To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

OP addiction is not a disease. A MH issue yes, but it’s not a disease. I agree with the other posters say you’re allowing your intellectual understanding to skew your perspective.

People are still responsible for their actions, whether fuelled by addiction or not. It’s why organisations like AA make sure addicts take accountability for their behaviours and not use their addictions as a ‘get out clause’.

If you want to stay with your partner, I wouldn’t judge you. But I wouldn’t advise you trying to rescue him after his actions have hurt you. You matter too.

I think you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of role model you want for your child?

Also nobody is perfect, it's impossible, if someone appears to be perfect they are trying very hard to hide something.

This is 100% what needs to happen.

But I feel I should at least give him the chance to get better.

These are totally contradictory statements really, he does have the chance to get better while not in a relationship with you.

He would just prefer to stay in the relationship with you and risk hurting you more and have a soft place to land if he fails.

Your child is priority here, by defending their fathers poor behaviour and enabling it to continue, when it affects the whole family, you are giving your child a totally warped viewpoint of relationships that they will carry with them into adulthood.

He can go away, work on himself and if he gets better and is strong you can decide if you want to get back together. Then you can be two strong healthy happy parents who live under the same roof OR if he recovers but you don't get back together you can be two strong healthy happy parents who live in different houses.

If you think you'll be together forever then you can take some time out and reunite after he's done the hard work he needs to do.

He's not really sorry, he's sorry he got caught and he's sorry for himself he might lose you, I think he's saying enough to make you stay but you know deep down this will happen again. You're worth more and your child is worthy of a better modelling of relationships.

What do I see? A man who has zero respect for the mother of his child, a man who is willing to jeopardise his child's future for a quick sexual thrill and wank, a man who is selfish enough to cause you pain and not care. My ex did this, he had mental health issues too, so like you I forgave and "we" worked on his MH but he just did it again as soon as he thought I had stopped policing his phone and laptop. I found it quite telling that despite my ex (and your current) partner's MH issue they seem to be quite competent in lying, covering their tracks and being "normal" with the women they are sexting but when found out claim their MH is the reason for their behaviour, it a convenient "get out of jail free" card he will continue to play every time he gets caught with a new or previous "addiction". I am not sure how you could ever be "blissfully happy" with a man who holds you in such low regard.

I had a longer reply, but yes I agree that distance would help, but I can't fly to be back with my family and support network.

The fact that you use superlatives like ‘perfect’ and ‘fairytale’ just reads like you don’t really have a grasp on the reality of the situation.

This man engages in, at best, sexually deviant (your word) behaviour behind your back. And you say you would be willing to accept it as part and parcel of his ‘illness’, as long as he’s honest with you about it.

That’s a very low bar you’re setting for yourself and your child. In that scenario he gets to continue treating you badly without impunity. And in fact it will only make you feel more sorry for him.

Be very wary of establishing a doctor/patient or parent/child dynamic with him. What happens when the patient gets better or the child grows up? They don’t need the doctor or the parent any more. You could find that when he feels strong enough he might leave you anyway. And then you would be in the reverse position of needing him to stay sick so that he continues to need you.

It is all very unhealthy. All you can do is protect yourself and your child from the damaging effects of his behaviour. The rest is up to him.

I’m really surprised to hear someone rationalise continued indiscretions as a mental health issue. As a sociologist you surely must know that the construct of sex addiction is hotly debated. It’s not considered a real mental illness & I say that as someone with bipolar disorder.

it sounds though like you are ok to tolerate his behaviour providing he can keep it discreet & not allow it to affect your relationship. That’s good, monogamy is not for everyone. If you are happy to have an open relationship then who cares what anyone else here says!

His behaviours are considered cheating here on Mumsnet. You’re not going to find great info on open relationships here, you would be better off seeking advice on reddit non-monogamous / polygamy forums.

I’d like to ask how you feel he would react to you behaving in this manner - I hope what’s good for the goose is good for the gander! It would be hypocritical if he were to take exception to you doing the same.

but to reassert - not a mental illness.

he’s not a client.

