Do you forgive sexting?

[Purplesndteal]

One off explicit. He says he just didn't think what he was doing. I do believe it was a one off. It was ten lines. We have a baby, a house, a dog and we're supposed to get married next year

I don't really understand the details, but ten texts or whatever is not a 'one off.' You can't even trust him that it's the only person he's messaged like it, as if it was up to him you wouldn't know about this one. Presumably, depending on the content of the msgs, that he didn't intend you to know about it is true whether he leaves his phone lying around or not.

That you can't see anything else dodgy on his phone at the mo doesn't mean anything unfortunately. Cheaters and sleazes with any sense delete as they go along.

No definitely not. You'll spend the rest of your life meeting his colleagues/friends and wondering whether he's sexted them too.

No. Absolutely not. He’s fantasising about fucking another woman.

World you sext another man? Would he forgive you if you did?

Didn’t know what he was doing... Aren’t you both worried about him if he’s doing things without knowing why?

Absolutely not

Do not brush it under the table. This will be the first time he's been caught.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

He says he just didn't think what he was doing.

His dick doesn't think for him, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Don't waste your life on a cheating man.

Succinct and extremely accurate AF.

So the one single time he did it was also the one time you saw? That's a pretty huge coincidence.

Seriously though.... if you don't draw a line, he will constantly push and push to see how much he can get away with.

Draw your line. Ask him to leave.

He’s fantasising about fucking another woman.

Having a fantasy in your mind is no crime, we all have silly fantasies, but he is actually engaging with another person. By text or a physical relationship is irrelevant. It's a massive betrayal. I guarantee he won't be satisfied with just sexting for long.

He did message this person and asked for clarification . She said it was just "banter".

So he was pursuing more.

Op, he isnt going to get better. You were already sacrificing the wedding you wanted.

An ex colleague.

They must be pretty familiar with each other to sext.

Personally, for me he’d be out the door.

Unforgivable for me. Sexting is basically telling another person what you would like to do with them - that is complete betrayal in my eyes. No loyalty to you

@Purplesndteal

You are on MN. Here - you will only vet get one advice for most transgressions - independent on gravity. And it’s always a deal breaker to all, and LTB is the only way.
Kids, houses, life history - nothing apparently matters.

In real life - according to counsellors - most marriages don’t break up after infidelity is discovered. It’s just a fact.
In real life - people think it would be a deal breaker but when it happens to them - they change their minds.
And even on MN - many a thread starts with - I always thought it’d be the end, but now that it happened - I’d like to rebuild and move on....

So. In your situation - it’s not an affair you discovered. At least there is a hope it isn’t.
If he is really not exhibiting signs and his phone is there - why not watch it for a while and see? Why not maybe even do a bit of relationship ‘tune up’ - and have some couples counselling? Why not explore what was happening in his head - and what might have lead to that behaviour? Etc.

MN would try to make you feel bad about any other choice but the nuclear option. But it only matters what YOU think and what’s right for your family.

At some point or another in any couple over time - people would fantasize about sex with someone else other than their partner. Anyone who woeful tell you they’d never found anybody else attractive from the moment they saw their partner is bending the truth.
Obviously - most don’t follow up on that, so texting is an extra step from that.
However - people can make mistakes. In all other areas of life we forgive. Not sure what makes forgiveness in this one impossible.
But of course - only if he is genuinely remorseful and showing it.

In all other areas of life we forgive.

In all other areas? No, we don't. Not even close.

it’s not an affair you discovered

It's exactly an affair she discovered. An emotional one, but that is not in any way less damaging than a physical one.

@MMmomdd

In real life - according to counsellors - most marriages don’t break up after infidelity is discovered. It’s just a fact.
In real life - people think it would be a deal breaker but when it happens to them - they change their minds.
And even on MN - many a thread starts with - I always thought it’d be the end, but now that it happened - I’d like to rebuild and move on....

You're missing the threads where the vast majority of women who stayed after some kind of cheating say that they wished they hadn't, they never felt the same about their partners afterwards, were often left paranoid and insecure...or the relationship ended after a few years anyway because they couldn't forget it and they wish they had ended it and saved themselves the pain

He Is remorseful and willing to give up all social media and change his phone to a dumn phone. I know it wasn't an affair the way he behaves around his phone is a giveaway. He calls this a very big and stupid mistake.

However - people can make mistakes. In all other areas of life we forgive. Not sure what makes forgiveness in this one impossible.

A huge amount of people are fully capable of the forgiveness part after a while, but they can't forget and that's the difference!!

They end up in so much pain because they did forgive but they are not able to forget so end up paranoid, insecure and a whole load of other negative things!!

He Is remorseful

I'd wonder why he is remorseful. Is it because of what he's done, or because he got caught? You might want to ponder that question. If he hadn't gotten caught, he'd still be doing it.

I would not be able to forgive. He knew what he was doing and has deleted the evidence. Trust is broken. Your self esteem will be affected second guessing yourself. Did he buckle because he was caught? You deserve better

He Is remorsefuL

The only thing he is remorseful about is getting caught.

I wouldn't necessarily split but I wouldn't be marrying him (or having any more kids with him) for another good few years that's for sure. If be follows through with deleting social media and there are no further issues, maybe re-assess 4 or 5 years down the line.

In real life - according to counsellors - most marriages don’t break up after infidelity is discovered. It’s just a fact.

@MMmomDD Maybe fundamentalist Xtian counsellors have spread that myth because they think all marriages should last for life regardless of how crap they are or something.

In reality, 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. Often there will've been infidelity at some point. It mightn't be the only thing that's been a problem, but it's one of the things.

Nope, we might move past it as a couple but it's as bad as shagging someone imo.

Yes - in all other areas of life we do forgive. It’s part of the modern society’s view.
People are punished for mistakes and then given a chance to rehabilitate.
We teach our kids to forgive and make up.
Etc.

As to how people in marriages that deal with infidelity fare over years. Who knows.
I have a cynical view of a marriage anyway and rarely see marriages that are blissful over long periods of time.
And as to people who stayed after infidelity saying - they wished they didn’t stay. Well - if that were true - they’d be actually leaving and not just saying that.

A sexting episode isn’t an affair. Transgression and a mistake - sure. But not nearly the same as an actual affair.

OP clearly doesn’t want to throw out her relationship over that. Why not try to support her and give her advice on how she can best do that and protect herself.

No