To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

How am I making it easy for him when were going to therapy? I'm.not interested in having access to his FB or phone. Never been that person, never will. Do I wonder what he does at work? Do I wonder if he had texted her, etc? Not really either.

He's seen the impact of his actions and we're trying to figure out things as we go.

Why are you posting on here then op? You have answers for everything, reasons, excuses, justifications and now say the only thing you're hurt about is him not telling you but otherwise you would be OK with it.
Annd you're in therapy alone and as a couple. And you've had some very helpful advice from friends in real life.
I don't get what you are asking here, nor what you were asking for yesterday?
I'm curious because I have been with this kind of guy more than once. My interest is because it rings many bells for me.
My experience is, the more I offer a forum for honesty and openness the more they hide and each time I find out about yet another lie or secret the worse things are.
I completely identify with the poster above who found herself in a mental health unit because of it.
These people wrap you in knots
You may well be open to polygamy but be careful you're not agreeing to it to make yourself more attractive in order to keep someone at your side.
Really explore this in therapy
Why you ask for advice but also say you don't have a problem with his actual behaviour

I post because I'm in conflict and I haven't seen my therapist yet to explore these feelings. I'm ok for the most part with his behaviour, but why does it still hurt? Granted it has got better every day. This was day three and definitely the best one so far. I feel like I'm almost feeling normal again. After talking and talking and talking I'm looking forward to therapy, to what it can bring and what we can become from it. It's almost more exciting than when we were planning the wedding.

I'm ok for the most part with his behaviour, but why does it still hurt?

Because you're not ok with his behaviour.

Yes, I can isolate the fact that I'm.not ok with him not telling me whereas the sexting in itself I'm ok with. I'm tryingt to reconcile both.

Oh OP, don't you think you can do better than this?

@farmerben Couldn't you just block them? Or do you like the attention?

Maybe? I don't know. I don't even know if I'd be interested I could.live a happy life with my dog andaby an extra puppy. But I want to give it a chance, he does too and that's what we'll have to figure out in therapy.

OP - as I said in the previous thread something about your posts seem odd as they oscillate too much. And details keep popping uk.

But I’ll try again.
You say he should have known you’ll be OK with his sexting. Have you actually ever specifically discussed your flexible approach to sexuality/monogamy. Was he clear on that - because if not, it’s not an assumption one would naturally make.

Also as a sociologist, and having taken psychology too - it seems odd that you are so understanding of addiction, but seem to have trouble understanding/accepting a very basic human behaviour.
If the answer to my first question - yes he was clear and we had a rule of what’s allowed, but with transparency - still.
Humans like to break rules. Even in open relationships there is cheating. Because humans find it thrilling.
As someone who says they are analytical and have your background - not understanding that is slightly strange.

And of course - if he didn’t believe you’d approve - he hid it because he was scared of your reaction.

In addition, I do find it odd that someone with your background would talk of having a fairy tale he broke. And that you fell out of love with him in a day - that was in your previous thread.

I don’t know how to put my finger to it. But you seem either making up a convoluted story, or something else is going on.

You are having difficulty reconciling because you are a human being with feelings.
You seem very at odds with your language and then clinical almost detached attitude. For example wanting the fairy tale relationship, but then acting as a fixer/support which are conflicts.
I said you are making it easy for him as while you are there, eager to resolve at any cost, to the point of getting excited, you are giving him the message its ok to hurt me, I will stay as my feelings are secondary to your selfish deceitful behaviour.
Deep down you must want him to stop or why waste time and money on therapy.
Nothing should be this much work.
Men who really love and care would not carry on causing hurt and mistrust to the point it ends in therapy.
Justify all you want to us here, I been there, I know how heart crushingly painful it is. But dont lie to your own heart.
But that may involve getting angry, and feeling like you are done with him and you cant do that right now?
But if he will not change (by choice) you will have to accept he is not the prince in your dreams after all, just a regular sleaze who risks a real relationship for sexting, and you are literally not worth a wank to him.

I only got a few lines into the post and I knew the answer. I'm surprised you have to ask.
Leave. X

Gosh. So in essence you don't care what he does as long as he tells you.
In fact you can't wait to get into therapy so you can talk about his behaviour even though you are not looking to change it. Or maybe you are because it's 'an addiction'. But either way going to therapy to talk about it (where I guess you have the upper hand because he's the bad one) is more exciting than getting married.

