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Original poster

To those who have stayed after sexting...

302 replies

Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 11:24

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 18:06

I would disagree with being just an arts degree. It's not where I come from. It was five years long and had to take psychology for three of those five years. Tons of statistics (every year of the degree) . I actually did a semester in Australia (in NSW) and the systems were very, very different. It was seen as a Micky mouse degree over there, whereas at home is seen as a proper social science. But we're digressing again. All I've said is that it has made me analytical.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 01/06/2020 18:15

I really don't think you should be marrying this man any time soon.

Your relationship dynamic is one of addict / enabler and child / martyr.

Can you see that? It's not clear from your posts whether you actually see how unhealthy your relationship dynamic is.

He's had a foot out of the door and an eye elsewhere for a while now and you have pulled him back inside from that door. He didn't do that himself, because he didn't want to enough.

If he could have you and a secret life of sexting other women then he would choose that. He did choose that. You finding out forced his hand but he didn't make the choice himself.

You're obviously a smart, motivated kind person. Forgetting my experience of addicts and mental health, speaking honestly... he sounds like a selfish wanker who hasn't had to grow up because he's had a safety net.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 18:21

Yes am in NSW & apologies for misunderstanding the difference between our system & yours (I thought ours would be more similar but don’t actually have a basis for that believe come to think of it!)

All the best whatever you decide. Also reddit relationships sub is usually well balanced responses from men & women so you may get better advice there... Mumsnet is obviously going to be skewed towards monogamous minded female opinion.

Crazycatperson · 01/06/2020 18:33

I think you know what you need to do. You have described some really worrying behaviours. You're not there to fix him. You accept too much, I'm not sure why, but I'm sure you deserve more than the act he is putting on which makes you feel that if it wasn't for this, that and the other he would be the perfect man. You sticking around and trying to understand his behaviour is damaging to you, and in the long-term will damage your child. You need to be happy so I'd start planning how to be.

kaylap7 · 01/06/2020 18:36

Hi OP, going through this now. Want to private message?

GilbertMarkham · 01/06/2020 19:11

monogamous minded female opinion.

Does op want polygamy?

Doesn't sound like it.

Does ops dh want polygamy? - nah, like most men he wants polygyny - big difference.

TheStuffedPenguin · 01/06/2020 19:55

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this

This screams NO - why would you put up with this ?

Then I read this and my heart sinks....

It was only texts, but it doesn't matter. The point is if he's really an addict he can get better. If he's just a deviant slightly different scenario.

All I want is honesty. If he want to go and wank with someone else, that's fine by me as long as he lets me know and it doesn't affect our home life and sex life (so lower drive for example)

Why do you want so little for yourself out of life ?

ChristmasFluff · 01/06/2020 19:57

Well if this is what he does when things are going great, what the hell is he gonna do when he's under stress?

You are over-analysing his deception and cheating. He's deceptive and cheats. Calling it an addiction doesn't make it any less respectful of you and your family.

And as I said, this is when life is going well. This is as good as he gets.

famousforwrongreason · 01/06/2020 20:14

*monogamous minded female opinion.

Does op want polygamy?

Doesn't sound like it.

Does ops dh want polygamy? - nah, like most men he wants polygyny - big difference.*

If I remember correctly, in the other post from the op she says something along the lines of being happy to embrace something along the lines of polygamy. I think.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 01/06/2020 20:15

I suspected my partner was cheating last year, so when I confronted him he confessed he has an addiction to porn. He was also messaging girls on Snapchat asking to see their genitals.
His excuse was MH and he had an addiction, yet somehow this addiction dissolved overnight to prove he was willing to make it work with me.
This is not how addictions work, they do not go away overnight Hmm
He is still feigning MH and now minimises his actions and invalidates my feelings.

Anyway I'm still here and fucking miserable, I was lied to continuously and consistently for over a year, gaslit and manipulated, and this cry of MH is still manipulating.

His behaviour wasn't MH related, it was greedy, selfish and entitled behaviour!

OP, he's cheat!

illclapwheniminpressed · 01/06/2020 20:16

It gets worse! That's the truth.
Exdp spent Boxing Day receiving fanny and butt plug pictures while pretending to be a family man, after spending weeks crying and begging me for us to work in our relationship etc etc.

Well I got rid on the 27th, and I don't regret it, I don't have a panic attack when someone gets a bloody text

NoHardSell · 01/06/2020 20:17

I'd recommend stepping back and just focussing on yourself and what makes you happy. Let him do what he chooses, just act when it affects your happiness. And then, when you act, act for you not for him. So no analysing him. What can you do to change your situation or the way you think about your situation? And no ...that's not ..change him

Huge amounts of therapy on codependence and reconnecting with your emotions might be useful here. Don't choose a therapist who lets you sit and analyse it all. You live in your head anyway. What you need is someone who lets you feel safe enough to feel the feelings.

