Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

@vodkacranberryplease
Please bear with me while I take this in. This is all a massive shock to me .
I thiught he was sexting but videos, peeing in cups, running on the spot in the buff and you have just confirmed what I thought.
And remember he has been making me think I am mad, so I thought these thoughts were obscure.
I need a bottle of gin.
Off to bed , hope i can get those images outs head.

Sleep on it, get some sleep, and remember you have just proved you were right all along. Your gut didn't let you down.

I watch (for some reason) loads of crime type programmes at the moment (as in real crime) and I can tell you right now literally anyone can get sucked in by these people. Smart women, strong women, this is not an indicator of weakness or stupidity on your part.

There's a ton of psychology at play and they are very good at knowing what strings to pull and when. It's a very traumatising experience and utterly confusing for anyone that's not a sick bastard. People stay long past the point they should as it's just too hard to wrap your head around.

What you are doing, how you are feeling, is totally normal. It's not you it's him. It always was. The best thing you can do to save yourself is to not try to understand the why's - they wouldn't make sense even if you knew. Just keep him at arms length as long as you can and then if you can break up without seeing him sgain or contacting him (or having him contact you) then do.

I think also you need your friends back. Lockdown is starting to end, people are starting to meet up in parks or gardens. I think if you can reconnect with your friends you'll feel so much better. It must be so hard all on your own.

My ex is a narcissist, I'm sure. A lot of this behaviour resonates.

Sad thing is, it took me 30 years and 2 DC to finally realise I needed to leave.

Dc and I are now 3 years on from leaving. I was a nervous wreck that day, I did it in secret with help from family. But afterwards, even ex messaged to say he was impressed by how ruthless I'd been in leaving. I ignored it , just like I ignored all his attempts at reconnecting. But that one message was enough to finally let go of him. I'd proven to him he couldn't predict what I'd do. And DC and I are so much happier.

I didn't have the added issues of the porn stuff, etc, so OP, I really hope you can find some peace in all this. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that come September, you start uni in a better place.

@BitOfANameChange
Hi
What made you finally leave him?
Thanks for your comments, I was in such a strong place and the finding of these videos has shaken me a bit.

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks for your comments and advice.
Its like i had come to terms with the worst scenario but I didn't ever imagine that this would be happening, under my nose.
Its how he spent his days off, all along I had said if he was onto excessive porn use it crossed a line for me. He said he wasn't. No just some kinky videos.
Definitely ick.

He has no respect for you. He does not deserve you.

Your strength cannot grow while he is in your life.

This shows it.

If you want to be strong you must FIRST get rid of him.

@TorkTorkBam
Thanks:)
I can't keep this in my life. The day before I found this I had planned to end it on Saturday, this will still happen.
Finding that stuff just shook me a bit, can't unsee it. Alongside doing that he was in a relationship with me and that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

How are you going to get rid?

Remember, any telling him what you think of him in person will be turned round on you somehow.

@TorkTorkBam
A simple note when he is out. He doesn't deserve anymore.
I suppose finding this stuff makes me know i wasn't mad. I just don't get the peeing in a cup. That has disturbed me .

Roll in Saturday and freedom

Roll on FFS

@TorkTorkBam
Thanks :)
Got my bath bomb ordered. Chick flick on TV, which I haven't watched in a long time.
X

Great idea! Get a big box of chocs and get your favourite takeaway/thing in that you don't have to cook. A bunch or flowers or a nice candle. Do your housework now so your place looks lovely and welcoming and maybe rearrange a bit so it looks different.

Treat yourself to something you'll need for September that would then arrive on Saturday.
It's the first day of the rest of your life. Be excited about what that means. Make a list of all the good things you will be able to do, have and be.

And maybe start reconnecting with the world, with your friends. Send one text message a day.
Some people make inspiration boards of pictures - I think you might enjoy that. It sounds silly but it's a nice reminder of where you want to go.

Because in two days time he's not there to scoff at it, or ruin your dreams, or dictate what you do/eat/watch. He's not there to criticise your looks, or your parenting, or your friends. He can't tell you that x doesn't really like you or that y is a loser. He can't make you feel boring or unsexy or stupid because he won't be there to do it.

That's got to feel good surely?? Being able to play silly games with the kids and have a laugh with no disapproving, Being able to put your music on and watch girly things and not have to cook (if you don't want to).

People like this are dementors. I've used this one away from MN for a while so may have a different meaning - they are energy sucking, joy killing vampires. Parasites. Leeches. They suck everything and everyone up and all the life out and they play a part of a wonderful fun person but behind that there's nothing, it's all just a mask. Less than human.