He spends his time fostering sexual attraction for other women and acting on it. But is perfect.

Really. Just accept he's going to behave like this and is not going to tell you because keeping it from you is half the fun. He doesn't want you involved - it's his hobby not yours and he's not sharing it. He doesn't want an open relationship- he wants to be 'bad'. And you want him to be 'bad' or have 'issues' because that's far more interesting than some boring guy who isn't as 'complicated'.

Because obviously you're so incredibly intelligent that a man who wasnt deeply flawed just wouldn't be, well, interesting enough. Oookkkaayyy.

Just let himself sank himself stupid over other women. He'll get bored when it doesn't get him attention. Do you even care? At least it's not costing him loads of money. Mind you I guess he'll escalate to hookers etc at some point as there's a limit to what people will do for free.

But don't be naive enough to think he will tell you. It isn't fun when mummy knows. God all those degrees and so little common sense. Just stop caring and find your own fuck buddies.

The confusion OP is experiencing & oscillating is due to COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

Yes he who could end up with prostitutes, so far he hasnt. I know this because o had to audit his bank account when we bought the house. No money disappearing mysteriously.
Frankly he has never disappeared. He doesn't have the type of job that he can "work late". He cycles to work and uses GPS to track it, so no room for spending extra hours somewhere. He can't work extra hours can't be sent on business trips etc. His social life is very reduced, so he never goes out. Outside of work he's just home with me. Apart from going to the toilet, but it's never excessive and not always takes his phone.

People who cheat and use the phone as a tool usually have sketchy behaviours. Yes, he could mostly be doing at work and nowhere else for thwost part and have to accept that as possibly

People / couples can get over from cjeating. That's the whole deal about Esther Perel.

I'm interested to see what my therapist tells me.

Cognitive dissonance does explain how I feel, thanks for pointing it out
.

You are completely disconnected from your body. You've intellectualized your relationship. That's why your thoughts and feelings seem not to align, and why your posts "oscillate" in this strange way.

This isn't uncommon for academics in the social sciences. I just feel for your child who is growing up in a fucked dynamic.

Addictions are a MH issue. I wouldn't abandon someone with a chronic disease. I mean... come on op. As a pp says, "sex addiction" is a hotly contested item... and this guy has proven to you time and again that he prefers to lie as a relationship management technique. That's his issue. Not his alleged "sex addiction". Hes just seen you coming and knows you will let him do whatever he likes, forever, and you'll never give him a single consequence. Bum in butter.

Can I suggest that you stop engaging your intellect a bit, and start writing down the sensations in your body and the emotions that you feel, each day. Do that for 6 months, every day. You'll soon find your heart and mind are very much aligned. Get back in touch with your actual feelings, before you let your intellectual wanderings ruin your child's mental health. Children of codependent mums, especially those as disconnected from themselves as you sound like you are, do not grow up to find happiness.

When have I said this? and this guy has proven to you time and again that he prefers to lie as a relationship management technique

I've never mentioned he's lied to me in the past.

He's only one step away from a dick falling into someone else addiction, if not already. Will that be enough to shatter your fairytale then op?

I know this doesn't prove anything but I'm STD free. And he's always at home when he should be from work. He never goes out, I never go out. Realistically when would.he have the time to do it? His 30 Min lunch break? I guess it's possible

If he doesn't lie to you, why are you wishing he'd be honest with you? You say All I want is honesty ... so you have that already, then? Which would mean theres no problem here?

As far as I'm.aware he's only lied to me this time. Of course I came deny it the possibility that's there's more to it..but as an episode of lying this is the first an only time. If I hadn't found it by chance he wouldn't have told me (by his own admission). He was lying by omission.

The other issue with intellectualising infidelity in a relationship (as opposed to listening to your emotions) is that it’s underpinned by a belief that you’re rising above these socially constructed emotions - you sound like you believe you are more “awakened / woke” than someone who reacts emotionally to a situation.

However your core feelings seem to more aligned towards wanting monogamy. Otherwise why rationalise this as an addiction to treat ?

Sounds like ideally you would like to work through this issue with a view to returning to monogamy. You don’t actually seem to really want an open relationship. Either he is dishonest or has a disorder & you alternate between the both.

It’s like you’re ashamed to admit that you prefer old fashioned daggy monogamy. That being too emotional is a negative female trait & you want to rise above your socially constructed emotions to a higher ground.

