My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

Don't be agape just take it on board as a possibility. Sorry to say it.

Why do you tolerate it? Call it out and make it stop. I'm sorry, but it's abuse. Call it out and tell him that his behaviour amounts to bullying.

I had a similar situation where I watched for years, my older sister favour her son over her daughter. It was horrific to watch. She was 5 and he was 3, and trust me, my niece knew she was second best. Whenever I witnessed it happen, I found myself going out of my way to try to make my niece feel she was just as important. But it killed me that I couldn't always be around and essentially protect her from the blatant bullying.

Even if the husband has nothing but fatherly feelings for the daughter, he doesn't have them for the son. That's kind of awful in a father figure. It's also awful that the son doesn't react. I guess with you marrying him anyway, he knew not to fuss.

This can't end well, and there isn't a way to cope/manage this, because you've tried talking with him, and he's not prepared to change. I won't have any favouritism towards my children, from anyone, ever, they are both equally valuable and valued- you have to prioritize your son before he does what my brother did and draws a line in the sand and just doesn't come home again for a decade.

What kind of mother allows a man to treat her son like that? Get a backbone and put a stop to it. Dread to think the damage it's doing to your sons self esteem

Before you remarry or set up home with someone after a divorce, if you have kids, you need to make sure they treat them well. If they treat any of your kids badly you don't set up home with them. This shouldn't need spelling out. It should be obvious to any half decent parent.

Totally off point but I'm sure wetsuits ARE to go in the water .

He sounds like a prick op and I hope one day you will realise that staying with him is going to affect both of your kids at different stages and when there older there is a chance they wont be close to you, and you will miss out on there and future grandchildren lives because you stayed with a prico of a man who BULLYs a teenage child yet favours another one.

I also agree with pp I see red flags all over this and om the long run slouch damage would have been caused.

@scubadive - yes I admit that I did marry him last year knowing he favoured my daughter.

However, the favouritism wasn't so transparent, and it has become much more obvious since then. As has his shortness with my son over unimportant things. It wasn't like this beforehand.

My son is far from perfect, although he's laid back he's also lazy and messy and takes things for granted. Sometimes being cross with him is justified. From either myself or my husband.

However, the incident today won't leave my mind as it was totally unjustified. I cannot fathom why choosing to take a wetsuit (his own) to a beach would actually piss someone else off! It happened around 1 hour after my husband saw him for the first time in 6 days (he had been with his Dad - and yes, under 18s going between parents' homes IS allowed under Covid rules!)

My son did nothing wrong. I cannot get through to my husband. He reiterates that I overreacted and need to let it go. He was a total arse though.

*I spoke to my son about it this evening to see if he was alright and to let him know that what happened wasn't OK with me. He also heard me telling my husband earlier in no uncertain terms that it was none of his business if my son took his wetsuit and that he was being ridiculous. My son said he was baffled as to why he had an issue over the wetsuit.

He doesn't however appear to be upset or overly fussed about what happened.*

Just because your son appears to be fine with it, is not an excuse for you not to take hubby aside and have a much needed word. It's bullying and it's clear as day.

God this is do horrible to read. I too cannot understand why you would marry a man who had years to bond with a child he met when the child was 7. And failed. But is nasty on top. Just awful.
Read this thread back and with the greatest respect wake up and smell the fucking coffee. Your poor son has just learned to accept being treated like shit. That's why he is quiet / seems ok/ blah blah. You arguing with that asshole is not going to wash in terms of you having your son's back the older he gets. He will see it for what it is. You putting a cruel asshole first. In a few years time if you don't fix this situation you will be sitting wondering why you have no relationship with your son. He is a child who has done nothing wrong.

And i also eonder like a PP uf he is too much like his Dad.

yes I admit that I did marry him last year knowing he favoured my daughter.

Congratulations on first-hand enabling your husband's behaviour, I hope you're very proud.

At the end of the day it’s not the favouritism that’s the main issue - it’s him blowing up at your DS over minor things. He’s clearly using your DS like an emotional punchbag because he’s a boy - a lot of abusive men do this and it’s very possible he’s bearing the brunt of all the frustration your DH feels in the family.

In your situation I would be laying down ground rules / an ultimatum - he either gets (and keeps getting) professional help for his anger issues or he leaves. You can’t keep the status quo any more.

Oh and everything you described about your son is normal for a 14 yo. It’s perfectly normal for teens to be snotty / ungrateful / messy at times. They don’t deserve to be targetted because of it.

I always do intervene if I feel my husband is being unfair or unjust. To either child!

You may intervene but you stay with him. Choosing your husband over your boys self esteem, sense of being loved and day to day happiness.

I'm removing your daughter from the situation in that analysis by the way. Regardless of your daughter, your son is being bullied by the man you married, stay with, sleep with...