He's using you and he is definitely gay. I thought about the 2 videos you mentioned and that's the kind of thing a man would ask a woman to do, or be excited by (running in the nude and peeing). He's gay. But more importantly he's nasty.

I highly recommend what vodka says about changes to your physical environment.

Move the furniture around.

Emulsion a room. Maybe do a wall in a bold colour. It's cheap and easy to do. The prep and paint keeps you busy. The results make you feel like it is a new dawn. It also dulls the bad memories. They were made in a different place.

One of my DC got the rest of us started on the idea of a shelf of triumph. It started with a couple of rugby trophies but then he would make a little origami shape or have a special pebble or a photo or a drawing. Each of those random items was a token a reminder of when something brilliant happened or he got a good result.

For example, those certificates school give out for good behaviour whatever. He's old enough that he doesn't even want them on the fridge for more than a day and certainly wouldn't put them on his notice board in his room. He will however make a little token thing for the Shelf of Triumph. He made a little figure out of bluetac to remind him of a stop motion thing he did for homework and got a certificate for.

Inspired, DH and I put up loads of postcards and ticket stubs and such like that remind us of good times, even if there is no obvious connection to what that good thing was.

@vodkacranberryplease
Thanks, amazing ideas and I have already ordered new bedding and curtains.
Its funny you should mention the playing with the kids, i have never mentioned anything like that but it is exactly how he makes me feel.
I am so exhausted.
The porn I had found wasn't run of the mill. Transsexual men with women.

@TorkTorkBam
Thanks, i am going to move bedroom furniture.
Recently redecorated, at least now i can enjoy it.
I love the idea of the shelf.
I am trying to think of small positives just now like going to bed earlier.
This guy has messed up my mind good and proper.
Way back at the start when he still stayed at his own place sometimes he used to set an alarm for the middle of the night. Makes me wonder what he was doing.

He set an alarm for the middle of the night? Shady. Really really shady. Is he staying there now?

New bedding is an excellent idea. Things he has never seen, things he will never use. So when you look around it's like he wasn't really ever there. Food he wouldn't eat. Tv programs he wouldn't watch. A shelf of triumph! I love it! Put a little monopoly boot on it. Or a tiny bin 😁. And of course your uni letter!

You could set your whole life up as a rebellion against what he wanted or told you and you would be making amazing decisions because everything he wanted for you was designed to make you unhappy, weak and easily controlled.

Think about things he told you you couldn't and shouldn't do - chances are they were good ideas. So every time you catch yourself thinking 'he would have hated this' then you'll know it's the right thing.

Is he slightly effeminate in his look or manner? Is he slim?

@vodkacranberryplease
He is at mine.
I am going to move the furniture too.
I am loving the ideas from you ladies, it is getting me there.
Yeah, it was a regular alarm. Really weird.
I have composed my message.
He is really really slim. And yes I actually thought he was gay when I knew him as a friend. So he is effeminate.

Ok well there you go. He is. You were right yet again. Get an sti test please. You can send off for them if no clinics open,

Why wait till sat? You could get his stuff to him at work tomorrow then you have a whole glorious weekend of you and the children to look forward to. Much nicer than spoiling a perfectly good Saturday with the though of him making a fuss!

To explain further.. he was acting like a woman who is doing something kinky for a man - it's the kind of stupid scenario men dream up or see in porn and then get women to act out. So he's probably a taker not a giver. Far more risky for you. He was making that video for a man. Or men.

Where do you fit in though? Well he's probably got a deep seated need to control something in his life and you are it. No doubt he hates himself for what he is (otherwise he would just come out and be done with it) and because he's such a prick he can't understand that if he wanted to live as a bi/gay man no one would care. But he's so judgemental and dark he can't conceive of that. Plus so utterly narcissistic he just can't deal with his own imperfections. I'd love to see what he does with his naps. Watch weird porn and wank I guess.

Not great to have this in the house with the children.

@Vodkacranberryplease
Sounds daft but i have a plan and that makes it easier for me, time to adjust and get my head round all this crap.
I had suspected stuff but just porn nothing this dark.
I dont think he has the bottle for physical contact with other peool but I didn't expect any of this.
Some of the porn was of larger hairy ladies too. Thoughts?

Hm. He sounds confused. Takes all sorts but not your problem.

You stick to your plan. Once this is all over you'll find your mind easing up and normality returning. You've got a lot to look forward to!!!

@vodkacranberryplease
There were photos of well his behind too.
Why the hairy lady porn?
I feel a bit like although its awful its all falling into place.
No way could I forget this.it has to end. And its not because of silly messages to another woman or an argument its a solid reason, in my view cheating.
This is why he would never move in, no space to get on with his kink. Thank god.