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Original poster

Do you forgive sexting?

185 replies

Purplesndteal · 29/05/2020 23:08

One off explicit. He says he just didn't think what he was doing. I do believe it was a one off. It was ten lines. We have a baby, a house, a dog and we're supposed to get married next year

OP posts:
Corruptedtongue · 30/05/2020 07:30

@MMmomDD I completely agree with you.

littlebirdieblue · 30/05/2020 07:31

I have been here and it really doesn't stop, they just get better at hiding it. It won't stop completely, maybe for a few months it will but people like him always do it again.

Once the trust is gone, it's gone you will always doubt him and that's no basis for a solid relationship.

Corruptedtongue · 30/05/2020 07:36

For me - personally - it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. I think most people are prone to infidelity.

Kittykat93 · 30/05/2020 08:02

So now you're fine with him cheating as long as you know? You crack on then love. Sure you'll have a lifetime of happiness

Lostvoiced · 30/05/2020 08:08

No.
He knew what he was doing.

Athenasowl · 30/05/2020 08:13

No absolutely not. His excuse that he 'didn't think' is utter garbage.
Before anyone does something we must first think about it. That's how it works. He absolutely thought about it and what he thought was he could get away with it.
What he meant was 'i didn't think about YOU'. He thought about himself and his own desires.

Don't listen to his excuses.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 08:34

Absolutely Athena . He's a natural thrill seeker with addictive personality. He's even told me that he was addicted to chatterbator many years ago. I don't think he's a natural physical or emotional cheater. It's not proof but at least I'm STD clean (was checked when pregnant). So I knew how he was like. I think he probably has some sort of sex addiction thing. I know he's do it again of that I'm sure. Will it be meaningless? I think that's ultimately what matters.

OP posts:
athenasowl · 30/05/2020 08:41

If you feel he has an addiction and that he'll do it again then ultimately you need to focus on yourself and ask yourself if it's something you're willing to live with. You get to decide what you want, don't be a passive bystander in your own life waiting for him to do it again or change.

If you can live with your husband contacting other women for sexual thrills go ahead and marry him.

NoMoreDickheads · 30/05/2020 08:54

Oh OP, I think it's sad that you feel you would put up with his shagging around as long as it's above board.

Does he pressure you for sex and that's why you wouldn't mind someone else taking some of the pressure off you?

A man obsessed with sex is one of the world's least attractive type of man. I bet if you were to write it all down here you would start to see exactly the type of man he is.

So, in what other ways do you experience his obsession?

Corruptedtongue · 30/05/2020 08:54

I agree - I think this is likely to be something that you’ll have to live with, and whether you want to accept this. He absolutely needs to address his behaviour and communicate openly with you, I think counselling would help. There are many very interesting articles on monogamy, fidelity in relationships. Think there was a HUGE sexual revolution in the 60’s and our sexual behaviour changed greatly - yet society’s rules haven’t adapted to accept this yet.

Coffeeandbeans · 30/05/2020 08:56

To sex text you must be in a very relaxed relationship with that person already?

Ryah1 · 30/05/2020 08:56

There are some men who are all talk, and have that personality. Is this his personality? Do you accept that it was simply banter? The fact that you have sought advice here, shows that you are not comfortable with what he has done and you don’t buy his explanation. If I were in your shoes I would sit him down ,tell him how you feel and set your boundaries. His reaction will guide you on how to proceed.

Coffeeandbeans · 30/05/2020 09:01

You just keep lowering your boundaries OP. He must be a hell of a catch.

Somethingkindaoooo · 30/05/2020 09:10

Think there was a HUGE sexual revolution in the 60’s and our sexual behaviour changed greatly - yet society’s rules haven’t adapted to accept this yet

Huh?

Nah.
Going behind your partners back isn't edgy and cool, it's just being a lying, sneaky toad.
Nothing new about that!

