My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

@Carolamc
*I really can't blame the poster for disappearing, the baying hounds of Mumsnet score an own goal again.

Can those who have been rudely forthright try to think about how their message could have been phrased in such a way that it may well have been read and possibly acted upon.

Perhaps, in fact, imagine the OP to be a sister or daughter. Would you be so aggressive then? I imagine not. Be kinder, you never know when you will need help or advice.*

Yup. Lots of hypocrites on this thread screaming BULLY at OP's dh, whilst essentially bullying OP. Nasty lot.

Horrendous parenting. Extremely sad to hear of someone allowing their child to be treated this way. He’s a child. Your husband is an adulterous prick and you are confused about why his ex wife screamed down the phone at him... and yes, of COURSE you would support your children living with their father; it would solve this little issue for you without you having to actually be a good mother.

It’s amazing that you care so much about defending your husband re his behaviour with your daughter, but have allowed this shameful behaviour towards your son to continue for YEARS.

Poor kid.

@Gutterton the first hand accounts are heartbreaking etc etc but they will not necessarily come true for this family, not least because the OP recognises the issue and is seeking to address it. Sadly now on her own without the support of MN, as she has been on the receiving end of truly appalling, misogynistic, ignorant abuse here. An own goal indeed. I hope the self-righteous brigade can sleep well in their smug beds tonight.

So how did the chat with DH go OP?

You do (I hope) realise that people here want the best for your children.

So while it's hard to hear criticism of your parenting, be aware it comes mostly from a place of people wanting your son to be priority, rather than just bashing you.

That may be true of you @backseatcookers but I think there were a whole load of posters who couldn't actually give a toss about the child, they just enjoyed taking a woman down. If they have a toss they would have given constructive advice about what to do next, not just tell the OP she had made mistakes and try to shame her.

This is a very upsetting thread to read.

OP your son has been getting used to being diminished in his own home for seven years, half his lifetime.

You ignored your H's horrible behaviour for some reason and married him. Did it not occur to you that once he had his feet under the table, his horrible behaviour would get worse? What did you think would happen?

I once had an au pair who treated my son horribly compared to my daughter. Not at first, it just started gradually and got worse and I realised that I couldn't keep her. She was lovely to my DD, really loving and sweet and had a great bond with her. But she didn't like my DS. And after 3 or 4 months of her not liking my DS, that was it, I had to get rid of her.

You've put up with your poor little boy being disliked in his own home, where there is no escape, for half his life.

It's not just your DH who has a problem, it's you. I really think you need some counselling to find out why you're willing to put your DS through such misery.

The denial you're feeling is coming through loud and clear. He doesn't seem to mind, he seems OK, he's quiet - yeah, of course he is, he's learned that there's no point in complaining, because all that will happen is that there will be a humdinger, which probably means that your DH is even more nasty to him. But when the chips are down, the only thing you're willing to do is have a humdinger, which is no use to him at all.

Has it not occurred to you that if this is what he's like with him when you're there, what the hell is he like when you're not?

He's got a few years of childhood left. Why don't you try and make what's left of it better than what it's been since he was 7? If you're desperate to hang onto this horrible guy I suggest you insist on counselling as the price of being allowed to stay with you. If he refuses, you'll know he's not that bothered about his marriage with you.

@TigerDater
Sadly now on her own without the support of MN, as she has been on the receiving end of truly appalling, misogynistic, ignorant abuse here.

Couldn't agree more. This thread has descended into a toxic cesspit of women who seemingly enjoy tearing down another woman, whilst also accusing her dh of being sexually attracted to her daughter. My stepdad had a better relationship with me than he did my 3 older brothers. We were by no means close but he tended to avoid my brothers as much as he could- he knew that we were all reeling from the divorce but he still found it easier to speak to me than he did them. I can assure you there was nothing even remotely sexual about our relationship, so please stop with the vile accusations.

Good luck @DarlingMarianne - I hope you do return and let us know how your chat with dh went. But if you don't, I won't blame you. I will say, constructively, a few posters have given examples of how the mistreatment of a child at the hands of a step-parent can destroy a relationships permanently. Please don't allow this to happen to you. Hold your son close, and don't let him go.

By the way if this isn't sorted soon, as your DS gets bigger, I bet you your DH will start getting physical with him.

OP - if you want a relationship with your son when he is an adult, you need to act now. If you do nothing, there won't be much chance of him including you and your DH in his life when he actually has a choice about it.

Your son will be wondering why his mother is allowing a man to treat him this way.

