Why do I attract sleazy men? Do all women endure this or is there something about me?

[Thebebodays]

Just before lockdown I got chatting to what seemed like a polite man in a bar and we exchanged numbers. We continued to chat via WhatsApp, very normal things such as what our interests are and what we do for a living etc.

He invited me on a date and I accepted, but then he spoilt it for himself by saying I "look sexy from behind" and when we go for a date he's going to be "looking for excuses to touch me" and making continuous comments about how "sexy" I am.

Date cancelled. Blocked.

Another one that I met online the other night who seemed normal to begin with quickly descended into asking me when I last had sex and whether I've had breast surgery (I haven't - I'm not remotely busty)

Also blocked.

Do all women suffer this crap or is there something about me that screams easy?

I want to date, not be used for sex.

@tiristalpumpkin I married a nerd bellend too

Jesus op. You sound a bit Puritan

Haven't read through the whole thread, but just wanted to say I used to get this all the time when I was dating (I'm married now). It's awful and so disheartening! There are some gems out there but you really have to weed through the shit!

Anal? Threesome? Gangbang?

Only if he did it first and I’d a seat in the balcony....

But I’d probably just go with no

I'm in my 50s. I can't say I've had the best boyfriends ever during those years (!), but rarely if ever did I come across the sexual disrespect that seems to be the norm these days (amongst young and older men).

The vile porn assumptions of threesomes, anal sex, dick pics, sexting etc is so grim its beyond grim. But it seems to be our whole culture encouraging and consenting to this. Women also joke about it and boast about it too to prove how "liberated" and "cool girl" they are. If you feel concerned by this development you are "uptight" or are clinging to your "pearl necklace" (on MN). In particular I feel sad and angry for the sensitive, unsure young women who are struggling to navigate this especially those near the bottom of the heap who will have less choices.

True eros (eroticism) involves feeling, creativity, power and intelligence. It lies in our female, deeply spiritual plane. Pornography is the direct denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true feeling. Pornography emphasises sensation without feeling.

Essay over.

Of course there are some lovely men out there, but they're usually not on dating sites and are usually very married!

Sorry I can't offer solutions OP. All I can suggest is try and live a full and happy life as much as you can - you may meet a man you like but I would not prioritise it. I'm not mad about OLD because, I think as another poster said, you can't get the "vibe" you get in real life to make good judgments.

ps paraphrasing some of Audre Lorde writings on eros (re. above); by pure coincidence I was reading it today.

I get it even worse as im.not looking for a serious relationship. That doesn't mean I want endless sleaze before we meet though and guys don't seem to get that. I want casual with someone I like and fancy, not a perv!

I recently had a number of walks with someone I knew vaguely, seemed a good match in a few ways, intellect, politics.

Two things put me off; one was I told him I needed to take it slowly due to past abusive relationship (on walk 4 he kissed me, too handsy, and on walk 5 he told me he’d “never had to be this patient”. I hardly know him! The other thing that nixed it was he asked me if I was okay with “casual fun”? Which I interpreted as meaning sex only. I can’t be bothered, I want someone who is there for me through thick and thin, not someone who thinks they can graze through a pasture of women.

My dad barely survived the Second World War and he seemed a gentleman, but I’d agree they are a dying breed. Recent fella was almost 70. His attitude made me feel like I wasn’t falling in love material, but good enough for a fumble :(

OP have you tried Hinge? Because of the way it works (friends of your Facebook friends) there seems to be a bit more... accountability? A couple of friends have found partners on there.

Jarring - very pertinent point (and it's Audre Lorde

I would be interested - give the availability of porn for both men and women - to know how many men are approached by women in a similar way. Not just 'talking the talk' but with unsolicited fanny and tit pics, talk of 'do you do anal?' I know they must do, but is it so common and 'in your face' (if you'll pardon the expression?

And lesbians? Do they have to face this?

Porn is out there and available to both sexes, so is there something in the male psyche that makes them think porn is real and how women like to be treated?

I think this is the problem zaphodsotherhead
Men want unsolicited photos of bits and pieces from us women, hence the dick pics. They think our brains work the same as theirs, as they would seriously appreciate it, they don't understand why we aren't remotely impressed.

Yes, it's happened to me to. Be careful with online dating and you'll never find a decent guy in the bar so please pull away from the idea that decent guys will take you seriously at a bar. Usually thats where people hook up.

I had one random bloke on OLD send me a picture of a woman, he was like what do you think of her. I was very???? Turned out it was his mother! I mean what the actual god forsaken fuck. I'd rather a dick pic.

There are some solid gold weirdos out there. I have given up now. Much happier.

Online dating seems to attract the sleazy types. I know some lovely guys in real life who hate these apps and just don’t bother with them as they had bad experiences.

They genuinely believe that the sleaziness is charming.

They believe from the way some women present themselves on social media and they way women are portrayed in the media in general that women value themselves according to whether men find them sexually desirable or not and they genuinely believe that being told we are sexy is about the greatest damn thing they could ever say to us. They think it's a genuine compliment. And whist I suppose everyone wants to be thought of a sexually desirable by their partner, its not the only thing you want to think they've noticed about you before you've even been on a date.

Some men also value women for their looks alone and for them having a woman that others would desire as sexy is a bit of a win for them.

Male perspectives from Reddit

At what point do you bring up the topic of sex?:

www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/srcjh3/at_what_point_do_you_bring_up_the_topic_of_sex/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I think many men are "terrified" that they might be "wasting their time" with a "frigid" woman and think it's therefore a good idea to mention sex very early on.

Very very different from the general female approach.

Hope that helps!

I joined tinder for a bit back when I was single and was actually disappointed by the dearth of dick pics and flirty chat that everyone always goes on about. Guys on the main were very above board and not there for that sort of thing at all. I would say– where are all the dick pics you’re always hearing about?! and they’d laugh but the pics were never forthcoming 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t count on older men acting any differently! When I was in OLD I had loads of gross pictures sent by older men ! Ends has offers of joint three some by barristers 🤮

@Nuenue this thread is 2 years old

To the people that are saying - how can men like this think they are attracting women - they don't. They don't care about being appealing to women; they just want a fuck. Like the Nigerian Prince send me your bank details type scam - they're only interested in people that are that gullible, otherwise they'll move on. They're after a mark, not a relationship. They don't give a shit if you like them or not.

madcatladyforever your answer made me lol wish they had like button on here

Sadly OP, it doesn't get any better.

I'm seeing someone but in the last 2 weeks I've had 2 blokes (one I've known since we were 8!) proposition me out if the blue and suggest we meet for sex

I'm like WTF!