Great in person but terrible texter

[PepperPott]

I can't figure out if I'm being too needy here or if he's actually not that into me (I'm suspecting the latter).

I've been seeing a guy for a few of months - no exclusivity chats. Started before lockdown, we didn't see each other for 8 weeks and then started meeting again last week.
It's always been pretty bad. Even when initially talking on OLD, he'd disappear for 3 days and then continue. However I was talking to other people so not so bothered to begin with.
We had a great first date and then saw each other a few more times, but even then, if we didn't meet that week it could be 3-4 days between messages - and they aren't long messages. Politely conversational or maybe sending a pic back and forth but I can't say I've learnt anything about him from them.

Texting over those 8 weeks just felt painful. It was getting to the point where I'd initiate a conversation after nothing from him for a week - he'd reply the next day and we might have one or two messages a day and it would go quite for a few days again.

We finally met again a couple of times last week and they were amazing dates. We were chatting until late in the night, he was sharing a lot about deep topics - a recent bereavement, his ex, childhood, etc. He couldn't stop looking at me, smiling at me, incredibly affectionate - telling me how happy he was to be with me. He brought food with him the first time and cooked for me the next.

And here we are again with the texting this week. Nothing for 4 days, so I've sent him a message asking if he wants to do something next week - and now I'm back to the waiting and don't expect he will respond until tomorrow at the earliest. I have no reason to assume he'll say no, but this constant waiting just leaves me in panic mode.

So what am I supposed to think here? It feels like it's going so well in person but I feel like I'm getting some serious mixed messages when I'm not there.

I think the bereavement thing is a red herring - it’s a bit unpleasant bringing it up, so now you can’t bring up the way you’re feeling because you don’t want to be horrible?

So now you feel guilty for expecting basic polite social contact?

Let’s put this into context. It’s not like you sent him 56 phone messages or gatecrashed a wake?

You’ve been after basic “yes, sounds good. or no” messages which take all of five seconds to send or receive??

I actually dated someone who was very similar - good catch, good fun, told me he loved me - but made me feel stupid and like I was some needy imbecile for basic polite confirmation things were happening?

Halfway through dating his stepmom was pretty ill, and then I thought I “should” be sympathetic, but he was like that anyway?

It was SO hard as the last time we were meant to meet my body was just sat there filled with anxiety (we’d arranged the day before and I was bracing myself for a last minute cancellation/me chasing /him just not replying) and I thought “why the hell am I putting myself through this?”.

Good that he apologised. In that situation I guess I’d reply something warm and sympathetic but not make any further reference to us meeting up and in a way that makes it clear you don’t expect a response i.e. not ask him a question. Whether this is his personality or due to circumstance, I do think he should do something to demonstrate that he’s interested. He may not be interested simply because he’s got something major (the bereavement) going on, but that is still a reason to let it go if he can’t meet your needs at this time.

I’ve replied as you suggested, @velourvoyageur - ‘sorry to hear that, hope you are okay - take care of yourself’ sort thing without suggesting anything further. He did ask how I am but I don’t really know the correct answer to that (annoyed? Frustrated? Sad? A bit guilty?) so I didn’t say anything.

Now I will just leave him alone and let him get in touch with me if he wants to. If he doesn’t, then that’s that I guess.

That’s probably a sensible reply. Keep yourself busy and if you hear from him in the future and he asks about meeting up say you’re not sure whether there is any point to just a casual date every few weeks and no contact in between. See what he comes back with.

Who died? How close was he? It would have quite an affect if it was a v close friend etc and relatively unexpected. If it was I’d give him another chance personally.

It was a friend, very unexpected, complicated by the fact that he was in a different country. He said that they’d spoken just a few days prior and were making plans for when he returns.

He didn’t talk about it initially but was very open about how he was feeling on one of our dates last week.

He’s playing you like a fiddle. He sounds very emotionally manipulative. Don’t kid yourself, he knows exactly what he’s doing, keeping you on tender hooks so you become obsessed by him & then he’s got you. Beware of men like this. It’s more about the thrill of the chase I’m afraid. I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, in fact it sounds like he fancies you but he’s keeping his options open. Go carefully here. Be aware, he’s not naive, he’s a skilful manipulator and is playing the game. Just make sure you protect yourself. Don’t allow yourself to become his puppet.

I don’t want to sound really naive, but I don’t think he is deliberately manipulating me. I think he just doesn’t think about me - a combination of doing things we enjoys more and just not really that interested. But actually, that’s enough of an answer as to whether I should be holding on to it unnecessarily.

I deleted him number from WhatsApp this morning. So he can still text me if he wants to get in touch but I’m removing the temptation to chase him. And I’m feeling a lot more okay about it today.

Thank you for all the advice

I'm also a shit texter. I wish I could get rid of my phone altogether! I have no interest in sending or receiving texts. I'm ok with e-mail as somehow it feels it isn't as urgent and there are no delivered/read indicators.

Having said that, when I met my now DH I was a very keen texter with him as I just wanted to know how he is doing and keep in contact with him. Also, your guy, whether he is a bad texter or not, sounds just rude. He assumes that it is ok to keep you waiting as if you wouldn't have anything better to do than wait around for his precious replies.

Sound like the right idea OP.

As I said I was in a similar situation and I let it limp on for longer than I should, with me always wondering and him just living his life.