@TigerDater and @Smallgoon

I can’t feel sorry for the OP. I was treated like shit by my mother compared to my siblings. It’s extremely damaging and I cannot give a fuck about a woman who lets this happen to her own child. She needs a huge fucking wake up call, not pandering to. She has been told repeatedly and still isn’t/won’t getting it.

@crispysausagerolls I'm not suggesting you feel sorry for the OP. And we don't know whether she 'gets' it or what is happening as the venom on this thread has led her, understandably, to abandon it.

She has abandoned it because she has no intention of leaving this man. Which is what she should do. She should put her son first.

But she won’t. She came here expecting people to agree they need to have a little chat and it will be ok. She isn’t prepared to do more than that, so it’s irrelevant if she comes back or not. People can’t really help being venomous because many have experienced similar or understand the depth of the betrayal towards her son here. It’s actually making me squirm; thinking about the last 7 years of his life and what he has endured (and how especially it must be when OP isn’t even there).

I hope her son can find a way to emotionally move past this when he gets older.

Please protect your son.

@crispysausagerolls ever thought of writing a novel?

She has abandoned it because she has no intention of leaving this man

I wouldn’t necessarily believe that

OP will have likely felt sick to her stomach at this thread and the comments
She will have left it as it’s too distressing

But I bet you anything her awareness will have been changed and heightened

I know a lot of people here were maybe raised in this type of set up , and it fucks you up
No doubt about it

But our parents and mothers were a very different generation and truly didn’t have acess the the vast amount of data there is out there

And she posted here ! In this snake pit ! Come on

So I truly hope that despite some of the toxicity , OP has been doing some thinking and this has made her more aware

It took me 6 years from my first post to end things

Not because I didn’t care , but because it’s hard hard hard

Everything crispysausagerolls said - the mother’s priorities and motivations to deny and minimise the child abuse inflicted on her young son for many years shine through.

@Bluemoooon

🙈 I appreciate I perhaps typed quite a lot.

crispysausagerolls I see you reacted with shame, embarrassment and an apology to bluemooons comment.

To me that’s a simple example of how an adult who was emotionally abused in childhood now frames their adult life - taking on blame and shame and apologising - even if there were none intended - which is how I read Bluemooons comment. I read it as a compliment.

However even if someone does insult you - an emotionally healthy response would be something along the lines - “What do you mean by that?” / “Did you mean to be insensitive / rude?” “I felt x,y,z when you said that” “If you continue to do / say x,y,z - then I will do blah”

This is an overview of scapegoating from a therapy perspective and which is often the family dynamic in these situations:

“Themselves often wounded, the scapegoaters can be sadistic, superego accusers with brittle personas, who have driven their own shadows underground from where such are projected onto the victim.

The scapegoated victim may then live in a hell of felt unworthiness, retreating from consciousness, burdened by shadow and transpersonal guilt, and hiding from the pain of self-understanding.

Therapy includes modeling self-protective skills for the victim's battered ego, and guidance in the search for inner integrity, to find the victim's own voice.”

OP will have likely felt sick to her stomach at this thread and the comments
She will have left it as it’s too distressing

Hopefully she will act to allow her DS the same opportunity to be free of a distressing environment.

I know the OP has probably stopped reading but just wanted to say that my dp could be your son in the future.

It is so obvious that his step-dad favours his sister, he too is great with them and his sons.

It is really sad to see the effect that it has on my dp. He's a good and likeable guy he makes friends easily but is always worrying that he's not good enough.

He's opened up a few times in the past that he just doesn't understand why his step dad showed little interest compared to all the others and that all he wanted was some acknowledgement that wasn't prompted by his mum.

You should be looking out for your son. It breaks my heart to think of someone treating my ds like that. He knows and will be picking up on it. It will ruin your relationship with him and his sibling relationship.

My dp gets angry that his mum didn't/doesn't seem to care about the situation.

I agree with the previous posters who have said that issuing an ultimatum IS the right thing to do now, @DarlingMarianne.

And I think you need to be blunt:

“Dh - there is a blindingly obvious difference in the way you treat my daughter and my son - and I am not prepared to accept it any more. My son’s welfare has got to come first, so this is my line in the sand. If you don’t stop bullying my son, the marriage is over.”

Appalling behaviour I would be fuming and questioning his place in the family at all. Your poor son 😩

He doesn't however appear to be upset or overly fussed about what happened.

Your son is displaying nature, adult behaviour. Congratulations. Your DH, on the other hand, is not.

Of course, the classics really did have all the best stories: Oedipus, Antigone. Some things just don't change.