To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

'just wanted to clarify that before I met him I was happy on my own with my dog.'

And now you say you were happy on your own with said dog prior to meeting him

Swiss cheese shocked it's still up
And yes have reported

I was supposed to join all of these thing but then the pandemic happened! Before that I was a competitive athlete but with pregnancy I left it, and I'm slowly starting to get back in shape.

Previous dog... I've had many dogs in my life. This is actually the third and so it says in her pedigree. This is our first joint dog.

'Previous dog... I've had many dogs in my life. This is actually the third and so it says in her pedigree. This is our first joint dog.'

Of course

'Before that I was a competitive athlete'

Yep

This is actually the third and so it says in her pedigree.

Before that I was a competitive athlete

Oh no, have I been had? I'm embarrassed now!

This is actually the third and so it says in her pedigree.

@Purplesndteal Do you mean it's called Fidonius Pfeffel the 3rd or something?

Has this whole thing been a random elaborate windup?

You're a sociologist and 'know a bit about human behaviour'. I'm not a sociologist but I also know a bit about human behaviour. You'd better have another look at your text books.

PP's have said this, but my impression is that you feel you really should be ok with this or you're uncool/old fashioned, and you're trying to convince yourself you're ok with it, when you're probably not really.

Most women wouldn't be happy with it (not that I'm saying that to guide your behaviour, just saying that if you're not ok with it then that's perfectly reasonable.)

@Purplesndteal

What would I see? I see a man who make me coffee every morning. Who wakes up every evening/early morning to feed his son. Someone who comes and says goodbye to.me in bed but also before he leaves the house. Who comes in after work and if I hadn't heard him/seen him he'll surprise with a hug. Someone who doesn't go to bed if I'm having a bad day, he'll stay awake until I feel better.

I see a blissful happy couple waking the dog and the baby. I see a couple who spends every evening watching things that he both enjoy in each other arms and offer both drift off to sleep. A couple who always cuddles in bed and stays that way and if not we at least hold hands.

I see a happy family. I see myself (and him) smiling. I see someone who admits his mistakes before they become any bigger.

If it's all so blissful, why post

Calling utter bullshit on this thread 💩

Either that or total unhinged made-up nonsense.

Which is it?

I think it's the latter. The OP clearly has a dull as fuck life and desperately want to be 'interesting' and 'mysterious' or something. I've come across this before, they put up with total sleaze shit from
some guy they have on a pedestal and then you see/meet him and think is that it. Is that HIM????

A friend of mine used to take me as his plus one to academic parties and they were full of this shit. He took me because his colleagues (classics) were so deeply unpleasant he wanted a bit of backup (shy etc). And the clothes. Omg the clothes. Just the worst dressed people with no social skills but all convinced they were superior beings. Apologies to any super academic types - I didn't have a problem with it (I was friends with one!) but as a group those ones were just awful.

And the OP is also a therapy addict, seeing herself as both the patient and the therapist. It's her whole life.

Do you mean it's called Fidonius Pfeffel the 3rd or something?

😁.

Op you.could get back to thar sport or join new sports/hobbies .. that would both give you more social and friendship options, and maybe if he was busy looking after his own child, your DH wouldn't have as much free time to sit on his arse (wanking presumably) sexting "you know the type" female ex works colleagues.

It would be wonderful if you also met some decent men, got perspective and stopped trying to psychoanalyse a sleazy, low integrity dickhead into being marriage & family material.

@Vodkacranberryplease - yeah I think you’re right.

Wow those party’s sound sooooo much fun

You realise he's like a walking checklist for "will end in divorce or misery";

• "previous" porn addiction - check
• "previous" cam sex addiction - check
• "previous" drug use/addiction - check
• caught sexting other women - check

Plus whatever else you don't know yet.

And the clothes. Omg the clothes.

I used to frequent the uni library in Cambridge and some of the academics looked like they'd been mauled by big cats; like pockets hanging out the bottom of jackets and shredded sweaters.

^I've come across this before, they put up with total sleaze shit from
some guy they have on a pedestal and then you see/meet him and think is that it. Is that HIM????^

@Vodkacranberryplease I think a lot of us have been that woman at one point or another.

Oh no this is another level. We have all put up with shit we shouldn't and I'm the last to judge. This is a different thing all together.

Yes, the dog is called Seanna the 3rd. I've had the first and the secod, but this one is our first together.

Therapy was good. She told me she saw it as a positive force to get rid of the neurotic side of our relationship and stop seeing him as some magical unicorn and the human being he is.
She also said I have fairly unorrhoy views in life and trying to fit in with what lost people think leaves me frustrated (i.e. asking advice here).

That's why the people who know me and are friends with me IRL gave me advice more aligned to my own believes.

For that reason I'm leaving this thread and probably all others in the future. Even if you see the very original one about the wedsy everybody tried to say that I was forcing myself to be cool, but that's not the case. That's me, that's always been me.

Anyways, thank you all for all your input. But I'm not made for these boards and just add to my neurosis.

I'm no troll but you're free to believe whatever you like. Again, thanks for your time.

Mumsnet is actually full of neurodiverse (including me) people who are highly intelligent as well as a number of trained professionals who have a very thoughtful, accepting and reasoned way of looking at things.

However you would rather go down the rabbit hole your therapist sends you down because it is easier. Fair enough. Much easier to decide we don't understand. But I thought you didn't have any friends?

Anyway you'd rather set yourself up as the special one and that's ok. You'll grow out of it one day. Much as you had him set up on a pedestal you have yourself set up as so interesting and intelligent no one could possibly understand you except someone you pay money for.

A therapist who allows you to think that should be shot imho. They should be encouraging you to learn how to function in the world we live in, not the world you would like to live in. That's their job.

I don't get why anyone would willingly waste thousands, plus their free time, but maybe to you it's a relationship- someone to replace a mother or father.

I know someone that was doing it three times a week when we met. And was a mess. I encouraged her to cut back and find a hobby which she did and it gave her a bit of a life (singing in a choir, not my cup of tea but perfect for her and very social). Now she's met someone after years of singledom (no time to meet anyone before) and bought a house after years of renting (no money) and as far as I know is doing it once a week if that.

Real life is healing her and giving her what she needs. Therapy should give you the wings to get out and live - not be an ongoing crutch/source of all information.

Happy just you and your dog?! What about your 7 year old?

I strongly suspect that your "therapy" is just more intellectual wanking where your therapist lets you intellectualise some more and does absolutely fuck all for your emotional development

This entire thread is either a bored teenager or someone genuinely loving the smell of their own farts. It’s all intellectual Masturbation and self-congratulation. “My NHS midwife thought I was too smart for my own good” and all this nonsensical, “enlightened” and “cool” attitude to sex. Like giving a blowjob “just coz”. Lulz.

The actual problem here is you have 3 children who are going to grow up around this sexual/attention seeking fuckwittery. I know people are different but I don’t think it’s really that healthy to emotionally disconnect and do all this bizarre sexual stuff with no motivation. “Sexting because I was bored. lol” “wanted to go to swinging party for lolz”. It’s not normal, healthy behaviour.

Your posts read like you’re winding people up, or you’re 16, or you have a real psychological issue. Your therapist is not helping you.

'Happy just you and your dog?! What about your 7 year old?'

Well one does wonder

Perhaps the same place as Seanna dog Mark 1 and 2

Bullshitesville Tennessee

An academic my arse

Dreadful inferiority issues more like

@MarthasGinYard
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