooooooo,where is everyone, have you all gone shopping?

I have been feeling low today - feeling like a failure. Also getting anxious about having to move out with my kids at the end of this month - into a council temporary accommodation. Wondering where the hell is it going to be and how am I going to get my kids to school. No fun being homeless.
On a positive though - I am getting over the person I had the most insanely intense crush on - nearly two years of pure hell.. Now I am divorced and free - I can actually see that this person, however wonderful, is not the one for me. And I am learning to let go. We never had any sort of relationship - it was just all in my head and in my heart. Crazy, right?

I have been sober for 16 days now and it is amazing.

I am hoping to lose weight naturally- through not drinking alcohol. I think it's too early to expect any results yet but I am really hoping to just drop some weight :)
I am going to read books before the bed - instead of being on laptop. I find that reading books makes me calm and happy and in some strange way - whole.

Look after yourself @KirstyhasLeft that must be so stressful. Feeling down here today too but no real reason apart from I’m angry with myself for not doing any self care.

Hi everyone

Just checking in. no running today - I meant to but bf stayed last night and didn't leave in time for me to run before doing the things I needed to do today. I suppose I should / could have asked him to go, treated it like an appointment. It seemed harsh though. I think next time I will tee it up the night before and give a time.
It's rare for us to have a morning like that though. We met when we were both frantically busy and were lucky to see each other once a week, often someone arriving somewhere at 10pm and having to leave the next morning at 6am for meetings. It's a luxury not to be rushing and I suppose that's why I wasn't laying down the law. And he didn't look like he wanted to go. I am happy he wants to hang out. I like to be liked :)

No booze, still sticking to 16:8. Well, I bent the rules yesterday, I ate two meals at 11 and 7.30 with a long walk in between - it was better to eat before leaving the house. I'm forgiving myself that though as it was nearly within the rules.

Onthebrink - don't be angry. what can you do now that will make yourself feel better? Bath? Audio book? guided meditation on youtube? put your favourite album on and lie down with your eyes closed to listen to the whole thing?

Kirsty - 16 days no booze - brilliant! you must have lost weight already. I have everything crossed for your housing situation.

Thanks for starting the thread Blurp - it's great. I think everyone here (me for sure) could do with having a big think about boundaries.

Evening all

Hope everyone's had a calm evening. I've been ill with something that's "probably not Covid" but I'm not myself today and have been home with both my DDs today. It's been nice enough - haven't been able to maintain my boundaries tonight as my daughter needed me but sometimes that's life. A storm has just passed overhead and the air has changed totally so I have the window open and as I type, cool earthy-smelling air is wafting in. Lovely.

@buggeroffvirus ha - maybe everyone's been to Primark?! I shudder at the thought. How are you? Hope you're still feeling good about your boundaries triumph.

@kirstyhasleft - infatuations are a kind of specific prison in my opinion. It's a false state, you think it's a lovely feeling but you become trapped by it. I've been in similar situations in the past and oof it's great news you can put it behind you. It might resurface for a while but if so, so be it. And well done on giving up the booze - that's impressive! Enjoy your book if you read again tonight x

@Onthebrink67 ahh it's one of those days. Could hormones be a factor? Either way, be kind to yourself; some days self-care comes easily and others it just doesn't happen no matter how good your intentions. Tomorrow is a new day.

@SenselessUbiquity it sounds like a lovely morning with your boyfriend your example hits the nail on the head for how lack of self-care can start in a relationship. And no reflection on the relationship, just that it can be so nice to be in that lovely bubble that you forget the importance of getting back to you and your plans/goals. But hey, you seized the moment today and hooray for that I've done 16:8 for two days now and not feeling any different (I'm a bit ill though) but I'll give it time.

Peaceful nights' sleep to you all

Actually I am really angry now I think about it about how things went this weekend. Crap boundaries!

• I said "can I see you tomorrow" (on sunday) and he said "can I come tonight?" we talked back and forth about what time, I trying to make it late as we are both busy, he sounding surprised and that it was too late, me against my better judgement agreeing an earlier time, and he ... turning up very late. Because he was busy. so I felt messed around. honestly, as soon as I came off the phone I regretted not being firm and sticking to Monday

• he was all stressed and scattered and very jangly company. Woke up in a bad mood on Monday, was incredibly difficult about everything, coudln't decide where we should go, I refused to step in and help him by choosing a place he would invariably hate. AT one point we weren't going to spend the day together at all! - I was a bit sad but started mentally making other plans instead. he regretted it, apologised and we got on with the day

• he was quite grumpy and initiated another tifflet later

• Decided he wanted fish and chips, large, then had no cash and I paid for everything and it was SO EXPENSIVE. I know it's petty but I have no income. He said he would transfer it but I think he'll forget and I don't like to ask.

