Why do I attract sleazy men? Do all women endure this or is there something about me?

[Thebebodays]

Just before lockdown I got chatting to what seemed like a polite man in a bar and we exchanged numbers. We continued to chat via WhatsApp, very normal things such as what our interests are and what we do for a living etc.

He invited me on a date and I accepted, but then he spoilt it for himself by saying I "look sexy from behind" and when we go for a date he's going to be "looking for excuses to touch me" and making continuous comments about how "sexy" I am.

Date cancelled. Blocked.

Another one that I met online the other night who seemed normal to begin with quickly descended into asking me when I last had sex and whether I've had breast surgery (I haven't - I'm not remotely busty)

Also blocked.

Do all women suffer this crap or is there something about me that screams easy?

I want to date, not be used for sex.

@madcatladyforever oh this has really tickled me. But you might have a point.

@thebebodays I fortunately I can guarantee older men are just as bad. I'm 53 and single for most of the last 8 years. I've tried OLD on and off, different sites, some paid some free.
I also attract sleaze bags. Except It's not me, they're all like that!

OP I think I may have spotted the sleaze attractor in your profile. You mention being into decoupage. The average ignorant sleazebag probably thinks that’s a sexual perversion he hasn’t tried yet...!

You have made my day

With that in mind I had better not divulge to anybody that I've been doing alot more exercise since lockdown, given that their minds are permanently in the gutter

How shit that this seems to be a common theme.

To the poster who met now DH on Match affinity, that is a result! How lovely for you both.

I haven't looked on there yet because I'm a tight arse but I just might do

Maybe meeting them online just means you don’t have the opportunity to pick up on the wrongun vibes straight away. I’m a big believer in my instincts about people, and am usually proven right. You just eat a feel for people quickly in real life that online doesn’t give you access to.

Get a feel, not eat a feel!

There’s always a mix of nice and dodgy people out there, sounds like you’re very good at sorting the wheat from the chaff anyway!!!

You know what I can’t get my head around, even more than the sleazy comments themselves? That they think women would actually want to hear this shite? How unintelligent of them. Unless they do it on purpose to filter out the normal women with standards from the desperate who will put up with being treated like crap.

Find yourself a geek, OP. They tend to be lovely guys.

Agree @VeganCow !

I think men are more disgusting now because of the availability of apps/websites.

They don’t give a shit because they’ll be back on insert hook up app one minute after rejection doing the same sleaze until it works. Like a boy in a sweet shop.

Have you used or alluded to being interested in a "casual" dating setup on your online profile? That can attract the wrong types sadly.

Ironically I have tried both "normal" OLD and "hook up" sites - the men on the "hook up" sites are in my experience more articulate, intelligent and gentlemanly! BUT I think that's because the site rules are clearer on those AND more strictly upheld - if anyone harasses or offends another user they're instantly barred!

Too many of the "normal" OLD sites and apps are poorly moderated and users get away with murder as the owners/mods prioritise profit over behaviour.

I do also think - similarly to madcatlady - that men below a certain age (and that's rising!) haven't been brought up properly.

Nobody's thought to teach them manners, how to treat a date, how to "woo" someone they are attracted to.

Good manners and considerate behaviour are NOT old fashioned or stupid.

But I'm equally annoyed at the women who accept such behaviour and even end up marrying such men! It means they don't learn and don't change and end up raising sons who behave the same and daughters who accept shitty treatment.

I'm not currently dating but I believe there are a few long running threads on here that contain pointers for OLD - what to avoid, how to create a profile that will put off the wrong men but not the right ones.

Sorry to say it's not only men either, I'm bi and have occasionally had similar issues with women on OLD (and yes I'm sure they were women at least 2 I met in real life at later dates at activist events)

Does anybody think they take note and conclude "taking about sex early on is a turn off for women, I'm not going to do that anymore"? or do they just think "meh, next" and continue as they are.

I think the problem is usually nobody tells them!

Women are too polite and their men friends too gutless!

If we ALL told these men their behaviour was a turn off - and quite honestly if you're about to reject/block online anyway you've nothing to lose - yea some may stubbornly refuse to accept what they're being told but some might actually think about it and change their ways.

Find yourself a geek, OP. They tend to be lovely guys sorry but I've found they can be just as bad as the rest

I would say that 4/5 men I chat to online get sleazy sooner or later - and that’s after being fussy about whom I chat to in the first place. They get unmatched or blocked as soon as they try that nonsense. It feels great not to waste any more time on men who can’t be bothered to treat people decently.

Yep, I always get it. Every. Single. Time

I also, sometimes, tell them just before I block them, e.g.: “You say you want a relationship but this conversation clearly shows otherwise. Take care!” 😂

I think they do it to test your reaction and ascertain the likelihood of you "putting out" 🤢

It just feels so grim

Wondering if I should just be looking for breathing and silent.

Putting out to me means a cat or rubbish.

I feel they may be disappointed

Putting out to me means a cat or rubbish.

I'm glad it isn't just me.

There are good men out there. The problem is the best ones tend to be snapped up very quickly! The older newly separated or divorced ones are worst.

Some of them are just after a thrill online too I think, getting women to send them pics/cam for them, or even getting a thrill out of saying something offensive, maybe even out of upsetting us.

I’ve also found that the older ones tend to be worse, and that those who seem to be any good tend to be new to the site (implication being that they get snapped up pretty quickly).

My raised eyebrow is so honed I can itch the back of my knee with it.

Brilliant

Reading all these, I can honestly say if anything happened with me and DH, death, divorce , whatever, I would remain happily single until death. I simply could not be arsed to deal with that shit!

Find yourself a geek, OP. They tend to be lovely guys
sorry but I've found they can be just as bad as the rest

Concur, I married 2 of them. Emotionally stunted manchildren with a propensity to cheat, lazy domestically too. Nerd men (in my experience at least) are nearly always looking for a mum replacement.

They are all watching pornhub and wanking non stop in lockdown. It's doing them no favours 🙄 then their tiny brains have trouble adjusting to non porn women. Tedious. I'm giving it a big miss till it calms down.

But what I want to know is who is raising these arseholes? Why arent their mums and dads telling them not to behave like this? Parents need to have these conversations and not assume that because they are polite at home they aren't little sleazes away from home. Someone needs to talk to them about porn etc too. It's too easy to just avoid the issue but unless you tell them they don't know.

I have numerous stories about sleazy men I've met on the internet and I would say my radar was good. The worst was this one guy I went on a couple of dates with (he even had a kid) who started asking me about porn stuff on the second date - whether I did anal and was I open to the idea of a threesome or gangbang. It was really gross and demeaning. On the first date he was really nice and sweet so it was really confusing. Clearly, we never spoke to each other after that.

I've met someone decent now though - it took about a year and a bit of reflection about where I was going wrong.

But what I want to know is who is raising these arseholes? Why arent their mums and dads telling them not to behave like this?

@Vodkacranberryplease The problem is no-one is monitoring them online.