Even if the sexting this ex work colleague (which as I said did not happen like a lightning strike out of nowhere, there has been a buildup between them to what you found while he's been doing all the "lovely" things you've outlined with and for you) ...is truly due to an addictive personality; even MH professionals (wise ones anyway), psychologists/psychiatrists etc. would not try to have a relationship with him.

What's the success rate for permanently solving addictions? From personal observation less than 50%, considerably less. I'll tell you addicts of any sort do .. make their partners and families miserable. Adversely affect their lives.

You'll break yourself trying to fix him. Or you'll break yourself giving him chances to fix himself - however you want to put it. I predict this type of behaviour will reoccur in one guise or another and you'll be a broken women (with more kids by him) by the time you eventually give up.

Also it's not like porn that he's been sexting his ex work colleague ... he's essentially had an emotional affair with her... How many women do you think get into sexting with a guy they have no flirtatious etc background and build up with.

When did they stop working together?

He's clearly been keeping in touch to some degree and building toward sexual interaction (even if it's "only" by text) during that period, which may have coincided with your pregnancy, your new baby, all this nice stuff you're fixating on. Which makes him duplicitous, dishonest, fake etc.

viking yes it's debatable and thanks for the advice of going on Reddit. I know I'm some sort of grey area as I find the "chump Lady" pov/insight a bit too much for me.

Speaking to my physiologist friend (not my actual therapist) has helped me quite a bit.

Have just double checked & can confirm sex addiction (aka hypersexual disorder) is not listed in the DSM-V. So it’s not considered a real mental illness.

At the risk of sounding harsh - Here in my country a sociology degree falls under a Bachelor of Arts degree - it’s what you do when you want the uni experience. Nobody goes around after finishing a BA calling themselves a sociologist ! I understand that is your degree but it seems like you’re placing far too much importance on being clinical when your heart seems to be telling you the opposite.

Exactly - a sociologist is far from a psychologist / psychiatrist. I’m not trying to downgrade your degree here, but you are not a doctor.

You may be great at analysing the affect addictions have on society & within relationships- but experiencing it yourself is extremely different.

Here in my country you would not graduate & say “I’m a sociologist” - you’d say “I have a BA majoring in sociology”

Fk all the adduction talk and psychobabble; where is the loyalty to your little family, where is the decency, the integrity?

I also hold a mastery degree in sociology with a dissertation on online dating. I was an assistant university lecturer at some point in my life and had published papers in sociology. (Information and Society). I still haven't decided what my PhD will be on. The point is that I've dealt with online behaviours academically.

Ugh. Think I commented on your other post op.
I have spent a lifetime with addicts, from my parents onwards, in varying guises including pretty much every romantic partner I've ever had.
I've also worked in addiction services and have a wealth of knowledge and experience.

There is no way to intellectualise this issue when you're emotionally involved, unless you can completely detach yourself from this person in which case you're either a sociopath or are completely kidding yourself.

Your choices:

• accept it and keep making excuses and justifying it
• Try cackhandedly to control it by insisting he's honest with you about all his behaviour (this will hurt you immensely if he is honest or really mess with your head if he continues to hide things) *split up and do the dog baby thing on your own as you have already insisted you'll be happy doing and work out a coparenting plan.

As has been said to me before : the fact that you're on here asking a bunch of strangers how to live your life is sign enough that you have lost your way.

You have relinquished control of your life to him and to the MN massive.

What would you say to your child in future if they come to you with a his wanking with colleague over text messages scenario???

Take the power back or continue to enable him in this codependency

Seriously sex addiction is rolled out every time a guy fancies a bit on the side with ludicrous regularity. It's just the way he is, he hasn't got any integrity.

You won't get any rational advice on this site, OP.

master's degree

Anyways it might stem from my family my mum has a history degree and calls herself a historian. My sister has a PhD in criminal law and calls herself a lawyer even though she's never litigated. My father has two degrees one in literature and one in philosophy. He definitely doesn't call himself a philosopher but I digress.