• Having been jangled and grumpy with tiredness and stress he then became catatonic in the evening and suddenly went to bed and barely stayed awake long enough to say good night.

• woke up, when I'd been up for ages, ate a billion course breakfast that took ages and then had to stay to do work calls as he was too late to get somehwere else to do them. So I was faffing about filling time and then I got a work call which I had to sort of bustle off to find somewhere to take. I didn't get to run or even get to planning my own stuff properly. I get my kids back tomorrow. It's a total waste of childfree time.

I am actually really pissed off. A lot of it is my fault but I am actually reallt annoyed now.

Until very recently he was so careful with my time and space. Something has slipped. It may be to do with my losing my job? Maybe he doesn't respect my time because I'm not working :( but it's not working that makes me feel so panicky about needing to use my time properly.

I am going to have to "reset" him. I can't be doing with this.

It's his birthday on Monday. he gets one night and one day. That's it.

I will have to get better at being functional and productive when my kids are around.

I think a lot of us are cheaper boundaries. I know I am.
Did yoga on Sunday and yesterday outdoors. Yesterday with thunder rumbling around us. It was quite atmospheric.
Today dog walk, some work and tennis.
Hope all have a good day

Morning. I think I was really tired last night and I regret being so resentful. I love him and I have to find a way not to feel so scattered and used when he leaves. he doesn't mean me to feel that way. Which is part of the concern - if he knew I did, he would probably leave me

Morning all

@SenselessUbiquity I think that's the trap of a relationship. A person can get caught up with the 'us' and forget about the 'I'. I'm terrible at it and part of the reason I started this thread. Think of boundaries in the way that the brain develops; the more you do something, the stronger the neural connection. So the more you keep boundaries, the stronger the habit will become. Try setting and keeping a small boundary today. Keep these phrases on a post it somewhere:

1. I can't do that now but I will later.
2. I'd love to see you but XX is not a good time, let's do XX instead.
3. That will be lovely. Let me do XXXXX and we can do it afterwards.
4. No.

@Accidentalaccountant yoga, dog walking and storms sound just heavenly. What is it about a storm that just changes the whole energy in a room? I loved listening to the rain and feeling the change in the air last night.

What self-care is on the menu today?

Our storm arrived today and I feel a lot better for it.
Running today really helped too.
Still 16:8.

Early bed and film in bed tonight I think. Any recommendations?

Hi everyone, I hope that you are all okay. I have been to the garden centre today and got very excited which tells me that I should get out more.
There was a hidden section with half dead plants for a pound each and I love a challenge. I felt sorry for the plants and so i bought quite a few.
This afternoon has been spent trimming and planting which has stopped me eating everything in sight.
I haven't been clothes shopping as I have lots of things I never wear but it must be difficult for those with growing children.
I can't wait for the charity shops to get going again.
After reading every ones posts I think that things will look up for us all.
I don't like to comment on someones post but I think Kirsty is great.

Good evening
So i have had a bit of a wobble starting yesterday and today. I did have my second counselling session this evening and not sure if this causes it (in a good way) because I am honest. And for a change talk like I am doing now.
I appreciate in my situation things are still raw emotion wise. What hasn't helped is on Monday I woke to a text from ex saying hope im ok and have a good day. We chatted all through day to get to bed time for him to all of a sudden become cold. Saw him yesterday as he saw kids then nothing today. I know i shouldn't let it bother me or any of the situation but my demons are winning at the moment.
On a positive i have a new facial toy which makes my skin (as my youngest says) as soft as a babies bum. I am sticking to looking after myself and exercise but I need to rethink my eating because it isn't enough.

@SenselessUbiquity ooo films... a great heatwarming/quirky choice is Hunt for the Wilderpeople. Otherwise, Bridesmaids never fails to make me laugh. Well done for maintaining your focus today.

@Buggeroffvirus so much energy you've put into buying and nurturing those plants. Wonderful.

It rained this afternoon but still no storm. The air feels lovely and clear though, I just love it and the smell of the petrichor

thanks Blurp!

chiky - is your new toy a Browzer? I have a new browzer! I love it!!
Sorry about the demons. Goddamn they can be evil. Sending you strength.

