Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

he had me constantly thinking he was just going to leave
Gallows humour but this reminds me of the old joke.

"Mum, you know that fancy vase you are always worrying I will break? Well, your worries are over."

@StayinginSummer
Sorry to hear that, that must be difficult.
When did you split?
I can't go back, anything that I thought was good was tarnished with his videos. That is the overwhelming feeling just now, that someone could do that to me.
I hope you are ok x

@TorkTorkBam
I love it, made me laugh. So so true.
I am going to dig out all the films I used to love, that I have somehow not watched for a while.x

I have just had Davina McCall highly recommended and looked at a bit last night. There's tons of videos including a SEVEN MINUTE one! 14 days free trial then £60 for the year I think. Plus yoga and stuff. Do able no matter how fit you are and more than enough variety. It's a website do you can do it on a phone etc too.

I think you might also need to get your head around this a bit more and that it will help. There's links in here, will find to paste.

But it is important to get into real life too, especially friends, and your children. They miss their Mum and need her back. YOU need you back! You are bound to be feeling pretty awful but it's just a day by day thing until one day... you are happy!

It's hard. Breaking up is always so hard but there's the weird sex stuff and the narcissist stuff so a triple whammy. Don't let it sink you, this is the beginning of your life.

Move things around, add new things, watch your chick flick, eat chocolate, have a nice meal with the kids, And make lovely plans for things you know you couldn't do with him around x

@Nursing2029 I haven’t left the house yet! It’s a long painful story, but he owns the home, I have no financial leg to stand on, and a severe special needs child I care for full-time.

I’ll be honest with you, I still love DP. Even though I know he has treated me very badly. Even DP agrees! I have a lot of work to do on myself to be psychologist free. I am still leaving and will not look back.

He is probably a narcissist. He repeatedly cheats, even now on lockdown, with random women, and he lies to them all. He undermines my parenting, whilst telling me I’m a brilliant parent. He blows hot and cold, will easily stab me in the back of it makes him look good (for example a female friend of his told me that DP told her that he couldn’t see her as I did not allow him female friends - I had no idea, didn’t even realize they’d stopped meeting up, and when I asked DP why he wasn’t seeing X he said that she had begun to bore him). Yet everyone loves him, he’s the ultimate good guy. Highly paid, highly respected, very fit, well presented, highly intelligent, seen as a real catch.

I still cannot square the man in front of me with the reality of him. Every time I go to leave he reels me back in, until I get tired and just give up. It’s the most soul destroying relationship I’ve ever been in! However I have engaged a solicitor, and come to an agreement, (he insisted), got over his delays, and now have a solid exit plan. I can’t wait to get out. Good luck OP!

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks, what a lovely uplifting message and so true.
I think i have a few days left on davina, i signed up before and never started. Will make the effort to do it now :).
I have been skimming over life for quite a while, too long. I hope the kids are ok, unfortunately they seem to like him. Hopefully they adjust quickly.
I feel like i was supposed to find the weird sex stuff, it was the final nail.
I think the fact he needed to do that on the side of a healthy relationship really has got to me, he was always defensive about his time on his own, now I know why.

I have let him subtly dictate my life, the change will be good. Wish i could skip the rubbish in-between xx

It would seem my gut about him sexting people was right.
This was when I thought the relationship was good too, he was sending videos of himself to people.

Oh OP. Exact same here. Found he was sexting women all over the place. While I was pregnant even. It made me physically ill for a while, and then suffered months on panic attacks.

@StayinginSummer
My goodness I hope you are ok, this must be awful for you.
I understand the still loving him part, despite everything I still had feelings for him, strong ones.
Yeah this sounds so familiar.
He blew hot and cold too, the cold would come with no warning.
He would tell his friends I wouldn't allow him to.do things.
And with the female friend thing he would hide things from me and make me suspicious. When I questioned him I was jealous and didn't allow him to have female friends.
Meanwhile he was pulling my strings making me crazy.
He would even say subtle things about my weight.
I hope you find a way out of this.
I can't believe that he was the way he is either, what i can't believe is that I have become someone who turns a blind eye to so many red flags.
They do exhaust you, he is the same - charming ,joker , gentleman - absolute opposite to me.
I really hope you get out soon. Take care xx

@StayinginSummer
Just saw the message regarding sexting.
Its just awful isn't it.
Such a betrayal of trust and for me it was something I could never have imagined.

Here we go ladies. This is, apparently, an enormously helpful page

www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

Then we can play narcissist Bingo! Bet we all get a full house 😉

Ex biz partner
Secretive, disappeared at 2.30 pm every day
Liar even when I caught him out
Told friends I was mean to him.
Told me I was abusive
Told me no one would ever want to go out with me
Used to create whirlwinds of things for me to do but do nothing himself
Pretended to be the ultimate family man
Made everyone think it was his business he created
Told me I was fat.
Abusive in front of staff to demonstrate he could do what he wanted
Nothing could change him - reasoning, anger, being upset, being calm
Used to sometimes talk about what an amazing business well done us etc
Made sure my role encompassed almost everything and his almost nothing.

