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Original poster

Do you forgive sexting?

185 replies

Purplesndteal · 29/05/2020 23:08

One off explicit. He says he just didn't think what he was doing. I do believe it was a one off. It was ten lines. We have a baby, a house, a dog and we're supposed to get married next year

OP posts:
thenamesarealltaken · 30/05/2020 14:49

I've read all your posts and all your responses and either you are convincing yourself you want an open relationship of the type you describe, or you actually do. Seems time to set expectations and boundaries - if you're happy for him to sext and you marry him, you won't be able to complain about it later. Just take care be doesn't form emotional and other connections, making you feel less wanted or needed.

NoMoreDickheads · 30/05/2020 14:49

The more you say the more 'adorable' he sounds.

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 14:56

They seem to usually claim this though. But he claims this is a one-off, so his two claims conflict- a one off behaviour isn't an addiction.

Yup.

Glitterpearl · 30/05/2020 14:57

For me personally, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

However I don't think this relationship is healthy. He obviously has issues and you deserve better.

It is actually gross how common this is. You don't have to look hard online to find shedloads of (very openly) married men seeking sexting and even trading photos of their partners with other married men.

backseatcookers · 30/05/2020 15:15

I know he used to pay for sex chats about 10 years ago. Apparently he was super hooked. He's done tons of acid, coke and shrooms when he was younger. And every now and then when older. I could see similarities between this sexting thing and his drug usage

OP. Come on. You can do better than this guy. And you deserve to. The rest of your life with him? Someone you loved and supported despite those red flags - and he still wasn't loyal and didn't "think" about you when it counted.

You can do SO much better than this.

MumpsimusMaximus · 30/05/2020 15:19

Nope.

ChristmasFluff · 30/05/2020 15:42

I'd forgive, for my own well-being, but I;d end the relationship. I want to be with someone I can trust, and I wouldn't be able to trust this man.

Forgiveness means a clean slate. It is not a reset button, and does not need to include having the person in your life ever again.

howlatthetrees · 30/05/2020 15:45

I’d end the relationship if my DH did it

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 16:28

After a long conversation with one of my best friends who know us both, she thinks it's salvageable. I've booked the therapist for Wednesday.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 17:05

I doubt the therapist will be able to "therapise" integrity into him but ...

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 17:10

The issue with making addiction the cause of this sexting you caught him out in, is that he said it was one off .. so he's either lying or you just happen to have caught him at the very beginning/at the very first instance of his latest addiction .. which seems unlikely.

As a poster said, the sex lines and drug use were red flags for a man to hitch your wagon to .. the sexting an ex work colleague (which somehow I don't think just happened out of the blue, presumably they've built up to this for quite a while) is another flag that you're in danger of dismissing and psychotherapy-ing away ... I worry shit with this man will be ongoing and you're just going to subject yourself to more and more due to sunken costs fallacy/the effect on your self esteem etc.

Wearywithteens · 30/05/2020 17:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 18:29

She went through the same and divorced her ex husband. She now regrets it and giving her advice

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 30/05/2020 19:34

After a long conversation with one of my best friends who know us both, she thinks it's salvageable

No-one truly knows him though OP, 'cause he lies his arse off and no-one knows what's truth and what's lies in anything he says. So no-one can know the real him.

She went through the same and divorced her ex husband. She now regrets it and giving her advice

All of us are going by our own experience and feelings I suppose.

As the thread's gone on it's become more clear you're not actually happy with him, it's not just the sexting issue as maybe it mostly was for your friend.

Your choice at the end of the day but he sounds like an arsehole to me.

Please let us know how things progress. xx

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 20:13

Why does she regret divorcing him?

Is it because she believes he wouldn't have continued sexting other woman? But she hasn't been in the relationship with him to find out. Plus they tend to hide their tracks better when caught.

