To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

@HauntedGoatFart well said

op is the real addict, so desperate for her drug she will take it in any form & at whatever cost other wellbeing

She is addicted to him. If she is even real

I've just seen all your countless threads in quick succession about weddings etc. If this is for real then please get some help. For yourself.

I'm in therapy, what other help can I get? This is the third month with my therapist but I've seen great changes so far.

I think we had sex within 10 days of the baby being born.

OP so much of what you say, like the above, comes across as you trying to be the coolest wife. I honestly don't mean this to be horrible but some of it has made me cringe! I think it's important you know that outside your bubble that's how it comes across.

In real life I wonder if it comes across as you being desperate to have that image and your partner takes advantage of that by knowing whatever happens you'll stay with him and change your boundaries to keep him.

You are not comfortable with his behaviour - you've started a thread on here and said you often feel angry or sad. Yet you focus on the idealistic view of the relationship.

This man wants to do things behind your back. He thrives on excitement. It's not just that he wants sexual interactions (whether online, texts or physical) so the open relationship thing wouldn't be enough for him. He would still want to have a bit of his life he doesn't share with you.

He's learned how to make you desperate to keep hold of him because you seem desperate to preserve this image of you as a perfect couple.

Perfect couples don't sext people (especially people they know in real life) behind their partners back.

Perfect couples don't refuse to take accountability by saying "I didn't know what I was doing" and claiming it's an addiction.

He did know what he was doing. He wanted to do it and thought he would get away with it, it's that simple at the root of the problem.

You're trying to intellectualise it away into not being an issue. But it is.

What "great changes? Therapy doesn't produce "great changes" in two months.

Ok so basically he has an intimate relationship with another woman. I think you know that’s what’s sexting is, you develop the relationship to get to that stage. She’s way more than an ex colleague and they must have stayed in touch over the years.

The more you write op the more it becomes clear you’re trying to justify this in your own head, and romanticise your relationship.

Instead of facing the cold hard truth that he’s developed a relationship with another woman, likely they have been involved for a number of years, you’re trying to tell yourself it’s just a thrill and addiction.

But deep down you know the cold truth, that’s why you’re so hurt. You know what this is. You know he’s cheating on you and there is someone else. Someone for a long time likely. Someone he has feelings for, is attracted to and has a relationship with.

That’s why you’re hurt. You are trying to lie to yourself it’s one thing, when deep down you know it’s something else.

It's the attitude to therapy that I find bizarre. As though a therapist is an essential part of a relationship. And it's exciting to see what will come out of it. Reminds me of the term "hysterical bonding".

Actually He wanted to do it and thought he would get away with it that's more or less his explanation so far. Or that once it was suggested he couldn't stop (similar to the wine bottle).

It was me who saw the possible connection with his porn addiction. It's up.to the therapist and him to figure that one out.

I'm eager to see what my therapist tells me today, as my sadness is gone. I still have some anger, but I'm looking forward for this to change

OP - this is quite a personal question but I think I'm wondering if there is a pattern to explain your behaviour - why did your first marriage break down?

It was me who saw the possible connection with his porn addiction. It's up.to the therapist and him to figure that one out.

You've given him a get out of jail free card because all he needs to do now is manipulate the narrative in his private sessions with the therapist to get them to agree this may be the cause of the issue.

You've agreed just now that his explanation was he did it because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it. That isn't love. That isn't kind. Do you really want to marry someone who doesn't care about you enough to not do something that will hurt you and break your trust?

Even if it was an addiction, that doesn't mean you have to accept the behaviour and change your boundaries to stay together. I have bipolar - if I had a bad cycle and my partner couldn't cope, I wouldn't expect him to damage his own mental health by staying with me. If he couldn't cope then I would want him to be free to leave. As I think I said upthread, my mental health doesn't trump his just because I have a diagnosis.

You're desperate to preserve the image of the relationship to yourself, but it's an image that you've constructed and is not real.

The way you describe the relationship is so romanticised it doesn't show emotional maturity and leaves you very vulnerable to being hurt.

He knows you aren't going to leave him. And so do you.

I was never happy. We lived separate lives for the most part. Yes, we also had great conversations (he's head of a school at the local university) but it was so passionless. It was so passionless that I did suggest an open relationship back then with view of me doing it too. One day I just started prioritising myself and eventually I left.

'It was me who saw the possible connection with his porn addiction. It's up.to the therapist and him to figure that one out.'

Goodness

You've figured it all out then.

You've saw the 'connection and are now sending him off to 'figure it out'

You don't know much about therapy at all do you.

This is about you not him.

'Yes, we also had great conversations (he's head of a school at the local university)'

Of course he is

What else would he be

He wanted to do it and thought he would get away with it that's more or less his explanation so far*

Well at least he's been honest.

So you're the one who's cresting a narrative of addiction/compulsion.

I've asked a few times how long ago he and this ex work colleague.stopped working together, with no answer.

They've obviously kept in touch and escalated their interactions (if they weren't already sexual by the time he or she left) for a while.

Op, have you always been this disconnected to your emotions? Have you had any diagnosed mental health conditions or spoken with a psychiatrist about any of this? Is there something you aren't saying about your mental health history that might be relevant? Do you have friends and family you can talk to, and what do they say?

I don't mean that to sound rude by the way. I'm a little concerned about you.

It was me who saw the possible connection with his porn addiction

I think we had all assumed that op. As said, it’s your way of justifying in your own head him cheating on you. In some way to make it acceptable to you, to remove the fact it’s a deeply personal relationship they have, to make it no more than a thrill he can’t help.

Maybe one day you’ll prioritise yourself again.

Op I think you need to stop analysing him and start reading this thread as a stranger .. he is getting away with so much and you kinda make excuses for him ..
he knows just what to say and do to keep you hanging in there .. it’s like a game with the 2 of you.

I've already answered, that was about 6 years ago maybe more and I don't know his work timeline. I don't they necessarily had to escalate. She mentioned the type of person she was, I knew exactly what he meant. When I very, very briefly worked at a hotel, everybody talked about their sex life and joke about their private parts. There was one in particular who always asked men to touch her boobs. She was older and thought she could get away with it because she was more like a "motherly" figure. I was disgusted by that place, but that was fairly common.

Yes, I've seen a psychiatrist. This came after one day my personality sort of split (like the demon and angel type thing) and they were having a conversation. It was a one off and has never happened again. He couldn't reach any conclusion.

I've asked a few times how long ago he and this ex work colleague.stopped working together, with no answer

She has answered this, he worked with the woman six to eight years ago, so before the op.

Your DH doesn't need to get any help for his various addictions because you just excuse it all anyway. You've forgiven it before he's even done it. If you're happy to live a life with blinkers on then please don't cry wolf when he does something to hurt you

She mentioned the type of person she was, I knew exactly what he meant

Do you mean he? Are you moving into she is promiscuous?

Just wondering OP, will you also be raising your son to have absolutely no accountability for his actions? Or will it be do as I say and not as I do

He didn't tell you because he didn't want your permission, he wanted to fuck around on you for the thrill of it.

I think you're over analysing and rationalizing his behaviour to make it somehow okay. People with MH issues still make choices. I have MH issues and that isn't an excuse.
Is he going to therapy?
Is he agonising over this?
Is he doing a fraction of the emotional work you are?

I think he's just a jerk, to be honest.