@Purplesndteal

What would I see? I see a man who make me coffee every morning. Who wakes up every evening/early morning to feed his son. Someone who comes and says goodbye to.me in bed but also before he leaves the house. Who comes in after work and if I hadn't heard him/seen him he'll surprise with a hug. Someone who doesn't go to bed if I'm having a bad day, he'll stay awake until I feel better.

I see a blissful happy couple waking the dog and the baby. I see a couple who spends every evening watching things that he both enjoy in each other arms and offer both drift off to sleep. A couple who always cuddles in bed and stays that way and if not we at least hold hands.

I see a happy family. I see myself (and him) smiling. I see someone who admits his mistakes before they become any bigger.

you're not seeing the real man. You're seeing the dream man. The man you wish you had.

In reality you have a man that has broken your trust and sent sordid texts to someone else while you and his baby are, what? Waiting for coffee in bed.

YOu're making excuses for him. He may a drug addict. But a sex addict? we all do it, make excuses for those who we wish were perfect - I did it too, he was damaged, he was depressed, he was abused. By all means stay with him, but expect that he'll do it again.

And yes you're listening to your heart, not your head. Your head would take your baby and leave this man to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

Sounds like you have s lot going for you, stop wasting your time with this prick.

Cutting your losses now is the best likely result here.

You won't get any rational advice on this site, OP

That must be way so many posters come back a few years later and say "I wish I'd listed to you, you were right"; almost every day, I see a thread like that.

I hear what you’re saying but a BA even with masters is still a basic arts degree here in australia & is notorious for having no job prospects afterwards. You should be proud of your academic achievements but must realise it’s not a specialised degree, it has nothing to do with medicine. It’s considered lower in rank than a social work degree.

I am not trying to sound mean - but this is the first time ever have read a person justifying being cheated on because they have an arts degree.

This idea of fairytales & perfection - you speak like your degree is this amazing thing, but it’s just an arts degree...not considered anything special by academic standards really. Sorry but it’s not ! Your need for perfection seems to relate to talking up this degree to me for some reason I can’t effectively explain at this hour.

I am a privileged private school girl though, so those of us who did arts were the bludgers & yes I did arts too so I am knocking myself here ;)

*listened

Your child is priority here, by defending their fathers poor behaviour and enabling it to continue, when it affects the whole family, you are giving your child a totally warped viewpoint of relationships that they will carry with them into adulthood.

Dissertation means fuck all in this context. Your roles and qualifications do not make you capable of fixing or even managing your 'partner' .
Many people with amazing positions and qualifications are also having shit lives outside of the professional or academic arena.
If you haven't already then watch the shit show which is Tony slattery's real life documentary.
Even if you tell yourself that this is mentally illness and addiction, just look at his Tony's long suffering boyfriend. Completely martyred his life for this guy. He is micro managing and tolerating and has done door something like 30 years. You watch it and tell me that boyfriend is happy and fulfilled.
He's playing role of parent and nurse. Maybe he gets some pleasure from having a completely dependent boyfriend but I see him as a good person who is still holding on to the dream of their once perfect loving relationship.
I have watched many women and family members (including me), martyr themselves over my addict and mentally unwell parents
I have all so observed my own behaviour in similar scenarios with partners as well as that of families of people who have these issues
Most are lying to themselves; enjoying having an element of control over a weak/flawed person or are martyrs.

What do I see? A man who has zero respect for the mother of his child, a man who is willing to jeopardise his child's future for a quick sexual thrill and wank, a man who is selfish enough to cause you pain and not care. My ex did this, he had mental health issues too, so like you I forgave and "we" worked on his MH but he just did it again as soon as he thought I had stopped policing his phone and laptop. I found it quite telling that despite my ex (and your current) partner's MH issue they seem to be quite competent in lying, covering their tracks and being "normal" with the women they are sexting but when found out claim their MH is the reason for their behaviour, it a convenient "get out of jail free" card he will continue to play every time he gets caught with a new or previous "addiction". I am not sure how you could ever be "blissfully happy" with a man who holds you in such low regard.

This.
x100