If it's because he's moved in to an apparently happy relationship .. apparently is the word. She doesn't know if he's sexting of cheating on his current partner. His current partner could easily not know if he's sexting of cheating on her.

Even if he isn't - that's with that particular woman. Who's to say he acts exactly the same with every woman at every time.

You, your partner and your relationship is not exactly the same as hers. Just because she regrets divorcing her ex (possibly for flawed reasons) doesn't mean it's the right thing to do for you to stay with this guy.

She could be just settling you up for more of the same.

And it's you who'll have to deal with it (possibly with a second child) not her.

Littlemix1 · 30/05/2020 21:41

Definitely not

illclapwheniminpressed · 30/05/2020 22:00

My friend forgive her dp, her Nan just dies and they bought house fast forward two years and they are now separating.

It's cheating and they know it. It's the gateway drug. If an action gives your pleasure or emotional reaction it's cheating.

illclapwheniminpressed · 30/05/2020 22:04

Let me just say my ex dp did it, so a few months later I gave it a go - he was quick to call me a cheat and tell everyone else I was to.
Which was what I knew all along, and you may think why did I stay, had to sort at the financial side first but he just didn't know.

He believed I wouldn't leave him because we had a dc, home etc and I needed him. That was the most unattractive thing - to be thought of as dependent

FlyMCA · 30/05/2020 22:08

Should you? I don't have an answer to that, but I did try to pretend it never happened and I cant forget about it. Things changed after I found out and I having been able to move on, that along with other issues will be the end of us eventually.

RoseMartha · 30/05/2020 22:29

No. My ex did this always denied it even when I saw the messages pop up on his phone in the early years. Later on he kept his phone on him at all times. Sexted multiple women at once all different conversations. Went on for years.

Other things happened too as he was abusive, in the end I divorced him. It was a messy divorce, please dont let your situation get that far before you act on it.

MarigoldT · 31/05/2020 00:31

Yeah I would. But he would have to earn my trust back by being open and honest from now on.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 31/05/2020 04:03

We might install one of those spy apps on his phone. He does has a history of porn addiction that went into his early thirties (so not a teenager). He says he'll do anything to earn my trust back . I have to see what the therapist suggests . To me he destroyed our fairytale love story. He can't fox that it's gone. If we stay together it would be a completely different relationship.

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 31/05/2020 06:24

Sounds like you're ok with it op. So if you're ok with it then it's ok.

Personally I wouldn't be. He could have had a wank in the shower if he wanted to get his rocks off, however he chose to involve another person and lie to you about it. It's the lying that I'd struggle with. If you feel you can't trust him to the extent of putting spywear on his phone then I'd call it a day.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 31/05/2020 07:25

I don't think he had a wank. He was at work, with his work mate. They work on water so no access to toilets. Sexting doesn't always involve wanking, I know this because when we were dating we sexted and we had a few sessions before getting pregnant. Sometimes you do it to just get turned on (side note I have a friend who did out of boredom and believe she wasn't wanking all the time). Same as me when I used it in the past with other guys. To point being it could just be seem as explicit texting with wanking as optional.

I don't want to put the spyware, but I don't want to go through his phone either. It's just a deterrent. In the family business they have CCTV so the employees don't steal. They think we check it but we don't, and it has worked ok for many, many years.

I'm open to see what the therapist says. I almost see it equal to porn and I definitely don't have an issue with porn. It's more the uncertainty of not knowing how long it's been going on and hiding it from me that is the main issue for me..

I have other moments when it angers me that he was talking about his privates with someone else, when that talk is supposed to reserved to just the two of us..

OP posts:
Cherrytangfastic · 31/05/2020 08:30

I don't think I'd call it a day over this but I think I'm in the minority and probably more forgiving than most. Though it'll be a long road before you get back to 'normal', and it will always be a hurtful period in your relationship.

If you're not sure about leaving, there's no rush. Take your time to try to process how you want to proceed. A lot of the outcome depends on his behaviour in the coming months though