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Original poster

Do you forgive sexting?

185 replies

Purplesndteal · 29/05/2020 23:08

One off explicit. He says he just didn't think what he was doing. I do believe it was a one off. It was ten lines. We have a baby, a house, a dog and we're supposed to get married next year

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 30/05/2020 01:29

@NoMoreDickheads

Nothing to do with Christian fundamentalist. It’s counsellors empirical evidence; and also studies by psychologists; and statistics....

Yes - half of marriages do end up in divorce. Top reasons are arguments; money; sex. Infidelity is a small share of those.

But if you start by just looking at the numbers of people discovering affairs - and that data is only visible to counsellors or researches studying couples - data is clear and consistent. Most don’t divorce - as it’s a big upheaval to people’s lives. And when kids are involved - even more so

Seaside1234 · 30/05/2020 02:02

So, calling from the other and not often heard from side. My husband had an affair (full physical and emotional deal) 2.5 years ago. It was in a bad situation but I was fed a lot of stuff that I believed (and wanted to believe) at the time. We stayed together - joint decision (we have 2 kids). Now, we’re back to where we were pre-affair. He hasn’t stuck to anything we agreed were basic requirements for going forwards. My feeling now is that he crossed a line I’ve never done, and he felt awful at the time but with time and lack of consequences, it doesn’t seem such a big deal to him. Your husband knows damn well what he did wasn’t ok. If he’s given no consequences, he’ll just carry on with the story of ‘she made a big deal about nothing’. Of course it’s not ok! I know how awful it feels to find out the person you chose isn’t all you thought they were, and I’m sorry. Please don’t let him tell you that is somehow ok xx

famousforwrongreason · 30/05/2020 03:18

Personally, once I find out someone has hidden something from me then I become scared and paranoid and of course imagine the worst.
For me, lies and withholding of information kill relationships for me. As my friend says to her husband 'if you don't tell me the truth I'll just make it up'.

CuppaZa · 30/05/2020 03:34

You seem to be making excuses for him in every single of your responses @Purplesndteal.
This won’t be a one off, and if you stay he will know he can get away with it time and time again. His actions are basically saying ‘what I have already is not enough’.

Marrying a man like this is a huge mistake.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 04:07

I've offered to "open" the relationship as if he wants to swxtbother people I'm fine with it as long as I know, but he's adamant he doesn't want that.

He's the most loving man I know I would never had expected it at all.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 30/05/2020 04:12

OP it's quite clear you have no intention of leaving him over this. Are you really ok with an open relationship? Or are you so afraid of him leaving that youd agree to pretty much anything.

If you have said he can sleep with other people, sexting is the least if your worries. It's very likely that he can and will start to feel something for these other women even if he does tell you about them.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 04:53

I'm a true believer that fidelity is a flexible concept, but you have to agree to the rules beforehand. No, I'm not afraid of me or him leaving at all. I know we can be decent friends, and parent with him, it's just knowing what my expectations are. I don't have any intention of being with anyone else ever again, and I don't mean it in the "I can't leave without him" bit I can just as happily live with the dog and baby.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2020 05:12

He's the most loving man I know

How tragic. The most loving man you know is sexting with other women, not giving a fuck about you. All of the other men in your life must be absolutely horrible.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 05:40

I don't know what the next step should be. I don't believe that throwing him out of the house would solve anything. He had everything he could dream of and threw it away. At least I appreciate there's no gaslight nor blame shifting. Yes there's some minimising and he wants to prove to me I can trust him again. I don't think I can.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 30/05/2020 05:59

@MMmomDD As usual here trying to persuade yet another woman to put up with shit male behaviour.

If you are so cynical about marriage anyway why do you put in so much effort on these threads convincing women to stay? Again I'll point out your opinions are mainly a minority.

Sadiesnakes · 30/05/2020 06:01

You are deluding yourself with the no gaslighting op, there's no way you caught him on a once off.

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2020 06:07

So there's no consequence? Just some hand ringing. Surely he should at least leave for a bit so he knows what will happen next time he cheats?

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2020 06:08

He cheated on you and you respond by offering him an open relationship? How badly do you need dick in your life op?! Buy a dildo and dump the cheater

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 06:11

He knows he'd be left with nothing. He's pretty aware of it. BUT I can be ok with him doingng it again of I know that's what I should expect. Every relationship has its own rules. We all have our kinks.and so on is the lack of honesty.

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 30/05/2020 06:11

If you stay with him there will come a time when you look back at this incident and say to yourself "that is when I should have left him, why the fuck did I stay and waste all these years?"

AnyFucker · 30/05/2020 06:23

Now I am sure this is a bunch of shit

emmetgirl · 30/05/2020 06:32

It's the first time he got caught.

Persiaclementine · 30/05/2020 06:35

Absoultly not. He knew what he was doing

MsDogLady · 30/05/2020 06:38

You say you believe in “flexible” fidelity and are open to shifting your boundaries to accommodate his sexting. Are you also willing to accommodate his lying?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 06:41

I've been through his phone again. I'm aware he could have deleted stuff by now, but there was nothing. No photos on the Google photos app, most boring browsing history known to man.

I could tell.this woman's partner as she just called it "fun" see how much "fun" her husband has when he knows. But that's just revenge and I won't get anything out of it.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 30/05/2020 06:59

You are really trying to convince yourself here it's all going to be ok. Fair enough, your choice. You've caught him. Finding nothing on his phone when he knows you would likely snoop is irrelevant now. The trust is broken and the damage done.

Ughmaybenot · 30/05/2020 07:13

Open marriages work when there’s trust before the open aspect. I can’t believe you’re that desperate to keep him that you’ve thrown all your previously held boundaries to the wind in the hope of keeping him with you. I don’t judge people with open marriages, at all, as while it wouldn’t be my thing, everyone is different, but it’s not an open marriage if it started like this!
As for her husband..It’s either not a big deal, and one you can accept and move on from, or it is a big deal, and one which her husband needs to know about. You can’t have it both ways. To be honest, you’d be telling him out of spite, and I don’t think that’s a good road to go down personally.
Thing is, at the end of the day, it’s your choice. But he’s shit all over you and your boundaries and all you’re telling him is that that’s absolutely fine, and also, darling, would you like to do whatever the fuck you like from here on in(please don’t leave me). Is that what you want?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 07:14

Yes, I know it's all irrelevant and the trust is gone. And I don't want to be the type of perat who tells him he has to delete his Facebook, not have a smartphone, etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesndteal · 30/05/2020 07:17

Well no, because I'd leave. My relationship with him as it was is over. It doesn't come from a place of "please whatever you do don't leave me" not at all.

We did have a nice relationship with normal ups and doesn't but I had never been happier. Throwing that away is hard.

OP posts:
sallievp · 30/05/2020 07:19

Of course it's up to you if you want to keep this prize catch....I personally have higher standards.

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