So I wrote that out before I looked at sick systems and think I have an almost full house. Anyone else? 😁

@vodkacranberryplease
Thanks for the link, will have a read.
You certainly do have a full house.
How many of these people are out there and how do they sleep at night?

Everything is clicking into place for me - the need to get away on his own- do you think that was for his kink?
Should I view the satisfaction he was getting from his kink as seperate from normal sexaul satisfaction ?
One thing that I keep thinking about is he used to always say to be am I allowed to do this or that - like I was preventing him.
Honestly my head is fu#ked.

I don't think you should ever try to understand the WHY. That way lies madness. Just know the what so you know it's not just you. And fill your life with as many nice things as you can

It's that combo of dwelling on it in terms of finding out more about it so you feel better and not blaming yourself or thinking about it and enjoying the things you can do that you couldn't before.

I think go gently on yourself. Of course you will feel crap, but it won't be forever and at least you won't feel like you lost your dream man!

@Vodkacranberryplease
He certainly wasn't that.
I just signed up to the davina thing for another month, recipes look good too.
I have a weird sense of calm because I wasn't mad, everytime suspected he was up to something, i thought it was just porn at the time, but I was right there was something off.
Weird creepy man, thank god he didn't move in with me.

@vodkacranberryplease
These have cheered me up.

Have you looked at Richard Grannon YouTube videos , he has a really good grasp on narcissists . I kind of think he's handsome as well , which doesn't hurt . You should check him out

I hope you feel better soon.

@Checkingcrosses866
Thanks, i will have a look at those. A handsome man to look at doesn't sound so bad.
Thank you, I appreciate it xx

Oh the ultimate handsome man cheer up is Matthew Hussey dating coach! Lovely chap from Essex (v successful lives in the US). He just has a way of making you think that meeting someone great is totally possible, but helping steer you away from bad situations/men.
Loads of YouTube stuff plus a book, get the guy. Which is great fun to practice with even if youve no interest in the guy you are trying it out on. Also his stuff works! I've tried a few tips out and they are like magic.
He has a very healthy way to look at the dating world. But you don't need his courses etc (he's got a very American hard sell marketing company).
But lovely to watch! The book is great and he's very uplifting. And very honest about what we do wrong and how men really think.
A bit of Matthew Hussey esch day and you'll be moving on in no time even if you're not ready to meet anyone!

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks.
I will have a look, i need the distraction.
I feel like i have been hit with a bus at the moment.

[quote Nursing2029]@StayinginSummer
Just saw the message regarding sexting.
Its just awful isn't it.
Such a betrayal of trust and for me it was something I could never have imagined.[/quote]
Finding out your partner has been sexting is brutal. Don’t underestimate what a shock to the system it is. Be kind to yourself.

I also would have thought my DP would have been the last person ever to sext and send videos etc. He was gentle, sweet and had quite a big thing about being ‘above’ or more ‘cool’ people who did crass or stupid things, or watched inane TV shows. I guess he saw himself as refined in some way. I never questioned it, or thought he as arrogant, as he said these things quite mildly. Looking back, he has had disordered thinking - he fits in his sexting now to his view of himself as a sexy guy who just likes consensual fun. Really it is seedy and base as hell.

Don’t over analyse his sexual videos. I think it’s probably more a result of indulgent, entitled and just really silly sneaking around. Like a boredom thing. Maybe makes him feel interesting. He’s not. It’s just a bit seedy and stupid and it is lies to you, his main SO.

My DP was pretty honest and told me he had no idea why he sexted so many, that he got bored, that he couldn’t remember who half of them were, that it was a huge waste of time. He still does it, but has tried to just meet women more than sexting. It’s still seedy and stupid.

It is all the opposite of a relationship, what being with a real woman is, for a long time. They are unhealthy and no good. Don’t look back trying to understand. You never will. Find yourself again.

@StayinginSummer
He had been single for a while and we were at the start of the relationship when he was doing this.
I can pinpoint days in my mind and it is earing me up.
One in particular being my sons birthday I remember when he left my place and he must have went straight to his and got to it.
There just seemed to be so much effort going into the videos.
I am so sorry you are stuck in this.. is there jo family you could live with?
I hope you are ok x

I’m fine thank you. I’ve been through a long dark tunnel but I finally see the light! I have a plan to exit and actually in agreement with exDP - I’d have rather been able to just leave or kick him out however my situation is complicated and I could not do that.

It is quite shocking matching what they did with the days. I realized DP was sexting/texting other women loads every time I had a break and left him looking after our child. Something still disturbs me about how he could be in the same room as our baby and be flirting with other women denying the existence of our baby. They have a problem and obviously it means they cannot form healthy bonds, with us and in my case, also his child. He would excuse it as being bored. Imagine a mother who spent all of her time with her young baby constantly texting reams of men? Even if she were single we would worry about her ability to form a healthy relationship with her child.

So... it’s not us. It’s them. Whatever it is, it’s unhealthy as hell and we are so much better off away from it.

My life is completely separate already. Can’t wait to make the actual move.