Great in person but terrible texter

[PepperPott]

I can't figure out if I'm being too needy here or if he's actually not that into me (I'm suspecting the latter).

I've been seeing a guy for a few of months - no exclusivity chats. Started before lockdown, we didn't see each other for 8 weeks and then started meeting again last week.
It's always been pretty bad. Even when initially talking on OLD, he'd disappear for 3 days and then continue. However I was talking to other people so not so bothered to begin with.
We had a great first date and then saw each other a few more times, but even then, if we didn't meet that week it could be 3-4 days between messages - and they aren't long messages. Politely conversational or maybe sending a pic back and forth but I can't say I've learnt anything about him from them.

Texting over those 8 weeks just felt painful. It was getting to the point where I'd initiate a conversation after nothing from him for a week - he'd reply the next day and we might have one or two messages a day and it would go quite for a few days again.

We finally met again a couple of times last week and they were amazing dates. We were chatting until late in the night, he was sharing a lot about deep topics - a recent bereavement, his ex, childhood, etc. He couldn't stop looking at me, smiling at me, incredibly affectionate - telling me how happy he was to be with me. He brought food with him the first time and cooked for me the next.

And here we are again with the texting this week. Nothing for 4 days, so I've sent him a message asking if he wants to do something next week - and now I'm back to the waiting and don't expect he will respond until tomorrow at the earliest. I have no reason to assume he'll say no, but this constant waiting just leaves me in panic mode.

So what am I supposed to think here? It feels like it's going so well in person but I feel like I'm getting some serious mixed messages when I'm not there.

The main thing is OP is that it's making you feel like crap. That's not good.

People say they hate texting but what they mean is they hate texting when the conversation or person isn't interesting enough. If someone has something decent to say or it's someone they really like, they will actively look for contact from that person because they are thinking about them. My opinion on it? He isn't that interested until the chance of meeting is there and what might happen on that meet. He isn't interested in learning about you, he just wants something physical.

It's very different in marriages and secure relationships because you know you'll see your other half when they return home and they know you'll just phone if it's important but new relationships where you can't see each other, I would think that unless they were crazy busy with work or something, they'd make the time to contact when you're on their mind and they want to hear from you. I mean even the most mobile phone overt people will pick it up to check the weather, news, phone their mum etc unless they're 80 and rely on the TV and have a landline

Yeah @ukgift2016 I think you’re right actually. And it has been a while, for me!

I don't know. We're not had an exclusive chat (I was actually dating other people in the beginning anyway but stopped that before our last date before lockdown because it seemed to be going well). But he's not secretive with him phone. He was showing me some pictures and I noticed one of me (slightly saucy) - I'd assume he would have deleted or hidden that if he's seeing someone else.

To be honest, I think he's very in the moment with things. Other than looking at some photos and videos, his phone just remains on the table and he doesn't pick it up whenever he's with me every single time. And I really like that about him. When he's with me, he's with me.

But yes, the bottom line is that it's making me feel crap. All I want him to do is give me a 'yes', 'no' or 'I'm not sure yet but I'll get back to you'. I don't feel like that's an awful lot to expect.

I know you said you don't expect to be a priority but in my experience, men who are interested make you a priority.

However you mentioned a bereavement and it's lockdown, which makes for dull conversation... I just don't know.

I think, if I were you, when together in person I would mention it. I would ask in a lighthearted way whilst doing something else like cooking, whether he hates texting. If he asks why, just say "Oh, you're so silent on text, I haven't experienced that before. Just wondered whether you hate it". Maybe he will up his game.

It’s a no from me. If you’re really into someone you take your phone in the shower and dry your hand to read a message.

Maybe when he's with you, hes with you. And when hes not, hes not.

Go with your gut op but if this is the only issue then raise it. A lot of communication is misinterpreted because it's ambiguous or general. You could make it light or serious - Let's meet up on Saturday at 2...this offer will expire at 6pm. RSVP. 😉 If you try this approach and it's still no better then perhaps the other posters are right but I'd say give him a chance. I'm not glued to my phone and can miss seeing a message for hours.

If you let people treat you like an option and you want it to be more, they will always treat you like an option unless you say this isn't good for me.
Then either he changes his communication with you or he doesn't.
And you will know.

I will wait this out, see what happens if/ when he replies but consider making some other plans for the day so I'm busy and he's not my priority.

I do intend to see him one more time so I can at least have the conversation and feel that I've tried, but realistically I can't continue dating someone who doesn't want to talk to me when I'm not with them or even confirm plans. It's very lonely (and I'm already feeling very, very alone at the moment being locked up at home by myself).

Well, there is definitely a type of person who is not into texting. Agree to all said above. Tell him how you feel, and discuss if it is ok to call. It should help you.

I said early on to you that my H was like this when I met him . To expand...He is not big into phones and will go the whole evening without looking at it . He had a work life as well and 2 teens every other weekend to see too . If he agreed to meet me on a specific night then he knew that it was on and didn't continually check . He sometimes wouldn't even be specific about a time until nearer that time .I would send a text like " Are we seeing each other tonight ? " and I would get back "I hope so " ... As I said before though I did have a serious talk with him and told him that it made me feel as if I was Plan B . I also once we started sleeping over saying that it is not acceptable to say "I will be in touch " when he leaves but to at least say "let's try for next Tuesday night " or whatever . It really is better to get this out int he open and this is the one thing about this H - I can talk to him about anything ! A phone to my H is a means to an end and he hated texting . As it is so good in real life have a chat with him .

