Great in person but terrible texter

[PepperPott]

I can't figure out if I'm being too needy here or if he's actually not that into me (I'm suspecting the latter).

I've been seeing a guy for a few of months - no exclusivity chats. Started before lockdown, we didn't see each other for 8 weeks and then started meeting again last week.
It's always been pretty bad. Even when initially talking on OLD, he'd disappear for 3 days and then continue. However I was talking to other people so not so bothered to begin with.
We had a great first date and then saw each other a few more times, but even then, if we didn't meet that week it could be 3-4 days between messages - and they aren't long messages. Politely conversational or maybe sending a pic back and forth but I can't say I've learnt anything about him from them.

Texting over those 8 weeks just felt painful. It was getting to the point where I'd initiate a conversation after nothing from him for a week - he'd reply the next day and we might have one or two messages a day and it would go quite for a few days again.

We finally met again a couple of times last week and they were amazing dates. We were chatting until late in the night, he was sharing a lot about deep topics - a recent bereavement, his ex, childhood, etc. He couldn't stop looking at me, smiling at me, incredibly affectionate - telling me how happy he was to be with me. He brought food with him the first time and cooked for me the next.

And here we are again with the texting this week. Nothing for 4 days, so I've sent him a message asking if he wants to do something next week - and now I'm back to the waiting and don't expect he will respond until tomorrow at the earliest. I have no reason to assume he'll say no, but this constant waiting just leaves me in panic mode.

So what am I supposed to think here? It feels like it's going so well in person but I feel like I'm getting some serious mixed messages when I'm not there.

I didn't believe these people existed until I briefly dated one, wrote him off as hard work, became friends and then housemates. I got to see it from both sides. When we dated, I couldn't understand what was so hard about the occasional text.

Then when we lived together for a bit, I used to watch him agonising over what to write back to someone he was interested in. He hated texting and would come up with the most boring messages. He would even sometimes end a message with "Best regards" (he is mid-30s!). He knew he was crap at it so had decided the best way forward was not to try. It's a shame as he's a lovely guy and would make someone a great partner. Maybe your guy is similar!

Some of these replies are putting my mind at rest a bit, so thank you. I’ve got myself in a bad frame of mind thinking no text = not interested. And I’m okay with the crap texting if in person he’s so lovely - but I still just want him to confirm plans without me waiting.

So I will be bold on the proposed meet up day and if I’ve not heard from him at a time that suits me, I’ll just call him and ask him directly!

It's okay all the posts saying you are texting etc etc but he isn't contacting her or trying to
They don't live together so she cant gauge his reactions and mood

He could phone you for example, I mean if you don't text him again will he ever contact you?

It's ok not to be in contact if you live together but you don't

Text him to arrange a phone call?

Mn is so strange, one thread everyone hated calls now everyone hates texts! I just don’t think many people on here like speaking to people at all I’m surprised they can be bothered to post on here.

I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who barely contacted me. I mean if you stopped messaging him would he ever contact you again? He’s just not that into you imo.

You seem to be doing a lot of the chasing. Just stop texting him and see what happens.

Had a similar experience, ok for the first few months then texts dwindled. Called him out on it when he had a personal issue and had just stopped contacting me for a few weeks and didn't reply when I messaged him. Told him I wasn't prepared to message him anymore as he didn't reply when I did. All was ok for many months, him texting first, then me responding, then after 2 and a half YEARS he just stopped texting! What a bloody way to end! Dont let it drag on as long as I did OP. (BTW, if I ever called him, he wouldn't pick up)

Did you mention him on another thread, is it his brother who has very recently died? If it is he is obviously grieving and won't have much energy/inclination for texting.

So why isn't he phoning you? If texts are so hard, why doesn't he phone you?
Leaving until the day to arrange a date is lazy. Like you haven't got better thins to do then wait to hear from him.
He should ne trying hard to date you. Effort. That's what's needed. Effort.

I wouldn't bother. Your time is valuable.

Oh and don't phone him and ask directly.
Don't waste your time.

Not posted about him before.

So now I’m feeling back in the ‘not interested’ camp. I don’t think it’s game playing - it’s just I’m not a priority. It’s early days so I don’t expect to be, but I do expect a bit more consideration than this.

I think it might be time to withdraw and just see what he does - the fact that I’m assuming I won’t hear from him again says a lot about how this is making me feel.

