To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

'Nearly' addicted to drugs. Then addicted to porn. Addicted to sex chats. Now addicted to sexting. That's a lot of addictions. Knowing he has an addictive personality hasn't stopped him seeking out activities that risk becoming addictions. It's like he is actively seeking addictions, but then using a disclaimer of it not really being his fault as he couldn't help it or avoid it. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions and actively avoiding situations that can lead to addiction.

Usually advice is to follow your head not your heart, but I'd warn against following your sociologist head and go with your heart in this instance. While you rationalise his addictive personality and his remorse from a sociology view point, you are avoiding the fact this is happening to you personally. This is your pain, your life; your partner not a sociology research subject.

He's been to rehab before, but that didn't stop him repeating the behaviour - albeit in a different form. Like an alcholic giving up whiskey, but switching to vodka and saying it's a different, separate addiction. And being surprised they're now addicted to vodka too.

Rehab for the addiction is obviously good, but also he needs intensive long term therapy for the complusion/instant gratification issues. Otherwise, he'll seek out (or 'accidentally' fall into) another addiction to get that buzz.

Personally, the risk of a continuous loop of addiction, rehab, new addiction would be too much for me.

Eh? You said

The point is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way.

But also

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too.

My heart says leave but my brain says stay

I think you have these the wrong way around. It sounds like your head knows that this man with a history of addiction problems (which sound like they have just changed focus, not actually been dealt with) isn't going to change. But your heart is telling you that "apart from this" he is the perfect man, you can minimise this to being "basically porn use" and somehow convince yourself you can love him better.

I know it makes you feel like a cliche to say "my head is telling me to leave, my heart wants me to stay" but it sounds like that is the truth of it.

I haven't minismied it! That what I've always thought. (That's one of my conclusions of my dissertation).

Addictions are a MH issue. I wouldn't abandon someone with a chronic disease. In this way this isnt much different as long as he follows treatment.

He has accepted he is at fault and that he couldn't make himself stop (similar to what he does when we open a bottle.of wine).

I'm ok with many sexual behaviours.

What hurts is that he broke the fairytale. That's what hurts the most.

says
What does he do? If you press the mute button on your life and watch it with the sound off, what does it seem like then?

What would I see? I see a man who make me coffee every morning. Who wakes up every evening/early morning to feed his son. Someone who comes and says goodbye to.me in bed but also before he leaves the house. Who comes in after work and if I hadn't heard him/seen him he'll surprise with a hug. Someone who doesn't go to bed if I'm having a bad day, he'll stay awake until I feel better.

I see a blissful happy couple waking the dog and the baby. I see a couple who spends every evening watching things that he both enjoy in each other arms and offer both drift off to sleep. A couple who always cuddles in bed and stays that way and if not we at least hold hands.

I see a happy family. I see myself (and him) smiling. I see someone who admits his mistakes before they become any bigger.

The problem with “being a sociologist” here is you run the risk of focusing too much on “intellectualising” and “rationalising” his behaviour.

That’s why your heart says go but your brain says stay.

With the best will in the world all of your knowledge is making things harder. I speak from absolute experience

I could write you chapter and verse on addiction , my dissertation was on a related issue. I ran high level Addiction and mental health services for decades. Do you know how much that helped in my personal life ? Zero. Not a jot. Most professionals will tell you exactly the same. I could list people who I know who are high level specialists in addiction and their home life would not tell you it.

You are conflating cerebral with the reality. You know on your heart firstly, no such thing as a perfect man, woman or llama. If you have convinced yourself he was then you have a skewed perspective. You are trying to hold on to something that never really existed.

You need firstly before you make any decisions to see the situation clearly. I've been published left right and centre and it means nothing without sitting and removing your preconceptions , you have a bucket load of those. When you remove all of those and look at it in reality not academically then you will have a better chance of a plan.

From where I’m standing it sounds like you’re with a guy who is good at putting a good face on/ has a good side to him, but has a chain of addictions behind/ currently attached to him. Is he determined to sort his problems out once and for all in order to save his relationship with you? Is he utterly driven to go to rehab/ therapy/ get rid of his phone/ really get to the source of his issues and nail them? It sounds like he’s quite blithe and happy to bumble down the road until he slips into his next addiction - which could well be (actual) sex.

What would I see? You forgot to add on someone who has betrayed your trust time and again. You sound like you are effectively studying him (conclusion of your thesis). All well and good on paper but it is never as easy as that. You also can't compare a chronic illness to MH.

You are making your situation sound like research for a PhD.

Thanks Shiny that really helps.

Blah he says that this is what he needed to hit rock bottom (to see the effect of his actions on me). That he wants to work hard, do proper rehab, go to therapy on his own and as a couple.

All the perfect things you mention are still flawed. He’ll be with you but in his head he’s planning/wanting/thinking about his next fix. When you’re falling asleep in his arms he’ll be wondering if he can wriggle free without waking you to get on with what he wants.

If things were perfect or not he still sexted/took dick pics/wanking videos.

You need to figure out if you can cope with disappointment after disappointment.

It was only texts, but it doesn't matter. The point is if he's really an addict he can get better. If he's just a deviant slightly different scenario.

