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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

566 replies

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 09:54

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

OP posts:
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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 18:26

@StayinginSummer
You string.
I only found the videos less than a week ago and I am really struggling with coming to terms with it.
I hate how he has put me in such a low place that I accepted all of this .x

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 18:33

It's only been a week - go easy on yourself.

I've just recommended EMDR (a brief therapy for trauma) to someone and loads of people have sAid how good it is.

Right now the best present you could give yourself would be a few sessions of that via Skype. You won't lose the memories... but you just wont care

He's taken some of your past - don't let him take your present and future too. You deserve more than that.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 18:35

And it's not one of these ones that go for years. You'll feel lighter after the first session.

samyeagar · 16/06/2020 18:38

My ex-wife is diagnosed NPD, and the only way is non-engagement. We have children together which made full no-contact a virtual impossibility, but non-engagement...

Be direct and to the point, not light fluffy conversations. Do not initiate contact at all unless it is life and death necessary. Remember that you do not need to respond to anything they say at all.

Too many words...use as few words as possible. No need to go into long explanations about anything, or really explain anything at all. No need for the normal "Please","Thank you" or any of that. Remember that each word you direct towards them is another opening for engagement.

samyeagar · 16/06/2020 18:40

Rigid self control is going to be your biggest asset.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 18:51

Great advice. Never explain, never complain. I feel for you, and your poor children. They usually like to have a victim on the go and if it's not you it's either a member of the family (a child) or a partner.

Horrid people.

Lonelycrab · 16/06/2020 18:56

@samyeagar very good advice

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 19:30

@StayinginSummer
That should say. You sound strong

OP posts:
Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 19:34

@samyeagar
Thanks for the advice.
The situation was bad enough the added sleazy vids that I found last week have just taken the last bit of confidence I had left ..he was doing this over a 2 year period that I know of. When we were happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 19:36

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks for the advice.
Its all very overwhelming.
I do keep torturing myself over the videos, trying to figure out why or how he could do it.
Pointless i know.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 16/06/2020 19:45

One of the things that makes them so difficult to deal with, to the point of impossibility, is that they have their own reality, just as real to them as actual reality is to everyone else. It is sort of like they are living in a slightly out of sync phase.

The lack of empathy and impossibility of remorse...if you expect them to feel sorry for something, or understand something, they simply can not...anymore than you can feel those things when you have done nothing wrong. Because in their mind, in their reality they haven't.

I think that's the big mind fuck right there. Even though they look the part, sound the part, they are not human beings in the same way non NPD people are.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 19:51

@samyeagar
Thanks, knowing these things does help.
He never had any empathy and always made everything my fault.
If something happened to someone else he had a better story to tell.
It is a huge mind fuck. He got his claws in as my marriage was falling apart and made me think he was amazing, I should have known better.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 16/06/2020 19:59

It's terrible dealing with them.

Just keep reminding yourself that ANY interaction with them will never end in your favour. It will always be a net drain towards them.

You also have ZERO obligation towards them, and any obligation you feel will always be to your own detriment.

There will NEVER be an a-ha moment with them where you will get any kind of remorse or recognition.

You will never get any kind of closure from them. You have to find that closure from yourself.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 20:03

@samyeagar
Thanks.
I was a bit naive, I never realised that people could come as such a complicated package.
He wore me down for 2 nearly 3 years, been trying to fight back the last year but he just didn't care.
I got to the point where I was numb, finding the videos last week didn't even scratch the surface.
I want to feel like me again.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 16/06/2020 20:05

I spent 20 years with mine, 17 married. Most of that I was in fight or flight mode, and only stayed to try and be the best human shield I could be for my kids.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 20:09

@samyeagar I had a narcissistic business partner - you sound just like me. In my mind he wasn't human. He was like a pretend human. To expect real emotions or decency was like expecting that from a snake.

I remember once looking into his eyes and they were just black. Blank, like a shark (I dive so have seen this). At that moment I knew that nothing apart from getting him out/getting away and never seeing him again would be ok.

They don't think like us and to attribute normal thought processes to them is just madness. It isn't possible for them.

samyeagar · 16/06/2020 20:09

I volunteer that information only to give you hope that you can make it through the other side. Because you can.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 20:14

20 years is a long time. I did 13 and got him out last year with the last loose ends tied up 3 days before lockdown (he sued us. Lost of course).

People just don't understand how unbelievably stressful it is. I thought I would end up with cancer and god knows how you recover. It must really change who you are. I might look into emdr for myself. It's for ptsd and even the army uses it. I just wouldn't know where to start with traumatic memories though.

I honestly wish people like this were identified and removed from society. That sounds ott but they cause so much damage.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 20:16

@Nursing2029 you made it out. You actually got him out of your home and your life. Do you even know how big that is?? It's amazing!!!! Flowers

samyeagar · 16/06/2020 20:16

@Vodkacranberryplease That is one of the things that is very important to keep in mind is not to expect normal reactions and emotions.

What make it most insidious I think, and so hard to deal with and manage is that much of the behaviour is not actual malice on their part, even though it is very malicious. They genuinely, to them, see nothing at all wrong with themselves, how they act, or treat other people and there is no possible way to get them to see something that to them is not there.

The normal things we do to get people to understand they hurt us, simply does not work with them because they are just not capable.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 20:29

So true. I gave up trying after I realised he literally did not care if I lived or died but was using me to do all the work and get it running so he could take the credit and then get me out. In his mind he believed I deserved nothing and he was doing nothing wrong.

Other people of course don't see it so you have the people around you seeing you as unreasonable etc. Because my god they can play a good victim. Knowing, truly knowing that is a life saver. Because otherwise you would feel so guilty doing what you have to as it's just so against what you would normally do.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 20:46

@samyeagar
Thanks for this, it does give me hope.
He has made me into someone who thought getting treated badly was OK as it wasn't quite as bad as it was other days.
I really appreciate you sharing this.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 16/06/2020 20:46

Because otherwise you would feel so guilty doing what you have to as it's just so against what you would normally do.

This right here is what people who have gotten out or are trying to get out absolutely must not forget...

The narc intuitively counts on this to maintain their supply.

Which is why it is sooooo important to go completely no-contact. EVERY interaction is an exercise in self control to not get sucked back in by your own feeling about how you should behave.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 16/06/2020 20:48

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks:)
I am beyond glad i posted on here. I couldn't see what was going on right in front of me. Thanks for the support and advice x

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 21:21

You're very welcome. It's one of those things you kind of wish you didn't know but do.

Reading MN in general has been great because it's a stark reminder of all of the things they do - things I'd forgotten or hadn't really connected.

Life after them is so much better. Stop grieving for something you never had - as I once said to you, that perfect guy you had never existed. It was all an act. This is the real him.

He was doing this when he was playing his award winning performance of mr wonderful. So he never existed. He was like a character in a story or on tv. They can't love you and you can't love them because you don't actually know them. And they just can't, full stop.