There is this one amazing thing I am doing for myself- and I think the rest kind of follows from that; I am finally making effort and time to learn and practice buddhism. I have been on and off, really lousy buddhist for some years but now I am doing proper studies on Zoom with teachers and monks. I just listened to a live talk by the most incredible lady who is a monk and is one of the most energetic, enthusiastic and full of life people I ever met.
Anyway - my (often quite pathetic) attempt at buddhist practice is what brings me peace and strength to deal with my current situation, and let go of things that making me suffer. I am really glad I am doing this :)
(I hope this is allowed - I am not advertising a religion here.)

@buggeroffvirus - thank you. Your kind words actually made me cry.

@SenselessUbiquity it is a Foreo luna mini. It is more than i would normally spend but i had some money from my birthday and spent it on myself for a change!

Morning!

@chikynoonoo good on you treating yourself! May your skin be peachy and smooth for all eternity! I missed your post last night. It must be a real headf*&k having your ex blowing hot and cold like that. I remember learning from my counselling days, that clients do the most work in between sessions, while real life is happening. Go easy on yourself.

@KirstyHasLeft nowoo, spiritual side is very welcome. And it's great that you've found this community of teachers online! I'm really happy for you and you've really made me think; I think self-love does follow on from a kind of inner, spiritual source. Whatever that looks like for a person. I'm currently exploring something similar and my best calmest, happiest feelings come when I'm in a spiritual frame of mind. I guess because I'm closer to being my authentic self. It also makes the day-to-day stresses that eat away at me less stifling.

Hello. well its raining again but thats good for my £1 plants. I am trying to drink more water rather than coffee as my skin looks like I am dehydrated.
I am glad that you are feeling better Kirsty, your post reminded me of a crush I once had.
It was so bad that in desperation for his attention I even baked biscuits and left them on his doorstep. I cannot believe I was gormless. I saw him a couple of years later in Tesco and he looked a right scruffy mess.
I really dodged a bullet there.
I think that is why I bought all those weary plants plants on the £1 shelf other than saving money.
I have been on the £1 shelf and I know how they feel. Hopefully all this rain will help them recover.
Ajnyway, have a good day everyone.

Well we certainly have the rain here today!!
Im just a person who at times wants to know why people do what they do so i can understand. He walked away from the marriage so why is he blowing hot and cold.
I have bought a notebook to write down positive things. I find i get stuck in my head at times with what actually is good about me. I have asked some family and friends for what they like about me. I sometimes read positive phrases to jot down. And sometimes happy things that have happened that day. The things I need to remember.

@buggeroffvirus oh, the things we do, eh? :) I so can relate..

I have 10 more days left to live in my beautiful house. I am trying to make the most of these days and make some final memories. But at the same time - no to get too attached and upset about leaving it. Fine balance. I am certainly not going to miss cleaning it! :) But I will miss the space, the security and the dreams of a wonderful life I had when we moved in.

Hello everyone

@KirstyHasLeft ah I've been there... "the dreams of a wonderful life" in particular Enjoy these last days then deep breath and move forwards. You are strong and you will get through it.

@buggeroffvirus ah your £1 plants project is a sign of your good heart and kind nature I feel. And more power to younger you for being so extraordinarily kind and lovely. More fool him. And ha - one of those moments you have when you think "what was I thinking?!"

@chikynoonoo great plan to ask your friends for what they like about you. Lovely lovely and writing really does help to get things out of your head. It's as if the diary "keeps" the thoughts for you so you don't have to. I found that one of the most liberating things about divorce was realising I don't have to anticipate or give mental space to my exH anymore. Phew! I had so much mental space that I'd given him! Then it was all mine again!

Something happened to me today where my body almost took over my mind. I spotted an opportunity at work but had two different thoughts about it a) great development opportunity, more money b) don't want to work full time, I'll be too tired/stressed, can't do it. It wasn't even an available role, I just thought I could create a role for myself. Anyway, I found the words coming out of my mouth almost involuntarily when I was talking to my boss today! And long story short, I got the job! He and his boss are both very enthusiastic about it to boot! It's only a temporary contract but it's good news. I know I will need to be very hot on my self-care for the next 3 months so this thread will be even more important to me. But yay - a little win and I'm proud of myself

@Blurpblorp - Congratulations! How cool was that? :) I am sure you will manage great!

Thanks @KirstyHasLeft xx

And happy Saturday to you all. Its the summer solstice today; the longest day of the year. A day for renewed energy, releasing old habits/thoughts and drawing power from the sun being out. Whether you believe in what this represents spiritually or not, we've got the most time of any day in the year to use how we wish. I'm going to do some lovely self-care, yoga, be out in nature, cook myself a special meal and have a fire in my firepit this evening.

What are your plans for today? X