All I want is honesty. If he want to go and wank with someone else, that's fine by me as long as he lets me know and it doesn't affect our home life and sex life (so lower drive for example).

What hurts is that he broke the fairytale. That's what hurts the most.

This idealistic view of relationships often sets us up to fail because nobody is perfect and if you put someone on a pedestal as you clearly do with him, it's difficult for anyone to live up to. It's absolutely impossible for an addict.

I am an ex addict. I've recovered after lots of hard work and once strong enough I began dating and am in a long term healthy and happy relationship with someone I love to bits. I don't personally believe you can do the work needed to overcome addiction while in a relationship, especially if it's with someone your addiction has already hurt.

You have clearly become his defender which is enabling him to continue to hurt him. You told us about his past and current behaviour that has understandably been awful for you. But when people have essentially agreed and empathised, you have reacted by defending him and painting a picture of a "blissful" life. But some things people do that hurt us can't be outweighed by them being nice the rest of the time.

I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger.

Your feelings are just as valid as his, remember that. You're allowed to be angry with him and you're allowed to leave. His mental health does not trump yours just because he is an addict. Again I say that as an ex addict.

He says he'll do anything I ask.

But he said that before and meant it before, and it didn't happen.

He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

He may well want to but I think he needs to do that journey without you otherwise you will remain his defender and his soft place to land, his safety net. Like I said I don't believe an addict can healthily recover while in a relationship already tainted by the addiction.

You sound lovely and you have a little one to think of. He is setting you up to be the reason he doesnt recover - he may not mean to do this but by him saying he'll do anything, he wants to try again etc he's actually telling you that if you weren't going to walk away, he wouldn't get better. So whenever you argue in future he will be able to manipulate you by saying he'll give in to his addictions again / how could you abandon him etc.

He needs to really want to recover, not just want to keep you.

*I see a man who make me coffee every morning. Who wakes up every evening/early morning to feed his son. Someone who comes and says goodbye to.me in bed but also before he leaves the house. Who comes in after work and if I hadn't heard him/seen him he'll surprise with a hug. Someone who doesn't go to bed if I'm having a bad day, he'll stay awake until I feel better.

I see a blissful happy couple waking the dog and the baby. I see a couple who spends every evening watching things that he both enjoy in each other arms and offer both drift off to sleep. A couple who always cuddles in bed and stays that way and if not we at least hold hands.

I see a happy family. I see myself (and him) smiling. I see someone who admits his mistakes before they become any bigger.*

But you don't see a man who's sexting his ex work colleague about her tits and Danny (or pussy or whatever he called it in the text you found).

And it seems really unlikely he suddenly, in out of the blue sexted his ex work colleague, within background and build up.

He's an "electronic" cheater and could have become a physical one too (if he Def hasn't already).

It's not porn because he knows the woman and worked with her.

*fanny - fkg autocorrect

Addictions are a MH issue. I wouldn't abandon someone with a chronic disease. In this way this isnt much different as long as he follows treatment

You sound very codependent and your sociology knowledge is giving you a distorted lens on this situation. You can’t rationalise it or intellectualise it - he’s not a client.

Also, it’s wrong-headed to compare a MH issue like addiction with a chronic disease like cancer or MS. One of the symptoms of addiction is that the addict treats their loved ones badly.
Addiction negatively impacts the lives and mental health of those close to the addict in a way that ‘physical’ illnesses do not.

Therefore you should not attempt to rescue or fix the addict. It’s inappropriate, and, apart from anything else, it doesn’t work. Because as long as you’re there ‘supporting’ (read: enabling) him, he will always be able to blame you for his inability to get better. And you will willingly accept that blame because you have already accepted the responsibility for fixing him.

The bottom line is that this is who he is. You will not be able to change him - only he himself can decide to change and do the necessary work. So then you must choose whether you continue to accept the status quo until (if ever) he decides to sort himself out, or not.

He's not the perfect man -he wasn't before. You enable him. You excuse him.

It does sound like you’re saying he can be addicted to any of these things, as long as he’s honest with you about it? E.g. he wants to sext, sleep with, wank with other people - as long as he tells you he’s doing it and as long as it doesn’t cause any ripples to your fairytale home life?

He needs to really want to recover, not just want to keep you. This is 100% what needs to happen.

But I feel I should at least give him the chance to get better.

Maybe the chronic disease is a bad analogy but it is a MH issue

The last thread you said he said the sext you found was an absolute one off, and you seemed to believe that ... But then the blaming addiction for it started. As I and others said in that thread ..
How is it a one off and simultaneously addictive. Isn,t addiction about repeated behaviours.

It also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever that he just sexted that woman what he sexted her put of the blue, "one off". If he had he would've received a shocked, disgusted reply and possibly a police call. But it sounded like it was part of a convo and when you asked her, she said it was 'banter".

He didn't suddenly have that convo.with her put of the blue after how long not working together. They've obviously escalated towards that.

I think he's either a "deviant" or an addict. Given his previous life I'd go with the latter.

If he's the former it would be a lot harder, but at least I'd need honesty from.him.

So is he ow saying that he lied and he had been sexting with her more than once,band claimed it's be sure he has an addictive personality/mh issue?

I think you're addicted to being a martyr and his personal saviour.