Our current climate puts a lot of emphasis on texting, social media contact etc...however, I would 100% rely on how you feel about him when you see him in person and when you speak on the phone. That is who he is, not the frequency with which he answers text messages! I have a friend who puts so much weight on when people reply and how they reply and I found her approach so suffocating that I have completely changed my approach to messaging...I don't want to be 'monitoring' people on how they reply to my messages, because this is essentially what it is. You, of course, can withdraw and quit the relationship, but don't necessarily put this in the camp of game playing, after all he could feasibly think the same of you for constantly checking! Speak to him about it and then re-assess.

I find all forms of digital comma draining, and when life has been difficult i’ve just avoided them, including ignoring texts from kind friends. In person I’m warm, engaging and glad to see people. I can totally see why this is bothering you but if it was coming from me it wouldn’t mean anything other than I don’t like texting.

I suggest you

• say you don’t want to read too much into it, but does he want to keep seeing you? Let him know it’s not about you demanding he does things differently, you’re just wondering about mixed signals

-ask him if he’d just prefer a phone call -ask if he can get back to you a bit more quick about confirming plans

It doesn’t have to be a huge big deal.

Argh you know what though if I had a new crush I probably would keep in touch a bit more. And I just read your last post, and it sounds like your feelings have been hurt. Maybe you’re right to back off.

I feel a lot of the people posting have little insight into modern dating.

No texting-late texts IS a sign of lack of interest. You have asked him out, instead of replying he has decided to ignore you...let that sink in...he thinks he doesn't have to work to get you.

When I was dating, the men who did not bother texting just weren't that into me. When you have to chase a man that means your his 'meh' girl, he enjoys talking to you but is not that interested.

When a man likes you, he will be in contact and will make sure the next date it set up (even if he hates texting!) a man wouldn't want to risk you communicating with someone else. Dating is only hard when your not with the right person.

I agree with the above.
Its different if it's friends, text back when you want etc
But if you're trying to arrange a date with a guy and he leaves until the day or last min to text back for a date, why on earth would you drop everything just because 'hes not a texter'
He sounds crap. Why is his time more valuable than yours?
Stop chasing him, sounds mentally draining.

OP he’s being rude. It’s simply not kind to ignore a direct question - he knows you like him and will be waiting for an answer. Isn’t this a bit of an amber flag?
If I asked someone out and they didn’t reply until the last possible moment, I’m not sure I’d really still be interested (and definitely would not chase them for an answer!). Think you would benefit from taking a step back and considering why you’re overlooking his basic lack of consideration for your feelings, not to mention the fact he’s making it harder to organise your time.
Sometimes when people are charming it’s not always a useful clue as to whether they feel the same as you - sorry.

@ukgift2016 - unfortunately that's what I'm thinking.

It's frustrating. I want to believe that this lack of texting isn't a big deal as our face to face interactions are amazing. But I'm just not convinced. I've still not heard from him so in all honesty I don't think he will get back to me again until my suggested date.

I'd like to see him one more time and talk about it, but beyond that I think I need to just not bother and see if he reaches out instead.

Don't ask him to get back to you earlier. Don't ask him to call you instead.
Hes a grown man who can work that out for himself. And if he can't, hes not the right guy for you.
Watch the film 'hes not that into you're
Women make all kind of excuses why he doesn't get back to you when basically it's because you're not a priority.

Oh and if he does get back you last min say sorry that's not good for me, I've got another date.
If he wants to be with you, he will soon change his ways.

Oh also - I’m not really that big on messaging constantly but have always adjusted to people’s styles in some way precisely so they don’t suspect I’m uninterested. It’s not the noughties anymore, everyone knows that many people read meaning into rate of reply etc. If people don’t mirror you to some extent I think it does say something. Perhaps I’m wrong though.

4 days to reply to a text is rude and waits until on the day to confirm anything?
Sounds like he likes having you dangling, probably got other woman going in the same situation as you.
Stop saying yes, give him one more chance, if he waits until the day to confirm just reply “oh sorry I’m busy, as you hadn’t replied I assumed it’s wasn’t on”
Stop wasting time on this arse.

The really bizarre thing about all of this is that he told me he loves me last week. I don't think he meant it - I think it was an accidental 'in the moment' thing. In fact I didn't even realise he'd said it (post-sex haze) until he then moved on and said something else. I don't feel that but I do really like him.

And he did text me the next day to say he had an amazing time with me. Then nothing. For days. And no response to meeting up again.

Hmmm, sounds like he said that to keep you interested?
Are you sure he's not dating other people?