I get it. I do it too. Were you from a family who needed a lot of support in some ways? You've learned some very unhealthy relationship patterns somewhere, anyway. I'd have you down as the coper of the family, the interface with the rest of the world, the supporter of the incapable in some way or other, the excuser of addictions perhaps

thefourgp · 01/06/2020 20:37

You’re enabling him to cheat on you and your child. He’ll never change. He’ll hurt you over and over and over again.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 20:42

Yes to someone who asked I'm ok with open relationships. In general (not just him). I've always believed fidelity is an spectrum and everyone can have their own definition.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 01/06/2020 20:51

I don't think he actually wants an open relationship though, I think he wants to do 'naughty' things that are secret because he gets a kick out of it and he doesn't have to make any real life effort with another person.

He just wants you at the same time, trusting him and letting him get on with it but it sounds like he's thrill seeking to an extent (something I had to work hard to get past when I was in treatment for my addiction) so an open relationship wouldn't satisfy the drive behind his behaviour.

Houseofmirth66 · 01/06/2020 21:00

‘Addicted’ to sexting. What a load of old cobblers. He just likes it and you’re a mug for making excuses for him. Funny how so called addictions to porn and sexting only seem to affect men.

GilbertMarkham · 01/06/2020 21:25

Yes to someone who asked I'm ok with open relationships

Two way open relationships?

(Not the type where the man gets to have other sexual partners but the woman somehow doesn't like Will & Jada Smyth apparently).

Anyway I take it you two haven't had a polygamous - honest open polygamous - to-date. So this sexting with his ex work.colleague (which did not start out of the blue quite some time after they worked together with the message you saw we can surmise) is infidelity and deceit.

GilbertMarkham · 01/06/2020 21:26

*polygamous relationship

GilbertMarkham · 01/06/2020 21:27

I don't think he actually wants an open relationship though, I think he wants to do 'naughty' things that are secret because he gets a kick out of it and he doesn't have to make any real life effort with another person.

Yup.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 01/06/2020 22:05

You are undecided which demonstrates you are not comfortable with this situation. Some part of you realises this is wrong and gives you the ick.
Stop being his therapist for starters and treating your relationship as a social experiment. You are a woman, with feelings and you matter.
Forget him for the moment, how does it make you feel, really?
Disgusted? Hurt? Confused?
You need to work through that.
I stayed for 4 and a half wasted years. Tried to fix, understand, justify. Waste of time.
Its not an addiction its a choice, every action is a choice. You do not say if you tell him you are struggling with this. A cup of coffee is NOT going to make that alright.
My exh had buttering me up with little 'displays of romantic stereotypical normality' played the perfect husband while sexting/ webcamming a multitude of woman (before moving on to sex workers) as a distraction, ploy to keep me sweet on him.
Lets face it if he was all bad you would be long gone!
But when I discovered his double life I was desperate, like you to change him and to have a fairytale ending.
So I stayed, tried to get him to change, policed his behaviour.
But not before I ended up so mentally ill I ended up in a mental health unit as it chipped away at my self esteem and my worth.
Every time he sexts Susan about what he wants to do to her he is making a choice to exclude you.
I eventually got out and am now remarried to an amazing guy who cherishes me and would not dream of disrespecting what we have, is personal to us for a cheap thrill.
You need to really be honest with yourself here, if a few fb worthy walks in park trumps him then going home and wanking himself silly to Tanya from accounts, then crack on.
Any decent guy confronted with the possibilty of losing his family would choose to stop immediately and seek help.
But you are making this very easy for him, sorry.
Oh and take off the rose tinted glasses too, as it impossible to see red flags wearing those.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 22:17

Do I feel disgusted? Not at all. Again when it junk of the sexual side of it I equal it to porn and I'm ok with it.

Hurt and confused. Yes, absolutely. He should have told me as he should have known I would have been ok with it. I'm confused that he didn't and why would he jeopardize everything exactly for what?

OP posts:
farmerben · 01/06/2020 22:30

I have been sexting two men for the last three years. One is a married work colleague, 20 years older than me. Another is an old school friend that lives in another country. I haven't seen him in over a decade.

I didn't set out to do this with either of them, it built up very slowly. They were both pushed it and I didn't stop them as I was curious.
Neither knows of the other, but I find it amusing that they both have the same type of moves.
I have told both of them to stop. They have also called it quits on occasion. We can go max 3 months without contact, and then it starts again. It's usually not me who instigates contact.

I don't know if I would ever make if physical. I know both of them would in a heartbeat. The one abroad even discussed flights.

I have neither of them on my social media. We use an app which is private.

It puts me off marriage. To the outside world, these men are perfect.

backseatcookers · 01/06/2020 22:33

It puts me off marriage. To the outside world, these men are perfect.

Doesn't it put you off that particular married man rather than marriage as a whole?

Don't understand how you don't have the ick about what an utter wanker he is. Ugh.

farmerben · 01/06/2020 22:47

Sure, if it was just one.

But it isn't...

And of course I get the ick. Which is why I haven't let it get physical and stop it.

backseatcookers · 01/06/2020 22:57

And of course I get the ick. Which is why I haven't let it get physical and stop it.

You said you stopped it but only ever for a few months then they get back in touch and you start doing it again.

You should think more of yourself than this if it's affecting your prospects of being in a happy healthy relationship in future.

Your contact with them is damaging your perception of relationships. Plenty of people have shit ones but plenty of people have good ones.

You are in control of your own choices. Next time you tell them to stop, block them. Or have some counselling to build up the tools to not reply when they get back in touch with you.