He reiterates that I overreacted and need to let it go.

Cool, so you tried to explain and he says you're wrong and to let it go. Let him go. I cannot imagine my sons happiness being less important to me than my husband's resolve not to change.

I couldn't be attracted to or stay married to someone who, even if just on occasion, made them feel shitty by bullying them. You obviously can though. Why is that?

There is no need for this spite.

I was thinking that too Breakingthewaves..... in 10 or 15 yes time, is the OP going to start a thread bitching about het DIL and saying she never sees her grandchildren; when the truth is they're protecting their children from someone they know they can't trust

@WombOfOnesOwn - really?!!

She was not an invalid, she was in hospital for a short time and then at home recovering with me. They spent absolutely zero time alone together.

He didn't even live with us then and rarely stayed over.

He was moved because her health was compromised and she lost a lot of weight and looked dreadful. She was a child. Anyone with any compassion would have been moved.

Enough with the 'weird' and 'red-flag' comments. He has really good relationships with his nephews and friends' male children. He doesn't have a bloody thing about teenage girls!

Again, this is detracting from the issue I have, which is...he has not bonded well with my son.He has with my daughter. He is sometimes unkind, or hard on my son. I don't understand why.

He has plenty of good relationships with family / friends' kids. My son is the exception, sadly.

Sounds like a narcissistic: scapegoat vs golden child dynamic.

Either that or he is weirdly jealous of your son. Or sees him as the competition. Which I guess also points towards some sort of serious personality problem.

My ex boss was having an affair which had been going on for 5 years, and though I could tell he loved her, I knew he'd never leave his wife for her.
She was single, and a mum or three and had essentially introduced my boss to her children as her 'boyfriend'. He appeared to be very close to her two daughters, particularly the elder, very bright and very pretty older daughter. He seemed overly protective of her, and despite having two daughters of his own, would tell me that she was like the daughter he never had (I did find the way he spoke about her a little creepy, and he didn't hide the fact that she was definitely his favourite). However, things were very different with his relationship with the son, who happened to be the youngest child (11). He'd tell me that they didn't really have a bond, and that they didn't have very much in common. He went as far as to tell me that the son was quite 'thick' compared to the girls who were clearly academically gifted. And then on one occasion, when he really opened up, he told me the reason he'd never leave his wife for mistress was because of her son...! He said that the son was at an age whereby he was obedient and well mannered but questioned how much longer would that last. In his exact words to me "I'm not his dad, and soon enough, he'll be telling me to "fuck off" and will become overly protective of his mother"...

Sorry, this is a long-winded way of me basically agreeing with another poster who said your DH is clearly laying down his authority and trying to show your son that he's the man of the house. I concluded from what my boss had told me that he felt threatened by the 11 yr old, and that in his mind, the son was a barrier. He went as far as to say things would have been perfect if she'd only had two daughters and no son! Unbelievable....I do wonder if this is the same with your DH.

Seven years of this is HALF your son's life.

WTF is wrong that you prioritise this man?

oh and a little off topic but @Thierryhenryneedisaymore Best. Name. Ever.

Arsenal season ticket holder over here. waves

Your daughter is 17 and not a child. Wake up!
I feel sorry for both your children tbh, Your son because your husband doesnt like him and your daughter even more so because your husband does.
How any woman allows her kids to be treated like this is baffling.

Oh and...having been the scapegoat (like your son) in a similar situation btw, the worst thing was having this person belittle me and put me down in front of my mother. Not only was it exhausting to have this person attacking me 24/7 (when I was too sweet to say boo to a goose) but it was heartbreaking to think that my mother might think less of me because of their words too. I wish she had walked away from that person. But that person was related to her by blood so I guess that made it harder for her. Some guy, however...nah, choose your child.

Thete are PLENTY of posts which don't comment on the relationship between your husband and your daughter.

They're all sticking up for your son.

Sadly, you are not.

Why did you marry a man who you knew hadn't bonded with your son?

I find this thread upsetting to read. I was that child and it did so much harm. Your son won't realise the impact it has on him until he leaves the house he grew up in because, right now, this is his life and he doesn't know any better. All his future relationships will be affected because he spent his childhood feeling unwanted. That includes his relationship with you and his sister.

My stepfather was a bit like this about my brother. I think it's fairly standard stepfather behaviour. My bro was older though.

He has no reason to berate your son. Yet does. The fact that you say in your initial post that he has ADMITTED to you that he doesn't have a bond with your son is bad enough. Any decent parent would try hard to change this, yet he doesn't seem overly fussed about having a good relationship with your son.

I can only assume that he feels threatened, possibly jealous by your relationship with your son too, and takes this out on him.

Does your daughter look like you by any chance?