To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

Don't play games with your therapist. Unless you have a therapist who stops you from intellectualising the process, you aren't going to get far. Sit with the emotions instead. I bet you can't actually do that. Try it tomorrow. No talking, just letting the feelings emerge. I agree wholeheartedly with rvby.

There's a lot of weird dynamics at play in your relationship from the way you present it. It honestly reminds me of people I know who play bdsm roles in their relationship on a full time basis. I wonder why that is? Maybe there's a lot of role play rather then authentic self going on? He can do anything but he has to tell you about it. He's let you down, now here comes the punishment .. Bad boy. Bring in the outside person for a dose of humiliation. Just a thought.

Op
marriage isn’t a fairytale

Your qualifications are a complete red herring.

If you want to forgive him again then take ownership of that decision.

Don't disguise it all with academic waffle as if you can cure this really unappealing (IMO) man with some deep insight into his skanky behaviour.

Who was he sexting op?

Porn is one thing that doesn’t require active participation from someone else.its looking at images.

Sexting requires two people. Who was the other party?

And ex colleague of like 6-8 years ago. I know how sexting works. I've done it many times, but it can be complete mindless sexual content the same way porn can be.

It doesn't even need a wank. It can also be seen as interactive erotic literature. This was completely unimaginative with zero literary value.

I know people here will say "but it was someone he knows, it matters" but to me it could be the woman next door (although that would be fairly awkward). It's the content that matters, to me any ways.

I like porn. But the difference between porn & sexting / cam girls is that porn is a
masturbation tool.

There is no chance of Jenna Jameson taking it to real life. There is no chance of family money being spent (who pays for porn these days) and it’s not deceitful unless porn is a not tolerated in your relationship. Generally speaking Most men & many women enjoy looking at some form of porn on occasion.

Most people don’t announce that they masturbated that day. I would assume a partner masturbates. What I wouldn’t assume is they are engaging in 2 way contact with another person. That is much more interactive, it crosses the line from fantasy’ into a grey area.

I’m quite confused if this man has been told it’s ok to sext other people & just let them know, why he would continue to lie, unless the secrecy is what gets him off. Or does he think the OP would be upset ? Why lie if you know your partner does not care?

Sounds like he would prefer not to know if OP sexts someone else, he would rather be in the dark. So in turn he keeps her in the dark. He does not want to allow her the same openness. That’s pretty selfish.

OP you sound like you’re caught up in the “cool girl” trope. As though you’re more highly evolved than someone who would not tolerate this. You’re only fooling yourself & I believe you will confuse a therapist too. As someone above said be very careful about your expectations from therapy if you aren’t honest about what you want the outcome to be here. If you go in wanting to facilitate the terms of an open relationship, that is what you get. They will not be treating an addiction or resolving infidelity so you can move forward...I do believe you need intense therapy though.

Yeah I’m backing out of this thread, am starting to think this may be a troll wanting us to talk about sexual stuff. Maybe we are all unknowingly this person’s interactive masturbation device right now !

Otherwise why come on here with a problem, them people try to help & then say there is no problem ? This has got to be a wind up.

I've been in therapy on and off for many years. My new therapist is great and have made great improvement.

I actually never openly told him sexting was fine. I just thought that she should know I would be ok with it given how I'm ok with most things.

According to him most women (at least his ex partners) went crazy when they saw him watching porn and they equalled it to cheating.

We had never spoken about what we both consider and don't consider cheating until now.

From your other thread: He said he just didn’t think what he was doing.

What a preposterous, and manipulative, lie. He chose to sexually interact with his former colleague, commenting about her breasts and genitals. He chose to make a fool of you.

As for his claim that this was a one-off, he obviously has a dodgy history with OW to know that she’d be receptive to a sleazy dialogue. You didn’t see the entire message before he deleted it, and there were likely others that he previously deleted.

He should have told me, as he should have known I would have been ok with it. I’m confused that he didn’t and why would he jeopardize everything exactly what for?

But that is the point. He was attracted to the illicit thrill of secretly sexting OW, especially after his superb performance in his “fairytale” role at home. He went rogue and that is what is bothering you.

I hope you have a skilled and experienced couples counselor who will challenge any manipulative behavior displayed by either of you.

