Great in person but terrible texter

[PepperPott]

I can't figure out if I'm being too needy here or if he's actually not that into me (I'm suspecting the latter).

I've been seeing a guy for a few of months - no exclusivity chats. Started before lockdown, we didn't see each other for 8 weeks and then started meeting again last week.
It's always been pretty bad. Even when initially talking on OLD, he'd disappear for 3 days and then continue. However I was talking to other people so not so bothered to begin with.
We had a great first date and then saw each other a few more times, but even then, if we didn't meet that week it could be 3-4 days between messages - and they aren't long messages. Politely conversational or maybe sending a pic back and forth but I can't say I've learnt anything about him from them.

Texting over those 8 weeks just felt painful. It was getting to the point where I'd initiate a conversation after nothing from him for a week - he'd reply the next day and we might have one or two messages a day and it would go quite for a few days again.

We finally met again a couple of times last week and they were amazing dates. We were chatting until late in the night, he was sharing a lot about deep topics - a recent bereavement, his ex, childhood, etc. He couldn't stop looking at me, smiling at me, incredibly affectionate - telling me how happy he was to be with me. He brought food with him the first time and cooked for me the next.

And here we are again with the texting this week. Nothing for 4 days, so I've sent him a message asking if he wants to do something next week - and now I'm back to the waiting and don't expect he will respond until tomorrow at the earliest. I have no reason to assume he'll say no, but this constant waiting just leaves me in panic mode.

So what am I supposed to think here? It feels like it's going so well in person but I feel like I'm getting some serious mixed messages when I'm not there.

My very close friend died last year and my mind was all over the place. I was very up and down. I’d actually put a lot of his “aloofness” genuinely down to that. But I’d equally say that he’s probably not in the right place for a relationship. So avoid him anyway.

Well I figure he has my number, he can come back and discuss when/ if he wants to. But best for me to move on for now, date some other people and see. We haven’t defined anything so I suppose we can equally move on - even if it’s really hard as we seemed to enjoy each other’s company.

There’s actually other compatibility issues anyway. We have practically nothing in common - hobbies, movies tastes, social lives - even our ‘intellectual pursuits’ are wildly different. It makes for engaging conversation, but I think common ground is a good way to build on something.

How wonderfully refreshing - someone that is actually better in real life than they make out by text! I would love that, it would make me like him even more!

But anyway OP if it's a problem for you, it's easily communicated. ''Can we text a bit more, it's just what I'm used to, it makes me happy, it means a lot to me''.

I think many men aren't into texting as much as women anyway. Women like to yap, men like to take action. I personally hate texting. I'm texted out, it bores the shit outta me. If I ever had to start dating again it would be one of the first things I laid out - ''I'm really not big into texting''.

OP - what would you prefer. Someone with depth, that's fun and affectionate and makes you happy but doesn't give a shit about blowing up your phone every day with mindless yapping. Or someone that's lame in real life and disappoints you but talks the good talk over a stupid phone?

Honestly, I’d just prefer someone to reply. Yes, lovely that he’s great in person but this is getting ridiculous.

He did get back to me a couple of days ago to tell me about funeral. Brief texting, and I stupidly suggested meeting - and you can guess what’s happened again now.

I’m just drained by it all.

pepper he’s picking and choosing when to be attentive. He’s not consistent and I seriously doubt this will change.

I think it sounds very far from wonderfully refreshing and actually quite confusing, selfish and rude.

Taking days to get back to a date text tells you everything you need to know. I would put my house on him knowing exactly how this makes you feel.

@ihavenicelegs I think you are right that he is rude and selfish, but I’m not sure he’s even considered how I feel about it. I think he gets wrapped up in his life and doesn’t even consider how I might feel.

He did reply again yesterday and told me he couldn’t do proposed date (major home repairs - and sent pics too. It looked pretty bad). But that will probably be it now until he’s done because I don’t think I’m important enough to him to just check in.

I think, on consideration, it really is a case that he’s not that interested. I think he likes me enough to keep me in the loop eventually, but not enough to consider me a priority. His ‘downtime’ from real shit is friends, gaming, other crap - and I’m somewhere below that. But I’m not sure what’s reasonable - it’s only been 4 months (with two not seeing each other during lockdown) and we’ve had less than a dozen dates so it’s still quite new. All of his stories are genuine - the friend’s death is real. The home repairs are real (in fact when the damage happened that was the first time he disappeared for a few days, but then got back to me with pics to show me why so I understood it as we’d only been on 4 dates by that point).

So I don’t know. Am I expecting too much by now? Surely coming back about plans in a timely manner is still reasonable though!

You are not asking too much! 4 months in I'd expect to be more of a priority than gaming at the very least. Please don't feel like you're unreasonable to expect someone to keep in touch and keep you in the loop in a timely manner.

Who wants to be second best to DIY?! Bin this guy off now.

I will let him off for the DIY thing. I wouldn’t want to see anyone whilst my house was in that much of a state (kitchen and living room completely destroyed at the moment. Debris everywhere).

I’m going to go back to not contacting him again. He can get in touch when he hasn’t got other things going on - if he doesn’t bother, then that’s his problem.

If he's got so much on and doesn't have time to date, then dont date.
Dont leave you wondering. Who's got time for that flakiness.