Good for you. 🥳

I needed this as a kick really to realise it’s not worth my time.

I actually was speaking to someone I matched with a couple of months ago but I cooled off on him when I thought this was going somewhere. I’ve messaged him again and he’s already replied - so apparently they can get back to you in a timely manner!

It doesn't really matter why he was doing it, bottom line was he wasn't thinking about you and how you feel.

Maybe deliberately as a power play to give him the control.

Or maybe not deliberately but he just didn't think about you and how it would feel for you if he didn't bother getting in touch with you

Either way you don't want to be in that position of withing and hoping on a man. It will drive you crazy and make you insecure, and then he'll say to you 'you are crazy and insecure' and you'll realise well I didn't used to be!!

You've done the right thing walking away.

That waiting for crumbs, hoping he'll get back to you, questioning yourself which you'd already started to do is just a horrible horrible dynamic.

Hope the new guy works out

Oh and he will get in touch again eventually BTW.
And he'll be all confused about why you're upset because he's such a 'nice guy'.

He may be nice but he's not nice to be in a relationship with if he can't think about you.

Well done OP you should be very proud of yourself.
It shows you're strong and respect yourself 🤩💐

Thank you. I’m feeling a lot more positive tonight. Back on OLD apps as well to see what’s out there and already have plenty of matches to wade through.

I didn’t mention it before because I knew how it would skew responses, but he’s a stoner too. He wasn’t, when we met (though had been in the past), but back to bad habits since furlough and the death of his friend so I think that’s part of the ‘not replying’ mentality. I did have some doubts about that too but thought it wouldn’t matter when he’s back in the office and needs to work.

I’m glad I posted this. I needed to vent it out a bit and I’m feeling like I’m not worth this crap anymore.

I didn’t mention it before because I knew how it would skew responses, but he’s a stoner too

Oh for goodness sake , you didn't give the whole picture ...wasting our time!

Well he was a shit texter before being a stoner - he just seemed to have become worse.

And I have dated a stoner before (years ago) who remembered to text me so I wasn’t sure if that was the whole picture.

I don't do the texting thing. You soon know if someone is into you if you make it a call only/ meetup type of relationship - texts only for a quick message, like "i've set off", or "home safe", etc. When you're exclusive and the relationship is strong, texts can ramp up. But remember to take your time as you are sounding too into him and in reality, he is a stranger. See him in various situations and allow time before deciding what you can both be. Try not to emotionally connect so heavily so quickly. He might only want a casual relationship and that's his prerogative or he might just want to take his time to make sure. I think it's about getting perspective on this relationship. Also dont play games, like saying no when you actually want to see him. Just say when you meet him that you need some notice.

I don’t think his being a stoner needs to play a role here. I used to smoke every day, first toke as soon as I got up, but it didn’t make me a different person. I think for most people weed and alcohol are interchangeable in most senses, really. Sometimes people are just incompatible even if they get on really well in other ways. You sound great OP and I hope this won’t knock you, it’s a headfuck but everyone experiences this and I’m sure you’ll meet someone you’re excited about soon. I’ve also no doubt that you’ve thought positively of various people in the past, but have been too distracted by just general life to make them a main focus or pursue them, so you can imagine how he might feel and not let it get to you.

Thanks @velourvoyageur - I hadn’t mentioned the stoner aspect before because honestly, it didn’t matter to me but I did wonder if that was also at play. I know what he’s like when stoned (let’s watch a million weird YouTube videos), so I can kind of imagine him zoning out, getting involved in other shit and not even thinking. But he’s not always stoned and still has forgotten me.

And it’s true. I forgot all about this other guy (I hadn’t met him yet in fairness though) - but it is hard. We’ve been on a lot of dates and he seems so into me in person. He’s the first person I’ve dated since I broke up with my ex so maybe that’s also clouding my judgement. I don’t know anyone else yet!

Either way, we’ve not even had the exclusive chat so I’ll date some other people and see how I feel. If he gets in touch, I will consider what to do then, but I’m done reaching out now.

He just sounds very detached - happy to see you when you're together, but you're not in his thoughts in between times. Maybe he's the 'rolling stone that gathers no moss' type - not a good foundation for a significant partnership. You've done the right thing, realising that and not investing in it. Onwards and upwards!

Well done for deleting his number,hes seeing how powerful he is with not replying untill the day to see if your still hanging there waiting for him, hes not interested, he just wants a shag every now and again, dont let him use you and blind you with his lovely he is 'in person' hes treat you like shit.

I had such a wobble this morning. Today is the funeral and I wanted to text him, but obviously can’t. Feeling really sad about things today - but of course, I shouldn’t. He still hasn’t reached out and I’m pretty sure he won’t now.

I do have a FaceTime date with the other guy tomorrow but I’m just not in the mood for it. Maybe it’s a bit soon.

I’m not really asking anything as such. I’ve just realised I feel really lonely today and I guess I was hanging on to those bits of affection.

I thought my partner wasn’t in to me...he’s the WORST texter!!!! Now here we are with a baby and talking about getting married. Xx

Try the face time with the other guy, it might go well.
You're doing well OP.

Just leave things as they are if you are both happy when together. All this texting seems totally unnecessary . It would drive me mad if people sent texts to me, unless it was some emergency.