Sharkyfan · 30/05/2020 09:14

Think it changes things a bit that it was an ex colleague that he actually knows, rather than a nameless faceless person online.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 09:38

The ex colleague could have been a random person, it's not like it was a friend.

No, he's not a sex pest. I think he uses sex to compensate for things sometimes (or has to rush out for work but will come home and make it up to me with sex). When we were dating we had sex in public places quite a few times. We watched porn on our honeymoon.

I wouldn't say he's obsessed with sex at all, but when he wants it we always make time/space for that and I've always liked that about our relationship.

He has a past with drugs too.

But overall he's a good partner and father. If we're having a fight he'll always wait for me to calm.down. if he gets annoyed about anything he'll compose himself within a minute or so and make things right.

It could be that he has some sex/addiction issue it could be that he's a cheating bastard, it could be somewhere in between.

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 30/05/2020 09:44

Gosh, he's sounding less attractive with each post OP.

No, I wouldn't forgive, but I wouldn't be with someone who had a druggie past, sex addiction or watched on their honeymoon either.

I would suggest you postpone the wedding - why tie yourself up legally and financially with this person? Don't have more children, and decide whether you can trust him. Personally? ime they normally admit to the bare minimum. I've forgiven too much in the past - never again.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 09:56

I mean we have a joint mortgage so financially we're already tied, but that's irrelevant.

He wants to go to therapy and what I think it takes to earn my trust again.

I can understand cheating when unhappy, but we weren't we were quite happy.

OP posts:
athenasowl · 30/05/2020 10:07

Happiness has got nothing to do with cheating. He did it because he wanted to and there are zero consequences when he's caught. And if there are consequences he's weighed it up and concluded that they are not severe enough and he doesn't care.
It's that simple.

He gets to say sorry and give some lame excuse about not thinking and then he gets to go to therapy and whinge about it and claim he has an addiction. And you're going along with it. As far as he's concerned that's a brilliant deal.

Candyfloss99 · 30/05/2020 10:13

If you think he'll do it again that's even worse. Have some self respect. So you could be walking down the street and people know your husband has been sexting people they know? That's so degrading. Do you want to be pitied?

NoMoreDickheads · 30/05/2020 10:13

Ah ok, IDK if I misunderstood you.

So, you are excusing this particular action by saying it could be a sign of an addiction? I would see it as an action he chose to take, which you don't have to put up with. At all.

Don't resign yourself to having to possibly put up with it in future. Why should you?

Think there was a HUGE sexual revolution in the 60’s and our sexual behaviour changed greatly - yet society’s rules haven’t adapted to accept this yet

Erm, nah. People shag around more sometimes when they're single maybe. Then some chose to enter into monogamous relationships. They make a commitment and agree to it through choice.

Some couples may have open relationships or whatever but in my experience the outcomes of those experiments are pretty poor and it doesn't tend to enhance a relationship for long. And deciding unilaterally to make a relationship 'open' and doing stuff without telling your partner isn't ok.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 10:19

I could leave sure. But I don't want the baby to live without his father. If you read my other thread you'll see I have no local family nor friends. So I'd move away. I think I can live with him as some sort of roomie but I know.thats not the best example for the baby who I'm in theory trying to.protect.

I could just leave, grab my dog and baby (after the pandemic allows it) and enjoy some time just the three of us. I as a woman I don't need him. The love I had for him died the moment I saw that text. But I care about him as the father of my baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 10:22

I'm in a place where I want to try to save it for the baby, but I know the cost is my self worth.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 30/05/2020 10:23

You deserve to live a happy life and move on. Staying with this man as a roomie while he will probably have girlfriends will be way more damaging and confusing for your son than if you leave and he sees his father in the holidays.

Ughmaybenot · 30/05/2020 10:25

Look, I don’t want to sound horrible, but it will be far more damaging for your son to grow up in a household where his father doesn’t respect his mother and where his mother seems to accept that lack of respect, and where there’s no love between them, than it would be for him to grow up with parents who aren’t together but have worked out how best to co-parent.