Look how many hours, days and months you've wasted agonising over this man and whether he's into you or not, letting other potential relationships pass you by and causing yourself so much grief and anxiety by letting him treat you like this.

Maybe hes rubbish at texting, maybe hes not, maybe circumstances have indeed intervened - home repairs and funeral but regardless of those situations, its hardly a great love story, you sound like you're clinging onto any scraps he gives you and your whole relationship is based on when the time is maybe right for him and putting all his wishes and needs before your own.

He has shown you how is going to treat you in this relationship, even right from the beggining when you said he would take days to reply to you on online dating.
Believe what he is showing you. It doesnt mean hes a bad person, he just isnt able to give you what you need in a relationship but you still seem more focused on his needs rather than your own.

If his dating profile had said.......

"great guy in person but you won't hear from me in days and weeks and will leave you hanging on desperate for contact and second guessing yourself to the point where you have to ask for advice from strangers on the internet"

Would you still have continued?
.

Sounds exactly like someone I know ! We met before lockdown and had a couple of dates initially he was very good at texting daily but that has changed to a few times a week now. We met last weekend he was very flirty etc and cooked me a roast, since then very little texts again I'm confused as to where I stand !!

Yep I know one of these too. When asked about it he had a major paddy and said I wanted too much. Thing is if I stayed and put up with it it would have meant I wanted too little. Also a stoner and I've seen him still browsing dating apps 🙄

I’m sorry to hear that there seem to be so many men like that out there and others are having the same experiences.

In person we ‘fit together perfectly’ (his words), but then nothing in the times between. I sent him a picture of something I’d been working on yesterday - no response. So I’m overthinking everything - ‘am I too reserved with him in person so he doesn’t know how I feel’, ‘did I say something stupid?’, ‘should I have done x/y?’.

So I need to stop letting him in. I deleted his number once. I think now might be the time to just block and be done with but there’s that niggling worry that I’ve got it wrong and he really is just dealing with a lot right now. I was thinking I might sent him a final text telling how this is making me feel but I’m not sure if I should even bothered.

He probably has no idea you feel like this. Just tell him. Honestly just let him no.

Oh god why bother???
Look how you are overthinking how YOU might have done anything wrong rather than he is responsible for replying???

Leave it. Even if is because he has a 'lot on' that's no good for you for a relationship and not what you're looking for.
And if it is because he's a crap texter, that's no good either.
Either way.....no good!!
Stop excusing him!!!

Value yourself. You are a worth a text ffs.
Saying things like 'we fit perfectly 'is to keep you hooked.
Honestly, all it is hes not bothered. It's that simple.
When a man is interested NOTHING stops them from texting

@Aerial2020 I know you are right! Honestly I have more days when I’m pissed off rather than pining for him. But I also flip between just dropping him outright and wanting to make him aware what I think about it to at least say I tried.

I know, it's bloody hard when you like someone!!! Aaahhh! The waiting is insane.
I get it. But you have tried.

Yes. I have tried, you’re right.

I don’t think I’m ready to block him, but I have decided to delete his number again for now. It’s definitely causing me more anxiety than happiness and that’s just pointless.

I’m also starting to wonder if he has found someone else now (I don’t think he had when I last saw him but a lot can happen in a couple of weeks). He’ll text something saying ‘I need to see you soon’ but then doesn’t make plans - I’m thinking I may well be his fallback girl.

Do you think he's doing all this hand wringing over you?

I've had a quick read through and you sound quite obsessed with this man. He's a drug taking ignorant knob from what I can see who you have nothing in common with by your own admission. I'd be having a think about why it is you can't just rip the plaster off and move on

Honestly, stop mooning over him and just stop chasing him. Because that's what you're doing now - hoovering up any crumbs he deigns you throw you.

@UrgentDoughnut - I know this sounds ridiculous, but I was in an incredibly long relationship with someone I never had chemistry with. There’s many reasons I left my ex, but one of the big things was that I was avoiding sex and intimacy with him for years because I felt nothing physically or emotionally.

This guy, God I don’t know what it is! if I’m honest, I’d objectively say I’m more attractive than him but the chemistry is insane. And I’ve never had this kind of in-person intimacy - not even before my ex. I feel so comfortable in his company. He talks about anything and everything and is always open and honest - I guess he’s basically the antithesis to my ex - but he’s shit at contacting me in between meeting (ironically my ex would text me too often so I guess I’m struggling to figure out where the happy medium is).

Just as an update though - he did text me, apologised for not contacting me much recently, said he missed me and arranged a date. I’m not stupid - if this carries on I know I can’t continue and I am still keeping my options open (I’ve rejoined dating apps and still talking to the other guy who is definitely a lot more keen than me).

Well he blew me off. No apology. I didn’t contact him over the whole weekend. Left him to it. Went to confirm our plans on the day and then I get a message back (half a day later) saying he’s seeing friends so can’t.

So I blew him off and told him it’s not working for me anymore.

You were all right. I’m not even upset about him - just about having another wasted evening. Thank you for all the advice - if I hadn’t have had your input I would have been sad but let him off with him ‘I’ll let you know when I’m free again’ message and continued to play the ‘cool’ girl.

I’m not anymore. Fuck him. He’s fucking rude and inconsiderate.

Sorry to hear that OP, I know it must have been pretty disappointing. What an arsehole - who does that??

How’s it going with the other guy?

At least that’s put a lid on it. He’s blown his chances. More fool him.