@PepperPott I’m with the “make other plans” camp. I have been there where you are.
Not getting back to you is rude.
Getting back to you on the day is arrogant.
Being with you “in the moment” is easy for some guys. And being open with his phone can be due to him turning off notifications etc. So he appears really open but he’s just good at what he does.

I’m not being cynical, just speaking from experience. Individually, these little snippets may seem innocuous, but together they say he’s either not that interested, likes you chasing him, establishing a pattern where you’re always wondering and he gets to swan in, totally self centred and not thinking about your feelings... or oblivious? None of them are good.

Don’t bring it up, don’t ask him to text more, just be busy. This message will be much clearer and less awkward. I’ve done it with previous bfs and with friends. It shows strong, clear boundaries/expectations.

A good tip is to imagine the roles reversed. If you got back to him on the day and he was fine with that vs doing something else... show him your worth. x

OP I think he does likes you but is probably not that bothered in the grand scheme of things. You're making all the effort here and he could just be looking for some company.

I knew someone like this and he was very special to me at the time.

Dates were great, but then nothing as if he had dropped off the face of the earth.

I had a couple of quite tough exams - and no messages of encouragement - just silence.

Friends around me would receive messages from their BFs/DPs and it seemed really nice and natural, but used to highlight how poor my situation was.

I spoke to him but nothing really changed and a month later we had split. I wasn't going to be the one to keep initiating messages and he was damned if he would.

It was so weird but that was the end of that.

Personally I would definitely not speak to him - if he's genuinely interested in you, believe me he will be more than eager to message you, particularly at this early stage of the relationship.

I don't think this is a goer, sorry.

I really want to believe some other pps that he just a bad texter, but I really don’t think he’s that interested. He’s still no responded to me in regards to a date - who knows if he even will now? I have no idea why he’s just entirely different in person.

So I’m just going to leave it completely now and not chase him. I’m sad, but this isn’t worth it.

Hi OP,

I think there is a chance he is just a bad texter as others have said. As you like him and get on so well in person why not see him once more and speak to him face to face about how you feel. Hopefully he will realise it is hurting you and be in contact more because he doesn’t want to lose you. It is not much to expect to have your plans confirmed. He needs to realise you have a life and are not going to wait indefinitely for him to decide if he wants to see you or not. I really don’t think it is too much to expect to be in contact in between dates.
Good luck.

Exactly what Ihavenicelegs said.

I’ve dated/socialised with similar types before, and as time moves on I’ve realised it’s a bit of a power play/control thing.

I think they like the ego boost of having lots of social options they can pick and choose from at the last minute?

There’s often a little bit of a sadistic thrill in seeing others go hugely out of their way.

I mean it’s all very well saying it’s personality type (but somehow this type will manage to be reliable for work or other friends....)

I used to have a colleague who was like this - she’d aggressively socially befriend people (me included ) strongly suggest exchanging contact details and meeting for x occasion or doing a certain social activity, then just not reply or ignore people when they contacted her?

I think it was a self esteem/passive aggressive thing - she wanted to see herself as this ultra desirable social type.

If you’d been dating for a couple years you’d feel you couldn’t really make plans for nights where he “might” turn up or not.

And you can’t do any other plans for the week or have anything to look forward to. You have to be “on standby” all the time.

And if he just decides to disappear or ghost you he can claim it was you doing all the chasing so he wasn’t leading you on...and if he meets someone he wants to make the effort for he can claim it’s you doing all the pushing.

I think maybe if you were one of those super organiser jolly extroverted mother hen types who has no life of her own but likes ringing round millions of people it might be ok, but clearly you’re feeling like crap?

you’ve 100% made the right decision to shut things down - I’d get myself on online dating straight away and start planning on meeting other blokes. No point texting him you’re not getting a reply

Even 'bad texters' can send a 'yes' or 'no' to a date suggestion.

Some people just 'give good date'. They seem really into you in the moment, and that has you thinking the relationship is going somewhere.

But if someone doesn't want to confirm a date until the day of it, you are a plan B, maybe even a plan C.

OP, if you had maintained your excellent initial boundary, where you cancelled the date because he hadn't confirmed - perfectly reasonably assuming it wouldn't be going ahead - this relationship would be over already.

It is only because you have fallen into 'the waiting game' that you are even still seeing him.

Your original boundary was the correct one for you. Reinstate it xxx

Yes, you are all right. He’s still not been in touch so I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever hear from him again and now I’m wondering if he’s deliberating avoid me. No idea why and very confusing after the dates this week.

So I have made some different plans for tomorrow and I’m just going to move on. This is clearly hopeless.

Thank you for helping me think through this. I needed some perspective.

I’d have an emotional strategy in place in case he does reply to your message - either that or block him.

Reason being, this type is often quite good at being charming/pretending they’ve been genuinely confused but they know they’re getting a benefit out of the situation.

Having someone invite you round to theirs for the night (where he can chill out, have sex, and doesn’t have to take anyone out on a formal date - bringing food isn’t that much hassle!) is a benefit for him.

So he might be looking for a way back in at some point. Or you might get a random text in two months time.

(It’s like that person who always forgets their wallet and lets friends sub them - they know exactly what they’re doing)

Maybe he sees you as a FWBs so is trying to slow the communication down so you don't think it's a "proper" relationship.

Well, he did get in touch and now I’m not sure what to think.

He apologised for not being in touch. The bereavement I mentioned in the OP - he said the funeral has been set for next week so he’s been spending some time with others who were close to him.

So now I don’t know.