It is totally possible to believe in open relationships without wanting that for yourself. It’s like supporting LGBTQs but not actually identifying with it for yourself.

You still have not answered whether your partner would tolerate this behaviour in you (sorry if you have & I missed it)

As Oprah would say, what is your authentic self ? Your emotional construct of a “perfect fairytale” relationship does not really sound like it includes visions of opening up your relationship. While I think the fairytale is naive, the reality of your relationship is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Assuming he works outside the home he could easily take a day off, or go meet up with someone else on his lunch break. Cheaters will find a way, they always do. Incredibly naive to assume he has no time to cheat & that you have an overview of his personal finances down to the dollar. You seem pretty clear you would not snoop his messages or invade his privacy, so how would you begin to find out where his money is going ?

He will carve out some personal time & then lie saying he went to work that day...He is a proven liar & you don’t want to check up on him.

I predict by the end of this relationship you will feel worthless & your self esteem will be shattered. This is how nervous breakdowns happen - one day your intellectual & emotional struggle will cause you to implode. Like your brain will short circuit because you blew the engine overthinking all this & ignoring your authentic self.

I think realistically you need to adopt a ‘Don’t ask don’t tell policy. Turn a blind eye & be happy with your lot. Don’t waste time with couple’s counselling. Just stop thinking about this & get over it basically.

Many people would not stand for this, but many also enjoy their lifestyle & are willing to turn a blind eye. I would say that is arguably more old fashioned approach, due to divorce being viewed negatively in society.

If he takes a day off, it would be unpaid and I would know about this as no money would come into the account. He doesn't have that much annual leave because they always have to take two weeks off at Christmas.

One week off is usually spent at his mom's and two weeks with mine. Any other absences would be reflected in his income and I'd know it.

Of course yes, he could.meet with someone during his 30min lunch break. It would have to happen in her car as he doesn't drive to work and there are no offices, just a workshop. His colleagues are there though, so the car would be his only option. He had no idea of how to get comfortable in the car when we did it, so I'm inclined to think he doesn't have a lot of experience in car sex.

I'm into exhibitionism. I haven't considered swinging but I can see what's appealing about it. I'd be curious to go to a party. We did consider going to a swinger's resort. We didn't go in the end because we thought we would be grossed out by it (in pure hygienic reasons and knowing that obviously we wouldn't be looking at models). Instead we went to a different resort had a blast and even went to central Cancun to score some coke. We'd never do that again but as an "adventure" it was fun -ultimately we were happy we didn't get mugged/killed- but we do remember it every now and then and giggle about it.

But...why start this thread then?

Again how would he feel if you had lied by omission about a similar thing?

Saying it’s only lying by omission is again minimising it. That’s how cheaters cover their tracks, leaving little details out.

is he not allowed to take money out & every transaction is on card? People commonly purchase gift cards when they don’t want transactions traced.

You either don’t care about this or you do. This thread is a waste of time for both yourself & people who have posted.

Just let it go & turn a blind eye, it’s the only way forward that I can see in which you will be happy here. He will not stop lying because the secrecy is part of the thrill. Doing something naughty is part of the fun. Just accept it & enjoy your relationship for what it is.

I never minimised it a lie (by omission or not) is a lie. Which is what I struggle with. According to him, he would prefer not to know, because if he didn't know it wouldn't hurt him. We haven't talked much about it but what's what we've discussed so far.

Is not that he's not allowed to take money out but he doesn't, it's a joint bank account after all. So I'd know if he'd purchase anything. Which is problematic when we want to buy presents for each other those are the joys of joint bank accounts.

I created this thread in a moment of "woman in pain". The truth is that I don't feel that way all the time, and as time passes my emotions go back to normal. I sometimes have horrible mood swing, especially around my period..I'm not having them this time which is surprising too, but maybe I have more control over my emotions than I thought.

It's my internal conflict of I had found him.having a wank fest to Jenna Jameson greatest hits I wouldn't have an issue at all. I've always put sexting and porn in the same bracket, then why did it bother me so much? These are questions to explore with my therapist.

He has to explore why he didn't stop. He says he wants to save the relationship and win my trust back, he has to prove it. To me the first step is honest introspection. I'm hoping couples therapy will gives us tools too. I also imagine he'll need his own therapist. We'll have to see what the therapist suggests tomorrow.