A side of me sees a problem the other side doesn't see the problem. I'm trying to reconcile both of them even if they're juxtaposed.

How long have you been with him OP (apologies if already covered)

God it’s all such hard work all this hand wringing therapy wanking porn “addictions” navel gazing. Your poor child. Do you really have the patience for all this? I certainly wouldn’t. Relationships are supposed to be fun and uncomplicated. You are choosing this god knows why. Can you not just find a normal man and take up a nice hobby together?

We've been together almost 4 years. The first two were fairly crazy. Lots of alcohol, some drugs but tons of fun. Before we settled down we went on that trip and then had our baby. Just before I conceived we went to Amsterdam and we were glad he wasn't conceived then because it was definitely too excessive.

My relationship was fun and uncomplicated until last Friday. It was literally all fun and games. Our biggest issue in our relationship was not being able to decide about our wedding reception.

I understand you're coming at this from a professional viewpoint but this isn't a case study, this is your life. Your description of your perfect partner also sounds like your dream and not the reality. I would say that most men who have affairs still bring their wives tea in bed and hug them when they come home.

My personal (unqualified but experienced) opinion is that he was sexting her because he wanted to. As simple as that, and he know which buttons to press to get your sympathy rather than your disgust. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery with a cheater.

Sometimes when I'm with him I can feel like I'm in a field of flowers, I can feel the warmth of the sun and the soft breeze. I literally can transport myself there. It had never happened to me before until I've met him.

You sound delusional if you are real. How can you reconcile this feeling of flowers & sunshine / rainbows from a sociological standpoint ?

Because I would say that’s just oxytocin

It's euphoria apparently. I've told my therapist about it and she thought it's related to my relationship wellbeing. When I'm very, very happy I can see clots/images (in the style of augmented reality). It doesn't happen a lot but has happened a few times.

Yes it's a mix of oxytocin/dopamine that's what I've been told anyways and makes sense.

Am a bit surprised at the characterisation of the first couple of years of your relationship as crazy excess, youthful frivolity and then you settled down - you were both already parents then?

...I'm sorry, are you for real?

You seem to have an emotional age of about five. You fantasise about fairytale relationships with no model whatsoever of what an adult partnership actually looks like. You sound like the over-bright child who intellectualises everything and has made it to adulthood having developed absolutely no emotional intelligence and no respect for their own emotions. I strongly suspect that your "therapy" is just more intellectual wanking where your therapist lets you intellectualise some more and does absolutely fuck all for your emotional development.

No adult marriage is about fairytales and fields of flowers and coffee in the morning. You are living in a dream world. It's pretty clear from your descriptions that the man you've created in your head doesn't exist and never did, but frankly I don't even think that's your biggest problem - your biggest problem is that he saw you coming, he took your lack of emotional development and exploited it.

Fire your therapist and find another one who challenges you on your feelings. Who won't let you disappear up your own arse by turning your relationship into a halfbaked case study for your dissertation.

Yes it’s as if a teen is writing this

'My relationship was fun and uncomplicated until last Friday. It was literally all fun and games. Our biggest issue in our relationship was not being able to decide about our wedding reception.'

I think you condition yourself to think you live this perfect life with dog, baby and the DP who brings you a cuppa etc. Ever thought it's not addiction....it's just who he is. You seem to label the entirety of your existence with 'excitement' 'addiction' an excuse or explanation for each facet. Perhaps he just has less respect for you than you think, and a dirty side he enjoys solo. My issue would be this isn't random 'sexting' I haven't read your previous thread but it's clearly someone he knows.

That's a different ball game.

You sound so eager to vocalise what a cool wild free spirit you are and all little stories to convince of this. It's extremely sad verging on desperate.

You seem to have to qualify everything with a little recount of your qualifications and 'papers' etc. Are you like this is RL? It must be truly exhausting. Even qualifying he's not used to 'car sex' in your opinion as he couldn't get comfortable when you and he have a fuck in the car.

But hey as long as the world see's you all walking as a family, and planning silly weddings then that's all good it seems

Yes we were. But when we were on our own we had the luxury of living like we were in early 20s with all the excesses that come with them. I'm really glad we had them, with the baby it's harder to get back to that obviously, but we still make time to have a great sex life. I think we had sex within 10 days of the baby being born.